My Wife Has Been a Mess for the Past Month

[Anonymous]

OP, please thank your wife for me. She is doing amazing work. Even if she doesn’t feel it now, it will add up.

[Anonymous]

Guys, does everyone not realize this is the same troll who posts on every topic forum and capitalizes every word in the subject line? It’s always a well off man talking about some non problem with his wife, or the thread about the traditional wife who is wondering why more women don’t want that type of lifestyle. Also has another thread going in the money and finance forum about “a husband who quit his job in finance to do something more fulfilling and how to cope now they don’t have money for date nights.” Does no one else recognize the same tone from this guy? (And I’m sure it’s a guy behind all these posts)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Not a troll. My mom had a fast aggressive cancer and died relatively quickly at a fairly young age (60.) It was such a terrible and sad and upsetting time for my family. My husband was amazing and did so many things to support me. AND I still managed to care for my kids, feed them, get some laundry done, etc. This idea that being terribly upset about something precludes you from doing anything else is hogwash.

Obviously, an amazing man not willing to take care of his own children or do laundry. What did he do? Cheer you from the sofa while watching football and drinking beer?

He did laundry and childcare but I did too. I didn’t just let him do 100% of everything for weeks on end! It’s not fair to OP. His wife is taking advantage because she’d rather be online than caring for the family.

[Anonymous]

WTFH OP?!? It’s been a month. Her homeland has been invaded. This is traumatic and horrific. You and your children can be proud of her for doing the right thing, doing what she is capable of doing.

Imagine if you were part of the resistance to the Nazis. Your wife has special skills that could help the Allies or hurt Hitler. The war is ongoing. Would you expect her to do as much mothering and socializing?!!!!? I hope not.

This is the urgency your wife feels, for good reason. History will be kind to those who sacrifice so much to defeate Russia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Not a troll. My mom had a fast aggressive cancer and died relatively quickly at a fairly young age (60.) It was such a terrible and sad and upsetting time for my family. My husband was amazing and did so many things to support me. AND I still managed to care for my kids, feed them, get some laundry done, etc. This idea that being terribly upset about something precludes you from doing anything else is hogwash.

Obviously, an amazing man not willing to take care of his own children or do laundry. What did he do? Cheer you from the sofa while watching football and drinking beer?

He did laundry and childcare but I did too. I didn’t just let him do 100% of everything for weeks on end! It’s not fair to OP. His wife is taking advantage because she’d rather be online than caring for the family.

Yeah, his wife is playing video games online while poor OP suffers.
Grow a brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what narrative does she believe the US Media Military Intelligence Complex is missing?

OP. I’m not looking to get into debates as it’s not why I started the thread, but there is a lot of commentary that US is doing all it can without directly entering war, while also exaggerating Ukrainian successes. The truth is that all requests for the kind of military aid that could end the war have been systematically rejected and Ukraine is losing. There’s no chance for victory unless policy changes significantly.

There are a lot of other pieces of misinformation floating around (exaggerated claims about Nazis, claims that most Russians don’t support Putin, that Ukraine wasn’t a country before 1989), but the military aid is something even reasonable Americans don’t often realize so she spends a good bit of time on that.

She also works on humanitarian aid, evacuations, general first-person account from Ukrainian youth, organizing community groups to write to representatives, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Not a troll. My mom had a fast aggressive cancer and died relatively quickly at a fairly young age (60.) It was such a terrible and sad and upsetting time for my family. My husband was amazing and did so many things to support me. AND I still managed to care for my kids, feed them, get some laundry done, etc. This idea that being terribly upset about something precludes you from doing anything else is hogwash.

OP. As I mentioned in the initial post, my wife has gotten back to more of a normal routine, she is doing laundry, cooking, etc. The issue I was worried about was her constant misery. If you have advice for how to help with that, I’m all ears. From other posts it sounds like the only thing to do is wait and be emotionally supportive for a while longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what’s your complaint? That your wife, who is doing what she can from here, is upset about what is happening in her ancestral homeland? Have you read some of the accounts? They are awful—kids being killed, mothers being gang-raped, etc. It’s insanely upsetting, especially for people who have ties to Ukraine and can picture their friends and even themselves in that situation. What do you want from your wife? To be immune to those realities? I’m truly confused. Sometimes life and the world are crappy. Have some empathy. At least she is using her skills to help.

Unless the wife is able to convince Putin personally to stop, she's nobody and combating misinformation is just a distraction. She chose to have children with OP and needs to pull her weight at home. It's not fair to him to have to pick up the pieces. I'm a woman FWIW.

'

NP. If enough people say "I'm nobody, I can't get [whatever evil] to stop," then there is truly "nobody" making any effort to do...anything.

