Why do you blame your DIL/SIL instead of your son/brother?

[Anonymous]

It's possible your brother visits his parents more when she is out of town so he doesn't have to take care of the kids by himself. Your brother should check with the wife on the family schedule because its very apparent by your description of him, he does not handle anything with the calendar much less make any real family decisions so yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nobody is asking her to be responsible for the relationship between my parents and her kids, just not to go out of her way to say no to every request that comes through my brother.

What proof do you have that she is saying No?

Because when they text my brother, she responds, saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's possible your brother visits his parents more when she is out of town so he doesn't have to take care of the kids by himself. Your brother should check with the wife on the family schedule because its very apparent by your description of him, he does not handle anything with the calendar much less make any real family decisions so yeah.

A lot of the time there isn't a conflicting event, they just "are focusing on family time." And my parents aren't even proposing specific times, simply asking if there is a time that works in the next few weeks - they're retired and flexible. I don't know why you are bending over backwards to pretend that 100% of the time bad family dynamics are solely the husband's fault. That's clearly absurd. Everyone involved in these situations is making his or her own choices and should be responsible for them. Your position seems to be that it's a man's job to override his wife when he doesn't agree with her approach to his family, but I find that perspective unrealistic in some cases, like this one. Your thinking on this topic is bizarrely rigid.

[Anonymous]

So the text reads as follows:

Grandparents - Hi my adoring son. we would love to invite ourselves over to your house for a visit

Harpy wife - This is the wife, NO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not always the same dynamic. My brother's wife definitely prevents my parents from having much of a relationship with their kids. They live 20 minutes apart and see each other maybe 4 times a year. And there's no way to prove this online, but my parents are easy and pleasant to be around. I routinely call them to fly across the country to babysit for me for weeks and they do it, including dishes, yard work, etc. My SIL just doesn't want to facilitate a relationship for reasons unknown and my brother is passive and conflict-averse to the point of being practically dead. Obviously that's on him, but if he were steering the ship my parents would definitely get their wish to babysit now and then or get together more than once a quarter.

But it’s still him! The whole point of this thread, and this illustrates it perfectly. She’s supposed to facilitate because he is a passive doormat.

As I've explained, no one is asking her to do anything to actively facilitate, just not to actively obstruct. My brother brings the kids over to my parents' a lot more when she's out of town. He always chooses the path of least resistance, and that's obviously on him, but choosing to say no to 9/10 requests for a visit is on her. You want this to be black and white, but it's not. My parents ask my brother for times when it would be convenient to visit, he says he'll check with her, and she comes up with excuses for why there are literally no times when it will be possible. She reads his text messages so there is no way to discuss this dynamic directly with him. As I've said many times, no one thinks my brother is blameless, but her choices are unkind for no reason and she is responsible for her own choices.

So, he could chose to not use her as an excuse, and come separately /alone with the kids to visit. He could call you himself so she cannot intercept his texts. He could figure out and manage the family schedule himself so he knows when there is time. If he is in such a controlling and abusive relationship that he is being isolated from family he wants to see, he could also choose to end the relationship.

Managing the relationship with your family is on him, even if she makes it hard. The problem is he is not managing it, and that falls on him.

Or.. the way it’s being managed is just fine for him. He doesn’t really want to extend the relationship with you, and letting her take the reins is an easy out.

I suspect if the shoe were on the other foot, you would see the situation differently. Your inherent sexism is showing. Women can be controlling, just like men. My SIL is 10 years older, makes more money, and has a much stronger personality. I don't think she's a bad person, and we get along fine, but it is clear from her actions that she does not want their kids to have a relationship with their paternal grandparents, there is no history here that would make this reasonable, and she is definitely controlling. If a man controlled his wife's relationship with her family in this way, I expect you would see red flags, but when it's the other way around you expect the man to simply "choose" to unilaterally change the dynamic. It also isn't about me - I live on the other side of the country and frankly I am indifferent as to whether we have a relationship. I have lots of friends, my parents, and my ILs in my life and don't need anything from my brother and SIL. I feel bad for my parents, and to some extent I feel bad for their kids who are missing out on the benefits of local family. My parents have spent aeons more time with my kids, who live 3000 miles away, than with their kids, who live 10 miles away. My kids love my parents and they have a very sweet and supportive relationship. They also love my husband's parents and spend lots of time with them, because I'm not an obstructionist jerk. I don't facilitate those visits as that is my DH's job, but I also don't block them. Do you see the difference?

