the cost of working - SAHM vs WOHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest when my wife stopped working we estimated the first 60k of income was lost due to added expenses.

But it is more than that. Once my wife stopped working I could work late, join outside professional organizations, work longer hours. Be available. Not always as not necessary. But I was not the run out the door type.

Out of all my family and cousins my brother and I have the highest HHI with SAHM wives. I no longer make big money. But I was making 400k for a 15 year run that started when my kids were 6, 4 and a new born. No way could we manage that HHI with both working with 3 kids. Childcare, maid, take out, commute would have been nightmare and neither of us would have held a high paying job.

My brother has held down a 400k to 650k job for 23 years. His. Wife quit when oldest was 1.

This was our experience too. I (DW) fought to stay in the labor market and did so for many years with 3 kids but after I quit due to a health crisis our HHI tripled with one earner. That doesn't happen to everyone but I know a number of families where the sole earner's income shot up dramatically once the juggling act ended.

Same here. I became a SAHM and my DH was able to get more professional credentials and certifications. We had always kept our COL low and we were doing a decent job of saving and investing, so with my quitting work, we were still able to accumulate wealth on one hand, but also my DH's salary went up a lot.

With the pandemic and teens and DH working from home, the household has continued to work efficiently and smoothly because I am home and not doing an office job.

I don't really see how my DHs income could.get any higher. He's a surgeon and has a private practice. I actually enjoy working because I'd be alone so much if I didn't. We do have a wonderful nanny, as I'm also in medicine though I'm a nurse anathesologist. I have a pretty consistent schedule. My kids are now older and our nanny has transitioned into housekeeping amd driving the kids around. I have to say I'm honestly glad my life isn't hers. I get the best of times and get to scrap the grunt work. I don't really see much value in doing laundry, grocery shopping, and vacuuming.

NP here - this is basically me. I'd rather stay in 3-hour meetings or write code / reports than clean up toilets or mop. Even if we'd keep our weekly cleaning service, I know I'd be expected to pull more in terms of organizing and planning the household, and to me, it's already mind-numbing enough as it is. So, to me, WOH is much much more enjoyable than SAH. After working my a** off at MIT for 2 years to get a MSci, I can't imagine the highlight of my day being washing my H's boxer briefs.

Huh? This is DC. The SAHMs here are well-off. Many of us in this area are also from priviledged backgrounds from other cultures/countries and were used to having domestic staff. I have always had a cleaning lady and someone to do other household chores for me at least twice a week. Culturally, my DH and I have no problem in paying the tippy-top dollars to get the best help because that was a normal expense for us. The pandemic has been the only time that I have drastically pared down on domestic staffing. Thankfully, kids are in HS and my DH takes care of the cooking because he likes to cook - so I can manage the rest without the level of help I was used to.

Anyways, I actually appreciate the WOHMs who work for me and make my life easier. Do these WOHMs count?

- SAHM of HS kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest when my wife stopped working we estimated the first 60k of income was lost due to added expenses.

But it is more than that. Once my wife stopped working I could work late, join outside professional organizations, work longer hours. Be available. Not always as not necessary. But I was not the run out the door type.

Out of all my family and cousins my brother and I have the highest HHI with SAHM wives. I no longer make big money. But I was making 400k for a 15 year run that started when my kids were 6, 4 and a new born. No way could we manage that HHI with both working with 3 kids. Childcare, maid, take out, commute would have been nightmare and neither of us would have held a high paying job.

My brother has held down a 400k to 650k job for 23 years. His. Wife quit when oldest was 1.

This was our experience too. I (DW) fought to stay in the labor market and did so for many years with 3 kids but after I quit due to a health crisis our HHI tripled with one earner. That doesn't happen to everyone but I know a number of families where the sole earner's income shot up dramatically once the juggling act ended.

Same here. I became a SAHM and my DH was able to get more professional credentials and certifications. We had always kept our COL low and we were doing a decent job of saving and investing, so with my quitting work, we were still able to accumulate wealth on one hand, but also my DH's salary went up a lot.

