Why do you blame your DIL/SIL instead of your son/brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not always the same dynamic. My brother's wife definitely prevents my parents from having much of a relationship with their kids. They live 20 minutes apart and see each other maybe 4 times a year. And there's no way to prove this online, but my parents are easy and pleasant to be around. I routinely call them to fly across the country to babysit for me for weeks and they do it, including dishes, yard work, etc. My SIL just doesn't want to facilitate a relationship for reasons unknown and my brother is passive and conflict-averse to the point of being practically dead. Obviously that's on him, but if he were steering the ship my parents would definitely get their wish to babysit now and then or get together more than once a quarter.

But it’s still him! The whole point of this thread, and this illustrates it perfectly. She’s supposed to facilitate because he is a passive doormat.

As I've explained, no one is asking her to do anything to actively facilitate, just not to actively obstruct. My brother brings the kids over to my parents' a lot more when she's out of town. He always chooses the path of least resistance, and that's obviously on him, but choosing to say no to 9/10 requests for a visit is on her. You want this to be black and white, but it's not. My parents ask my brother for times when it would be convenient to visit, he says he'll check with her, and she comes up with excuses for why there are literally no times when it will be possible. She reads his text messages so there is no way to discuss this dynamic directly with him. As I've said many times, no one thinks my brother is blameless, but her choices are unkind for no reason and she is responsible for her own choices.

So, he could chose to not use her as an excuse, and come separately /alone with the kids to visit. He could call you himself so she cannot intercept his texts. He could figure out and manage the family schedule himself so he knows when there is time. If he is in such a controlling and abusive relationship that he is being isolated from family he wants to see, he could also choose to end the relationship.

Managing the relationship with your family is on him, even if she makes it hard. The problem is he is not managing it, and that falls on him.

Or.. the way it’s being managed is just fine for him. He doesn’t really want to extend the relationship with you, and letting her take the reins is an easy out.

I suspect if the shoe were on the other foot, you would see the situation differently. Your inherent sexism is showing. Women can be controlling, just like men. My SIL is 10 years older, makes more money, and has a much stronger personality. I don't think she's a bad person, and we get along fine, but it is clear from her actions that she does not want their kids to have a relationship with their paternal grandparents, there is no history here that would make this reasonable, and she is definitely controlling. If a man controlled his wife's relationship with her family in this way, I expect you would see red flags, but when it's the other way around you expect the man to simply "choose" to unilaterally change the dynamic. It also isn't about me - I live on the other side of the country and frankly I am indifferent as to whether we have a relationship. I have lots of friends, my parents, and my ILs in my life and don't need anything from my brother and SIL. I feel bad for my parents, and to some extent I feel bad for their kids who are missing out on the benefits of local family. My parents have spent aeons more time with my kids, who live 3000 miles away, than with their kids, who live 10 miles away. My kids love my parents and they have a very sweet and supportive relationship. They also love my husband's parents and spend lots of time with them, because I'm not an obstructionist jerk. I don't facilitate those visits as that is my DH's job, but I also don't block them. Do you see the difference?

Again it's about choosing not to. Blaming your SIL when he isn't being locked away against his will. If he really wanted to make an effort to facilitate a relationship between your parents and their grandkids his kids he would tell his wife I am taking the kids to see their grandparents this weekend or he would face time them. He would push back a little. He is a grown man and not a child the fact he is sitting back and not doing anything shows he doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

This is not complicated.

(The general answer to the general question, that is.)

Other PPs have touched on it.

Women are socialized to do all of the emotional labor of maintaining relationships, and the cognitive household labor involved in things like buying gifts and planning trips.

Women are also socialized to expect this of other women.

QED

A PP on the first page said, "Its because it is so easy to blame the wife if something is wrong and if something is right, it is their loving son who did it."

I do think this also sometimes comes into it, and I know this is a part of why my MIL blamed me for her son not being closer to his parents. I mean, she also blamed her son, but very much blamed me, much moreso than her son, and even made up fantasies about why I don't like family (what) and am not close with mine (not true-- actually, even DH is very close with my family). In fact, I was constantly pushing him to communicate with his family, and anything we did with or for his parents was because of me. But it's too painful to put all or sometimes any of the blame on your own kid, whom, after all, you raised.

THAT SAID

You rarely see fathers-in-law blaming their sons-in-law for their own daughters not communicating with them. You might see mothers-in-law do this, but not as often as you see them blaming DsIL for their sons' emotional distance. Because fostering close relationships is a woman's job, dontcha know. Regardless of whose relationships those might be.

[Anonymous]

This is a very odd threat to begin with. Who cares? Op and some ops seem to be very adamant about their “positions” on complex issues that range from family to family.

[Anonymous]

I love my DIL and SIL. I adore my MIL.

I don’t blame them for anything and we have good relationships. Then again, none of them have done anything bad to me, and none cross normal boundaries. I would probably have major issues with them if they did cross decent boundaries.

However, I know what you mean. So many friends have acrimonious relations with in laws. Jokes about in laws are epic. In many non Western cultures, junior female in laws are treated as chattel, forced to do slave like labor, blamed for any problems that pop up as they are from different (usually patrilineal) ancestral systems, and often forced to marry old men while they themselves are children.

I am very grateful for such good relations with all my in laws but am sympathetic to many women who are treated very unfairly by in laws. Already praying for my daughter to have wonderful in laws eventually. It helps make life, that is challenging enough, so much smoother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

Well, he has the opportunity to put his family first if that’s what he wants to do. She can prioritize her family, but he can stay in touch with his. Going to her family for Christmas doesn’t mean every Sunday dinner, phone calls, or FaceTime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

Aww, the things you have to tell yourself to not believe that your brother isn’t that into you.