Please see my point about abuse, so yeah, I do see the red flags. This is the same advice I would tell a woman in the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the text reads as follows:

Grandparents - Hi my adoring son. we would love to invite ourselves over to your house for a visit

Harpy wife - This is the wife, NO

More like "Hi Larlo, we'd love to see the kids; is there a time in the next few weeks that works?"

Response from wife's phone: "I saw that you asked Larlo about times to get together. We're really busy in the next few weeks and need to focus on family time when we're not busy. Maybe another month." [Repeat in 4-6 weeks] She's not aggressive, just evasive. I am sure you won't believe this because it doesn't fit your preexisting narrative, but there are truly no facts that would make this normal. My parents are easygoing, nonjudgmental, and eager to be helpful. SIL is not a harpy, but she has chosen to stand in the way of this relationship for reasons that are opaque to me. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the text reads as follows:

Grandparents - Hi my adoring son. we would love to invite ourselves over to your house for a visit

Harpy wife - This is the wife, NO

More like "Hi Larlo, we'd love to see the kids; is there a time in the next few weeks that works?"

Response from wife's phone: "I saw that you asked Larlo about times to get together. We're really busy in the next few weeks and need to focus on family time when we're not busy. Maybe another month." [Repeat in 4-6 weeks] She's not aggressive, just evasive. I am sure you won't believe this because it doesn't fit your preexisting narrative, but there are truly no facts that would make this normal. My parents are easygoing, nonjudgmental, and eager to be helpful. SIL is not a harpy, but she has chosen to stand in the way of this relationship for reasons that are opaque to me. It is what it is.

They need to talk to your brother about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nobody is asking her to be responsible for the relationship between my parents and her kids, just not to go out of her way to say no to every request that comes through my brother.

What proof do you have that she is saying No?

Because when they text my brother, she responds, saying no.

This sounds to me like your brother is just not that into you, but she is the one with the courage to say so. Could not be this, but just as easily could be this. And honestly, your brother sounds pathetic. Why is he too lazy to respond to his own texts directed to him?

[Anonymous]

TOTALLY agree. My mom did this, too. She blamed a lot on my SIL, but let my brother off the hook. Now brother and SIL are divorced, mom can't blame stuff on SIL anymore. She's realizing my brother may be incredibly successful and academically intelligent, but the emotional intelligence piece is lacking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the text reads as follows:

Grandparents - Hi my adoring son. we would love to invite ourselves over to your house for a visit

Harpy wife - This is the wife, NO

More like "Hi Larlo, we'd love to see the kids; is there a time in the next few weeks that works?"

Response from wife's phone: "I saw that you asked Larlo about times to get together. We're really busy in the next few weeks and need to focus on family time when we're not busy. Maybe another month." [Repeat in 4-6 weeks] She's not aggressive, just evasive. I am sure you won't believe this because it doesn't fit your preexisting narrative, but there are truly no facts that would make this normal. My parents are easygoing, nonjudgmental, and eager to be helpful. SIL is not a harpy, but she has chosen to stand in the way of this relationship for reasons that are opaque to me. It is what it is.

Do you parents know how to make phone calls to your brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the text reads as follows:

Grandparents - Hi my adoring son. we would love to invite ourselves over to your house for a visit

Harpy wife - This is the wife, NO

More like "Hi Larlo, we'd love to see the kids; is there a time in the next few weeks that works?"