With the pandemic and teens and DH working from home, the household has continued to work efficiently and smoothly because I am home and not doing an office job.

I don't really see how my DHs income could.get any higher. He's a surgeon and has a private practice. I actually enjoy working because I'd be alone so much if I didn't. We do have a wonderful nanny, as I'm also in medicine though I'm a nurse anathesologist. I have a pretty consistent schedule. My kids are now older and our nanny has transitioned into housekeeping amd driving the kids around. I have to say I'm honestly glad my life isn't hers. I get the best of times and get to scrap the grunt work. I don't really see much value in doing laundry, grocery shopping, and vacuuming.

NP here - this is basically me. I'd rather stay in 3-hour meetings or write code / reports than clean up toilets or mop. Even if we'd keep our weekly cleaning service, I know I'd be expected to pull more in terms of organizing and planning the household, and to me, it's already mind-numbing enough as it is. So, to me, WOH is much much more enjoyable than SAH. After working my a** off at MIT for 2 years to get a MSci, I can't imagine the highlight of my day being washing my H's boxer briefs.

Ok, I'm mostly with you. I find my job waaay more interesting than domestic chores. And, maybe i do a less good job at my portion of domestic chores than some, but they don't take up THAT much of my time. But 1) Is a MSci different than an M.S.? Or do you just want to make sure we know the s stands for science? I also have an MS in engineering and not sure I've heard ofMsci. 2) I assume highlight of SAHM day is not related to laundry, but probably to some moment with kids. I can respect that. I find the balance of working and parenting to be a better fit for me, plus the $$$$ is helpful. I see how others make other choices and don't think they probably have laundry as a daily highlight.

[Anonymous]

I find it insulting that a woman who is highly educated will be willing to SAHM, to do all the housework etc. I wonder if this is also what they preach to their daughters? Yeah, I will pay for your college and grad school but please find a high potential husband so that you can be a good SAHM for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it insulting that a woman who is highly educated will be willing to SAHM, to do all the housework etc. I wonder if this is also what they preach to their daughters? Yeah, I will pay for your college and grad school but please find a high potential husband so that you can be a good SAHM for him?

I find it insulting that you don't think women who are highly educated should have the choice. My parents were like you. I no longer speak to them. I am so thankful my husband gave me the choice (and financially it didn't pay for me to work but he would have supported me if I choose to work) was I didn't realize it was even an option. I regret going back at all before quitting. I was miserable. Child care was as much as my take home and it was impacting my husband's job because I often could not leave on time to do the day care pick up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it insulting that a woman who is highly educated will be willing to SAHM, to do all the housework etc. I wonder if this is also what they preach to their daughters? Yeah, I will pay for your college and grad school but please find a high potential husband so that you can be a good SAHM for him?

I find it insulting that you don't think women who are highly educated should have the choice. My parents were like you. I no longer speak to them. I am so thankful my husband gave me the choice (and financially it didn't pay for me to work but he would have supported me if I choose to work) was I didn't realize it was even an option. I regret going back at all before quitting. I was miserable. Child care was as much as my take home and it was impacting my husband's job because I often could not leave on time to do the day care pick up.

Why did you not get a more promising job that would have allowed you to pursue a career, like your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest when my wife stopped working we estimated the first 60k of income was lost due to added expenses.

But it is more than that. Once my wife stopped working I could work late, join outside professional organizations, work longer hours. Be available. Not always as not necessary. But I was not the run out the door type.

Out of all my family and cousins my brother and I have the highest HHI with SAHM wives. I no longer make big money. But I was making 400k for a 15 year run that started when my kids were 6, 4 and a new born. No way could we manage that HHI with both working with 3 kids. Childcare, maid, take out, commute would have been nightmare and neither of us would have held a high paying job.

My brother has held down a 400k to 650k job for 23 years. His. Wife quit when oldest was 1.

This was our experience too. I (DW) fought to stay in the labor market and did so for many years with 3 kids but after I quit due to a health crisis our HHI tripled with one earner. That doesn't happen to everyone but I know a number of families where the sole earner's income shot up dramatically once the juggling act ended.

