Parent has stroke and sibling doesn’t come up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your OP reeks with judgement, superiority and hysteria. As PPs have said, you have no idea what the relationship is between your MIL and your BIL. It's not your business. Your MIL is in the ICU. She's being cared for. Whether he is absent or present, nothing he can do will change the outcome. Any decisions that need to be made regarding where she goes after the hospital stay can be done via Zoom. It's not as if she hasn't already been in an assisted living residence. You do what you feel you need to do and your BIL will do what he feels he needs to do. Haven't you learned at your age that just because people handle things differently than you do doesn't mean they're wrong or that your way is better.

Plus Covid numbers are rising again. Not the best time to travel and visit a hospital. Plus after enough years of this between your own parents and inlaws it becomes too much if they have enough emergencies. She's in her 90s for goodness sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of complaining and judging, use your words and tell him what you need:
“Bob, this is more serious than we thought. It involves being physically present at the hospital and making decisions. We need you to come here within the next few days. Thanks.”

And this needs to come from your husband.

Agree. Keep repeating the phrase “use your words” (in this case aimed at your husband) until he does. If brother says “no,” regroup and think about next steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m annoyed- and surprised - but maybe this is normal? My 91 year old mother in law suffered a stroke last night. We’ve been at hospital all night. She’s doing bit better but at her age in ICU as they can’t predict if she’ll heal and can’t treat it. So they are saying she’ll be in ICU for at least 3 more days. Then maybe rehab hospital- we aren’t sure what will happen with her assisted living siatuokn and if she can return there at some point?
However We texted and called the other brother- who is retired footloose and fancy free- he lives a few states away but is actually visiting his son 4 hours away.
They just told us to keep them informed. WTF!!
I can’t believe they don’t drive up to check on her and help. We both work full time demanding jobs and have three young kids. And with all that, if roles were reversed, even states away I (or my husband) would fly to our parent.
My husband is spending night with her and I’m going back and forth today to drop off things and check on them.

But wouldn’t most people with a 91 year old mom having a stroke visit? Come check and see in person? As doctors have stated, at that age there is no percentage chance they can provide for which direction thiis goes. She seems to be talking and moving- but today bit tougher afternoon. Maybe my expectations are off.

Im the only local child with an aging parent. Three hospital stays over the last 2 years at 2 different hospitals. No hospital lets people stay overnight unless they are quite literally on their death bed, and even then, unlikely.

[Anonymous]

There's a difference between mom having a stroke at 60 or 70 and it's the first emergency and mom having a stroke in her 90s, you have your own health issues, adult children issues, and you've been doing the aging parent and inlaw dance for decades. Just because he is retired does not mean he is footlose and fancy free. You do you. All you can control is you. You cannot force anyone else to something, but apparently you feel free to judge up a storm. Even if your husband had a good relationship, doesn't mean the brother did. Many dysfunctional and even abusive families have a golden child and scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m annoyed- and surprised - but maybe this is normal? My 91 year old mother in law suffered a stroke last night. We’ve been at hospital all night. She’s doing bit better but at her age in ICU as they can’t predict if she’ll heal and can’t treat it. So they are saying she’ll be in ICU for at least 3 more days. Then maybe rehab hospital- we aren’t sure what will happen with her assisted living siatuokn and if she can return there at some point?
However We texted and called the other brother- who is retired footloose and fancy free- he lives a few states away but is actually visiting his son 4 hours away.
They just told us to keep them informed. WTF!!
I can’t believe they don’t drive up to check on her and help. We both work full time demanding jobs and have three young kids. And with all that, if roles were reversed, even states away I (or my husband) would fly to our parent.
My husband is spending night with her and I’m going back and forth today to drop off things and check on them.

But wouldn’t most people with a 91 year old mom having a stroke visit? Come check and see in person? As doctors have stated, at that age there is no percentage chance they can provide for which direction thiis goes. She seems to be talking and moving- but today bit tougher afternoon. Maybe my expectations are off.

My sister and I tag teamed when a crisis happened. For example, when my father had his heart attack (lost 50% of his heart capacity), my sister flew down that day and stayed five days; then I came and she went home. Mostly, we came for my mother to help her navigate everything.

