I got POA of mother because brothers are Aholes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 80 yr old mother suffered a stroke and needed to be moved into an AL. I researched and toured facilities for the 3 weeks she was in hospital and rehab. Meanwhile my two brothers wanted to place her in a disgusting facility down the street from their homes. $2000 a month, shared rooms and bathrooms. My moms estate is over 2 million, also has monthly income of about 9k. I found her a beautiful AL apt overlooking the bay 15mts from my brothers. My mom fell again in her AL apt, back in hospital/rehab. I was at a loss of how to keep her safe and even looked into nursing homes but her being of sound mind I just couldn’t. She cried and wanted to go back to her AL apt because she had already made so many new friends. I told her she would need private caregivers with her there to prevent the falls that would eventually lead to her death. I had attorney meet us at her rehab to execute my POA per her wishes because my brothers were having “strokes” over the extra monthly costs now totaling 13k. They both work in the family business my parents started and have access to all her bank accounts and assets. I don’t so I have to send the invoices to them to pay and it never fails I start getting snarky messages from them in group text. “At this rate her money isn’t going to last long!” They also send my mom texts that I’m overspending on her cc insinuating that I’m buying things for myself which stresses my mom out. I use her cc for her monthly necessities. Fyi I’m married to a multi millionaire and use my money to buy her groceries and frivolous girly things like clothes, perfumes, jewelry just to make her happy. I’m so sick of having to go thru them to pay her expenses I’m going to add my name on her accts and deny them access. I know this is going to create a shitshow but what other options do I have?

When a parent gets to this point emotions are high and sibling dynamics explode. It sounds like you are accusing your brother/s of not wanting to spend money on your mother so they will have more to inherit and they are questioning the credit card bills you are submitting. You admit you do not know how much money your mother has. You have to stop this.

Money has to be talked about in the open and without accusing people of stealing. It is better to take a team approach. Everyone doing what they can. An important point is everyone should be able to ask why you spent x amount of money and on what without you getting your nose bent out of shape. Specially if you are submitting the bills for reimbursement

Take a step back and get your emotions under control. The first thing you do is set up a family meeting where everyone can see how much liquid assets your mother has. She most likely does not have a lot of money. This would mean the family has to step up or liquefy her assets to cover her cost. Next the family has to make a decision about can she live in her own.

You need to communicate more clearly and openly. Did you talk to anyone in the family before you got the POA? Did you discuss or give a heads up about the 13k you spent? Your mother may want to stay where she is but it does not sound like the right option. Now is the time to move her to a nursing home with assisted or skilled care. You do this now because many places have a long wait time for assisted or skilled cared. Many places require to new resident to be independent.

You need to read the post a few more times. Not enough money? Nursing home? Living on her own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 80 yr old mother suffered a stroke and needed to be moved into an AL. I researched and toured facilities for the 3 weeks she was in hospital and rehab. Meanwhile my two brothers wanted to place her in a disgusting facility down the street from their homes. $2000 a month, shared rooms and bathrooms. My moms estate is over 2 million, also has monthly income of about 9k. I found her a beautiful AL apt overlooking the bay 15mts from my brothers. My mom fell again in her AL apt, back in hospital/rehab. I was at a loss of how to keep her safe and even looked into nursing homes but her being of sound mind I just couldn’t. She cried and wanted to go back to her AL apt because she had already made so many new friends. I told her she would need private caregivers with her there to prevent the falls that would eventually lead to her death. I had attorney meet us at her rehab to execute my POA per her wishes because my brothers were having “strokes” over the extra monthly costs now totaling 13k. They both work in the family business my parents started and have access to all her bank accounts and assets. I don’t so I have to send the invoices to them to pay and it never fails I start getting snarky messages from them in group text. “At this rate her money isn’t going to last long!” They also send my mom texts that I’m overspending on her cc insinuating that I’m buying things for myself which stresses my mom out. I use her cc for her monthly necessities. Fyi I’m married to a multi millionaire and use my money to buy her groceries and frivolous girly things like clothes, perfumes, jewelry just to make her happy. I’m so sick of having to go thru them to pay her expenses I’m going to add my name on her accts and deny them access. I know this is going to create a shitshow but what other options do I have?

