Accepted ED but ex refuses to help pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check - No one owes their child a college education. Especially an expensive private. My daughter could have been admitted anywhere. Perfect SAT. Plus, a National Merit Scholar. 4.45 GPA. We were totally upfront starting in ninth grade with all our kids. We will pay in-state tuition at a public university. If you choose private or OOS, you cover the difference.

All my kids got academic scholarships at great public universities. We don’t qualify for need based assistance. They all graduated, got really good jobs, and gave no student loan debt. One of them did ROTC and was commissioned. He now draws Captains pay while the Army fully funds his medical school.

Teach your kids to make good financial decisions. I would love to drive a Lexus. I can’t afford a Lexus and will not go into debt for a car. I drive a really nice Toyota. It doesn’t have the Lexus logo on it. But it does the job.

Nobody owes their kid anything after they turn 18.

They DO owe their kids an up front explanation of what they’re willing to pay for. It looks like you did that. But OP’s ex participated in the process—by signing the FAFSA and presumably not being totally clueless about where she was applying—yet he failed to have that conversation.

Worse, assuming he had even the most minimal conversation with his daughter about her application process, she may have taken his silence as a tacit OK.

Do the actual kids attending the college bear any responsibility in your opinion?
Since it’s their education, they can also open up a conversation about how it will be funded. It seems to be assuming someone will pay $300k based on their “silence as a tacit ok” is a great life lesson to learn. Especially if there is any tension in the relationship with their father/ex husband.

So the onus rests on the kid? Just what does this parent do? The parent is the adult. The parent should be setting an example of "how to adult" to the kid, including having tough conversations about choices, money, etc. I continue to be baffled at how some posters have concluded that everyone but the dad bears responsibility here - and that doesn't mean paying for college, but initiating a conversation on how college will - or will not - be paid for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

Filling out the FAFSA doesn’t obligate someone to pay for any school. It gets sent to whatever schools are entered. We sent it to 15 once.
I would argue, in fact filling out the FAFSA is making it clear the parent CANT AFFORD that school, otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for aid.

You are BEYOND DENSE, BEYOND DENSE. Nowhere above did I write "filling out the FAFSA obligates the father to pay for school." What I wrote is that the child was OWED a conversation about what the dad would/not provide for college. Some parents might use completion of the FAFSA form to clarify what they see as their obligations. A more forwarding thinking parent would have had the conversation once they saw that their child was an exceptional student and may want to pursue an undergrad degree at an Ivy. If this student got into Cornell, then that possibility was probably fairly clear by the start of HS, if not earlier.

Also, FAFSA indicates the estimated family contribution (EFC). Unless the dad is wholly, wholly ignorant of how federal aid works, there is a strong possibility that the kid's EFC was not going to be zero. When I was in college long ago, believe the EFC was a minimum $500.

There should now be a "parental contribution" for all kids headed to college in which the parent explains what, if anything, they will be paying for college NO LATER than signing the FAFSA form, preferably in middle school/start of HS.

Nah you are far over simplifying things and only hearing OPs version. She is literally saying he “makes more” and not mentioning her contribution - OP needs to step up, too. I believe Cornell requires the CSS, so to say that FAFSA will give him the EFC and he should expect that is not really on point since they use the CSS. Filing the FAFSA tells you very little - much less than you make it out to be. Our EFC didn’t match the final numbers the schools came back with anyways.

Telling a middle schooler what you can contribute is like play money. They have no concept. Even high schoolers struggle with it because it all just sounds like a lot to them. The REAL money talks for us happened when they saw the offers from multiple schools to compare them. I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible.

Anyways, you sound entitled and like you haven’t actually been through the financial aid process recently.

Hilarious. Don't think I have ever seen someone call another person entitled, then immediately refer to their financial aid status and that if it wasn't recent, then it was invalid.

My parents told me at 9 or 10, sometime after I had asked "what is college?," that they would not be paying for it because they had no extra money, absolutely none. I received some modest merit scholarships through the college, but the bulk of my BA was paid for through federal/state grants, including Pell, and loans. My EFC was $500 for at least two of my four years of college and my parents generally managed to scrape that together for the beginning of the semester.

