Tell me about your spouse’s limerent affair…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerence? It’s a brief and passing crush and if you don’t act on it no problem.

No. I did my homework and read the entire Wikipedia article. Limerence usually last from 18 months to 3 years, I wouldn't call it a brief crush.

Yep. And then they see the AP is just a lying piece of sh@t, just like them. Not some noble amazing person. Just a schmuck betraying himself/herself and family. The bloom comes off the rise so to speak. Reality kicks in.

I think more specifically, the person becomes profoundly disappointed that the other person cannot fulfill the deep promise the limerent person expected. In fact, the totally unrealistic expectations cannot be met * by anyone * in reality.

That is why it's always said, it's not what is wrong with the spouse or the marriage when someone cheats: it's what is wrong inside the individual. Until they take a long hard look and start processing whatever is messed up inside that allows them to lie/deceive/sleep around on their spouse/BF/GFs, they will continue to always be unhappy. Rinse, wash, repeat. They will keep blowing through relationships.

Not all cheaters are serial cheaters. Sometimes they just meet the right person.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if you would call it a limerant affair but I can tell she kinda likes a guy that she’s worked with at multiple companies over the last 20 years. They text each other and occasionally have lunch even when they’re not at the same company. She also doesn’t like his politics and claims that he’s kind of prejudice but still considers him a friend. He also comes up in conversations at random. As for the guy, he’s 6’5” and muscle from head to toe. I know him and his wife. I don’t think anything is going on but she’s probably at least considered it over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. So I wonder what happens to the men who go through this limerence phase and he then gets divorced. Does he end up with his limerence partner and is generally happy? It's a situation where limerence is occurring because he is unhappy with his life (not necessarily the wife) but feels so strongly about the other person and so is then willing to make it. work?

I doubt that any limeree could ever live up to the expectations of the limerer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. So I wonder what happens to the men who go through this limerence phase and he then gets divorced. Does he end up with his limerence partner and is generally happy? It's a situation where limerence is occurring because he is unhappy with his life (not necessarily the wife) but feels so strongly about the other person and so is then willing to make it. work?

I doubt that any limeree could ever live up to the expectations of the limerer.

Generally agree but wonder if he starts to believe in his feelings and then makes it work. Sounds like it would be difficult to make work but wonder what happens to the men.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Whew, I missed a lot.

I was just curious. I do have a lawyer. I am moving forward as best as I can after 16 years so... please. I am doing what I need to do but this is still the other parent of my kids and so I am still questioning, still trying to anticipate what happens next, the likelihood that I will have to interact with AP in the future if she does stick around longer than expected (I do think it will end eventually; the number of red flags are truly astounding). Again, there are young kids who are being swept up into all kinds of chaos by this mess, so it isn't just a matter of walking away and that being that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerence? It’s a brief and passing crush and if you don’t act on it no problem.

No. I did my homework and read the entire Wikipedia article. Limerence usually last from 18 months to 3 years, I wouldn't call it a brief crush.

Yep. And then they see the AP is just a lying piece of sh@t, just like them. Not some noble amazing person. Just a schmuck betraying himself/herself and family. The bloom comes off the rise so to speak. Reality kicks in.

I think more specifically, the person becomes profoundly disappointed that the other person cannot fulfill the deep promise the limerent person expected. In fact, the totally unrealistic expectations cannot be met * by anyone * in reality.

That is why it's always said, it's not what is wrong with the spouse or the marriage when someone cheats: it's what is wrong inside the individual. Until they take a long hard look and start processing whatever is messed up inside that allows them to lie/deceive/sleep around on their spouse/BF/GFs, they will continue to always be unhappy. Rinse, wash, repeat. They will keep blowing through relationships.

Not all cheaters are serial cheaters. Sometimes they just meet the right person.

Keep telling yourself that. Let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. So I wonder what happens to the men who go through this limerence phase and he then gets divorced. Does he end up with his limerence partner and is generally happy? It's a situation where limerence is occurring because he is unhappy with his life (not necessarily the wife) but feels so strongly about the other person and so is then willing to make it. work?

I doubt that any limeree could ever live up to the expectations of the limerer.

That was good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've only seen this word limerance on dcum, and I don't understand its usage. (Or maybe l do lol.) It seems like the cheated-upon use it to downplay the severity of their spouse's affair. Or someone who wants to get over someone tells herself her feelings aren't real, they're just limerance. As if it's a clinical condition with no basis in real emotions.

IMO, limerance is another word for crush...and ALL romantic relationships start with a crush. So why differentiate, OP? Either their relationship will stand the test of time or it won't, but it is a relationship, and your partner is choosing to have that relationship with someone else. That is all that matters.

I've seen it used on other platforms. The words means more than just a passing crush. It's what we would call an obsessive unhealthy attachment to someone you idealize as perfect for you. It can become one of those stalker type of cases, because often the object of the person's desire does not return the interest. The more the person pulls away, the more obsessive the 'stalker'/obsessor feels the need to pursue that person. So no, not a healthy crush or romantic situation at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, I missed a lot.