She is of sound mind. She has expressed her wishes to return to her AL where she has FRIENDS. You think a bay view is more important than FRIENDS? So she could "die" happy having a fall where she wants to be or maybe let's just say she lives a little longer at the place you have deemed worthy and she is lonely, but can stare out the window and have a room to herself. You have to respect her wishes unless she is mentally incompetent. You are being too controling. It is not your place to insert yourself and go against her expressed wishes.

I’m sorry you don’t understand. She wanted to go back to the AL I found for her with the bay view. It’s the only place she’s lived in. She NEVER was at the disgusting places my brothers found for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom needs to be in nursing home, not assisted living. Assisted living is not a high level of care. If she stays in assisted living she needs a 24/7 caretaker. Tell the brothers to pay up or drop her off at one of their homes.

She now has private care givers with her in her AL. She’s beautifully safe, happy and healthy. My mother is not fit for a nursing home. She’s still full of life and would be devastated surrounded by the type of people in nursing homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

When they say there won’t be anything left, they are saying they don’t want your mom to spend her money because there will be less left for them.

Trust your instincts. You are doing a great job.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

When they say there won’t be anything left, they are saying they don’t want your mom to spend her money because there will be less left for them.

Trust your instincts. You are doing a great job.

This.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I added myself as joint owner to her account yesterday, ordered a debit card and blocked access to my brothers. The AL ach payments come out of here and I will pay her private care out of here as well. No need to send invoices to my brother and get snarky comments back. I’ll use the debit card for her meds and necessities. I will send them the monthly statements.

I was on my way to her other bank to do the same but I was having so much anxiety I went home. My DH told me I need to do the same with her other bank asap. I decided that I will just add my name to that account as a joint owner and leave access to brothers. It’s her large savings acct and I don’t want to create a huge battle. At least I can view the account and transfer money to her other acct when it gets low. She has about 8 months worth of living expenses in the first acct I took over. My DH thinks my brothers might transfer that money to a different bank once they find out I took over the other acct but as POA/joint owner they will need my permission.

I believe one of the biggest reasons my brothers are acting this way is because they’ve worked with my mom for years and I haven’t. They’ve had so much control over my moms moneys and investments they want to show me who’s boss. It’s probably 50% macho 50% greed. I’ve had to instill in my moms head that it’s HER MONEY and she can afford the best care possible. If my brothers took over her care she would probably live another year or two at the most. Under my care with med management, constant supervision fall prevention, she will possibly make it to 90! Her mom passed at 97. She is still beautiful, full of life with a wicked sense of humor. The day she moved into her AL, she introduced me as their new resident and turned around with her walker and tried to leave!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might want to get a geriatric care manager to evaluate your mother’s needs and help you, your mother and your brothers formulate a long term care plan. A knowledgeable professional can help manage the discussions you need to have with your brothers, but also help you all understand what your mother needs are and how best to meet them.
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-geriatric-care-manager

I actually discussed this with my mother and she doesn’t feel we need one. She thinks I’m doing a terrific job on my own. I know exactly what my mothers needs are. I’ve been the ONLY one who has talked to the doctors regarding her MRIs, CT scans etc.. My brothers think she’s just clumsy and should’ve been more active in her life. The only reason I was considering a geriatric attorney was to defer my brothers wrath. I might consider hiring an attorney, setting up a family meeting to see how they react. If they agree to meet then that’s positive. If they don’t then I won’t bother moving forward with attorney.

[Anonymous]

Have you actually evaluated her income vs expenses? For most people 13k per month expenses is not sustainable. I realize you say that your husband is a 'multi millionaire', but your mom likely has a finite amount of money and many years of expenses. I know you don't want to hear it, but your brothers may have valid reason for concern.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my grandmother outlived her savings (lived to be 99). I know you want your mom do you have a great quality of life but it's important to have a sustainable budget if she lives a long life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I added myself as joint owner to her account yesterday, ordered a debit card and blocked access to my brothers. The AL ach payments come out of here and I will pay her private care out of here as well. No need to send invoices to my brother and get snarky comments back. I’ll use the debit card for her meds and necessities. I will send them the monthly statements.

I was on my way to her other bank to do the same but I was having so much anxiety I went home. My DH told me I need to do the same with her other bank asap. I decided that I will just add my name to that account as a joint owner and leave access to brothers. It’s her large savings acct and I don’t want to create a huge battle. At least I can view the account and transfer money to her other acct when it gets low. She has about 8 months worth of living expenses in the first acct I took over. My DH thinks my brothers might transfer that money to a different bank once they find out I took over the other acct but as POA/joint owner they will need my permission.