Yes, telling a middle schooler about what the parent will cover in college may be akin to talking about play money, but that is why a parent continues to have that conversation and that it evolves as the kid matures. Signing the FAFSA form was the perfect opportunity for the dad to say what he would/not pay for it if he had not already done so.

Waiting until there are multiple offers can be helpful, but if a parent knows that there is no way that they will pay for a private university, then that should have been addressed up front. PP, you even acknowledged: "I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible."

Financial aid has changed a lot since you went to college. I could tell from your response it was your own experience. Especially since some of it was incorrect of lacking essential info like the css profile. No reason to be so defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check - No one owes their child a college education. Especially an expensive private. My daughter could have been admitted anywhere. Perfect SAT. Plus, a National Merit Scholar. 4.45 GPA. We were totally upfront starting in ninth grade with all our kids. We will pay in-state tuition at a public university. If you choose private or OOS, you cover the difference.

All my kids got academic scholarships at great public universities. We don’t qualify for need based assistance. They all graduated, got really good jobs, and gave no student loan debt. One of them did ROTC and was commissioned. He now draws Captains pay while the Army fully funds his medical school.

Teach your kids to make good financial decisions. I would love to drive a Lexus. I can’t afford a Lexus and will not go into debt for a car. I drive a really nice Toyota. It doesn’t have the Lexus logo on it. But it does the job.

Nobody owes their kid anything after they turn 18.

They DO owe their kids an up front explanation of what they’re willing to pay for. It looks like you did that. But OP’s ex participated in the process—by signing the FAFSA and presumably not being totally clueless about where she was applying—yet he failed to have that conversation.

Worse, assuming he had even the most minimal conversation with his daughter about her application process, she may have taken his silence as a tacit OK.

Do the actual kids attending the college bear any responsibility in your opinion?
Since it’s their education, they can also open up a conversation about how it will be funded. It seems to be assuming someone will pay $300k based on their “silence as a tacit ok” is a great life lesson to learn. Especially if there is any tension in the relationship with their father/ex husband.

So the onus rests on the kid? Just what does this parent do? The parent is the adult. The parent should be setting an example of "how to adult" to the kid, including having tough conversations about choices, money, etc. I continue to be baffled at how some posters have concluded that everyone but the dad bears responsibility here - and that doesn't mean paying for college, but initiating a conversation on how college will - or will not - be paid for.

You have an interesting way of putting words in peoples mouths. It was a question - what responsibility does the student bear?
There is plenty of blame to go around this situation here. For all parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

Filling out the FAFSA doesn’t obligate someone to pay for any school. It gets sent to whatever schools are entered. We sent it to 15 once.
I would argue, in fact filling out the FAFSA is making it clear the parent CANT AFFORD that school, otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for aid.

You are BEYOND DENSE, BEYOND DENSE. Nowhere above did I write "filling out the FAFSA obligates the father to pay for school." What I wrote is that the child was OWED a conversation about what the dad would/not provide for college. Some parents might use completion of the FAFSA form to clarify what they see as their obligations. A more forwarding thinking parent would have had the conversation once they saw that their child was an exceptional student and may want to pursue an undergrad degree at an Ivy. If this student got into Cornell, then that possibility was probably fairly clear by the start of HS, if not earlier.

Also, FAFSA indicates the estimated family contribution (EFC). Unless the dad is wholly, wholly ignorant of how federal aid works, there is a strong possibility that the kid's EFC was not going to be zero. When I was in college long ago, believe the EFC was a minimum $500.

There should now be a "parental contribution" for all kids headed to college in which the parent explains what, if anything, they will be paying for college NO LATER than signing the FAFSA form, preferably in middle school/start of HS.

Nah you are far over simplifying things and only hearing OPs version. She is literally saying he “makes more” and not mentioning her contribution - OP needs to step up, too. I believe Cornell requires the CSS, so to say that FAFSA will give him the EFC and he should expect that is not really on point since they use the CSS. Filing the FAFSA tells you very little - much less than you make it out to be. Our EFC didn’t match the final numbers the schools came back with anyways.

