Reply to My Wife Has Been a Mess for the Past Month

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[quote=Anonymous]	It’s only been a month, op. 
I’m not a fan of your language “stepping up” and bare minimum” and I say this as no fan of volunteering either, I’ve seen way too much of volunteers who ignore their families for the sake of whatever they’re doing. I’m wondering if this is the first time you’ve seen your wife care about anything other then you.. but then I’m not a fan of the men I’ve known who have married Eastern European women, they’ve always bothered me, something in how they treat women that I can’t quite put my finger on.

Are you willing to go to therapy with her? It might be helpful for you to listen to her.  If she’s got time and is going to therapy, there is no reason you can’t go with her, even take her to the appointments because the taking her means you’ll be alone with her coming and going and that means time to just be together and talk about well, anything. Sometimes it can be nice to have a partner just be in the car with you and wait for the therapy appointment to end, the fact that they care that much can do wonders. Have you thought about this?

You also need to have clear boundaries. I’m not one who says “grief takes as long as it takes and however the grieving person behaves is just fine” or “She’s doing good for the world so she can treat me however she needs to”. 
If you want her to have dinner with you and the kids, tell her that. If you want her to come to bed at a certain time, tell her that. 
My husband likes to stay up, and I’ve had to tell him “You will eat with the family, or at least with me, and you will come to bed with me.. if these are activities you no longer wish to do, that’s fine, we can end the marriage”. This isn’t a threat, it’s simply me stating how I wish to live and being willing to act on it. 
You and your kids matter just as much as the people in Ukraine. You may be suffering less, but then life isn’t a pain Olympics.

Remind your wife that you all are a family. Let her know that if she wants you and the kids to care about Ukraine and her perspective, you all need to be a part of it if only to have her be present. Let her know that many parents have volunteered for organizations only to have their kids go “I don’t know what it is, all I know is my mom really cared about it, but she didn’t care enough to include me so I don’t really give a s***”.

My dad made that very  comment about an organization my granddad really cared about. He said is “All I know is my dad was really involved, and to this day I don’t know what he did, how he did it, or why  he did it, all I know is my mom, brother and I weren’t welcome to join him, and to this day, I’ve got absolutely no interest in that organization.. I’m glad my dad it, but I sure saw no benefit”. 
When my dad was old enough to volunteer, and he does indeed volunteer, he’s stayed away from anything to do with the organization his dad cared so deeply about.

You don’t want your kids to take away that message. Your wife doesn’t want her kids to take way that message either. 
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