I was just curious. I do have a lawyer. I am moving forward as best as I can after 16 years so... please. I am doing what I need to do but this is still the other parent of my kids and so I am still questioning, still trying to anticipate what happens next, the likelihood that I will have to interact with AP in the future if she does stick around longer than expected (I do think it will end eventually; the number of red flags are truly astounding). Again, there are young kids who are being swept up into all kinds of chaos by this mess, so it isn't just a matter of walking away and that being that.

Of course, how could not wonder about these things. Op, I haven't been in your shoes, but in seeing people who cope well I am always struck by the capacity of some people to not be reactive, easily provoked or ruffled. Privately they may lose it, of course. You are no under no obligation to interact with ap beyond the very basic hello in my opinion...ever. you may choose to, of course, or not, but you owe this person nothing and I think you can actually have a say in when you meet her.. you decide what works for you or your kids...not them.. Don't rush it and don't give your power away. Focus on yourself and children, take care of yourself to the best of your ability. Maintain your dignity to the best if your ability.. Your husband betrayed you and that is horrible. But you will thrive eventually, most in your situation do. Best wishes..and yes the expected duration of their relationship is about three years if that. Your intuition is likely right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, I missed a lot.

I was just curious. I do have a lawyer. I am moving forward as best as I can after 16 years so... please. I am doing what I need to do but this is still the other parent of my kids and so I am still questioning, still trying to anticipate what happens next, the likelihood that I will have to interact with AP in the future if she does stick around longer than expected (I do think it will end eventually; the number of red flags are truly astounding). Again, there are young kids who are being swept up into all kinds of chaos by this mess, so it isn't just a matter of walking away and that being that.

OP, this is 7:16. You and I are in the same boat - 16 year marriage, minor children, questioning things, wondering if the AP is going to be in my kids' lives someday. Wish we could talk IRL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Whew, I missed a lot.

I was just curious. I do have a lawyer. I am moving forward as best as I can after 16 years so... please. I am doing what I need to do but this is still the other parent of my kids and so I am still questioning, still trying to anticipate what happens next, the likelihood that I will have to interact with AP in the future if she does stick around longer than expected (I do think it will end eventually; the number of red flags are truly astounding). Again, there are young kids who are being swept up into all kinds of chaos by this mess, so it isn't just a matter of walking away and that being that.

OP, this is 7:16. You and I are in the same boat - 16 year marriage, minor children, questioning things, wondering if the AP is going to be in my kids' lives someday. Wish we could talk IRL!

OP here. I would love to. Happy to create an email address to exchange info. If there is one thing I've been good at throughout this, it's building my village. Normally I have my spouse to fall back on in times of pain, but obviously now I can't. So for the first time in my life I am really making an effort to reach out for support. Because otherwise I drown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. So I wonder what happens to the men who go through this limerence phase and he then gets divorced. Does he end up with his limerence partner and is generally happy? It's a situation where limerence is occurring because he is unhappy with his life (not necessarily the wife) but feels so strongly about the other person and so is then willing to make it. work?

It fades. They then eventually cheat on the 2nd wife. Rinse. repeat. Over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Limerence? It’s a brief and passing crush and if you don’t act on it no problem.

I agree with this, personally. I’ve had like a dozen of these, and simply not acting on them makes them dissipate in a few weeks. I personally never understood how people don’t recognize that infatuation is not “real” but rather quite exactly like being on drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerence? It’s a brief and passing crush and if you don’t act on it no problem.

I agree with this, personally. I’ve had like a dozen of these, and simply not acting on them makes them dissipate in a few weeks. I personally never understood how people don’t recognize that infatuation is not “real” but rather quite exactly like being on drugs.

This isn’t what it means. You’re describing a crush. I personally hate this word that DCUM is obsessed with. But it refers to something much stronger and more intoxicating, a sustained feeling much more like falling in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. So I wonder what happens to the men who go through this limerence phase and he then gets divorced. Does he end up with his limerence partner and is generally happy? It's a situation where limerence is occurring because he is unhappy with his life (not necessarily the wife) but feels so strongly about the other person and so is then willing to make it. work?

It fades. They then eventually cheat on the 2nd wife. Rinse. repeat. Over and over.

Some people are addicted to the new relationship energy. They spend their entire lives seeking it over and over again, blowing up lives along the way. It is an addiction, like a drug or alcohol. Very poor coping skill that often stems from childhood/family issues. Ex-Spouse has an alcoholic cheating father that left a mother that was self-centered and didn’t take after her children’s needs. Both were narcissists. In his 20s, he was determined to be the opposite of them, devoted to family, faithful, never divorce…the wheels fell off in his 40s. Suppressed childhood trauma not addressed with therapy has a way of doing that.