I’m an emotional wreck and need reassurance.

[Anonymous]

I posted about my uncaring brothers and elderly mom who took a sudden turn and now needs private care at her assisted living apt. I did get the POA giving me control of her finances and healthcare. My brothers have no idea. Every time I talk with them about liquidating her home that now sits empty they go nuts! I found out one brother has plans to move into it. I guess he’s thinking he’ll rent out his smaller home. Meanwhile my other brother is driving her vehicle around valued at about 30k. I asked for the title to the car to sell and go towards her care and they are telling me things like, “ probably won’t get much for it so no point in selling”. House and car are in her name only and total less than 10% of her assets and could pay for her care for about 9 yrs.

They are fighting me on liquidating any of her assets to go towards her care! I now know I can legally do whatever I want to give my mom the best care she deserves with HER MONEY. I just feel horrible it’s come to this and I know my brothers are going to go nuts when they find out I am her POA and legally they have zero say now. I’m sick to my stomach I had to do this and how callous they are acting towards a woman who loved them so much.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this sucks. Sorry, no advice but I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

I swear on my soul there is nothing I’ve left out. Each time I try and have a reasonable conversation about her money for her care they both start yelling and talking over me and won’t let me get a word in. Things like, “we’re not selling off properties and throwing away the money”! and “you’re not making any decisions about moms assets without our consent!” and “why does she need a private caregiver when she’s already at assisted living, don’t they watch her all day”! Ugh

[Anonymous]

The money is not theirs to do as they please. The money was earned by her and/or her husband and saved to make their retirement years more comfortable. Spend every last cent you need to in order to give her the best care and quality of life SHE can afford with HER money. If you have to use lawyers to communicate with them go for it. I'd be ready to have no further contact with them in the future.

[Anonymous]

Change the locks on the house now.

[Anonymous]

What things are still left in the house that need to be divided up? That needs to be done before you sell the house, rent it out, or allow a sibling to move in.

I would start there. Then decide if renting or selling is easier. If you can time it to have you and your brothers divvy up what is left in Jan. You can put the house on the market in Feb for the spring market.

How is your relationship with your brothers outside of this?

[Anonymous]

Does she have a will? Who is the executor?

What is her prognosis?

[Anonymous]

Can you get her to sign something stating it is her wish to sell the home and car to cover upcoming expenses?

[Anonymous]

Is your mother able to talk with all of you and let your brothers know what SHE wants and that she decided to give you POA? It might be better coming from her than you, if she's able. Then as part of that discussion, you can tell your brothers that the house and car need to be sold to pay for her care. Would they make a stink about it if your mother was part of the conversation?

Also, make sure her will and any other estate planning documents are up to date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change the locks on the house now.

This. Our neighbor's daughter had to call the sheriff to throw his brother out of the house so it could be sold to pay for the parents care.

It might be easier to start with the house than the car, because locks can be changed.

[Anonymous]

We had a similar situation, the one sibling ended up going in and coercing the parent to sign over the property to them. Parent had had a stroke and was legally blind. Not what the parent wanted.

[Anonymous]

Also, as difficult as it may be, try to separate your feelings about your brothers' actions from what you know you need to do to care for your mom. It's upsetting that they are acting like this, and hopefully it doesn't get worse, but your mother entrusted you with this for a reason (an obvious one at that, based on your OP). It's no consolation to be "right" in these situations, but try to stay clear and focused on what needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your mother able to talk with all of you and let your brothers know what SHE wants and that she decided to give you POA? It might be better coming from her than you, if she's able. Then as part of that discussion, you can tell your brothers that the house and car need to be sold to pay for her care. Would they make a stink about it if your mother was part of the conversation?

Also, make sure her will and any other estate planning documents are up to date.

+1

Isn’t this something that a lawyer can help with, if need be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The money is not theirs to do as they please. The money was earned by her and/or her husband and saved to make their retirement years more comfortable. Spend every last cent you need to in order to give her the best care and quality of life SHE can afford with HER money. If you have to use lawyers to communicate with them go for it. I'd be ready to have no further contact with them in the future.

I know! My father died suddenly last year from covid. He and my mom worked so hard to build their estate. My dad is probably looking down from heaven crying seeing how his sons are acting towards their mom/his wife of 60 yrs.