Telling a middle schooler what you can contribute is like play money. They have no concept. Even high schoolers struggle with it because it all just sounds like a lot to them. The REAL money talks for us happened when they saw the offers from multiple schools to compare them. I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible.

Anyways, you sound entitled and like you haven’t actually been through the financial aid process recently.

Hilarious. Don't think I have ever seen someone call another person entitled, then immediately refer to their financial aid status and that if it wasn't recent, then it was invalid.

My parents told me at 9 or 10, sometime after I had asked "what is college?," that they would not be paying for it because they had no extra money, absolutely none. I received some modest merit scholarships through the college, but the bulk of my BA was paid for through federal/state grants, including Pell, and loans. My EFC was $500 for at least two of my four years of college and my parents generally managed to scrape that together for the beginning of the semester.

Yes, telling a middle schooler about what the parent will cover in college may be akin to talking about play money, but that is why a parent continues to have that conversation and that it evolves as the kid matures. Signing the FAFSA form was the perfect opportunity for the dad to say what he would/not pay for it if he had not already done so.

Waiting until there are multiple offers can be helpful, but if a parent knows that there is no way that they will pay for a private university, then that should have been addressed up front. PP, you even acknowledged: "I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible."

Financial aid has changed a lot since you went to college. I could tell from your response it was your own experience. Especially since some of it was incorrect of lacking essential info like the css profile. No reason to be so defensive.

Filing the CSS profile or not doesn't change what appears to be the father's failure to be clear about his expectations about paying for college. FWIW, the college I attended still doesn't use CSS. And not clear to me how my response is "lacking essential info." A parent shouldn't need to complete CSS/FAFSA etc to have an adult convo with his DC on college finances. But if he does need prompts, then completing those forms would be a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

Filling out the FAFSA doesn’t obligate someone to pay for any school. It gets sent to whatever schools are entered. We sent it to 15 once.
I would argue, in fact filling out the FAFSA is making it clear the parent CANT AFFORD that school, otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for aid.

You are BEYOND DENSE, BEYOND DENSE. Nowhere above did I write "filling out the FAFSA obligates the father to pay for school." What I wrote is that the child was OWED a conversation about what the dad would/not provide for college. Some parents might use completion of the FAFSA form to clarify what they see as their obligations. A more forwarding thinking parent would have had the conversation once they saw that their child was an exceptional student and may want to pursue an undergrad degree at an Ivy. If this student got into Cornell, then that possibility was probably fairly clear by the start of HS, if not earlier.

Also, FAFSA indicates the estimated family contribution (EFC). Unless the dad is wholly, wholly ignorant of how federal aid works, there is a strong possibility that the kid's EFC was not going to be zero. When I was in college long ago, believe the EFC was a minimum $500.

There should now be a "parental contribution" for all kids headed to college in which the parent explains what, if anything, they will be paying for college NO LATER than signing the FAFSA form, preferably in middle school/start of HS.

Nah you are far over simplifying things and only hearing OPs version. She is literally saying he “makes more” and not mentioning her contribution - OP needs to step up, too. I believe Cornell requires the CSS, so to say that FAFSA will give him the EFC and he should expect that is not really on point since they use the CSS. Filing the FAFSA tells you very little - much less than you make it out to be. Our EFC didn’t match the final numbers the schools came back with anyways.

Telling a middle schooler what you can contribute is like play money. They have no concept. Even high schoolers struggle with it because it all just sounds like a lot to them. The REAL money talks for us happened when they saw the offers from multiple schools to compare them. I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible.

Anyways, you sound entitled and like you haven’t actually been through the financial aid process recently.

Hilarious. Don't think I have ever seen someone call another person entitled, then immediately refer to their financial aid status and that if it wasn't recent, then it was invalid.

My parents told me at 9 or 10, sometime after I had asked "what is college?," that they would not be paying for it because they had no extra money, absolutely none. I received some modest merit scholarships through the college, but the bulk of my BA was paid for through federal/state grants, including Pell, and loans. My EFC was $500 for at least two of my four years of college and my parents generally managed to scrape that together for the beginning of the semester.

