Parent has stroke and sibling doesn’t come up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like another poster said, your MIL is lucky that she's alive at all. Most people her age, even most females, are decaying (or have already decayed) several feet beneath the earth. https://www2.census.gov/library/publications/2010/compendia/statab/130ed/tables/11s0103.pdf Your BIL probably recognizes this and that it would be insulting to people who have died young to fuss over a dying 91-year-old. When I think about the fact that there are babies born daily who never make it home to their cribs, it angers me to no end when anyone over 75 acts like they haven't lived long enough. Your BIL is most likely ready to let his mother go. If anything, you should admire him for not letting the fact that she's his mother blind him from the fact that it's time for her to die.

WTF is wrong with you? Seriously.

+1 Dude, WTF

+2 We have some horrible people posting here.

+100.. lots of broken people here…gheessh.

I don't think any of us "broken" or "horrible" people plan on living past the age of 75. I know I don't plan to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

And, yes, I absolutely agree with you, OP, that your BIL is a loser. You're doing the right thing supporting your husband and your MIL. Hugs.

Yes he is a loser but I’m sure BIL will arrive quickly when the time comes to settle/get his inheritance. There is a special place in hexx for these people. Carry on op and let your DH decide whether he wants to send text updates or not.

Same pp with a 92-year-old grandmother. She doesn't have much to give away. That said, I am going to "arrive quickly" when she dies, because I'm really looking forward to helping bury her, making a speech at her memorial about her life and what a wonderful person she was, and comforting my mother. It's the family gatherings that are important to me, but not the money. So yes, the OP's BIL probably probably is going to "arrive quickly", but not for any inheritance; rather, so he can talk to a crowd of people about her life and so he can comfort your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not your brother-in-law's fault his mother had a stroke. She's old. Her health is not his problem. He has a life of his own. He's an adult, and does not have to go everywhere his parents go anymore.

He has a moral obligation to do the right thing and not just drop it on his siblings. He is a loser.

How do you know he would object if his brother stopped visiting their mother as well? Haven't you heard the saying, "to each his own"? Just like OP's brother-in-law has no right to tell her husband to not visit their mother, her husband has no right to tell her brother-in-law to visit their mother. The BIL is probably just grateful that their mother lived as long as she did. I mean, I have a childhood friend whose mother died in her 30s when she was only 8.

So?

So, I think she would feel insulted if she knew that someone whose mother was alive way longer still wasn't ready to part with them. She'd probably react the same way that starving children in the world would react upon hearing someone who gets three square meals a day complaining that they're still hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a difference between mom having a stroke at 60 or 70 and it's the first emergency and mom having a stroke in her 90s, you have your own health issues, adult children issues, and you've been doing the aging parent and inlaw dance for decades. Just because he is retired does not mean he is footlose and fancy free. You do you. All you can control is you. You cannot force anyone else to something, but apparently you feel free to judge up a storm. Even if your husband had a good relationship, doesn't mean the brother did. Many dysfunctional and even abusive families have a golden child and scapegoat.

This. You were not there and can't know the relationship. What would be different if he was there? Be specific in asks.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like another poster said, your MIL is lucky that she's alive at all. Most people her age, even most females, are decaying (or have already decayed) several feet beneath the earth. https://www2.census.gov/library/publications/2010/compendia/statab/130ed/tables/11s0103.pdf Your BIL probably recognizes this and that it would be insulting to people who have died young to fuss over a dying 91-year-old. When I think about the fact that there are babies born daily who never make it home to their cribs, it angers me to no end when anyone over 75 acts like they haven't lived long enough. Your BIL is most likely ready to let his mother go. If anything, you should admire him for not letting the fact that she's his mother blind him from the fact that it's time for her to die.

WTF is wrong with you? Seriously.

+1 Dude, WTF

+2 We have some horrible people posting here.

The reason we have the ability to reproduce is because we're not meant to live forever. I have a grandmother the same age as the OP's MIL, and the fact that she's related to me doesn't prevent me from recognizing that it's time for her to die as well. The OP's BIL is coming at this situation from a scientific angel and not letting his emotions blind him from the importance of the greater good. The OP's husband, on the other hand, seems to be succumbing to his emotions.

No DH is taking responsibility and bil is not because he is a loser.

Responsibility flows downhill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like another poster said, your MIL is lucky that she's alive at all. Most people her age, even most females, are decaying (or have already decayed) several feet beneath the earth. https://www2.census.gov/library/publications/2010/compendia/statab/130ed/tables/11s0103.pdf Your BIL probably recognizes this and that it would be insulting to people who have died young to fuss over a dying 91-year-old. When I think about the fact that there are babies born daily who never make it home to their cribs, it angers me to no end when anyone over 75 acts like they haven't lived long enough. Your BIL is most likely ready to let his mother go. If anything, you should admire him for not letting the fact that she's his mother blind him from the fact that it's time for her to die.

WTF is wrong with you? Seriously.

+1 Dude, WTF

+2 We have some horrible people posting here.

+100.. lots of broken people here…gheessh.

I don't think any of us "broken" or "horrible" people plan on living past the age of 75. I know I don't plan to.

Thus, we're not treating this 91-year-old any worse than we plan to be treated when we're 91, as we'll be decayed corpses. So we're not violating the golden rule at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?

I actually think the best course of action for the OP's husband would just be to block his brother on his cell-phone and also block him out of his and the OP's lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

And, yes, I absolutely agree with you, OP, that your BIL is a loser. You're doing the right thing supporting your husband and your MIL. Hugs.

Yes he is a loser but I’m sure BIL will arrive quickly when the time comes to settle/get his inheritance. There is a special place in hexx for these people. Carry on op and let your DH decide whether he wants to send text updates or not.

The OP's husband shouldn't even let his brother know when she dies. Like I said, he should block off all contact with him with his last message being, "As far as I'm concerned, you're no longer part of the family."

[Anonymous]

She just had the stroke last night. Brother said to keep him informed.

If she is in the ICU there is not much a family member can do first hand and having a flock of family members hover is not conducive to healing and spreads flu and covid around the ward and around the hospital.

Have your brother call his brother every 12-24 hours or so and once a day to keep him informed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL has mini strokes regularly. Some are more serious than others. My husband can’t fly to CA every time it happens.

When you are long distance from your parents and there is a local sibling, a wait and see approach is often what you have to take.

+1

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She just had the stroke last night. Brother said to keep him informed.

If she is in the ICU there is not much a family member can do first hand and having a flock of family members hover is not conducive to healing and spreads flu and covid around the ward and around the hospital.

Have your brother call his brother every 12-24 hours or so and once a day to keep him informed.

This thread was started in April of last year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People can't normally visit in the ICU. At 90+ she may die. They may have to save their vacation time for the funeral. They may have to attend to other details, if she were to die.

+1

[Anonymous]

Who under the age of 75 would benefit from your BIL showing up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 91 yo she is overdue for dying.

What an awful thing to say.

But true. We all die. Fact of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?

I actually think the best course of action for the OP's husband would just be to block his brother on his cell-phone and also block him out of his and the OP's lives.

What an extreme reaction. How old is bil that he is retired and you have three young kids?