Same here. I became a SAHM and my DH was able to get more professional credentials and certifications. We had always kept our COL low and we were doing a decent job of saving and investing, so with my quitting work, we were still able to accumulate wealth on one hand, but also my DH's salary went up a lot.

With the pandemic and teens and DH working from home, the household has continued to work efficiently and smoothly because I am home and not doing an office job.

I don't really see how my DHs income could.get any higher. He's a surgeon and has a private practice. I actually enjoy working because I'd be alone so much if I didn't. We do have a wonderful nanny, as I'm also in medicine though I'm a nurse anathesologist. I have a pretty consistent schedule. My kids are now older and our nanny has transitioned into housekeeping amd driving the kids around. I have to say I'm honestly glad my life isn't hers. I get the best of times and get to scrap the grunt work. I don't really see much value in doing laundry, grocery shopping, and vacuuming.

NP here - this is basically me. I'd rather stay in 3-hour meetings or write code / reports than clean up toilets or mop. Even if we'd keep our weekly cleaning service, I know I'd be expected to pull more in terms of organizing and planning the household, and to me, it's already mind-numbing enough as it is. So, to me, WOH is much much more enjoyable than SAH. After working my a** off at MIT for 2 years to get a MSci, I can't imagine the highlight of my day being washing my H's boxer briefs.

Ok, I'm mostly with you. I find my job waaay more interesting than domestic chores. And, maybe i do a less good job at my portion of domestic chores than some, but they don't take up THAT much of my time. But 1) Is a MSci different than an M.S.? Or do you just want to make sure we know the s stands for science? I also have an MS in engineering and not sure I've heard ofMsci. 2) I assume highlight of SAHM day is not related to laundry, but probably to some moment with kids. I can respect that. I find the balance of working and parenting to be a better fit for me, plus the $$$$ is helpful. I see how others make other choices and don't think they probably have laundry as a daily highlight.

1) Interesting, I think it's more practical vs. theoretical, like hard vs. soft sciences? Mine is officially MFin, but for a lot of people it's not really relevant and 2) most of the time is spent on mundane activities. As kids get older, they become more independent, spend most of their time in school and activities etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest when my wife stopped working we estimated the first 60k of income was lost due to added expenses.

But it is more than that. Once my wife stopped working I could work late, join outside professional organizations, work longer hours. Be available. Not always as not necessary. But I was not the run out the door type.

Out of all my family and cousins my brother and I have the highest HHI with SAHM wives. I no longer make big money. But I was making 400k for a 15 year run that started when my kids were 6, 4 and a new born. No way could we manage that HHI with both working with 3 kids. Childcare, maid, take out, commute would have been nightmare and neither of us would have held a high paying job.

My brother has held down a 400k to 650k job for 23 years. His. Wife quit when oldest was 1.

This was our experience too. I (DW) fought to stay in the labor market and did so for many years with 3 kids but after I quit due to a health crisis our HHI tripled with one earner. That doesn't happen to everyone but I know a number of families where the sole earner's income shot up dramatically once the juggling act ended.

Same here. I became a SAHM and my DH was able to get more professional credentials and certifications. We had always kept our COL low and we were doing a decent job of saving and investing, so with my quitting work, we were still able to accumulate wealth on one hand, but also my DH's salary went up a lot.

With the pandemic and teens and DH working from home, the household has continued to work efficiently and smoothly because I am home and not doing an office job.

I don't really see how my DHs income could.get any higher. He's a surgeon and has a private practice. I actually enjoy working because I'd be alone so much if I didn't. We do have a wonderful nanny, as I'm also in medicine though I'm a nurse anathesologist. I have a pretty consistent schedule. My kids are now older and our nanny has transitioned into housekeeping amd driving the kids around. I have to say I'm honestly glad my life isn't hers. I get the best of times and get to scrap the grunt work. I don't really see much value in doing laundry, grocery shopping, and vacuuming.

