My Wife Has Been a Mess for the Past Month

[Anonymous]

She doesn't need to change her topic.

But she needs to change her mindset.

Fighting misinformation is fighting Scylla and Charybdis. it never ends. Others that have gone before know this. You fight as much as you can for a set number of hours, and you log off for the day, knowing you've convinced a few people. This is how I approach it. I've had to fight Covid disinformation since the beginning of the pandemic. I know how exhausting it can be.

Disinformation is like a virus. Every person contaminates 10 more. So if she reaches one person per day, that's 10 people she's saved from infection!

You need to talk her through this. There are so few good therapists, OP. A good one would be ideal, but the suggestion to consult one is facile and useless, because they are so few and far between.

[Anonymous]

What is happening to your wife’s home country, and the continued active destruction of it, is devastating. There is a deep fear and grief that your wife is trying to change into something constructive. But just changing the activity won’t make the fear and grief subside. That will take time. Therapy will help, but it has only been a month so your expectations are incredibly unrealistic. You might benefit from a therapist of your own to help you cope with supporting your wife right now. Remember the ring theory - you are in an out ring relative to her, so you need to offer support inward to her and dump outside to someone else.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in?amp

And for godsake, stop gossiping with her friend about how sick you are of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what’s your complaint? That your wife, who is doing what she can from here, is upset about what is happening in her ancestral homeland? Have you read some of the accounts? They are awful—kids being killed, mothers being gang-raped, etc. It’s insanely upsetting, especially for people who have ties to Ukraine and can picture their friends and even themselves in that situation. What do you want from your wife? To be immune to those realities? I’m truly confused. Sometimes life and the world are crappy. Have some empathy. At least she is using her skills to help.

Unless the wife is able to convince Putin personally to stop, she's nobody and combating misinformation is just a distraction. She chose to have children with OP and needs to pull her weight at home. It's not fair to him to have to pick up the pieces. I'm a woman FWIW.

Wow, that was quite the sociopathic response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She doesn't need to change her topic.

But she needs to change her mindset.

Fighting misinformation is fighting Scylla and Charybdis. it never ends. Others that have gone before know this. You fight as much as you can for a set number of hours, and you log off for the day, knowing you've convinced a few people. This is how I approach it. I've had to fight Covid disinformation since the beginning of the pandemic. I know how exhausting it can be.

Disinformation is like a virus. Every person contaminates 10 more. So if she reaches one person per day, that's 10 people she's saved from infection!

You need to talk her through this. There are so few good therapists, OP. A good one would be ideal, but the suggestion to consult one is facile and useless, because they are so few and far between.

That's not remotely correct. It sounds like OP's wife is connecting Ukrainian sources with media and getting their voices in print and on air. That is tremendously important and basically the only way to get information to people. There are whole academic institutions devoted to combating disinformation. It's hard but valuable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is right. And if her skillset is in communications, PR, social media management/engagement, etc. then she is the right person for the job. She's putting her skills to use in the best way she knows how.

There are others who are experts in logistics and processing refugees; resettlement; computer hacking; and actual fighting. Your wife may not be able to contribute to those efforts at this time because she doesn't have the necessary expertise or network.

She's exhausted and sad....but I bet she's also feeling fulfilled in doing "her part."

+1

+1. And, as someone who lived through a war - there’s a lot of trauma and PTSD and feelings of guilt and why did I survive or escape or get lucky enough to marry or emigrate when Relative X is there, etc.?

The worst thing you can do is tell/demand she stop. Encourage her to get therapy, not because she is behaving abnormally but because she is a normal person facing an abnormal situation. Encourage her to take care of herself not because she’s doing something wrong by volunteering but because she can help best when she keeps her own oxygen mask on. Also help her see that to be truly victorious, we cannot let the oppressor steal our joy. The biggest thing I learned in the war zone is to look for the light - there is always light even in so much darkness. Sharing joy, being kind, helping, laughing (even black humor), experiencing pleasure - this is the light.

This time is the most horrific for Ukrainians, but also possibly the most transformative and unifying. Frankly, you and your kids should be helping and learning also. And you should be socializing with new friends she is making through volunteering and teaching your kids Ukrainian history and language.

FWIW, I found myself forever changed by my experience. After living through a conflict, it is hard to be friends with people who lack understanding. I think my head nearly exploded the other day when my own brother repeated some Russian disinformation about the Ukrainian “coup” and how we threatened Russia with NATO. It is hard to hear ignorant people repeating such nonsense. It is also hard, frankly, to spend an evening talking about the new home renovation or next vacation when you know people’s homes are being blown up and many are fleeing the country seeking refuge. War has a way of reordering one’s priorities. After the war, I found it hard to tolerate much of the socializing I was forced to do as a parent or spouse. I really don’t care if Larlo made travel soccer or whether your boss or coworkers like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what’s your complaint? That your wife, who is doing what she can from here, is upset about what is happening in her ancestral homeland? Have you read some of the accounts? They are awful—kids being killed, mothers being gang-raped, etc. It’s insanely upsetting, especially for people who have ties to Ukraine and can picture their friends and even themselves in that situation. What do you want from your wife? To be immune to those realities? I’m truly confused. Sometimes life and the world are crappy. Have some empathy. At least she is using her skills to help.