She IS achieving something. From what OP posted, she has helped get some Ukranians in front of media. Every one of those interview spots might help somehow. You, PP, cannot guarantee that this work has done nothing at all to help. And it's a huge exaggeration to write as if the only real benefit would be if she were "able to convince Putin personally to stop." What nonsensical hyperbole to make your supposed point. You know that's not the sole thing it will take to move the needle. Saying that a grotesque war in her homeland, leaving dozens of bodies in the streets (do you read the day's news, PP? That's today's latest) is merely a "distraction" from "pulling her weight at home" is sickening.

To OP: Why is there Why does it matter to you at ALL that some of her so-called "friends" are becoming irked with her? This is not a sudden devotion to selling the latest multi-level marketing scammy product. This is not ditching her kids to spend all her time at the gym getting buff. This is something her own children will ask her about in years to come: "Mom, what did you do when the Russians invaded Ukraine?" I figure your wife does not want to have to answer, "Well, I needed to do the school pickups so I let other people worry about the war."

OP, it has been ONE MONTH. My spouse manages an employee who is from Ukraine, and the employee has been very distraught, taking days off work to try to reach relatives there at all hours, spending his personal time on fundraising and other drives, working with the Ukranian community here. Your wife's reaction of helping as best she can is not some weird, isolated, obsessive reaction -- it is what other Ukranians here are doing, as well. You seem to think it's dilettante volunteering. It's using her abilities in a short-term emergency. If you can't handle your kids short-term without disdain for what she's trying to do -- enlist help from relatives or friends, whatever, but be grateful you have a wife, and your kids have a mother, who gives a damn beyond just "thoughts and prayers."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Not a troll. My mom had a fast aggressive cancer and died relatively quickly at a fairly young age (60.) It was such a terrible and sad and upsetting time for my family. My husband was amazing and did so many things to support me. AND I still managed to care for my kids, feed them, get some laundry done, etc. This idea that being terribly upset about something precludes you from doing anything else is hogwash.

Obviously, an amazing man not willing to take care of his own children or do laundry. What did he do? Cheer you from the sofa while watching football and drinking beer?

He did laundry and childcare but I did too. I didn’t just let him do 100% of everything for weeks on end! It’s not fair to OP. His wife is taking advantage because she’d rather be online than caring for the family.

DP. Yes, I'm sure OP's wife is simply using a bloody war as a pretext for avoiding her own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Not a troll. My mom had a fast aggressive cancer and died relatively quickly at a fairly young age (60.) It was such a terrible and sad and upsetting time for my family. My husband was amazing and did so many things to support me. AND I still managed to care for my kids, feed them, get some laundry done, etc. This idea that being terribly upset about something precludes you from doing anything else is hogwash.

Obviously, an amazing man not willing to take care of his own children or do laundry. What did he do? Cheer you from the sofa while watching football and drinking beer?

He did laundry and childcare but I did too. I didn’t just let him do 100% of everything for weeks on end! It’s not fair to OP. His wife is taking advantage because she’d rather be online than caring for the family.

The pro-Putin posters are not subtle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what narrative does she believe the US Media Military Intelligence Complex is missing?

OP. I’m not looking to get into debates as it’s not why I started the thread, but there is a lot of commentary that US is doing all it can without directly entering war, while also exaggerating Ukrainian successes. The truth is that all requests for the kind of military aid that could end the war have been systematically rejected and Ukraine is losing. There’s no chance for victory unless policy changes significantly.

There are a lot of other pieces of misinformation floating around (exaggerated claims about Nazis, claims that most Russians don’t support Putin, that Ukraine wasn’t a country before 1989), but the military aid is something even reasonable Americans don’t often realize so she spends a good bit of time on that.

She also works on humanitarian aid, evacuations, general first-person account from Ukrainian youth, organizing community groups to write to representatives, etc.

Whoever believes that most Russians don’t support Putin are naive and stupid. I am not Russian, but I am a native Russian speaker and from what I can see, 99% of Russians in and outside of Russia support this war.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what narrative does she believe the US Media Military Intelligence Complex is missing?

OP. I’m not looking to get into debates as it’s not why I started the thread, but there is a lot of commentary that US is doing all it can without directly entering war, while also exaggerating Ukrainian successes. The truth is that all requests for the kind of military aid that could end the war have been systematically rejected and Ukraine is losing. There’s no chance for victory unless policy changes significantly.

There are a lot of other pieces of misinformation floating around (exaggerated claims about Nazis, claims that most Russians don’t support Putin, that Ukraine wasn’t a country before 1989), but the military aid is something even reasonable Americans don’t often realize so she spends a good bit of time on that.

She also works on humanitarian aid, evacuations, general first-person account from Ukrainian youth, organizing community groups to write to representatives, etc.

Whoever believes that most Russians don’t support Putin are naive and stupid. I am not Russian, but I am a native Russian speaker and from what I can see, 99% of Russians in and outside of Russia support this war.

You need glasses. I'm from a neighboring country and nobody supports the war. Nobody.