NP here - this is basically me. I'd rather stay in 3-hour meetings or write code / reports than clean up toilets or mop. Even if we'd keep our weekly cleaning service, I know I'd be expected to pull more in terms of organizing and planning the household, and to me, it's already mind-numbing enough as it is. So, to me, WOH is much much more enjoyable than SAH. After working my a** off at MIT for 2 years to get a MSci, I can't imagine the highlight of my day being washing my H's boxer briefs.

Huh? This is DC. The SAHMs here are well-off. Many of us in this area are also from priviledged backgrounds from other cultures/countries and were used to having domestic staff. I have always had a cleaning lady and someone to do other household chores for me at least twice a week. Culturally, my DH and I have no problem in paying the tippy-top dollars to get the best help because that was a normal expense for us. The pandemic has been the only time that I have drastically pared down on domestic staffing. Thankfully, kids are in HS and my DH takes care of the cooking because he likes to cook - so I can manage the rest without the level of help I was used to.

Anyways, I actually appreciate the WOHMs who work for me and make my life easier. Do these WOHMs count?

- SAHM of HS kids.

You'd be surprised that the average annual HHI is less than $150K in NoVA, so at that income, spending almost 4% of its net on cleaning is a luxury. Even in McLean, almost 9% of the kids at the HS qualify for free or discounted lunches. It's a DCUM myth that everyone makes 450K or more in DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it insulting that a woman who is highly educated will be willing to SAHM, to do all the housework etc. I wonder if this is also what they preach to their daughters? Yeah, I will pay for your college and grad school but please find a high potential husband so that you can be a good SAHM for him?

I find it insulting that you don't think women who are highly educated should have the choice. My parents were like you. I no longer speak to them. I am so thankful my husband gave me the choice (and financially it didn't pay for me to work but he would have supported me if I choose to work) was I didn't realize it was even an option. I regret going back at all before quitting. I was miserable. Child care was as much as my take home and it was impacting my husband's job because I often could not leave on time to do the day care pick up.

It sounds like your husband didn't give you the support you needed at home, which is why you quit your job. Since you didn't need to work, why didn't you get a nanny instead of day care? You wouldn't have had to worry about doing day care pick up. Also, maybe your husband should have done some of the pick-ups, too.
It also sounds like your parents didn't help either. My parents would be livid if, with my PhD, I quit my job. (But, I understand your frustration, my parents didn't help us very much when our kids were babies. I thought about quitting then, too.)

My bigger concern is that the more often highly educated women, with graduate degrees even, quit to support their husbands and children, it makes it harder for women who stay in the workforce to get promoted because bosses will think that they'll promote moms only to have them leave.

Ladies, we need to get our men to do more of the heavy lifting!!! It may be too late for this generation, but let's raise our boys to learn to carry the mental load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest when my wife stopped working we estimated the first 60k of income was lost due to added expenses.

But it is more than that. Once my wife stopped working I could work late, join outside professional organizations, work longer hours. Be available. Not always as not necessary. But I was not the run out the door type.

Out of all my family and cousins my brother and I have the highest HHI with SAHM wives. I no longer make big money. But I was making 400k for a 15 year run that started when my kids were 6, 4 and a new born. No way could we manage that HHI with both working with 3 kids. Childcare, maid, take out, commute would have been nightmare and neither of us would have held a high paying job.

My brother has held down a 400k to 650k job for 23 years. His. Wife quit when oldest was 1.

This was our experience too. I (DW) fought to stay in the labor market and did so for many years with 3 kids but after I quit due to a health crisis our HHI tripled with one earner. That doesn't happen to everyone but I know a number of families where the sole earner's income shot up dramatically once the juggling act ended.

Same here. I became a SAHM and my DH was able to get more professional credentials and certifications. We had always kept our COL low and we were doing a decent job of saving and investing, so with my quitting work, we were still able to accumulate wealth on one hand, but also my DH's salary went up a lot.

With the pandemic and teens and DH working from home, the household has continued to work efficiently and smoothly because I am home and not doing an office job.