Response from wife's phone: "I saw that you asked Larlo about times to get together. We're really busy in the next few weeks and need to focus on family time when we're not busy. Maybe another month." [Repeat in 4-6 weeks] She's not aggressive, just evasive. I am sure you won't believe this because it doesn't fit your preexisting narrative, but there are truly no facts that would make this normal. My parents are easygoing, nonjudgmental, and eager to be helpful. SIL is not a harpy, but she has chosen to stand in the way of this relationship for reasons that are opaque to me. It is what it is.

So me:

USING THE ACTUAL PHONE AND NOT TEXT:

“Hey bro, how’s it going? Heard mom and dad are trying to meet up with you. Sounds super busy. They really miss you guys, what’s up?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the text reads as follows:

Grandparents - Hi my adoring son. we would love to invite ourselves over to your house for a visit

Harpy wife - This is the wife, NO

More like "Hi Larlo, we'd love to see the kids; is there a time in the next few weeks that works?"

Response from wife's phone: "I saw that you asked Larlo about times to get together. We're really busy in the next few weeks and need to focus on family time when we're not busy. Maybe another month." [Repeat in 4-6 weeks] She's not aggressive, just evasive. I am sure you won't believe this because it doesn't fit your preexisting narrative, but there are truly no facts that would make this normal. My parents are easygoing, nonjudgmental, and eager to be helpful. SIL is not a harpy, but she has chosen to stand in the way of this relationship for reasons that are opaque to me. It is what it is.

So look, your brother's wife may be a raging b*tch who wants to ice out his whole family. I won't deny that happens! But the entire point of this thread is that the person to be mad at IS YOUR BROTHER. He sees these communications, and goes along with them. He may be "conflict adverse" and maybe his wife is abusive. That sucks for sure. But it doesn't change the core fact that the only person who can change this dynamic is HIM. Not your SIL. Not your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the text reads as follows:

Grandparents - Hi my adoring son. we would love to invite ourselves over to your house for a visit

Harpy wife - This is the wife, NO

More like "Hi Larlo, we'd love to see the kids; is there a time in the next few weeks that works?"

Response from wife's phone: "I saw that you asked Larlo about times to get together. We're really busy in the next few weeks and need to focus on family time when we're not busy. Maybe another month." [Repeat in 4-6 weeks] She's not aggressive, just evasive. I am sure you won't believe this because it doesn't fit your preexisting narrative, but there are truly no facts that would make this normal. My parents are easygoing, nonjudgmental, and eager to be helpful. SIL is not a harpy, but she has chosen to stand in the way of this relationship for reasons that are opaque to me. It is what it is.

So me:

USING THE ACTUAL PHONE AND NOT TEXT:

“Hey bro, how’s it going? Heard mom and dad are trying to meet up with you. Sounds super busy. They really miss you guys, what’s up?”

NO. This does not involve anyone else but Brother and Parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So look, your brother's wife may be a raging b*tch who wants to ice out his whole family. I won't deny that happens! But the entire point of this thread is that the person to be mad at IS YOUR BROTHER. He sees these communications, and goes along with them. He may be "conflict adverse" and maybe his wife is abusive. That sucks for sure. But it doesn't change the core fact that the only person who can change this dynamic is HIM. Not your SIL. Not your parents.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nobody is asking her to be responsible for the relationship between my parents and her kids, just not to go out of her way to say no to every request that comes through my brother.

What proof do you have that she is saying No?

Because when they text my brother, she responds, saying no.

This sounds to me like your brother is just not that into you, but she is the one with the courage to say so. Could not be this, but just as easily could be this. And honestly, your brother sounds pathetic. Why is he too lazy to respond to his own texts directed to him?

Why is HE never responding? It sounds to me that your brother sucks as a partner and father and he is just as lazy within his own family and spends minimal time being either so there really is no time for him to be all fakey awesome with his parents.