I believe one of the biggest reasons my brothers are acting this way is because they’ve worked with my mom for years and I haven’t. They’ve had so much control over my moms moneys and investments they want to show me who’s boss. It’s probably 50% macho 50% greed. I’ve had to instill in my moms head that it’s HER MONEY and she can afford the best care possible. If my brothers took over her care she would probably live another year or two at the most. Under my care with med management, constant supervision fall prevention, she will possibly make it to 90! Her mom passed at 97. She is still beautiful, full of life with a wicked sense of humor. The day she moved into her AL, she introduced me as their new resident and turned around with her walker and tried to leave!

Does the savings account have a limit to how much can be transferred/withdrawn within a set time frame? This may be something you can ask the bank to add if it is not already limited; or perhaps they could be required to call you for approval for funds withdrawn/transfered. I know you want to avoid conflict, but why are multiple people even on her personal savings account? 8 months of funds is great but really not a lot when you consider how much time she may have left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually evaluated her income vs expenses? For most people 13k per month expenses is not sustainable. I realize you say that your husband is a 'multi millionaire', but your mom likely has a finite amount of money and many years of expenses. I know you don't want to hear it, but your brothers may have valid reason for concern.

This is also a good point. Have you met with a financial planner? 13K/mo is significant. Does she still have income from investments, and are those anticipated to be stable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually evaluated her income vs expenses? For most people 13k per month expenses is not sustainable. I realize you say that your husband is a 'multi millionaire', but your mom likely has a finite amount of money and many years of expenses. I know you don't want to hear it, but your brothers may have valid reason for concern.

This is also a good point. Have you met with a financial planner? 13K/mo is significant. Does she still have income from investments, and are those anticipated to be stable?

OP, you seem naively puppies and rainbows about the situation. You and your mom “thinking” you’re doing a great job does not a long term financial plan make. 13K in expenses a month with no income over year and years with no set end date can become an underwater situation.

It sounds to me like your brothers know your mothers actual finances, but yiu are going out of your way to ignore them and give her things she wants, other than the reality of her situation. That doesn’t benefit her at all, as happy as she’s going to be in the beginning. Care will only get more complex and expensive as she gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually evaluated her income vs expenses? For most people 13k per month expenses is not sustainable. I realize you say that your husband is a 'multi millionaire', but your mom likely has a finite amount of money and many years of expenses. I know you don't want to hear it, but your brothers may have valid reason for concern.

This is also a good point. Have you met with a financial planner? 13K/mo is significant. Does she still have income from investments, and are those anticipated to be stable?

OP, you seem naively puppies and rainbows about the situation. You and your mom “thinking” you’re doing a great job does not a long term financial plan make. 13K in expenses a month with no income over year and years with no set end date can become an underwater situation.

It sounds to me like your brothers know your mothers actual finances, but yiu are going out of your way to ignore them and give her things she wants, other than the reality of her situation. That doesn’t benefit her at all, as happy as she’s going to be in the beginning. Care will only get more complex and expensive as she gets older.

Trust me I’ve done my homework. She has an annual income of about 100k a year from her investments. Therefore she needs about 60k supplemented for her care. Selling her home alone will give her 10 years of supplemental money for her care. That’s without touching her savings accounts, investment properties and business properties. At 90 we can look at selling one of her other properties to give her another 10 years. Still not having to touch her investment properties. Get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually evaluated her income vs expenses? For most people 13k per month expenses is not sustainable. I realize you say that your husband is a 'multi millionaire', but your mom likely has a finite amount of money and many years of expenses. I know you don't want to hear it, but your brothers may have valid reason for concern.

This is also a good point. Have you met with a financial planner? 13K/mo is significant. Does she still have income from investments, and are those anticipated to be stable?

Extremely stable! Even thru covid she’s had zero issues or losses..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a terrible and controlling person. I have a sister like you and I am the distancing myself from her.

Damn straight I’m controlling. When I live 50 miles away and my brothers live down the street from her and they decided they would keep her in her home and take turns spending the night with her after the stroke and initial fall. Under this ridiculous care she fell 5 more times within a few weeks. Meanwhile it got to the point they started arguing over who was suppose to spend the night with her because both would be out drunk!!! I can’t make this up. That’s when I grabbed her from her home, straight to hospital for testing, rehab, then her AL. So yes I am controlling because I had to be under these circumstances or she would be gone by now.