I don't really see how my DHs income could.get any higher. He's a surgeon and has a private practice. I actually enjoy working because I'd be alone so much if I didn't. We do have a wonderful nanny, as I'm also in medicine though I'm a nurse anathesologist. I have a pretty consistent schedule. My kids are now older and our nanny has transitioned into housekeeping amd driving the kids around. I have to say I'm honestly glad my life isn't hers. I get the best of times and get to scrap the grunt work. I don't really see much value in doing laundry, grocery shopping, and vacuuming.

NP here - this is basically me. I'd rather stay in 3-hour meetings or write code / reports than clean up toilets or mop. Even if we'd keep our weekly cleaning service, I know I'd be expected to pull more in terms of organizing and planning the household, and to me, it's already mind-numbing enough as it is. So, to me, WOH is much much more enjoyable than SAH. After working my a** off at MIT for 2 years to get a MSci, I can't imagine the highlight of my day being washing my H's boxer briefs.

Huh? This is DC. The SAHMs here are well-off. Many of us in this area are also from priviledged backgrounds from other cultures/countries and were used to having domestic staff. I have always had a cleaning lady and someone to do other household chores for me at least twice a week. Culturally, my DH and I have no problem in paying the tippy-top dollars to get the best help because that was a normal expense for us. The pandemic has been the only time that I have drastically pared down on domestic staffing. Thankfully, kids are in HS and my DH takes care of the cooking because he likes to cook - so I can manage the rest without the level of help I was used to.

Anyways, I actually appreciate the WOHMs who work for me and make my life easier. Do these WOHMs count?

- SAHM of HS kids.

Jesus, you are out of touch.

- Someone who's head isn't shoved up their arse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it insulting that a woman who is highly educated will be willing to SAHM, to do all the housework etc. I wonder if this is also what they preach to their daughters? Yeah, I will pay for your college and grad school but please find a high potential husband so that you can be a good SAHM for him?

I find it insulting that you don't think women who are highly educated should have the choice. My parents were like you. I no longer speak to them. I am so thankful my husband gave me the choice (and financially it didn't pay for me to work but he would have supported me if I choose to work) was I didn't realize it was even an option. I regret going back at all before quitting. I was miserable. Child care was as much as my take home and it was impacting my husband's job because I often could not leave on time to do the day care pick up.

It sounds like your husband didn't give you the support you needed at home, which is why you quit your job. Since you didn't need to work, why didn't you get a nanny instead of day care? You wouldn't have had to worry about doing day care pick up. Also, maybe your husband should have done some of the pick-ups, too.
It also sounds like your parents didn't help either. My parents would be livid if, with my PhD, I quit my job. (But, I understand your frustration, my parents didn't help us very much when our kids were babies. I thought about quitting then, too.)

My bigger concern is that the more often highly educated women, with graduate degrees even, quit to support their husbands and children, it makes it harder for women who stay in the workforce to get promoted because bosses will think that they'll promote moms only to have them leave.

Ladies, we need to get our men to do more of the heavy lifting!!! It may be too late for this generation, but let's raise our boys to learn to carry the mental load.

A lot of people don’t find work enjoyable. Some women on here like their work, but some women find that home and childcare is more enjoyable. If someone works hard and saves enough to retire early, they are usually praised, but if women leave work for their families they are criticized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest when my wife stopped working we estimated the first 60k of income was lost due to added expenses.

But it is more than that. Once my wife stopped working I could work late, join outside professional organizations, work longer hours. Be available. Not always as not necessary. But I was not the run out the door type.

Out of all my family and cousins my brother and I have the highest HHI with SAHM wives. I no longer make big money. But I was making 400k for a 15 year run that started when my kids were 6, 4 and a new born. No way could we manage that HHI with both working with 3 kids. Childcare, maid, take out, commute would have been nightmare and neither of us would have held a high paying job.

My brother has held down a 400k to 650k job for 23 years. His. Wife quit when oldest was 1.

This was our experience too. I (DW) fought to stay in the labor market and did so for many years with 3 kids but after I quit due to a health crisis our HHI tripled with one earner. That doesn't happen to everyone but I know a number of families where the sole earner's income shot up dramatically once the juggling act ended.

