Reply to Affair recovery and staying together?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.[/quote]

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe. [/quote]

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us. [/quote]

WOW. I have compassion for my spouse's childhood trauma (abuse, neglect alcoholism, cheating)  AND I have zero tolerance for cheating/infidelity.  You can possess both.

My husband has been in weekly individual therapy to address that trauma and learn coping skills and ways of dealing with it that don't involve cheating/sex.

I could never look the other way and I would never feel safe having sex with my husband if I knew he were non-monogamous.  But, I guess everyone is different.

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