My Wife Has Been a Mess for the Past Month

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what’s your complaint? That your wife, who is doing what she can from here, is upset about what is happening in her ancestral homeland? Have you read some of the accounts? They are awful—kids being killed, mothers being gang-raped, etc. It’s insanely upsetting, especially for people who have ties to Ukraine and can picture their friends and even themselves in that situation. What do you want from your wife? To be immune to those realities? I’m truly confused. Sometimes life and the world are crappy. Have some empathy. At least she is using her skills to help.

Unless the wife is able to convince Putin personally to stop, she's nobody and combating misinformation is just a distraction. She chose to have children with OP and needs to pull her weight at home. It's not fair to him to have to pick up the pieces. I'm a woman FWIW.

Wow, that was quite the sociopathic response.

The real sociopath is the person who neglects their spouse and home.

I like how the PP puts the spouse first and the kids are not even on the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Oh well. She has a crappy husband. Hopefully she leaves him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is Ukrainian and she has been in a bad place since the war started. She has been volunteering nonstop with some Ukrainian groups here in the US. For the first few weeks it was all she did. Literally, we didn't have a single minute together. She did the bare minimum with the kids and then was on her laptop until collapsing into bed.

About two weeks ago, she listened to me and others telling her to take care of herself. She started eating and sleeping better and working less. She spends time with the kids and I, has stepped up more around the house, and agreed to a couple of social gatherings. However, it's like she's mentally not there.

The work she is doing is draining and demoralizing. Basically, she is trying to combat misinformation in the US media about the war. She has had some success bringing voices from Ukraine to national media, but for every media appearance she organizes there are many others pushing misinformation. Honestly, she and her fellow volunteers do not have nearly enough power to solve such a big problem.

I have suggested she help with something easier and more rewarding, but she says fighting this misinformation is the only way to end the war - helping kids or refugees does not. I agree with her, but again, I don't think it's a fight she's equipped to win. A group of volunteers can't change an entire nationwide narrative, right?

I hate seeing her so hollow and depressed, it's wearing on me too, and I don't know how this ends short of the war ending. Her friends are growing tired of her behavior too.

She has started seeing a therapist, but it isn't helping.

I suggest she get new friends who are more supportive and have more empathy. No comments on her husband’s ‘behavior’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Frankly I’m not convinced they didn’t start the thread in the first place. Countering disinformation is well and good but won’t someone think of the real victim: a man who has to do laundry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Frankly I’m not convinced they didn’t start the thread in the first place. Countering disinformation is well and good but won’t someone think of the real victim: a man who has to do laundry?

Seriously, I hope this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

There will be times in every marriage when one spouse has to do more than their fair share. Perhaps for a long time. Life happens and we need to be there for each other during the bad times.

It doesn’t matter what OP’s wife should be doing, what matters is what she is capable of. OP I don’t think you are going to help out your situation at all if you say she should be doing something different. In fact I think she’ll be able to recover better if she knows she has a supportive husband to be there for her.

[Anonymous]

You sound like an asshole, OP. It’s been 5 weeks. All you are worried about is her taking care of the kids and cleaning the house. Your poor wife.

[Anonymous]

All you can do is support her. She needs to do this. This is the time in your marriage when you put your big boy pants on and do what you need to do to take care of your kids, house, bills, etc. If you do not support her in this, she will resent you forever.

Singed,

A survivor of war

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone for the honest feedback. I understand now that I been too focused on trying to "fix" my wife's pain, but unfortunately, it is not something that can be fixed. And that she needs both practical and emotional support, especially because the work can feel thankless.


I get it, and I will try to do better. And thank you also to the poster who explained the ring theory of support, it really helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Frankly I’m not convinced they didn’t start the thread in the first place. Countering disinformation is well and good but won’t someone think of the real victim: a man who has to do laundry?

I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Not a troll. My mom had a fast aggressive cancer and died relatively quickly at a fairly young age (60.) It was such a terrible and sad and upsetting time for my family. My husband was amazing and did so many things to support me. AND I still managed to care for my kids, feed them, get some laundry done, etc. This idea that being terribly upset about something precludes you from doing anything else is hogwash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Not a troll. My mom had a fast aggressive cancer and died relatively quickly at a fairly young age (60.) It was such a terrible and sad and upsetting time for my family. My husband was amazing and did so many things to support me. AND I still managed to care for my kids, feed them, get some laundry done, etc. This idea that being terribly upset about something precludes you from doing anything else is hogwash.

For you, maybe. You have no authority to speak for anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.

Aaaand the Russian trolls have arrived. maybe op’s wife was making a difference after all…

Not a troll. My mom had a fast aggressive cancer and died relatively quickly at a fairly young age (60.) It was such a terrible and sad and upsetting time for my family. My husband was amazing and did so many things to support me. AND I still managed to care for my kids, feed them, get some laundry done, etc. This idea that being terribly upset about something precludes you from doing anything else is hogwash.

Obviously, an amazing man not willing to take care of his own children or do laundry. What did he do? Cheer you from the sofa while watching football and drinking beer?

[Anonymous]

OP, what narrative does she believe the US Media Military Intelligence Complex is missing?