Same here. I became a SAHM and my DH was able to get more professional credentials and certifications. We had always kept our COL low and we were doing a decent job of saving and investing, so with my quitting work, we were still able to accumulate wealth on one hand, but also my DH's salary went up a lot.

With the pandemic and teens and DH working from home, the household has continued to work efficiently and smoothly because I am home and not doing an office job.

I don't really see how my DHs income could.get any higher. He's a surgeon and has a private practice. I actually enjoy working because I'd be alone so much if I didn't. We do have a wonderful nanny, as I'm also in medicine though I'm a nurse anathesologist. I have a pretty consistent schedule. My kids are now older and our nanny has transitioned into housekeeping amd driving the kids around. I have to say I'm honestly glad my life isn't hers. I get the best of times and get to scrap the grunt work. I don't really see much value in doing laundry, grocery shopping, and vacuuming.

NP here - this is basically me. I'd rather stay in 3-hour meetings or write code / reports than clean up toilets or mop. Even if we'd keep our weekly cleaning service, I know I'd be expected to pull more in terms of organizing and planning the household, and to me, it's already mind-numbing enough as it is. So, to me, WOH is much much more enjoyable than SAH. After working my a** off at MIT for 2 years to get a MSci, I can't imagine the highlight of my day being washing my H's boxer briefs.

Huh? This is DC. The SAHMs here are well-off. Many of us in this area are also from priviledged backgrounds from other cultures/countries and were used to having domestic staff. I have always had a cleaning lady and someone to do other household chores for me at least twice a week. Culturally, my DH and I have no problem in paying the tippy-top dollars to get the best help because that was a normal expense for us. The pandemic has been the only time that I have drastically pared down on domestic staffing. Thankfully, kids are in HS and my DH takes care of the cooking because he likes to cook - so I can manage the rest without the level of help I was used to.

Anyways, I actually appreciate the WOHMs who work for me and make my life easier. Do these WOHMs count?

- SAHM of HS kids.

My H also makes enough for me to never work again and hire Nannie’s, house cleaners etc but he would never have married me if he thought I was the type to quit my job and sit around on my a$$. He just doesn’t respect women who do that. I’m happy you found one who does though! Or maybe you’re okay with not being respected. Either way good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it insulting that a woman who is highly educated will be willing to SAHM, to do all the housework etc. I wonder if this is also what they preach to their daughters? Yeah, I will pay for your college and grad school but please find a high potential husband so that you can be a good SAHM for him?

I find it insulting that you don't think women who are highly educated should have the choice. My parents were like you. I no longer speak to them. I am so thankful my husband gave me the choice (and financially it didn't pay for me to work but he would have supported me if I choose to work) was I didn't realize it was even an option. I regret going back at all before quitting. I was miserable. Child care was as much as my take home and it was impacting my husband's job because I often could not leave on time to do the day care pick up.

It sounds like your husband didn't give you the support you needed at home, which is why you quit your job. Since you didn't need to work, why didn't you get a nanny instead of day care? You wouldn't have had to worry about doing day care pick up. Also, maybe your husband should have done some of the pick-ups, too.
It also sounds like your parents didn't help either. My parents would be livid if, with my PhD, I quit my job. (But, I understand your frustration, my parents didn't help us very much when our kids were babies. I thought about quitting then, too.)

My bigger concern is that the more often highly educated women, with graduate degrees even, quit to support their husbands and children, it makes it harder for women who stay in the workforce to get promoted because bosses will think that they'll promote moms only to have them leave.

Ladies, we need to get our men to do more of the heavy lifting!!! It may be too late for this generation, but let's raise our boys to learn to carry the mental load.

My husband does everything and then more. However, at the time he was working over an hour away and no flexibility with his hours. He would have gladly done all the pick ups/drop offs if he could. But, at the time it was the best paying job he could get. I don't care what my parents thought. They lived nearby, retired and refused to help. I couldn't afford a nanny. I was a very low paying profession despite a masters degree. With day care it was basically a wash. There was zero point in me working a job that made me miserable to pay for child care. Later on, our child had SN and an inlaw needed care. He made more money so him staying home, which he would have gladly done wasn't an option.

