Tell me about your spouse’s limerent affair…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, I missed a lot.

I was just curious. I do have a lawyer. I am moving forward as best as I can after 16 years so... please. I am doing what I need to do but this is still the other parent of my kids and so I am still questioning, still trying to anticipate what happens next, the likelihood that I will have to interact with AP in the future if she does stick around longer than expected (I do think it will end eventually; the number of red flags are truly astounding). Again, there are young kids who are being swept up into all kinds of chaos by this mess, so it isn't just a matter of walking away and that being that.

OP, this is 7:16. You and I are in the same boat - 16 year marriage, minor children, questioning things, wondering if the AP is going to be in my kids' lives someday. Wish we could talk IRL!

OP here. I would love to. Happy to create an email address to exchange info. If there is one thing I've been good at throughout this, it's building my village. Normally I have my spouse to fall back on in times of pain, but obviously now I can't. So for the first time in my life I am really making an effort to reach out for support. Because otherwise I drown.

If you two set up a mini support group, count me in. I am on the other side, divorced and done, but navigating having the AP in my kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. So I wonder what happens to the men who go through this limerence phase and he then gets divorced. Does he end up with his limerence partner and is generally happy? It's a situation where limerence is occurring because he is unhappy with his life (not necessarily the wife) but feels so strongly about the other person and so is then willing to make it. work?

It fades. They then eventually cheat on the 2nd wife. Rinse. repeat. Over and over.

Some people are addicted to the new relationship energy. They spend their entire lives seeking it over and over again, blowing up lives along the way. It is an addiction, like a drug or alcohol. Very poor coping skill that often stems from childhood/family issues. Ex-Spouse has an alcoholic cheating father that left a mother that was self-centered and didn’t take after her children’s needs. Both were narcissists. In his 20s, he was determined to be the opposite of them, devoted to family, faithful, never divorce…the wheels fell off in his 40s. Suppressed childhood trauma not addressed with therapy has a way of doing that.[b]

This is so often the cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, I missed a lot.

I was just curious. I do have a lawyer. I am moving forward as best as I can after 16 years so... please. I am doing what I need to do but this is still the other parent of my kids and so I am still questioning, still trying to anticipate what happens next, the likelihood that I will have to interact with AP in the future if she does stick around longer than expected (I do think it will end eventually; the number of red flags are truly astounding). Again, there are young kids who are being swept up into all kinds of chaos by this mess, so it isn't just a matter of walking away and that being that.

OP, this is 7:16. You and I are in the same boat - 16 year marriage, minor children, questioning things, wondering if the AP is going to be in my kids' lives someday. Wish we could talk IRL!

OP here. I would love to. Happy to create an email address to exchange info. If there is one thing I've been good at throughout this, it's building my village. Normally I have my spouse to fall back on in times of pain, but obviously now I can't. So for the first time in my life I am really making an effort to reach out for support. Because otherwise I drown.

If you two set up a mini support group, count me in. I am on the other side, divorced and done, but navigating having the AP in my kids' lives.

How long has the AP been around? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, I missed a lot.

I was just curious. I do have a lawyer. I am moving forward as best as I can after 16 years so... please. I am doing what I need to do but this is still the other parent of my kids and so I am still questioning, still trying to anticipate what happens next, the likelihood that I will have to interact with AP in the future if she does stick around longer than expected (I do think it will end eventually; the number of red flags are truly astounding). Again, there are young kids who are being swept up into all kinds of chaos by this mess, so it isn't just a matter of walking away and that being that.

OP, this is 7:16. You and I are in the same boat - 16 year marriage, minor children, questioning things, wondering if the AP is going to be in my kids' lives someday. Wish we could talk IRL!

OP here. I would love to. Happy to create an email address to exchange info. If there is one thing I've been good at throughout this, it's building my village. Normally I have my spouse to fall back on in times of pain, but obviously now I can't. So for the first time in my life I am really making an effort to reach out for support. Because otherwise I drown.

If you two set up a mini support group, count me in. I am on the other side, divorced and done, but navigating having the AP in my kids' lives.

How long has the AP been around? Just curious.

They've broken up a few times, once for a few months, once for more than a year (according to kids who said she moved out) but on-and-off six years or so, not including the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, I missed a lot.

I was just curious. I do have a lawyer. I am moving forward as best as I can after 16 years so... please. I am doing what I need to do but this is still the other parent of my kids and so I am still questioning, still trying to anticipate what happens next, the likelihood that I will have to interact with AP in the future if she does stick around longer than expected (I do think it will end eventually; the number of red flags are truly astounding). Again, there are young kids who are being swept up into all kinds of chaos by this mess, so it isn't just a matter of walking away and that being that.

