Broke off an affair. Going through depression

[Anonymous]

OP You allowed yourself to become dependent on this person to regulate your emotional state. You basically outsourced your emotional stability to a near-stranger. She rightfully cut if off — she’s married, to your acquaintance, and they have a kid together! WTAF?? You basically have just said - I don’t care what my values are, I don’t even care what her values are, I’m just gonna ride this emo train as far as it will take me because it feels so damn good. That is pathologically selfish. But not even in a sadistic way. It’s in a masochistic way because the only one who actually seems to be hurting here is you. Ask yourself why you dislike yourself so much to ruin your marriage, friendship and self esteem by becoming non functional over a non relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP You allowed yourself to become dependent on this person to regulate your emotional state. You basically outsourced your emotional stability to a near-stranger. She rightfully cut if off — she’s married, to your acquaintance, and they have a kid together! WTAF?? You basically have just said - I don’t care what my values are, I don’t even care what her values are, I’m just gonna ride this emo train as far as it will take me because it feels so damn good. That is pathologically selfish. But not even in a sadistic way. It’s in a masochistic way because the only one who actually seems to be hurting here is you. Ask yourself why you dislike yourself so much to ruin your marriage, friendship and self esteem by becoming non functional over a non relationship.

Interesting point here — you don’t even seem to be having fun with this, OP. Why did you do this to yourself? Are you lacking excitement or meaning in your life? The sulking and so on sounds like you’re digging your heels in even deeper. Feels like you have a real lack of clarity about what would make you happy and/or sense of how to achieve that in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a troll. I understand my priorities are messed up. This is how I feel. I miss her and it’s painful. The last text I get before being blocked is that just can’t do the secrecy anymore.
I’m sure she’s in pain as well. Maybe the fog around the affair went up in thin air and she’s grounded again.
I read up enough about this to know this is a real feeling that people experience. May be wrong but a sudden cut in communication is not easy to deal with

Yes, she's in pain as well, and no, she's not grounded again yet. It takes a while.

[Anonymous]

I got a high every time we talked so it was fun. I mean I just looked forward to hearing from her. I don’t know what’s happened to me and why I’m a mess over this and have been for the past week. I can’t eat or exercise. I can barely go to work. I constantly think of future convos with her.

I’m trying to figure out how to snap out of it. I appreciate the tough love of Dcum. I do seem pathetic. There was a day last week I couldn’t get out of bed and I just can’t figure out why.
Our marriage hasn’t been great and I guess I just sought attention elsewhere and got hooked

[Anonymous]

I find it bizarre and telling that you chose to title your thread "broke off an affair" as if you took some sort of declarative action instead of it being done to you. Why do you think you did that?

[Anonymous]

I really hope your wife find this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a troll. I understand my priorities are messed up. This is how I feel. I miss her and it’s painful. The last text I get before being blocked is that just can’t do the secrecy anymore.
I’m sure she’s in pain as well. Maybe the fog around the affair went up in thin air and she’s grounded again.
I read up enough about this to know this is a real feeling that people experience. May be wrong but a sudden cut in communication is not easy to deal with

Yes, she's in pain as well, and no, she's not grounded again yet. It takes a while.

How do you know that if you haven’t been in touch with her?

Here’s a script for your closure: “Goodbye.” Say it into the air because you need to hear it way more than your AP does.

Either your affair is over or your marriage is. You can’t have both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it bizarre and telling that you chose to title your thread "broke off an affair" as if you took some sort of declarative action instead of it being done to you. Why do you think you did that?

It wasn’t even an affair and he didn’t even break it off. The two of them were sneak-texting each other. The woman told him Not to text during certain times. Then, he disregards her express instructions because he couldn’t control himself. Apparently as a result of OP’s actions, Husband found out, the woman told OP do not contact me, and OP is still moping around fantasizing about the next time he will contact her again. Dude, that is the stuff restraining orders are made of. And do you know who is going to file the paperwork for said restraining order? Your wife! Because she’s a divorce attorney. I can half-picture OPs wife taking the woman’s case pro bono, given the train wreck here.

