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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We are still together. [/b]I don't know all the details and I don't want to. Maybe I am in a bit of denial[b] but my life is comfortable and I don't want to blow it up. Nothing excuses his cheating but I recognize my role in turning away from him as well. Perhaps I will feel differently, good or bad, when time goes on.

I confided in one friend and she was going through the same. Infidelity is unfortunately common. You are the only one who has to live your life, so do what's right for you and your family, not what others think you should do.[/quote]

I had to know everything and then even more.  My spouse had already ended the affair and was glad to unburden after the guilt and stress from it.  He answered pretty much any thing I asked against the advice of his individual therapist.  And that wasn’t enough I had to do my own research and talk to woman, etc.  I wanted no secrets.  I wanted to know how they were able to so successfully lie and get away with it from both their spouses.  I wanted everything.

It was rough and I probably have created more mental images and mind movies that weren’t even there.  My spouse says I made it out in my mind to be much more elaborate and hotter than reality.  It was a NSA.  They went long periods without seeing one another.

I doubt I’ll get over it and we had a very happy family and great sex life.

OP, like you it’s opened my eyes.  I question everything from the past 25 years.  I look at past behavior and wonder why I put up with some things and then get mad at myself.

He’s done (and doing) the work and really has changed—actions, behavior, involvement, etc.  But, I don’t trust it.  All the therapists sing his praises and commend him on how hard he’s worked and changed, but I constantly wait for the other shoe to drop and think: you idiots. He has you fooled.  This isn’t permanent.  I am still tormented by it every single day.  Yes, a lot probably has to do with finding out the nitty gritty—but I didn’t want him to have secrets with someone else.  I tore the windows open.

Every time we are extremely happy, a day later I spiral down.  It’s like I’m too afraid to ever let go again.  I’m on high alert.  I’m happy with our life, but I don’t know if I can live like this or it it will really get better like therapists swear-in 5 years, etc.

I’m afraid to blow up a really happy family and future over the uncertainty.  I like my life and what we created with two wonderfully happy and well-adjusted, brilliant kids.  It’s a happy home.
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It's the sheer terror of giving back the trust and faith to some one with the thought of how devastating it would be to find out they did it again.  You now know the pain and devastation and trauma firsthand and NEVER ever want to go through that again.[/quote]

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