My husband is mild-mannered and very conflict-averse. However, we split holidays and vacation visits fairly. Always have, always will. He goes along with 90% of the plans and preferences I have, but if I ever told him we wouldn’t be seeing his family every other holiday, he would say—definitively—hell no.

If your brother really wanted to see you on holidays, that is what would happen, no matter if his wife wasn’t happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

That's just it though unless his wife is tying him to a chair one adult cannot "prevent" another adult from who they see. If he really wanted to see his family he would make it a point to despite what his wife says. Everyone has cell phones now a days he can pick up the phone and call them or hop in the car himself and visit them.

What's with all these posters letting the man off the hook when it's their family and they are responsible for their own actions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

That's just it though unless his wife is tying him to a chair one adult cannot "prevent" another adult from who they see. If he really wanted to see his family he would make it a point to despite what his wife says. Everyone has cell phones now a days he can pick up the phone and call them or hop in the car himself and visit them.

What's with all these posters letting the man off the hook when it's their family and they are responsible for their own actions?

They literally cannot accept that they’re not the coolest kids on the block.

I also think it’s sisters that have been raised by their moms to be mini-me, but can’t even fathom for two seconds that their brothers did not have the same family experience. They think their families are perfect, but brother has always been watching from the sidelines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

That's just it though unless his wife is tying him to a chair one adult cannot "prevent" another adult from who they see. If he really wanted to see his family he would make it a point to despite what his wife says. Everyone has cell phones now a days he can pick up the phone and call them or hop in the car himself and visit them.

What's with all these posters letting the man off the hook when it's their family and they are responsible for their own actions?

They literally cannot accept that they’re not the coolest kids on the block.

I also think it’s sisters that have been raised by their moms to be mini-me, but can’t even fathom for two seconds that their brothers did not have the same family experience. They think their families are perfect, but brother has always been watching from the sidelines.

I think the mothers and the sisters who think their precious sons or brothers are being held back and forced by their evil wives to not contact their family have probably babied and coddled their son/brother their whole lives and gasp have the not my family member syndrome. Nooo my precious son/brother would never stop talking to us on his own accord his evil wife must have cast a spell on him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the only reason DH ever calls his mom. I’m the one who remembers her birthday, Mother’s Day and sends her a Christmas gift. I spent years trying to keep her connected to our kids - sending her photos and having the kids send her art and letters. I’ve stopped trying so hard because she never seemed to warm to me. She’s polite to me but doesn’t show any interest in a real relationship with me or the kids. She just has an interest in DH. I’m positive she thinks I keep him away.

So just stop! That's what I did. After years of being the one to handle the in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, and nieces and nephews), I said I was done. I started doing it when we met because I was trying to win over his family but I figured out they were users and I told him I was stopping. He is now in charge of all birthday cards, presents, wishes, and Christmas or other holiday cards or gifts. Whether or not they ever get sent I have no idea (I suppose I could check the credit card for purchases but I just don't care). It's SO freeing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

That's just it though unless his wife is tying him to a chair one adult cannot "prevent" another adult from who they see. If he really wanted to see his family he would make it a point to despite what his wife says. Everyone has cell phones now a days he can pick up the phone and call them or hop in the car himself and visit them.

What's with all these posters letting the man off the hook when it's their family and they are responsible for their own actions?

They literally cannot accept that they’re not the coolest kids on the block.

I also think it’s sisters that have been raised by their moms to be mini-me, but can’t even fathom for two seconds that their brothers did not have the same family experience. They think their families are perfect, but brother has always been watching from the sidelines.

I think the mothers and the sisters who think their precious sons or brothers are being held back and forced by their evil wives to not contact their family have probably babied and coddled their son/brother their whole lives and gasp have the not my family member syndrome. Nooo my precious son/brother would never stop talking to us on his own accord his evil wife must have cast a spell on him

My aunt literally has said one of my male cousins is “p*ssy-whipped” and that’s why he never calls or visits, and I told her to her face, “No, Aunt Bee. It’s that your husband makes Rush Limbaugh look moderate, and no one wants to be around him anymore.” And her daughter who was sitting right next to me said, “It’s true. Do you notice that Tim [her husband] stays home when I bring the kids to visit you guys?”

[Anonymous]

My DH's family is the epitome of this. DH's dad is a giant @ss, cheated on my MIL a number of times, and then left her for a series of ridiculous women. They blame whoever he's dating for his stupid, selfish behavior. Lol, right. He's just an @ss.

DH's brother has pretty much ghosted his family. And, they blame his wife. She's not charming, to be sure, but it's the brother's responsibility to keep in touch, not her's. It drives me insane because they go on and on about it. I'm sure they talk about me, too. I have zero input into whether we see DH's family. If he wants to go, we go. If he doesn't, we don't. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you in 90% of cases but sometimes it is the DIL/SIL who is actively trying to reduce contact or family vacation time. Like the son/brother will be on the phone and she’ll pull him away for something trivial (which is okay if it’s occasional, but not if it’s constant). Or the son/brother wants to visit, but she’s “in charge” of the social and vacation calendar and there’s no room to see the ILs. Again this is not common but it is true for some families.

She is in charge (not “in charge”) because that is how they as a couple work. The DH is equally responsible for that.

[Anonymous]

I want to know where they go every holiday since you said your sister-in-law has no family and it's just super jealous of you guys.