Parent has stroke and sibling doesn’t come up

[Anonymous]

I’m annoyed- and surprised - but maybe this is normal? My 91 year old mother in law suffered a stroke last night. We’ve been at hospital all night. She’s doing bit better but at her age in ICU as they can’t predict if she’ll heal and can’t treat it. So they are saying she’ll be in ICU for at least 3 more days. Then maybe rehab hospital- we aren’t sure what will happen with her assisted living siatuokn and if she can return there at some point?
However We texted and called the other brother- who is retired footloose and fancy free- he lives a few states away but is actually visiting his son 4 hours away.
They just told us to keep them informed. WTF!!
I can’t believe they don’t drive up to check on her and help. We both work full time demanding jobs and have three young kids. And with all that, if roles were reversed, even states away I (or my husband) would fly to our parent.
My husband is spending night with her and I’m going back and forth today to drop off things and check on them.

But wouldn’t most people with a 91 year old mom having a stroke visit? Come check and see in person? As doctors have stated, at that age there is no percentage chance they can provide for which direction thiis goes. She seems to be talking and moving- but today bit tougher afternoon. Maybe my expectations are off.

[Anonymous]

My FIL has mini strokes regularly. Some are more serious than others. My husband can’t fly to CA every time it happens.

When you are long distance from your parents and there is a local sibling, a wait and see approach is often what you have to take.

[Anonymous]

Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

[Anonymous]

Instead of complaining and judging, use your words and tell him what you need:
“Bob, this is more serious than we thought. It involves being physically present at the hospital and making decisions. We need you to come here within the next few days. Thanks.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of complaining and judging, use your words and tell him what you need:
“Bob, this is more serious than we thought. It involves being physically present at the hospital and making decisions. We need you to come here within the next few days. Thanks.”

And this needs to come from your husband.

[Anonymous]

Wait and see what? If she dies? I’m not sure those are results first doing the stats on. First stroke- go. If becomes a regular condition, then take that “I’m really busy” approach.
At 91, don’t really think there could be too many of these to become annoying.

[Anonymous]

Op here- yes agreed it’s up to my husband. I’ll keep my mouth shut now as I don’t want to make him more upset- however I’m just curious how many would just allow a text update over coming in person.
Assuming they can afford- in this case what chaps my you-know-what is that he’s in his car 4 hours away. That flat out blows that he doesn’t come up I think.
But maybe strokes are no big deal??

[Anonymous]

It might make sense for him to come out in two days to relieve you. As long as one sibling is there, that's fine. But either he helps out on the second half, or takes the next one. Be specific about what your expectations are.

[Anonymous]

At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might make sense for him to come out in two days to relieve you. As long as one sibling is there, that's fine. But either he helps out on the second half, or takes the next one. Be specific about what your expectations are.

Don’t you think, like other posters stayed, even this should come from my husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- yes agreed it’s up to my husband. I’ll keep my mouth shut now as I don’t want to make him more upset- however I’m just curious how many would just allow a text update over coming in person.
Assuming they can afford- in this case what chaps my you-know-what is that he’s in his car 4 hours away. That flat out blows that he doesn’t come up I think. But maybe strokes are no big deal??

Maybe he and his mother had a contentious relationship. Maybe she told him if she fell ill she didn't want people fussing over her and sitting around worrying in the hospital. Maybe he's terrible in a crisis and knows if he went he'd be dramatic and make everything about him. Don't worry about what other people do. YOU do what YOU feel is right for YOUR relationship with YOUR husband and YOUR mother in law. Let him do what is right for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might make sense for him to come out in two days to relieve you. As long as one sibling is there, that's fine. But either he helps out on the second half, or takes the next one. Be specific about what your expectations are.

Don’t you think, like other posters stayed, even this should come from my husband?

"Your" plural, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is spending the night with her in the ICU? Surprised he's allowed in the ICU

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- yes agreed it’s up to my husband. I’ll keep my mouth shut now as I don’t want to make him more upset- however I’m just curious how many would just allow a text update over coming in person.
Assuming they can afford- in this case what chaps my you-know-what is that he’s in his car 4 hours away. That flat out blows that he doesn’t come up I think.
But maybe strokes are no big deal??

You need to stop fixating on why he hasn’t drop everything and come to visit. You have no idea what’s going on. Maybe the son he is visiting is super depressed and suicidal. Maybe his wife just told him the other day that she is having an affair. Maybe he’s depressed himself. Who knows. All you need to worry about is suspending judgment and being clear about what you need. If you and your husband need him to come to help relieve you, then say that. But being pissed and hoping he picks up on your disappointment at not rushing to the hospital won’t get you anywhere. Unless, of course, you’re only interested in wallowing in being a martyr and the “good son/DIL.”

[Anonymous]

Your OP reeks with judgement, superiority and hysteria. As PPs have said, you have no idea what the relationship is between your MIL and your BIL. It's not your business. Your MIL is in the ICU. She's being cared for. Whether he is absent or present, nothing he can do will change the outcome. Any decisions that need to be made regarding where she goes after the hospital stay can be done via Zoom. It's not as if she hasn't already been in an assisted living residence. You do what you feel you need to do and your BIL will do what he feels he needs to do. Haven't you learned at your age that just because people handle things differently than you do doesn't mean they're wrong or that your way is better.