Accepted ED but ex refuses to help pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

[Anonymous]

Dad is not obligated, legally or morally, to find private college. We don’t know what his finances are. If he can easily afford it, yes, it’s crappy of him not to pay, but we don’t know that’s the case. No one is entitled to a Cornell education. OP needs to decide if this is important enough to DD and her that they take out loans. Otherwise, she needs to find more affordable options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

Men want to be involved and consulted. In this case Mom made all the decisions and demands Dad pay for it. He is not under any obligation to pay and he may not be able to afford it. He makes slightly more than mom. He probably pays child support which would make it less for dad and more for mom. Mom cannot afford it. One could conclude neither can dad. Mom promised child an expensive education that neither parent can swing.

How do you know any of this? and finally, the dad SIGNED the FAFSA form. He also had a chance to ask questions and explain his plans. It's not a one way street. Did he think that his daughter was never going to become college age?

We don't know the entire situation. Signing the form and discussing it are two different things. He may have assumed daughter would get financial aid. When she didn't, mom got mad and expects Dad to pay. Why isn't mom paying for any of it?

No it is not "two different things." When the dad signed the form, if not earlier, he should have a conversation with his HS senior, who is clearly a strong student, about what, if any, obligations he felt had for her college. Even if the dad assumed that the daughter would get financial aid, he should have still had a conversation.

How is it so hard to understand how to be a good parent?

This. Dad knew DD was applying to an expensive school, because he participated in the process. He should have had this conversation before letting DD go forward with it. Whether or not mom plans to contribute (and I don’t know why people are ruling that out), mom can’t speak to dad’s willingness to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No divorce decree would contain language like this. It might have language about contributing to a 529 and ownership of that account. But no MSA can require payment for college for a grown child"

Mine has it and the judge reviewed it carefully before approving it.

Same. The language can be put in if your ex agrees to it.

Just so long as you understand it isn’t enforceable.

People put lots of stuff in MSAs that aren’t enforceable. Usually stuff like one spouse cannot drink alcohol while kids are in custody or that girlfriends/boyfriends can’t sleep over etc. Lawyers agree to put it in because billable hours. But if push came to shove and someone takes the other to court, no judge will issue a contempt order based on that kind of language. And no judge would order a dad to pay college tuition for a private university.

[Anonymous]

ROTC is a really good suggestion, even if she isn’t particularly into the idea. If she wants to go, there’s a solution that isn’t crippling loans. That should interest her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad is not obligated, legally or morally, to find private college. We don’t know what his finances are. If he can easily afford it, yes, it’s crappy of him not to pay, but we don’t know that’s the case. No one is entitled to a Cornell education. OP needs to decide if this is important enough to DD and her that they take out loans. Otherwise, she needs to find more affordable options.

No one is entitled to love or attention from their children either. Men need to decide if it is important enough to hold the line on refusing to make any contribution to their kids’ college education that they will risk their long-term relationships with their kids. Otherwise, they need to make some reasonable contribution based on their ability to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

I signed the FAFSA and told my kid two things:

1) I won’t stand in your way of applying and I will sign the FAFSA so you can be considered for aid, but I will not pay any gap between in-state VA and out-of-state Public.

2) I will similarly not sign a parent plus loan unless extremely limited circumstances occur like getting into an exclusive program at an elite university that puts you on track for a high-paying career. This is because I love you and don’t want you taking on debt without a very secure path to pay it off quickly. I also will not leverage my future as I approach retirement because I don’t want to be a financial burden on you as you start out your own life.

3) I have your in-state tuition covered with a prepaid plan. Please value that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ROTC is a really good suggestion, even if she isn’t particularly into the idea. If she wants to go, there’s a solution that isn’t crippling loans. That should interest her.

Committing years of your life to military service when you don’t want to be there doesn’t sound like a really good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

I signed the FAFSA and told my kid two things:

1) I won’t stand in your way of applying and I will sign the FAFSA so you can be considered for aid, but I will not pay any gap between in-state VA and out-of-state Public.