OP, this is 7:16. You and I are in the same boat - 16 year marriage, minor children, questioning things, wondering if the AP is going to be in my kids' lives someday. Wish we could talk IRL!

OP here. I would love to. Happy to create an email address to exchange info. If there is one thing I've been good at throughout this, it's building my village. Normally I have my spouse to fall back on in times of pain, but obviously now I can't. So for the first time in my life I am really making an effort to reach out for support. Because otherwise I drown.

If you two set up a mini support group, count me in. I am on the other side, divorced and done, but navigating having the AP in my kids' lives.

How long has the AP been around? Just curious.

They've broken up a few times, once for a few months, once for more than a year (according to kids who said she moved out) but on-and-off six years or so, not including the affair.

NP. So much drama in their relationship. Sounds like this is what keeps them together. Good that you got out.

[Anonymous]

^ histrionic personality disorder. Most likely raised in a chaotic household. They equate drama and strife with love. It’s f—-Ed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ histrionic personality disorder. Most likely raised in a chaotic household. They equate drama and strife with love. It’s f—-Ed up.

Why would drama and strife be synonymous with love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ histrionic personality disorder. Most likely raised in a chaotic household. They equate drama and strife with love. It’s f—-Ed up.

Why would drama and strife be synonymous with love?

Unstable childhoods. Google it.

[Anonymous]

What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ histrionic personality disorder. Most likely raised in a chaotic household. They equate drama and strife with love. It’s f—-Ed up.

Why would drama and strife be synonymous with love?

Unstable childhoods. Google it.

No thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

Not an expert, but having watched two men burn their lives to the ground over affair partners, the difference to me is whether a person retains any sense of balance or perspective.

I've fallen in love, but I still had a family, friends, work, hobbies and other elements of my life/personality. I wouldn't have traded those things for my partner, and certainly not all within six months. It's truly more like an addiction than it is a normal relationship. Everything becomes about the next "fix" (date/sex/interaction) and nothing else in their lives feels important enough to save.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. So I wonder what happens to the men who go through this limerence phase and he then gets divorced. Does he end up with his limerence partner and is generally happy? It's a situation where limerence is occurring because he is unhappy with his life (not necessarily the wife) but feels so strongly about the other person and so is then willing to make it. work?

It fades. They then eventually cheat on the 2nd wife. Rinse. repeat. Over and over.

Some people are addicted to the new relationship energy. They spend their entire lives seeking it over and over again, blowing up lives along the way. It is an addiction, like a drug or alcohol. Very poor coping skill that often stems from childhood/family issues. Ex-Spouse has an alcoholic cheating father that left a mother that was self-centered and didn’t take after her children’s needs. Both were narcissists. In his 20s, he was determined to be the opposite of them, devoted to family, faithful, never divorce…the wheels fell off in his 40s. Suppressed childhood trauma not addressed with therapy has a way of doing that.[b]

This is so often the cause.

I agree with this. I am a serial monogamist for this reason and the withdrawal 10 years into a monogamous marriage is real. I crave it so badly. Is the cheater ADHD? Because a dopamine deficiency like we have can be a cause.

[Anonymous]

a “limerant affair” is just an affair. “limerance” is falling in love. I feel like people are creating these notions to distract from the fact that their spouse is having an affair. calling it “limerance” doesn’t make in any more or less real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a “limerant affair” is just an affair. “limerance” is falling in love. I feel like people are creating these notions to distract from the fact that their spouse is having an affair. calling it “limerance” doesn’t make in any more or less real.

Not every affair is about love though. For a lot if men, particularly the ones that didn’t know the person IRL and just bang on a lunch break once a month, it is just sex. Period. They will say whatever the person wants to hear. If they aren’t bringing them out in public and trying to see them at all costs, it’s neither a limerent affair, certainly not love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

Not an expert, but having watched two men burn their lives to the ground over affair partners, the difference to me is whether a person retains any sense of balance or perspective.

I've fallen in love, but I still had a family, friends, work, hobbies and other elements of my life/personality. I wouldn't have traded those things for my partner, and certainly not all within six months. It's truly more like an addiction than it is a normal relationship. Everything becomes about the next "fix" (date/sex/interaction) and nothing else in their lives feels important enough to save.

This is pretty spot-on IMO.