OP, thank your lucky stars you are married to a person who works for a living and hasn’t thrown your $ss to the curb yet. Man up and make yourself useful or things are only destined to go from bad to worse for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a high every time we talked so it was fun. I mean I just looked forward to hearing from her. I don’t know what’s happened to me and why I’m a mess over this and have been for the past week. I can’t eat or exercise. I can barely go to work. I constantly think of future convos with her.

I’m trying to figure out how to snap out of it. I appreciate the tough love of Dcum. I do seem pathetic. There was a day last week I couldn’t get out of bed and I just can’t figure out why.
Our marriage hasn’t been great and I guess I just sought attention elsewhere and got hooked

You need to get clear on yourself about what need this relationship was meeting for you. What is it you liked? Be honest and explore your actual feelings — it’s not a test, there are no right or wrong answers. Once you see what you wanted and needed from it you’ll be able to go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP You allowed yourself to become dependent on this person to regulate your emotional state. You basically outsourced your emotional stability to a near-stranger. She rightfully cut if off — she’s married, to your acquaintance, and they have a kid together! WTAF?? You basically have just said - I don’t care what my values are, I don’t even care what her values are, I’m just gonna ride this emo train as far as it will take me because it feels so damn good. That is pathologically selfish. But not even in a sadistic way. It’s in a masochistic way because the only one who actually seems to be hurting here is you. Ask yourself why you dislike yourself so much to ruin your marriage, friendship and self esteem by becoming non functional over a non relationship.

That’s good stuff. Totally true. 1 week of moping and reviewing stuff in your head is too much. It’s over. Move on. What was done was done. People break up with people they love and slept with and are less mopey

[Anonymous]

Ugh. You're such an a-hole for contacting her when she SPECIFICALLY told you not to. Effin amateur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a high every time we talked so it was fun. I mean I just looked forward to hearing from her. I don’t know what’s happened to me and why I’m a mess over this and have been for the past week. I can’t eat or exercise. I can barely go to work. I constantly think of future convos with her.

I’m trying to figure out how to snap out of it. I appreciate the tough love of Dcum. I do seem pathetic. There was a day last week I couldn’t get out of bed and I just can’t figure out why.
Our marriage hasn’t been great and I guess I just sought attention elsewhere and got hooked

Get a divorce. You are clearly not in the right marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it bizarre and telling that you chose to title your thread "broke off an affair" as if you took some sort of declarative action instead of it being done to you. Why do you think you did that?

He’s living his life as if it is happening to it and he has no agency. He can’t figure out how to make the marriage work, or how to end it, or even how to run the affair without messing it up. So it’s easier to act like it’s all happening to him and he has no responsibility in how he relates to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it bizarre and telling that you chose to title your thread "broke off an affair" as if you took some sort of declarative action instead of it being done to you. Why do you think you did that?

He’s living his life as if it is happening to it and he has no agency. He can’t figure out how to make the marriage work, or how to end it, or even how to run the affair without messing it up. So it’s easier to act like it’s all happening to him and he has no responsibility in how he relates to others.

He’s such a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got a high every time we talked so it was fun. I mean I just looked forward to hearing from her. I don’t know what’s happened to me and why I’m a mess over this and have been for the past week. I can’t eat or exercise. I can barely go to work. I constantly think of future convos with her.

I’m trying to figure out how to snap out of it. I appreciate the tough love of Dcum. I do seem pathetic. There was a day last week I couldn’t get out of bed and I just can’t figure out why.
Our marriage hasn’t been great and I guess I just sought attention elsewhere and got hooked

Get a divorce. You are clearly not in the right marriage.

OP isn’t ready for or emotionally mature enough for ANY relationship at all. He’ll eventually mess any of them up.