Why do you blame your DIL/SIL instead of your son/brother?

[Anonymous]

I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

[Anonymous]

MILs don’t want to face the fact that they and their spouses raised inconsiderate, disconnected sons. Sisters don’t want to face the fact that they have disinterested brothers.

It’s easiest to nag and blame the wife, unfortunately, for some women. I personally think the dynamic is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

I always called, sent gifts and visited my MIL so she had no excuses to blame me. Now my mom.. don't call, don't send gifts and avoid her as much as possible. She then goes to my husband to bother him and he ignores her too. He taught me how to ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Agreed! In laws think their sons are controlled by their wives. So easy to blame on the wives.

[Anonymous]

Its because it is so easy to blame the wife if something is wrong and if something is right, it is their loving son who did it.

For eg. I many years ago organised and paid (joint funds with DH) for a holiday with my in-laws. They didn't have to pay a cent, just show up and enjoy. I asked for ocean views but they put us in a garden view room. My MIL tut tutted at me for trying to ruin their vacation. Blamed me openly and criticised me. DH did get us in another room and it was cleared up however I was blamed.

So I told DH that if he ever wanted to go on vacation with them again he could organise it. He tried the following year but the resort wouldn't confirm an ocean view room, just like what happened with me, you can request it but it was not guaranteed. After that he couldn't be bothered organising it and we have never been away with the in-laws again. I did tell them that the room was not guaranteed however they just thought I was stupid.

Of course its my fault we haven't gone on vacation again. Nothing to do with their son.

[Anonymous]

I’m the only reason DH ever calls his mom. I’m the one who remembers her birthday, Mother’s Day and sends her a Christmas gift. I spent years trying to keep her connected to our kids - sending her photos and having the kids send her art and letters. I’ve stopped trying so hard because she never seemed to warm to me. She’s polite to me but doesn’t show any interest in a real relationship with me or the kids. She just has an interest in DH. I’m positive she thinks I keep him away.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you in 90% of cases but sometimes it is the DIL/SIL who is actively trying to reduce contact or family vacation time. Like the son/brother will be on the phone and she’ll pull him away for something trivial (which is okay if it’s occasional, but not if it’s constant). Or the son/brother wants to visit, but she’s “in charge” of the social and vacation calendar and there’s no room to see the ILs. Again this is not common but it is true for some families.

[Anonymous]

My MIL told DH that I and my family have brainwashed him. None of us — DH included — understand what the hell she’s talking about. But any dissatisfaction she feels WRT anything related to us is squarely put on me (and my family, too, evidently!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you in 90% of cases but sometimes it is the DIL/SIL who is actively trying to reduce contact or family vacation time. Like the son/brother will be on the phone and she’ll pull him away for something trivial (which is okay if it’s occasional, but not if it’s constant). Or the son/brother wants to visit, but she’s “in charge” of the social and vacation calendar and there’s no room to see the ILs. Again this is not common but it is true for some families.

Not OP. But even in cases like that isn't that still illustrating OP's point? The son/brother is not a child and can speak up with his wife. At the end of the day he is responsible for his own actions therefore if it continues happening he is allowing it to happen and isn't saying anything about it so that still illustrates the OP's original point that the blame should fall on the son/brother and not the DIL/SIL. The wife isn't responsible for maintaining closeness to her husband's side of the family or vacation time with them the husband is and if he isn't speaking up and saying hey I want to see my family too then ultimately he is choosing not to.

Also I'm not sure what trivial things you are referring to but usually when wives pull their husbands away from the phone it isn't for no reason it's usually because he is most likely not spending the adequate time with her or he is too busy yapping with his mom/sister instead of stepping up and helping with child rearing responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

My MIL called me today to hassle me about something related to my kids.

My husband was, at that very moment, AT HER HOUSE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL called me today to hassle me about something related to my kids.

My husband was, at that very moment, AT HER HOUSE.

I wouldn’t have answered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you in 90% of cases but sometimes it is the DIL/SIL who is actively trying to reduce contact or family vacation time. Like the son/brother will be on the phone and she’ll pull him away for something trivial (which is okay if it’s occasional, but not if it’s constant). Or the son/brother wants to visit, but she’s “in charge” of the social and vacation calendar and there’s no room to see the ILs. Again this is not common but it is true for some families.

This is still a son or brother problem. The fact that he puts up with it or is ok with this is HIS PROBLEM to solve with his family and her. Not HER problem to solve. He may not see anything wrong w it. Which means it’s the family who needs to get over it.

[Anonymous]

It's not always the same dynamic. My brother's wife definitely prevents my parents from having much of a relationship with their kids. They live 20 minutes apart and see each other maybe 4 times a year. And there's no way to prove this online, but my parents are easy and pleasant to be around. I routinely call them to fly across the country to babysit for me for weeks and they do it, including dishes, yard work, etc. My SIL just doesn't want to facilitate a relationship for reasons unknown and my brother is passive and conflict-averse to the point of being practically dead. Obviously that's on him, but if he were steering the ship my parents would definitely get their wish to babysit now and then or get together more than once a quarter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL called me today to hassle me about something related to my kids.

My husband was, at that very moment, AT HER HOUSE.

I wouldn’t have answered.

I didn’t know why she was calling or that he was there, at that moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not always the same dynamic. My brother's wife definitely prevents my parents from having much of a relationship with their kids. They live 20 minutes apart and see each other maybe 4 times a year. And there's no way to prove this online, but my parents are easy and pleasant to be around. I routinely call them to fly across the country to babysit for me for weeks and they do it, including dishes, yard work, etc. My SIL just doesn't want to facilitate a relationship for reasons unknown and my brother is passive and conflict-averse to the point of being practically dead. Obviously that's on him, but if he were steering the ship my parents would definitely get their wish to babysit now and then or get together more than once a quarter.

I'll repeat again that's ultimately still a son/brother problem because he is the one choosing not to speak up and say anything to change the situation. Him being a passive person doesn't give you guys a pass to push the blame off to the DIL/SIL he is an adult with his own agency and he is choosing to be passive and not speak up. That shows if he really wanted a relationship with you guys he would make it happen. He is not a child who has to listen to mom and dad. You guys with these responses are completely missing the OP's point.