My Wife Has Been a Mess for the Past Month

[Anonymous]

My wife is Ukrainian and she has been in a bad place since the war started. She has been volunteering nonstop with some Ukrainian groups here in the US. For the first few weeks it was all she did. Literally, we didn't have a single minute together. She did the bare minimum with the kids and then was on her laptop until collapsing into bed.

About two weeks ago, she listened to me and others telling her to take care of herself. She started eating and sleeping better and working less. She spends time with the kids and I, has stepped up more around the house, and agreed to a couple of social gatherings. However, it's like she's mentally not there.

The work she is doing is draining and demoralizing. Basically, she is trying to combat misinformation in the US media about the war. She has had some success bringing voices from Ukraine to national media, but for every media appearance she organizes there are many others pushing misinformation. Honestly, she and her fellow volunteers do not have nearly enough power to solve such a big problem.

I have suggested she help with something easier and more rewarding, but she says fighting this misinformation is the only way to end the war - helping kids or refugees does not. I agree with her, but again, I don't think it's a fight she's equipped to win. A group of volunteers can't change an entire nationwide narrative, right?

I hate seeing her so hollow and depressed, it's wearing on me too, and I don't know how this ends short of the war ending. Her friends are growing tired of her behavior too.

She has started seeing a therapist, but it isn't helping.

[Anonymous]

Let her therapist help her with this one. Just be supportive. It’s her home and she is defending it.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a job? She needs to be realistic and understand her limitations. Put her time and energy where it would be most well served.

[Anonymous]

Therapy takes time. She’s struggling and that makes total sense. It’s impacting you, sure, but that’s part of a relationship. Let her figure this out and deal with the war in the best way she can. It’s obviously going to be a long road. I’m glad she has someone like you who cares about her.

[Anonymous]

It has only been a month and her world has turned upside down. Therapy is not an instant cure.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is right. And if her skillset is in communications, PR, social media management/engagement, etc. then she is the right person for the job. She's putting her skills to use in the best way she knows how.

There are others who are experts in logistics and processing refugees; resettlement; computer hacking; and actual fighting. Your wife may not be able to contribute to those efforts at this time because she doesn't have the necessary expertise or network.

She's exhausted and sad....but I bet she's also feeling fulfilled in doing "her part."

[Anonymous]

OP could you call the therapist? The therapist may not share any information with you (I don't know what the protocol is since you are a spouse) but you can let the therapist know more about your wife, and also what you're seeing from your perspective. It would help the therapist be more effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is right. And if her skillset is in communications, PR, social media management/engagement, etc. then she is the right person for the job. She's putting her skills to use in the best way she knows how.

There are others who are experts in logistics and processing refugees; resettlement; computer hacking; and actual fighting. Your wife may not be able to contribute to those efforts at this time because she doesn't have the necessary expertise or network.

She's exhausted and sad....but I bet she's also feeling fulfilled in doing "her part."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is right. And if her skillset is in communications, PR, social media management/engagement, etc. then she is the right person for the job. She's putting her skills to use in the best way she knows how.

There are others who are experts in logistics and processing refugees; resettlement; computer hacking; and actual fighting. Your wife may not be able to contribute to those efforts at this time because she doesn't have the necessary expertise or network.

She's exhausted and sad....but I bet she's also feeling fulfilled in doing "her part."

+1

+2 If you are struggling, OP, therapy for yourself. You may just need someone to listen. Otherwise, just try to support her through this.

[Anonymous]

Is there anybody in your network who can step in with occasional laundry, dishes or bring a meal while she takes this on? Do you have money for some extra help? Why does she need to step up around the house and attend social gatherings? This is her mother country. If your mother was on her deathbed would your wife be expecting you to do those things?

[Anonymous]

OP, what’s your complaint? That your wife, who is doing what she can from here, is upset about what is happening in her ancestral homeland? Have you read some of the accounts? They are awful—kids being killed, mothers being gang-raped, etc. It’s insanely upsetting, especially for people who have ties to Ukraine and can picture their friends and even themselves in that situation. What do you want from your wife? To be immune to those realities? I’m truly confused. Sometimes life and the world are crappy. Have some empathy. At least she is using her skills to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what’s your complaint? That your wife, who is doing what she can from here, is upset about what is happening in her ancestral homeland? Have you read some of the accounts? They are awful—kids being killed, mothers being gang-raped, etc. It’s insanely upsetting, especially for people who have ties to Ukraine and can picture their friends and even themselves in that situation. What do you want from your wife? To be immune to those realities? I’m truly confused. Sometimes life and the world are crappy. Have some empathy. At least she is using her skills to help.

Unless the wife is able to convince Putin personally to stop, she's nobody and combating misinformation is just a distraction. She chose to have children with OP and needs to pull her weight at home. It's not fair to him to have to pick up the pieces. I'm a woman FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

[Anonymous]

It’s only been a month, op.
I’m not a fan of your language “stepping up” and bare minimum” and I say this as no fan of volunteering either, I’ve seen way too much of volunteers who ignore their families for the sake of whatever they’re doing. I’m wondering if this is the first time you’ve seen your wife care about anything other then you.. but then I’m not a fan of the men I’ve known who have married Eastern European women, they’ve always bothered me, something in how they treat women that I can’t quite put my finger on.

Are you willing to go to therapy with her? It might be helpful for you to listen to her. If she’s got time and is going to therapy, there is no reason you can’t go with her, even take her to the appointments because the taking her means you’ll be alone with her coming and going and that means time to just be together and talk about well, anything. Sometimes it can be nice to have a partner just be in the car with you and wait for the therapy appointment to end, the fact that they care that much can do wonders. Have you thought about this?

You also need to have clear boundaries. I’m not one who says “grief takes as long as it takes and however the grieving person behaves is just fine” or “She’s doing good for the world so she can treat me however she needs to”.
If you want her to have dinner with you and the kids, tell her that. If you want her to come to bed at a certain time, tell her that.
My husband likes to stay up, and I’ve had to tell him “You will eat with the family, or at least with me, and you will come to bed with me.. if these are activities you no longer wish to do, that’s fine, we can end the marriage”. This isn’t a threat, it’s simply me stating how I wish to live and being willing to act on it.
You and your kids matter just as much as the people in Ukraine. You may be suffering less, but then life isn’t a pain Olympics.

Remind your wife that you all are a family. Let her know that if she wants you and the kids to care about Ukraine and her perspective, you all need to be a part of it if only to have her be present. Let her know that many parents have volunteered for organizations only to have their kids go “I don’t know what it is, all I know is my mom really cared about it, but she didn’t care enough to include me so I don’t really give a s***”.

My dad made that very comment about an organization my granddad really cared about. He said is “All I know is my dad was really involved, and to this day I don’t know what he did, how he did it, or why he did it, all I know is my mom, brother and I weren’t welcome to join him, and to this day, I’ve got absolutely no interest in that organization.. I’m glad my dad it, but I sure saw no benefit”.
When my dad was old enough to volunteer, and he does indeed volunteer, he’s stayed away from anything to do with the organization his dad cared so deeply about.

You don’t want your kids to take away that message. Your wife doesn’t want her kids to take way that message either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

This. Support her as much as you can, materially and with your time and effort, not just telling her to slow down and go to therapy. The idea that all problems are emotional problems and we just need medication or coping skills is so harmful. Your wife being a mess is the symptom of a much bigger external problem, not the disease.