Father's obligations towards child
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Anonymous
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Would really appreciate some insight.
My husband and I share a baby girl together and he also has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage who lives in Europe with her mom I'll keep it short - he pays child support to his previous wife (obligation) but over the years has also paid for extravagant shopping trips, holidays etc A lot of it has been excessive which he admits. His reason is if he doesn't do that the daughter will not talk to him- ongoing issue since she was a child. The teenager has no interest in our daughter and has never asked about her. In all fairness she barely has an interest in her own father unless a birthday or Christmas are nearby then the wish lists pour in. He is too scared to say anything as he knows she will not speak to him. Anyhow the issue we have is he hasn't paid for a single thing for our 8 month old daughter. I have purchased everything she owns as well as paid for the nanny etc. I also pay for groceries and household foods and no we don't have a joint account and nor do I want one. Despite him earning triple figures he says he pay the mortgages ( we have a renovation that I have contributed too as well) and therefore doenst need to pay for anything else. The mortgage has never stopped him paying for his other daughter. What is the best way to approach this? If he doesn't want to buy our daughter things that's fine but atleast help with the childcare costs? Or is that on me too as its more around my job? |
Anonymous
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Why don't you want a joint account? My husband and I have separate and joint accounts, and our paychecks go into our separate accounts (out of which we pay for our separate credit cards and any items that relate to us), and then we put most of them into our joint account out of which we pay for the mortgage, food, and anything related to the kids and family (also pets).
This whole scenario sounds super weird. He says he doesn't need to pay for anything for your child?!? Also, what do you mean by triple figures, because it literally means he makes in the hundreds... I assume you mean six figures, like he earns $100K or more? |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| What does he say when you talk about this with him? This sounds super messed up and sexist to me. |
Anonymous
| This isn't going to end well. |
Anonymous
+1 This is a question for counseling, not here. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Apologies yes I do mean 6 figures. I don't want to have joint accounts because of the way he spends on the other daughter. I don't want to make myself more upset if he were to take it from the that account.
( I don't think he would but I'm trying to avoid drama) He earns pretty well and tends to stash a lot in his retirement accounts and investment accounts. Which is great but my issue is I'm not being afforded the same opportunity. When I mention it he says he has a legal obligation to the other daughter and the fact that he pays the mortgage is his contribution to my daughter and myself. I'm pretty independent and pretty well so I have just continued paying. For me now it's more about the principal. I've had to get him to rethink his spending on the other daughter like unlimited shopping trips when she visits ( multiple times a year) There is no spending limit. All this just makes me uncomfortable having a joint account. |
Anonymous
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It makes you uncomfortable that he spends money on his daughter when he sees her, and you've made that clear to him. But that's their relationship (and doing the bare minimum required by law is not good parenting).
Now he has a daughter with you and he's not spending extra on her - like you seem to prefer in parenting - but that makes you uncomfortable. So your complaint with him spending money on his other daughter is not a philosophical problem with him spending money to buy affection. You don't think it's bad parenting. You just think you're in competition with her mom and anything he spends on his older daughter diminishes you somehow. Now you've set up a dynamic in your mind where your daughter is in competition with her half-sister, and even though your daughter lives with her father full time, she's somehow "losing" because you've got a ledger in your head with past shopping trips that he hasn't balanced out in DD's first 8 months of help. Your poor husband. There's no way to win - you want him to pay for your house, not to touch your money, to pay for your DD, and to not take his older DD's calls until she swears a vow of poverty so she knows she's not as important to him anymore now that he has a "replacement DD". |
Anonymous
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If you read I wrote he hasn't paid for anything for my daughter and no I'm not saying don't buy the other daughter things I'm saying it has to be in reason. Not unlimited because you are scared she will not speak to you so you do everything she says. He always complains she only speaks to him when she wants something.
In terms of paying for the house- I pay towards our joint house not the house that's only in his name. I have paid the mortgage for a period of time and then shared the construction costs. |
Anonymous
| This has nothing to do with what he does for the older child as it seems like he well can afford to support both kids. If you want him to do more for your DD, tell him to do so. I have known unblended families with the same issue. Dad pays the mortgage and nothing kid-related. If that is 50/50 (doubtful) or proportionate to what the spouses earn, that’s fine. But these wives are paying 7-8x what the husbands do. |
Anonymous
You have two homes? Your situation becomes more confusing with each post. What is your financial arrangement? What did you each pay for before the baby? Why? And most importantly: WHAT KIND OF DAD IS HE TO YOUR DD? The bottom line is you were upset when he did more than the bare minimum for one daughter financially. And now you're upset that he's doing the bare minimum for the other daughter financially. You're creating a competition in your head and insisting that your DD win and his older DD lose. If you can't explain why your daughter is being shortchanged without pointing out his arrangement with his other DD, then you're just playing wicked stepmother here. If he's actually a bad dad you don't need to bring in his older DD as a comparison point. |
Anonymous
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And in response to the above where did I say it's not bad parenting. I've repeatedly said that to him. In the past the mother has not let him see the child for a number of years and used her as a tool to get more. This is all by his own admission.
I didn't say not to take her calls I said she doesn't take her father's calls unless she wants something |
Anonymous
| OP it honestly sounds like he’s taking advantage of you. What you describe doesn’t sound like a partnership. I think there’s a problem in any relationship if you’d be better off divorced—and in your case you would be. Emotionally that’s not sustainable. He needs to pay for at least half of daycare and contribute to extras for your daughter AND you too! You should be maxing out your retirement savings every year. |
Anonymous
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One is a condo which he owns bought before me. Second is a home we purchased together.
He doesn't spend much time with my daughter. Says when she is older then it will be his time to shine . |
Anonymous
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I just don't understand why people dont have joint accounts
When you married him, you took on his obligation to his other daughter as well. |