Yes, telling a middle schooler about what the parent will cover in college may be akin to talking about play money, but that is why a parent continues to have that conversation and that it evolves as the kid matures. Signing the FAFSA form was the perfect opportunity for the dad to say what he would/not pay for it if he had not already done so.

Waiting until there are multiple offers can be helpful, but if a parent knows that there is no way that they will pay for a private university, then that should have been addressed up front. PP, you even acknowledged: "I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible."

Financial aid has changed a lot since you went to college. I could tell from your response it was your own experience. Especially since some of it was incorrect of lacking essential info like the css profile. No reason to be so defensive.

Filing the CSS profile or not doesn't change what appears to be the father's failure to be clear about his expectations about paying for college. FWIW, the college I attended still doesn't use CSS. And not clear to me how my response is "lacking essential info." A parent shouldn't need to complete CSS/FAFSA etc to have an adult convo with his DC on college finances. But if he does need prompts, then completing those forms would be a good one.

You don’t know what conversations the dad did or didn’t have. OP never came back. You’re making so many assumptions. If you’re telling people they are “BEYOND DENSE, BEYOND DENSE” have your info straight.
And no - your input about financial aid 20 years ago in a totally different college isn’t relevant or helpful. It doesn’t matter that your old college still doesn’t use CSS. The college were talking about here (Cornell) does. This isn’t about YOU. I’m sorry that hurts your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

Filling out the FAFSA doesn’t obligate someone to pay for any school. It gets sent to whatever schools are entered. We sent it to 15 once.
I would argue, in fact filling out the FAFSA is making it clear the parent CANT AFFORD that school, otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for aid.

You are BEYOND DENSE, BEYOND DENSE. Nowhere above did I write "filling out the FAFSA obligates the father to pay for school." What I wrote is that the child was OWED a conversation about what the dad would/not provide for college. Some parents might use completion of the FAFSA form to clarify what they see as their obligations. A more forwarding thinking parent would have had the conversation once they saw that their child was an exceptional student and may want to pursue an undergrad degree at an Ivy. If this student got into Cornell, then that possibility was probably fairly clear by the start of HS, if not earlier.

Also, FAFSA indicates the estimated family contribution (EFC). Unless the dad is wholly, wholly ignorant of how federal aid works, there is a strong possibility that the kid's EFC was not going to be zero. When I was in college long ago, believe the EFC was a minimum $500.

There should now be a "parental contribution" for all kids headed to college in which the parent explains what, if anything, they will be paying for college NO LATER than signing the FAFSA form, preferably in middle school/start of HS.

Nah you are far over simplifying things and only hearing OPs version. She is literally saying he “makes more” and not mentioning her contribution - OP needs to step up, too. I believe Cornell requires the CSS, so to say that FAFSA will give him the EFC and he should expect that is not really on point since they use the CSS. Filing the FAFSA tells you very little - much less than you make it out to be. Our EFC didn’t match the final numbers the schools came back with anyways.

Telling a middle schooler what you can contribute is like play money. They have no concept. Even high schoolers struggle with it because it all just sounds like a lot to them. The REAL money talks for us happened when they saw the offers from multiple schools to compare them. I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible.

Anyways, you sound entitled and like you haven’t actually been through the financial aid process recently.

Hilarious. Don't think I have ever seen someone call another person entitled, then immediately refer to their financial aid status and that if it wasn't recent, then it was invalid.

My parents told me at 9 or 10, sometime after I had asked "what is college?," that they would not be paying for it because they had no extra money, absolutely none. I received some modest merit scholarships through the college, but the bulk of my BA was paid for through federal/state grants, including Pell, and loans. My EFC was $500 for at least two of my four years of college and my parents generally managed to scrape that together for the beginning of the semester.

Yes, telling a middle schooler about what the parent will cover in college may be akin to talking about play money, but that is why a parent continues to have that conversation and that it evolves as the kid matures. Signing the FAFSA form was the perfect opportunity for the dad to say what he would/not pay for it if he had not already done so.

Waiting until there are multiple offers can be helpful, but if a parent knows that there is no way that they will pay for a private university, then that should have been addressed up front. PP, you even acknowledged: "I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible."

