Accepted ED but ex refuses to help pay
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Anonymous
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PSA: THE OP POSTED 3 SHORT SENTENCES & NEVER RETURNED.
9 pages of discussion talking about what either parent did or didn't do in this situation are entirely hypothetical. And really, if this were a serious post looking for input on a difficult problem, don't you think the OP would have followed up at least once?? |
Anonymous
Filling out the FAFSA doesn’t obligate someone to pay for any school. It gets sent to whatever schools are entered. We sent it to 15 once. I would argue, in fact filling out the FAFSA is making it clear the parent CANT AFFORD that school, otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for aid. |
Anonymous
This is incorrect. She came back on page 3 to answer questions that he did fill out the financial aid forms and makes more money than OP does. |
Anonymous
This strikes me as very sound -- even wise. This poster is up-front and very clear about what he will and won't do. He has college covered and is also making sure to give his child the gift of not having to worry about his financial future. And it leaves their child free to make their own choices within a specified framework. I wish my ex had been so clear. (He came around... But for a long time neither I nor my kids knew where he stood as far as paying for college went.) |
Anonymous
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Reality check - No one owes their child a college education. Especially an expensive private. My daughter could have been admitted anywhere. Perfect SAT. Plus, a National Merit Scholar. 4.45 GPA. We were totally upfront starting in ninth grade with all our kids. We will pay in-state tuition at a public university. If you choose private or OOS, you cover the difference.
All my kids got academic scholarships at great public universities. We don’t qualify for need based assistance. They all graduated, got really good jobs, and gave no student loan debt. One of them did ROTC and was commissioned. He now draws Captains pay while the Army fully funds his medical school. Teach your kids to make good financial decisions. I would love to drive a Lexus. I can’t afford a Lexus and will not go into debt for a car. I drive a really nice Toyota. It doesn’t have the Lexus logo on it. But it does the job. |
Anonymous
Nobody owes their kid anything after they turn 18. They DO owe their kids an up front explanation of what they’re willing to pay for. It looks like you did that. But OP’s ex participated in the process—by signing the FAFSA and presumably not being totally clueless about where she was applying—yet he failed to have that conversation. Worse, assuming he had even the most minimal conversation with his daughter about her application process, she may have taken his silence as a tacit OK. |
Anonymous
[u] Divorce lawyer here: This is 100% incorrect. It is a contract and a court order. It is just as enforceable as any other order or contract. Obviously you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, but if the money exists, he will need to pay. If he fails to, it remains a debt of his forever...and collectable when he dies. It can be taken from bank accounts. |
Anonymous
You are BEYOND DENSE, BEYOND DENSE. Nowhere above did I write "filling out the FAFSA obligates the father to pay for school." What I wrote is that the child was OWED a conversation about what the dad would/not provide for college. Some parents might use completion of the FAFSA form to clarify what they see as their obligations. A more forwarding thinking parent would have had the conversation once they saw that their child was an exceptional student and may want to pursue an undergrad degree at an Ivy. If this student got into Cornell, then that possibility was probably fairly clear by the start of HS, if not earlier. Also, FAFSA indicates the estimated family contribution (EFC). Unless the dad is wholly, wholly ignorant of how federal aid works, there is a strong possibility that the kid's EFC was not going to be zero. When I was in college long ago, believe the EFC was a minimum $500. There should now be a "parental contribution" for all kids headed to college in which the parent explains what, if anything, they will be paying for college NO LATER than signing the FAFSA form, preferably in middle school/start of HS. |
Anonymous
TY! This is Parenting 101. |
Anonymous
Nah you are far over simplifying things and only hearing OPs version. She is literally saying he “makes more” and not mentioning her contribution - OP needs to step up, too. I believe Cornell requires the CSS, so to say that FAFSA will give him the EFC and he should expect that is not really on point since they use the CSS. Filing the FAFSA tells you very little - much less than you make it out to be. Our EFC didn’t match the final numbers the schools came back with anyways. Telling a middle schooler what you can contribute is like play money. They have no concept. Even high schoolers struggle with it because it all just sounds like a lot to them. The REAL money talks for us happened when they saw the offers from multiple schools to compare them. I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible. Anyways, you sound entitled and like you haven’t actually been through the financial aid process recently. |
Anonymous
Am I supposed to rob a bank so my kids can go to their dream schools and feel warm and fuzzy? WT actual F. I can’t saddle them with debt and I can’t compromise my retirement. There were several good posts about it. I mean I’d love to “facilitate” their choice but how do you suggest finding an extra $300k?? And you have ZERO idea how much OPs ex makes. None. Nobody here knows whether he can afford it. |
Anonymous
Do the actual kids attending the college bear any responsibility in your opinion? Since it’s their education, they can also open up a conversation about how it will be funded. It seems to be assuming someone will pay $300k based on their “silence as a tacit ok” is a great life lesson to learn. Especially if there is any tension in the relationship with their father/ex husband. |
Anonymous
| If you're willing to pay full tuition, room and board for the full time frame so your DC can attend that college, then you apply early decision. The chances of acceptance increase specifically because the school knows they're not going to have to spring for as much financial aid for these kids. It's a win-win for school and kids. Ideally they can even wrap up any diversity quotas with well-off PoCs. |
Anonymous
Hilarious. Don't think I have ever seen someone call another person entitled, then immediately refer to their financial aid status and that if it wasn't recent, then it was invalid. My parents told me at 9 or 10, sometime after I had asked "what is college?," that they would not be paying for it because they had no extra money, absolutely none. I received some modest merit scholarships through the college, but the bulk of my BA was paid for through federal/state grants, including Pell, and loans. My EFC was $500 for at least two of my four years of college and my parents generally managed to scrape that together for the beginning of the semester. Yes, telling a middle schooler about what the parent will cover in college may be akin to talking about play money, but that is why a parent continues to have that conversation and that it evolves as the kid matures. Signing the FAFSA form was the perfect opportunity for the dad to say what he would/not pay for it if he had not already done so. Waiting until there are multiple offers can be helpful, but if a parent knows that there is no way that they will pay for a private university, then that should have been addressed up front. PP, you even acknowledged: "I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible." |
Anonymous
But, to clarify, the DH obligation to contribute to college must be in the divorce contract in the first place. We don’t know what is in OP’s agreement. And some states will not reopen an agreement to include college expenses, like the District of Columbia. It’s viewed as a luxury. Which is why you need a good divorce lawyer at the beginning who thinks about college and inserts it into the agreement. |