2) I will similarly not sign a parent plus loan unless extremely limited circumstances occur like getting into an exclusive program at an elite university that puts you on track for a high-paying career. This is because I love you and don’t want you taking on debt without a very secure path to pay it off quickly. I also will not leverage my future as I approach retirement because I don’t want to be a financial burden on you as you start out your own life.

3) I have your in-state tuition covered with a prepaid plan. Please value that.

And what if your child’s only in-state public option is far inferior to other schools they get into?

[Anonymous]

Not everyone can afford the extra 100k+ that OOS would cost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

I signed the FAFSA and told my kid two things:

1) I won’t stand in your way of applying and I will sign the FAFSA so you can be considered for aid, but I will not pay any gap between in-state VA and out-of-state Public.

2) I will similarly not sign a parent plus loan unless extremely limited circumstances occur like getting into an exclusive program at an elite university that puts you on track for a high-paying career. This is because I love you and don’t want you taking on debt without a very secure path to pay it off quickly. I also will not leverage my future as I approach retirement because I don’t want to be a financial burden on you as you start out your own life.

3) I have your in-state tuition covered with a prepaid plan. Please value that.

And what if your child’s only in-state public option is far inferior to other schools they get into?

That’s life. I’m married and my kids has to take the affordable option over Georgetown or figure out how to pay for it.
No one is entitled to a college that is $75k a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

I signed the FAFSA and told my kid two things:

1) I won’t stand in your way of applying and I will sign the FAFSA so you can be considered for aid, but I will not pay any gap between in-state VA and out-of-state Public.

2) I will similarly not sign a parent plus loan unless extremely limited circumstances occur like getting into an exclusive program at an elite university that puts you on track for a high-paying career. This is because I love you and don’t want you taking on debt without a very secure path to pay it off quickly. I also will not leverage my future as I approach retirement because I don’t want to be a financial burden on you as you start out your own life.

3) I have your in-state tuition covered with a prepaid plan. Please value that.

And what if your child’s only in-state public option is far inferior to other schools they get into?

That’s life. I’m married and my kids has to take the affordable option over Georgetown or figure out how to pay for it.
No one is entitled to a college that is $75k a year.

That’s a line you are free to hold, but you not entitled to it being consequence-free. Not one is talking about the dad in the OP bankrupting himself to pay for college, this guy isn’t willing to contribute anything despite likely having the means to do so. If you wield college funding as a weapon to force your kid to make your preferred choice rather than facilitating their choice, that’s not going to create a lot of warm and fuzzy feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ROTC is a really good suggestion, even if she isn’t particularly into the idea. If she wants to go, there’s a solution that isn’t crippling loans. That should interest her.

Committing years of your life to military service when you don’t want to be there doesn’t sound like a really good idea.

Yet educational funding one of the largest drivers in enlistment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

I signed the FAFSA and told my kid two things:

1) I won’t stand in your way of applying and I will sign the FAFSA so you can be considered for aid, but I will not pay any gap between in-state VA and out-of-state Public.

2) I will similarly not sign a parent plus loan unless extremely limited circumstances occur like getting into an exclusive program at an elite university that puts you on track for a high-paying career. This is because I love you and don’t want you taking on debt without a very secure path to pay it off quickly. I also will not leverage my future as I approach retirement because I don’t want to be a financial burden on you as you start out your own life.

3) I have your in-state tuition covered with a prepaid plan. Please value that.

And what if your child’s only in-state public option is far inferior to other schools they get into?

Think about what you just said a little harder? And define “inferior?” I am serious. College is college, especially for undergraduates.

If you’re trying to say a scenario where the only choices are Brown and Mary Washington University, in what world does that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ROTC is a really good suggestion, even if she isn’t particularly into the idea. If she wants to go, there’s a solution that isn’t crippling loans. That should interest her.

Committing years of your life to military service when you don’t want to be there doesn’t sound like a really good idea.

Yet educational funding one of the largest drivers in enlistment.

And it seems to be doing wonders for our military culture and sustainability of enrollment. 🙄