My Wife Has Been a Mess for the Past Month

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

Another +1 to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

Repeat after me, OP: “I love you. How can I help?”

She needs to be sleeping, eating, and letting your children know she loves them. Housework and socializing are not priorities. Figure out what she can do to be present for family time - dinner 4 nights a week, maybe? And then figure out how to handle the rest. Outsource if you can. Maybe friends you care about both of you can do a weekly meal train to help your family through this crisis. But things are fundamentally different in your family because things are fundamentally different in the world. This is like so many traumas or catastrophic events. You’re never going back to normal. When the crisis is done, there will be a “new normal.” But this is still very much a crisis and your wife is doing amazing work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

Its a month. Thats nothing. Ive had dh deploy on short notice before and that was a lot longer and I WOH full time. Spouse steps up and makes sure kids are fed and have clean clothes. Its not hard. This is a devastating conflict and i feel for OPs wife. Good for her for using her skills to try and do something really hard. If not for them that work wouldn't get done. People in poland and germany have dropped their work and families for a short while to help refugees. I have friends all across the country who flew over to help at the border. We all do what we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Repeat after me, OP: “I love you. How can I help?”

She needs to be sleeping, eating, and letting your children know she loves them. Housework and socializing are not priorities. Figure out what she can do to be present for family time - dinner 4 nights a week, maybe? And then figure out how to handle the rest. Outsource if you can. Maybe friends you care about both of you can do a weekly meal train to help your family through this crisis. But things are fundamentally different in your family because things are fundamentally different in the world. This is like so many traumas or catastrophic events. You’re never going back to normal. When the crisis is done, there will be a “new normal.” But this is still very much a crisis and your wife is doing amazing work.

This.

[Anonymous]

I am American, I don't work in any field related to this tragedy, and have been upset for the past month, as well. I am reading the news and praying for peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

Its a month. Thats nothing. Ive had dh deploy on short notice before and that was a lot longer and I WOH full time. Spouse steps up and makes sure kids are fed and have clean clothes. Its not hard. This is a devastating conflict and i feel for OPs wife. Good for her for using her skills to try and do something really hard. If not for them that work wouldn't get done. People in poland and germany have dropped their work and families for a short while to help refugees. I have friends all across the country who flew over to help at the border. We all do what we can.

Omg yes. I feel so much for OP’s wife. Amazing she’s trying to help in her own way and bravo to her for going to therapy. That’s pretty remarkable. A month is nothing, the atrocities go on every day. Of course she’s struggling. Please support her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is Ukrainian and she has been in a bad place since the war started. She has been volunteering nonstop with some Ukrainian groups here in the US. For the first few weeks it was all she did. Literally, we didn't have a single minute together. She did the bare minimum with the kids and then was on her laptop until collapsing into bed.

About two weeks ago, she listened to me and others telling her to take care of herself. She started eating and sleeping better and working less. She spends time with the kids and I, has stepped up more around the house, and agreed to a couple of social gatherings. However, it's like she's mentally not there.

The work she is doing is draining and demoralizing. Basically, she is trying to combat misinformation in the US media about the war. She has had some success bringing voices from Ukraine to national media, but for every media appearance she organizes there are many others pushing misinformation. Honestly, she and her fellow volunteers do not have nearly enough power to solve such a big problem.

I have suggested she help with something easier and more rewarding, but she says fighting this misinformation is the only way to end the war - helping kids or refugees does not. I agree with her, but again, I don't think it's a fight she's equipped to win. A group of volunteers can't change an entire nationwide narrative, right?

I hate seeing her so hollow and depressed, it's wearing on me too, and I don't know how this ends short of the war ending. Her friends are growing tired of her behavior too.

She has started seeing a therapist, but it isn't helping.

Social gatherings? WTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She doesn't need to change her topic.

But she needs to change her mindset.

