What’s the most condescending work compliment you’ve received?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“You’re so articulate” as if they were surprised I’m not a total idiot

This doesn’t sound like a back handed compliment to me. This is just a compliment.

You are clearly not a minority.

[Anonymous]

"You're so articulate" is right up there with "You're so well-spoken." Even I know that these are insulting and my ancestry's almost entirely European.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We are so grateful that you do what you do...I was telling Larlo that you sacrificed having so many things in your life to be able to support him. People who serve in life are the real heroes."

Said in saccharine tones as young Larlo looked on at me, beaming. Young Larlo occasionally remarks in class that "My mom says you're poor" and "My mom says if I don't work hard I'll have to become a teacher."

Not sure why you would put up with this and not go to the administration or discipline the kid for insulting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Did you ever think a woman would be so interested in waste management” said a partner to a client about me.

I was talking with a client about their plans to utilize prior dumps for solar arrays, how they structured their organization to support this, green incentives, etc. outside my legal specialty but was talking at a business dinner about the clients overall industry.

This one is horrible and really bothers me.

[Anonymous]

The document I prepared was “surprisingly well written” from someone I barely know, so not sure what the comment was about exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a dean for diversity and inclusion call me “Mama” while I was pregnant and who made fun of my pregnant “waddle.” Good times!

If they were Hispanic/Latin calling me Mama I’d be okay with it that’s totally culturally normal for them. I’d feel included. The making fun of the waddle not so much

Don’t most of us check our “culturally normal” behavior at the door of the workplace? That’s why I say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, which would be “culturally normal” for me. There are plenty of cultural norms that do not apply to the workplace, like whether it is important to be on time, or whether it’s fine to say “God bless you” when someone sneezes, or “let us pray” before we eat a business lunch.

[Anonymous]

“That’s actually not a bad idea.”

[Anonymous]

“You’re a diamond in the rough.”

[Anonymous]

I got a “you redeemed yourself” once, and the mistake I supposedly made before is that the AV team didn’t have the right script for the executive that was speaking later that day. The script had been edited on the fly in another event a few hours before, and I didn’t attend that event. I also am not responsible for the AV team or executive scripts at events at all. The person was just a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll go first. “I love your energy”

How is this condescending? Is it because you have too much energy and it’s a hint to tone it down?

What is the compliment even supposed to mean, and has anyone ever said this to a man? Why not compliment hard work, effort, intelligence more directly.

Someone said this to me recently. I didn't know how to take it but I thoguht it was nice...

[Anonymous]

When I told one of my bosses I was pregnant and that I was having a scheduled c-section so I would hopefully know when I was starting leave, he replied "Oh, so you're taking the easy way out."

He has 5 kids himself, none that he birthed.

[Anonymous]

Here's a recent one. "You look like you'd be snarky but you're actually not."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“You’re so articulate” as if they were surprised I’m not a total idiot

I’m AA and I used to get this a lot

[Anonymous]

“You don’t look like a scientist. You look like you belong on Wall Street.” I actually found it funny at the time because I also don’t have a sense of humor like a scientist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“You’re so articulate” as if they were surprised I’m not a total idiot

This doesn’t sound like a back handed compliment to me. This is just a compliment.

It's a microaggression.

The fact that it has devolved to this makes me sad. The definition is:

having or showing the ability to speak fluently and coherently.

Not everyone is a good public speaker. Some people are amazingly articulate under pressure and fantastic public speakers. This is the way I used to think of the word "articulate" and the way I would use it; to complement someone who I thought was a particularly good public speaker. Someone who has the ability to convey ideas is a clear manner.

Can't use it any more. People automatically assume bad intentions.

But suppose it’s not public speaking or a presentation or even an incisive comment in a group meeting? How would you feel if you were having what you felt was a normal conversation and someone whipped out:”You are SO articulate “? Wouldn’t it take you aback just a bit?
This happens to me quite a bit. Sometimes it seems to mean something like : You are amazingly articulate and it’s wonderful the way you got everyone on board with that idea. Sometimes it clearly means: Wow! You speak English and you didn’t drool.

I have had people ask me if I’m American. And follow that with: “Because you speak like an educated person.” The clash between the reality that I present and their expectations for someone who looks like me is apparently too great.

tldr: Yep. Can’t use it anymore. People automatically assume bad intentions. Because many of us have had to be on the receiving end of —yes— bad intentions and arrogant ignorance.

I didn't need this lecture. Have seen plenty of these stories and get it. But some of us never have and never will use that word in that context. But because of the bad behavior of others, I would never dare say the word "articulate" to a coworker who was a POC or who I knew was from a foreign country, because they would assume the bad intention. So now I just say, you're a great public speaker or you did a great job explaining that or whatever.

Someone else’s painful experiences make you “sad” PP — not because you feel some sort of affinity or even sympathy for another person’s pain, but because you’ve recognized that you can’t use your dictionary definitions as a bludgeon anymore. Another person chimes in with descriptions of their own distress — and you dismissively react as if to a “lecture “ that you’re sure that you don’t need. You’ve “seen plenty of these stories and get it” — so one more, however specific, however hurtful, just doesn’t matter to you. It’s not centered on your own sadness, which is surely the most important shift, at least to you, in a thread purported to be about condescending experiences in the workplace.

I recognize this pattern well.

So, slight shift away from the PP’s comments and towards an article that might interest some of us as we relate to the topic of this thread.

https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/diversity-and-inclusion/women-in-the-workplace