Unless the wife is able to convince Putin personally to stop, she's nobody and combating misinformation is just a distraction. She chose to have children with OP and needs to pull her weight at home. It's not fair to him to have to pick up the pieces. I'm a woman FWIW.

If OP's wife was just really, really, really upset about the war in Ukraine, the suggestion would be that she should "do something" with those feelings so that she felt she was helping. She's doing that, but because the situation is still really, really, really upsetting, she is still just as upset. It's been a month, so it's taking its toll on her morale. OP being concerned about his wife is an indication that the situation is serious, but what is happening in Ukraine is serious and real, more real for OP's wife than a lot of people, and I don't think her reaction is unreasonable.

OP, have you asked your wife what would help HER? Not what would help you or your kids or her friends. If your concern is about her, have you asked her what you can do to support her?

[Anonymous]

Marriage is a partnership, where one person sometimes supports the other, and the other way around. Right now, you need to support her and her efforts to protect her homeland. This is a war, where one country invaded another. Does she still have family or friends there?

My husband has family in another, far away country. There have been times when things have gone on in that country (not a war thank god) and he has been worried about them. I supported him and would have done so no matter how long it took. Just like I know he would support me if I had to help my family or ancestors for any length of time.

It is good she is seeing a therapist but you cannot expect results immediately. She needs an outlet other than you, you can help by encouraging self-care and breaks. And if her friends are "tiring" of her, I hope she finds new friends. Good grief. I'll be her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what’s your complaint? That your wife, who is doing what she can from here, is upset about what is happening in her ancestral homeland? Have you read some of the accounts? They are awful—kids being killed, mothers being gang-raped, etc. It’s insanely upsetting, especially for people who have ties to Ukraine and can picture their friends and even themselves in that situation. What do you want from your wife? To be immune to those realities? I’m truly confused. Sometimes life and the world are crappy. Have some empathy. At least she is using her skills to help.

Unless the wife is able to convince Putin personally to stop, she's nobody and combating misinformation is just a distraction. She chose to have children with OP and needs to pull her weight at home. It's not fair to him to have to pick up the pieces. I'm a woman FWIW.

Wow, that was quite the sociopathic response.

The real sociopath is the person who neglects their spouse and home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what’s your complaint? That your wife, who is doing what she can from here, is upset about what is happening in her ancestral homeland? Have you read some of the accounts? They are awful—kids being killed, mothers being gang-raped, etc. It’s insanely upsetting, especially for people who have ties to Ukraine and can picture their friends and even themselves in that situation. What do you want from your wife? To be immune to those realities? I’m truly confused. Sometimes life and the world are crappy. Have some empathy. At least she is using her skills to help.

Unless the wife is able to convince Putin personally to stop, she's nobody and combating misinformation is just a distraction. She chose to have children with OP and needs to pull her weight at home. It's not fair to him to have to pick up the pieces. I'm a woman FWIW.

Wow, that was quite the sociopathic response.

The real sociopath is the person who neglects their spouse and home.

You are a loon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what’s your complaint? That your wife, who is doing what she can from here, is upset about what is happening in her ancestral homeland? Have you read some of the accounts? They are awful—kids being killed, mothers being gang-raped, etc. It’s insanely upsetting, especially for people who have ties to Ukraine and can picture their friends and even themselves in that situation. What do you want from your wife? To be immune to those realities? I’m truly confused. Sometimes life and the world are crappy. Have some empathy. At least she is using her skills to help.

Unless the wife is able to convince Putin personally to stop, she's nobody and combating misinformation is just a distraction. She chose to have children with OP and needs to pull her weight at home. It's not fair to him to have to pick up the pieces. I'm a woman FWIW.

Wow, that was quite the sociopathic response.

The real sociopath is the person who neglects their spouse and home.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

"Social gatherings?" Oh, FFS. Be a better husband.

[Anonymous]

OP - This is an opportunity for you to model community and family for your children.

She is stepping up to help people dealing with enormous devastation and trauma, some of whom are her family and friends. It also means that it's your kids' family.

In turn, you and the kids need to step up for her. That's what families do.

[Anonymous]

Outsource, if you have any spare money throw it at babysitters, take out, and cleaning ladies.

[Anonymous]

I'm from a neighboring country and I cried myself to sleep for weeks. My heart breaks for your wife.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you tell her that you’re proud of her.