Fighting misinformation is fighting Scylla and Charybdis. it never ends. Others that have gone before know this. You fight as much as you can for a set number of hours, and you log off for the day, knowing you've convinced a few people. This is how I approach it. I've had to fight Covid disinformation since the beginning of the pandemic. I know how exhausting it can be.

Disinformation is like a virus. Every person contaminates 10 more. So if she reaches one person per day, that's 10 people she's saved from infection!

You need to talk her through this. There are so few good therapists, OP. A good one would be ideal, but the suggestion to consult one is facile and useless, because they are so few and far between.

That's not remotely correct. It sounds like OP's wife is connecting Ukrainian sources with media and getting their voices in print and on air. That is tremendously important and basically the only way to get information to people. There are whole academic institutions devoted to combating disinformation. It's hard but valuable!

It looks like you're agreeing with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If his wife was ill, it would fall to OP, or perhaps a better example is if OP was ill it would fall to his wife and no one would harp on him that she couldn’t *do laundry* indefinitely. The violent overthrow of one’s home country certainly deserves the level of accommodation one would give someone with COVID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is right. And if her skillset is in communications, PR, social media management/engagement, etc. then she is the right person for the job. She's putting her skills to use in the best way she knows how.

There are others who are experts in logistics and processing refugees; resettlement; computer hacking; and actual fighting. Your wife may not be able to contribute to those efforts at this time because she doesn't have the necessary expertise or network.

She's exhausted and sad....but I bet she's also feeling fulfilled in doing "her part."

+1

This. News media organizations actually need fully fluent Ukrainian and English speakers. A lot of the Ukrainian interviewees they bring on are broken English speakers. Tell her to reach out to journalists on social media to get her story out there and maybe even offer live translation services in the interim.

She’s right that fighting the misinformation campaign is a powerful tool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is Ukrainian and she has been in a bad place since the war started. She has been volunteering nonstop with some Ukrainian groups here in the US. For the first few weeks it was all she did. Literally, we didn't have a single minute together. She did the bare minimum with the kids and then was on her laptop until collapsing into bed.

About two weeks ago, she listened to me and others telling her to take care of herself. She started eating and sleeping better and working less. She spends time with the kids and I, has stepped up more around the house, and agreed to a couple of social gatherings. However, it's like she's mentally not there.

The work she is doing is draining and demoralizing. Basically, she is trying to combat misinformation in the US media about the war. She has had some success bringing voices from Ukraine to national media, but for every media appearance she organizes there are many others pushing misinformation. Honestly, she and her fellow volunteers do not have nearly enough power to solve such a big problem.

I have suggested she help with something easier and more rewarding, but she says fighting this misinformation is the only way to end the war - helping kids or refugees does not. I agree with her, but again, I don't think it's a fight she's equipped to win. A group of volunteers can't change an entire nationwide narrative, right?

I hate seeing her so hollow and depressed, it's wearing on me too, and I don't know how this ends short of the war ending. Her friends are growing tired of her behavior too.

She has started seeing a therapist, but it isn't helping.

Social gatherings? WTF

Yeah that stood out to me too. How is it necessary for her to be going to social gatherings right now? I really really hope you mean coffee with one of her supportive friends and not a work event for you.

[Anonymous]

You sound selfish and spoiled op: “Why can’t my wife just stop being sad about the war in her homeland?” Grow up. Get over yourself. Step up for your kids and be proud of your wife while witnessing her sorrow. You think quitting volunteering will somehow make her forget what’s going on? Then she will be all alone with her despair to eat her alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I sometimes wonder if our society ever allows someone to just be sad and upset. What's happening in Ukraine is awful. Isn't it OK and perfectly understandable for your wife to be a mess? Can't you just let her be?

NP here - of course, but the kids still have to eat and the clothes still need to be washed. Not saying this all falls to the wife but it shouldn’t all fall to OP either. Maybe for a week or two okay, but not indefinitely.

If only they had two parents — oh, wait! They do!
If only they could hire some temporary help if they needed it — oh, wait! They can!

Disagree. Her family comes first, even before her country. She sounds like a petulant child.