Financial aid has changed a lot since you went to college. I could tell from your response it was your own experience. Especially since some of it was incorrect of lacking essential info like the css profile. No reason to be so defensive.

Filing the CSS profile or not doesn't change what appears to be the father's failure to be clear about his expectations about paying for college. FWIW, the college I attended still doesn't use CSS. And not clear to me how my response is "lacking essential info." A parent shouldn't need to complete CSS/FAFSA etc to have an adult convo with his DC on college finances. But if he does need prompts, then completing those forms would be a good one.

Why does signing a FAFSA/CSS hold so much impact for you?
What should matter is who signed the ED agreement? All these colleges make a parent sign stating they understand the financial impact. Who signed that? That’s the person to look to.

[Anonymous]

Y’all been trolled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y’all been trolled.

This.

We don't know the entire situation but you go the college you can afford an did your parents cannot afford an $80K school and you don't get aid, you go to a cheaper school.

Mom can pay for school if its an issue. Problem solved.

There is no obligation to pay for college or help after 18/graduation except in a few states/divorce decree.

If you want Dad's help think about how you treat him, finances and much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, but feels like there are one or more men's right activists in this thread with all the references to men being bamboozled, etc. When they became dads did they just think it was going to be all shits and giggles?

It’s just you. How is this a men’s rights issue anyway?

No, it’s not just that poster. I recognize the language of the men’s rights activists. I also note that OP never said she wouldn’t pay anything. She just asked what to do about her child’s father refusing to pay anything.

I’ve known deadbeat dads who wanted their ex-BILs and ex-SILs to pay for their kids education b/c they’ve decided that their ex-in-laws have money and should pay. There are more entitled deadbeats out there than people realize.

You are not a deadbeat for not paying for college. Many married, divorced and single parents don't pay because they cannot afford it or don't want to. This is not a deadbeat situation A deadbeat is when a parent is ordered to pay child support and they don't pay it. Anything over age 18/after graduation from college is voluntary. OP isn't giving any real information about the entire situation including incomes, other responsibilities, how much he is paying in support and extra's, how much each parent can afford/willing to pay and how much the child will pay (summer earnings).

She is also refusing to pay from the minimum information provided. She expected financial aid, they didn't get it and is now demanding that Dad fully pay.

We don't know Dad's side.

Yes, we DK the dad's side, but the dad SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WASN'T GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE WAY BEFORE HE SIGNED THE FAFSA FORM AND, IF NOT THEN, DEFINITELY WHEN HE SIGNED IT A FEW MONTHS AGO. That's part of being a parent, having hard conversations with your kid. Yes, he is not obligated to pay but any parent worth their salt should have told the kid once they saw the kid was on a college track about what they would/not handle for college. The dad owed that to the kid.

Filling out the FAFSA doesn’t obligate someone to pay for any school. It gets sent to whatever schools are entered. We sent it to 15 once.
I would argue, in fact filling out the FAFSA is making it clear the parent CANT AFFORD that school, otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for aid.

You are BEYOND DENSE, BEYOND DENSE. Nowhere above did I write "filling out the FAFSA obligates the father to pay for school." What I wrote is that the child was OWED a conversation about what the dad would/not provide for college. Some parents might use completion of the FAFSA form to clarify what they see as their obligations. A more forwarding thinking parent would have had the conversation once they saw that their child was an exceptional student and may want to pursue an undergrad degree at an Ivy. If this student got into Cornell, then that possibility was probably fairly clear by the start of HS, if not earlier.

Also, FAFSA indicates the estimated family contribution (EFC). Unless the dad is wholly, wholly ignorant of how federal aid works, there is a strong possibility that the kid's EFC was not going to be zero. When I was in college long ago, believe the EFC was a minimum $500.

There should now be a "parental contribution" for all kids headed to college in which the parent explains what, if anything, they will be paying for college NO LATER than signing the FAFSA form, preferably in middle school/start of HS.

