Men - Am I A Red Flag?

[Anonymous]

I’m early thirties and really wondering if there is still hope for me. I became ill as a late teenager/early twenties with multiple illnesses that really impacted my life. I had very bad vaginal infections - reoccurring BV that would cause yeast infections and UTIs - that had very bad symptoms ( bad odor) and just left my self-esteem very low. I also suffered from IBS which lead to very bad side effects. I also suffer from nerve pain issues. This really left me in a deep depressed state. I stopped going out and never dated - never had a boyfriend, because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I worked a couple of low level jobs and then bounced around as a nanny. I was never able to hold down a job for longer than a couple of months ( though did one for 6months and another for 1 year) because of my illnesses. I was left in constant pain and deep embarrassment. I had a bad odor ( from vaginal infections) no matter how well I kept my hygiene. I tried so many things over the years and nothing worked. I pretty much became a hermit because I was too embarrassed to go places and cut myself off from the world. I was never able to hold down a job so I lived with my parents until I was 28 and then my sister to care for her child.

Fast forward a year and I feel like I’m in a much better place. I met with a natural doctor who helped me immensely. She helped me find the root cause of my issues and I was able to eradicate my vaginal infections and greatly improve my IBS. I still have some issues if I eat certain foods but I'm fine if I stick to a certain diet. I have been seeing a chiropractor and acupuncturist for my nerve condition, and while not healed, I feel much better. I spent the last year in therapy discussing all of these things.

What I worry about now is all of the years I lost. I lost large chunk of my life where I was supposed to have a great social life, date around, build a career, etc., and now I’m worried it’s too late. I feel like such an outcast when I tell people I don’t have any friends, never go out, and have never had a boyfriend. I’m taking steps to better my life - working a steady job and starting nursing school next year, but I just feel like finding a partner will never happen for me. I feel like a freak and most men will see me as a red flag and not give me the chance. I’m so behind my peers and can't compete with women my age. I do want to get married and possibly have kids. I just don’t know if it’s too late for me and I should just resign myself to being alone like I'm used to being.

Honest feedback from men is appreciated. Please no rude comments.

[Anonymous]

You need to reframe this, OP, from “I’m a freak and didn’t do the things I should have” to “I was sick in my 20’s and it was a struggle to get well. Now that I’m well there is so much I get to do!”

I’m glad you are feeling better! Enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

You have stayed in, and are going into, fields that are predominantly women. How do you plan to meet men?

[Anonymous]

You're a survivor. You had a really rough road but somehow you came through. In comparison to where you were, things are better now.

And forget about explaining your past, to yourself or anyone else. You were in poor health and now you're not. Take it as it comes and good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

You are young enough to get what you want but you have to REALLY work hard to shed your self defeating mindset that will trap you in the past. Plenty of people have little experience at your age and you have nearly a decade to work it out. You only need one person and the is no “prerequisite” number of people you need to practice with before that. Socialize, make a few friends, go online for dates, get your feet wet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to reframe this, OP, from “I’m a freak and didn’t do the things I should have” to “I was sick in my 20’s and it was a struggle to get well. Now that I’m well there is so much I get to do!”

I’m glad you are feeling better! Enjoy it.

+1

You got this, OP!

[Anonymous]

For every pot, there is a lid.

I did not really date in my 20s. My first BF was my DH, when I was 30. Yes, I was a virgin until 30. I had terrible self esteem issues.

Married now for close to 20 years. DH is my best friend.

[Anonymous]

It's not too late and the only red flag is that you believe you are somehow damaged and not worthy of a great life. I strongly suggest you talk to a therapist and start working on actively reframing your perspective (I had health issues when I was younger and therefore missed out to - I am strong as hell because I am thriving after living through a lot more crap than most people my age have, for example.) You also need to figure out specific, actionable items that are going to be part of your continued success story. For example, joining a dating app and going on a date. Or joining a club. Or getting a job promotion. Or whatever.

Also, if you want kids, you will have kids. You may need to be flexible about the when and how, but you can absolutely do it.

You are not broken and your life can be what you want it to be. You need to work hard at believing this truth and incorporating it into your life and your identity and your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have stayed in, and are going into, fields that are predominantly women. How do you plan to meet men?

OP here. I chose nursing because it’s a great career and a way for me to help people. I’m going to get more out there once the pandemic is better and start talking up new hobbies. Cooking classes, new gym ( almost all men and run by men), neighborhood groups, etc. Going out to bars and online dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For every pot, there is a lid.

I did not really date in my 20s. My first BF was my DH, when I was 30. Yes, I was a virgin until 30. I had terrible self esteem issues.

Married now for close to 20 years. DH is my best friend.

OP here. I’m not a virgin but I haven’t had sex since I was a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have stayed in, and are going into, fields that are predominantly women. How do you plan to meet men?

OP here. I chose nursing because it’s a great career and a way for me to help people. I’m going to get more out there once the pandemic is better and start talking up new hobbies. Cooking classes, new gym ( almost all men and run by men), neighborhood groups, etc. Going out to bars and online dating.

The time is now, OP. Do not wait. Excuses!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For every pot, there is a lid.

I did not really date in my 20s. My first BF was my DH, when I was 30. Yes, I was a virgin until 30. I had terrible self esteem issues.

Married now for close to 20 years. DH is my best friend.

OP here. I’m not a virgin but I haven’t had sex since I was a teenager.

see, you already had me beat on that one, and even I found a great guy to marry. It didn't happen until *I* was more comfortable with myself. The adage is true.. you can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself.

[Anonymous]

How many responders are actually men? I'm guessing none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a survivor. You had a really rough road but somehow you came through. In comparison to where you were, things are better now.

And forget about explaining your past, to yourself or anyone else. You were in poor health and now you're not. Take it as it comes and good luck to you.

+1. Also look into whether resetting your gut (probiotics etc.) is a factor with your illness. I'm glad to hear you're doing better. You sound like a great person and someone will be lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Your journey has made you a stronger person who can empathize with others who struggle. The work you are doing on yourself in unpacking all this is so valuable — most people never get that deep because everything goes smoothly for them. You’d be a wonderful partner and mother! Sending hugs for your continued healing and well being.