[Anonymous]

Use your words, if you need them to come up and provide relief, THEN SAY THAT.
You do realize there are families in which the out of state sibling comes and the locals complain about being in the way.
USE YOUR WORDS!

[Anonymous]

My 92 YO mother had a series of mini-strokes. I live 6 hours away (drive, no flights). One of my brothers lives nearby and the other siblings are at various distances. It made no sense for any of us to travel and the local sibling handled everything just fine. I offered to come, etc., but he said he was good. I supported my brother who supported our mother. It was fine.

There's no one rule for how to behave in this situation and everyone handles severe health issues and death differently. Ask for what you need, not how you believe other people should act.

[Anonymous]

OP—you still haven’t answered the question about your spouse spending the night in the ICU. What hospital allows someone to spend the night in an ICU? Makes me wonder if this isn’t a troll post.

[Anonymous]

My mother has had some pretty serious health conditions. I have not dropped everything to travel when she’s in the hospital. When she’s in the hospital, she has round the clock care and local family visiting. It’s the weeks and months after she’s released that I’m needed more. That’s when my local sister needs a break and then I go to help. There have been a lot of medical issues. I can’t travel for all of them and I can’t relocate there. I would go if she was possibly going to die any day.

But overall, these are your in laws. Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL has mini strokes regularly. Some are more serious than others. My husband can’t fly to CA every time it happens.

When you are long distance from your parents and there is a local sibling, a wait and see approach is often what you have to take.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

What an awful thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- yes agreed it’s up to my husband. I’ll keep my mouth shut now as I don’t want to make him more upset- however I’m just curious how many would just allow a text update over coming in person.
Assuming they can afford- in this case what chaps my you-know-what is that he’s in his car 4 hours away. That flat out blows that he doesn’t come up I think.
But maybe strokes are no big deal??

Weird word choice. He's an adult. You cannot compel.him to come, nor does he need your permission with whatever choice he makes.

This is your husband's issue to address with his brother in any case, not yours. Stop crowdsourcing and butt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP—you still haven’t answered the question about your spouse spending the night in the ICU. What hospital allows someone to spend the night in an ICU? Makes me wonder if this isn’t a troll post.

I’ve been on these boards for 10 years and never have I ever questioned a single post as “troll”- and it’s total moron who would assume such. I would love to see the idiot who reads posts about a 9@ year old having a stroke as a made up post… I mean, I assume a troll is someone making up a post/ but who makes up a non eventful post- like “ my 14 year old got in a tiff with her friend- is this normal 14 year old behavior”—- then idiot posts “it’s a troll. WTF! How interesting would it be to make up that boring of a post ????
Just shows that even those brain dead can still type.
Because in your small provincial piece of the east coast, a situation isn’t what you experienced means a troll. Whatever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

And, yes, I absolutely agree with you, OP, that your BIL is a loser. You're doing the right thing supporting your husband and your MIL. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP here- so for all of you - I’m literally sitting in room with my MIL in sweats spending tonite. And my 16 year old son is right next to me- although he’s going home. So no idea what you have heard, but I’m sitting here in a hospital with pillow behind my back spending night. The only thing they asked is if I minded lights will be on most of Eve ring and they do 2 hour checks on MIl. Room is large and my “bed” is wooden leather recliner that lies flat when you push.
They have an extra pillow and blankets.
They didn’t even ask or mention rules- just asked me if I needed anything.
So not sure what to tel you all.
As for relationship- the brother and mother have great relationship and he’s been great son. And they are visiting his son who is great kid- engaged and we spend a good bit of time with that son- so all the “you don’t knows” are BS. I know all of thats
But I do agree each person has to decide for themselves if they want to be with aging parents in hospital at medical emergency or not. So I’ll let him (them with his wife) make their own decisions. I do agree if we need help to state it clearly- but I’ll leave that up to my husband- and finally I do think a family member should cut the thousand excuses and come for first emergency like this.
However I can now see that at least among lay these posters, most wouldn’t take the time.