Nah you are far over simplifying things and only hearing OPs version. She is literally saying he “makes more” and not mentioning her contribution - OP needs to step up, too. I believe Cornell requires the CSS, so to say that FAFSA will give him the EFC and he should expect that is not really on point since they use the CSS. Filing the FAFSA tells you very little - much less than you make it out to be. Our EFC didn’t match the final numbers the schools came back with anyways.

Telling a middle schooler what you can contribute is like play money. They have no concept. Even high schoolers struggle with it because it all just sounds like a lot to them. The REAL money talks for us happened when they saw the offers from multiple schools to compare them. I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible.

Anyways, you sound entitled and like you haven’t actually been through the financial aid process recently.

Hilarious. Don't think I have ever seen someone call another person entitled, then immediately refer to their financial aid status and that if it wasn't recent, then it was invalid.

My parents told me at 9 or 10, sometime after I had asked "what is college?," that they would not be paying for it because they had no extra money, absolutely none. I received some modest merit scholarships through the college, but the bulk of my BA was paid for through federal/state grants, including Pell, and loans. My EFC was $500 for at least two of my four years of college and my parents generally managed to scrape that together for the beginning of the semester.

Yes, telling a middle schooler about what the parent will cover in college may be akin to talking about play money, but that is why a parent continues to have that conversation and that it evolves as the kid matures. Signing the FAFSA form was the perfect opportunity for the dad to say what he would/not pay for it if he had not already done so.

Waiting until there are multiple offers can be helpful, but if a parent knows that there is no way that they will pay for a private university, then that should have been addressed up front. PP, you even acknowledged: "I agree parents should give some indication if we can afford in-state public, the sky’s the limit, that kind of thing as soon as possible."

Financial aid has changed a lot since you went to college. I could tell from your response it was your own experience. Especially since some of it was incorrect of lacking essential info like the css profile. No reason to be so defensive.

Filing the CSS profile or not doesn't change what appears to be the father's failure to be clear about his expectations about paying for college. FWIW, the college I attended still doesn't use CSS. And not clear to me how my response is "lacking essential info." A parent shouldn't need to complete CSS/FAFSA etc to have an adult convo with his DC on college finances. But if he does need prompts, then completing those forms would be a good one.

Why does signing a FAFSA/CSS hold so much impact for you?
What should matter is who signed the ED agreement? All these colleges make a parent sign stating they understand the financial impact. Who signed that? That’s the person to look to.

Not all schools require two parents to sign it or consent. My husband didn't sign or see any college paperwork nor was involved at all in the process. We have no idea how they paid for college. We weren't win a position to help with much but we were willing to help with what we could. My husband asked to review all the applications and see all the paperwork, especially financial as we didn't want them in heavy debt. I'm assuming one got financial aid or is just really responsible and paid it back (or her boyfriend did) and the other we aren't sure but we think he got aid but he refused to work in HS, college or graduate school nor did his girlfriend/wife so he is heavy into debt per his go fund me.

If mom signs it alone it should make her 100% responsible for it. Dad has no access to anything once the kids are over 18. My husband tried to call the school to find out what is going on and was refused information.

If Mom wants an expensive college and neither parent can afford it, its on Mom to see how much Dad can contribute and come up with the rest.

My kids are younger but they know they will not be going to an $80K school without financial help and I doubt they'd get much. They get they will go where we can afford and if they don't want to do that, they will have to figure out how to pay for it and pay the loans. They can live with us when they are done with school but they'll need to pay back the loans above what we can comfortably pay as our goal has always been debt free. We are encouraging our state school as that is what we can comfortably afford.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a story as old as time. Hopefully what you didn't do is just sit back and wait for your DH to disappoint your daughter. So you could say, "See! see what kind of man your Father is!"

[Anonymous]

The second wife poster likes to pop up in all threads involving money of men who fathered children and now want to be wooed by their children as a condition of continuing to be their father. Big surprise that she uses words like "demand" to describe how his kids and their mom presented the need for him to pony up like every other father does.

Thank goodness my kid's dad isn't such a heartless jerk and that he didn't marry a greedy woman who thinks she has any say whatsoever in the relationship between my kid and their dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No divorce decree would contain language like this. It might have language about contributing to a 529 and ownership of that account. But no MSA can require payment for college for a grown child"

Mine has it and the judge reviewed it carefully before approving it.