Must be nice to make enough to pay for a nanny. You simply don't get it and never will.

You also need to marry a better husband. Mine cooks, cleans, fixes the house, does most of the driving for activities, and manages the virtual school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be honest when my wife stopped working we estimated the first 60k of income was lost due to added expenses.

But it is more than that. Once my wife stopped working I could work late, join outside professional organizations, work longer hours. Be available. Not always as not necessary. But I was not the run out the door type.

Out of all my family and cousins my brother and I have the highest HHI with SAHM wives. I no longer make big money. But I was making 400k for a 15 year run that started when my kids were 6, 4 and a new born. No way could we manage that HHI with both working with 3 kids. Childcare, maid, take out, commute would have been nightmare and neither of us would have held a high paying job.

My brother has held down a 400k to 650k job for 23 years. His. Wife quit when oldest was 1.

We make 500-600 per year with two incomes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The biggest cost to us was time and flexibility. Our schedules were the time equivalent of living paycheck to paycheck. Any little thing (sick kid, flat tire, etc.), and we were in a panic. There was just no reserve.

Now I work part time, and I have periods of time that aren't already scheduled or dedicated to anything. This gives us both a little wiggle room.

Very valuable point.

A lot of people make these sweeping statements about WOH or SAH moms and the things is: it depends so much on your jobs, what other supports you have, your finances, etc.

My DH and I both had very time-inflexible jobs when we had our kid. It was painful. It leads to a lot of conversations that feel like they boil down to whose job matters the most, when really what you are arguing over is who can more feasibly leave work 30 minutes early or get their 30 minutes late, or take a sick day, etc. Negotiating that constantly is exhausting. And daycares are rigid about drop off and pick up, plus you have t pack up your kids whole life every day and follow all their rules... it's exhausting. Life got so much better when I quit and started doing a flexible PT work instead. No more conflict. No more stress over drop-off or pick-up. No more worry that so-and-sos boss isn't going to be happy about this sick day or whatever. It's a massive relief.

Often when I meet women who are adamant that mothers should work full time, it turns out that either they or their DH has the kind of work flexibility where they can work from home whenever they need to, or they make enough money to afford a nanny or on-demand childcare, or they have family nearby who can provide childcare or do daycare pickup with no notice. That's great! We didn't have any of that. The best thing for our well being was for one of us to leave our jobs and then work part-time as the child got older and started school. It was me because (1) I made less money (2) I had more options for PT work in my field (3) I actually really enjoyed being home with our DC, much more than my DH did.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution. It would be interesting if we had subsidized childcare and/or real workplace protections for families (that would keep parents from being penalized for things like leaving early to pick up kids or needing to take a day off to care for a sick kid). But we don't. I made the best choice for my family given reality, and I have zero regrets.

Well, yes, if there are two time inflexible jobs, the household can surely afford 50K for a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest when my wife stopped working we estimated the first 60k of income was lost due to added expenses.

But it is more than that. Once my wife stopped working I could work late, join outside professional organizations, work longer hours. Be available. Not always as not necessary. But I was not the run out the door type.

Out of all my family and cousins my brother and I have the highest HHI with SAHM wives. I no longer make big money. But I was making 400k for a 15 year run that started when my kids were 6, 4 and a new born. No way could we manage that HHI with both working with 3 kids. Childcare, maid, take out, commute would have been nightmare and neither of us would have held a high paying job.

My brother has held down a 400k to 650k job for 23 years. His. Wife quit when oldest was 1.

This was our experience too. I (DW) fought to stay in the labor market and did so for many years with 3 kids but after I quit due to a health crisis our HHI tripled with one earner. That doesn't happen to everyone but I know a number of families where the sole earner's income shot up dramatically once the juggling act ended.

To me, my income is my income. I know legally it's all HHI but I couldn't live off a partner's income, knowing I enabled him to make big bucks. So servile.