Same. The language can be put in if your ex agrees to it.

Just so long as you understand it isn’t enforceable.

People put lots of stuff in MSAs that aren’t enforceable. Usually stuff like one spouse cannot drink alcohol while kids are in custody or that girlfriends/boyfriends can’t sleep over etc. Lawyers agree to put it in because billable hours. But if push came to shove and someone takes the other to court, no judge will issue a contempt order based on that kind of language. And no judge would order a dad to pay college tuition for a private university.

[u]

Divorce lawyer here: This is 100% incorrect. It is a contract and a court order. It is just as enforceable as any other order or contract. Obviously you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, but if the money exists, he will need to pay. If he fails to, it remains a debt of his forever...and collectable when he dies. It can be taken from bank accounts.

But, to clarify, the DH obligation to contribute to college must be in the divorce contract in the first place. We don’t know what is in OP’s agreement. And some states will not reopen an agreement to include college expenses, like the District of Columbia. It’s viewed as a luxury. Which is why you need a good divorce lawyer at the beginning who thinks about college and inserts it into the agreement.

It will never be inserted into an Agreement after the divorce in any jurisdiction. And having a good lawyer is important, but so is divorcing someone who is amenable to this type of requirement. It’s making something that you could never be required to do, become a binding requirement. That means if you’re disabled, ill, laid off, etc - you will still owe what you agreed to pay.

[Anonymous]

Find a cheaper school! 60k is insane for an undergraduate degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The second wife poster likes to pop up in all threads involving money of men who fathered children and now want to be wooed by their children as a condition of continuing to be their father. Big surprise that she uses words like "demand" to describe how his kids and their mom presented the need for him to pony up like every other father does.

Thank goodness my kid's dad isn't such a heartless jerk and that he didn't marry a greedy woman who thinks she has any say whatsoever in the relationship between my kid and their dad.

There is a big difference if your child's Dad is involved and included in parenting decisions. You simply don't get it works differently with each family/child.

Married parents don't pay for college. Its not selfish. Parents don't owe you college. Its a luxury. Child can go to community college and live with mom if its an issue of money. Its very entitled to demand Dad pay $80K and Mom pay nothing per year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No divorce decree would contain language like this. It might have language about contributing to a 529 and ownership of that account. But no MSA can require payment for college for a grown child"

Mine has it and the judge reviewed it carefully before approving it.

Same. The language can be put in if your ex agrees to it.

Just so long as you understand it isn’t enforceable.

People put lots of stuff in MSAs that aren’t enforceable. Usually stuff like one spouse cannot drink alcohol while kids are in custody or that girlfriends/boyfriends can’t sleep over etc. Lawyers agree to put it in because billable hours. But if push came to shove and someone takes the other to court, no judge will issue a contempt order based on that kind of language. And no judge would order a dad to pay college tuition for a private university.

[u]

Divorce lawyer here: This is 100% incorrect. It is a contract and a court order. It is just as enforceable as any other order or contract. Obviously you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, but if the money exists, he will need to pay. If he fails to, it remains a debt of his forever...and collectable when he dies. It can be taken from bank accounts.

But, to clarify, the DH obligation to contribute to college must be in the divorce contract in the first place. We don’t know what is in OP’s agreement. And some states will not reopen an agreement to include college expenses, like the District of Columbia. It’s viewed as a luxury. Which is why you need a good divorce lawyer at the beginning who thinks about college and inserts it into the agreement.

It will never be inserted into an Agreement after the divorce in any jurisdiction. And having a good lawyer is important, but so is divorcing someone who is amenable to this type of requirement. It’s making something that you could never be required to do, become a binding requirement. That means if you’re disabled, ill, laid off, etc - you will still owe what you agreed to pay.

In Illinois, divorced parents can be ordered to pay college costs. It does not have to be in the settlement. It’s statutory. Plenty of other states do the same, even without an agreement, including Alabama, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Indiana, Iowa, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Oregon, South Carolina, South Dakota, Utah, West Virginia and Washington.