Father's obligations towards child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it honestly sounds like he’s taking advantage of you. What you describe doesn’t sound like a partnership. I think there’s a problem in any relationship if you’d be better off divorced—and in your case you would be. Emotionally that’s not sustainable. He needs to pay for at least half of daycare and contribute to extras for your daughter AND you too! You should be maxing out your retirement savings every year.

+1 If you guys get divorced, he'd have to pay for both child support. What then?

I'm sorry but you and your child come second to him because he is spineless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why people dont have joint accounts

When you married him, you took on his obligation to his other daughter as well.

She explicitly refused to do that with the weird joint account situation and set up an OP vs. SDD dynamic. This whole family is a mess. She thinks he's a bad dad so she had a kid with him. She thinks the older DD is a brat for wanting money so she wants money for her kid. OP sounds young and both obnoxious and easy to manipulate. DH sounds like he has more money than EQ and will flit away from this family within 3 years, only to try to bond with this DD with money down the road (with OP in her ear telling her to ask for more, because she knows from experience what he'll spend to feel like he has a relationship with his kid).

[Anonymous]

I had the same set up when my step kids were younger. DH paid child support, private school tuition, summer camp, clothing, and the mortgage on the kids house.

I knew this when we got married. I knew this when we had kids. I paid for everything for our kids until our oldest was about 7--daycare, school, summer camp, activities, clothes.

The older kids are now grown and on their own. He pays for most things for our kids now. Our kids have never lacked.
Even though his daughter doesn't speak to him now, don't create strife in their relationship by asking him to stop spending so much money on her. You're in this for the long haul. Your kids will get their turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why people dont have joint accounts

When you married him, you took on his obligation to his other daughter as well.

This sounds like someone who has never married into a blended family or dealt with a spendthrift spouse.

Separating accounts and tax returns saved my marriage (DH also has older, now adult kids and a spending problem). At first, I tried to "fix" DH and his overspending problem, and as a result I lost all respect for DH and I felt hopeless about my situation, so in a last ditch effort to save our marriage before filing for divorce, I stopped filing joint tax returns and started directing a significant portion of my paycheck into savings for my retirement (as I have always done before we got married) and our child's college. We also have a joint account for joint expenses, and DH pays at least his share of our expenses like our mortgage, child care, food, utilities, trips, basically everything we spend money on together. He can do what he want with the rest of his income and so can I with mine. This freed him from my angst over his spending but also forced him to take responsibility for his spending. I monitor his credit and we don't have any shared credit cards. We both make at least six figures in any given year, so that helps a lot.

You have to figure out what works for you guys, but the current solution is TERRIBLE for you and your child. As a couple, you need to be saving for retirement and her education. These are both nonnegotiable for me and come before any kind of luxury spending on anyone in the family.

[Anonymous]

Firstly I'm not young or naive. I certainly will not be asking my daughter to get him to buy her things. I original question was should he be sharing childcare costs or not? His excuse right now is no because he pays the mortgage to his condo. I bought all her things clothes, cribs, diapers and I paid for childcare. All I asked was does he also need to share the cost or is paying a mortgage a get of jail card because that hasn't stopped him paying for the other kid.
And also not sure which marriage ruling mandates a joint account

[Anonymous]

Thank you to the last to replies they were super helpful. I have had to put all my savings into the new construction ro rectify the mistakes of the original builder so I think dumping all childcare costs on me is frankly not fair as I am also paying for all her expenses.
I did purchase all her things, he never offered to pay. At the time when I mentioned it his argument is the same the mortgage payment is the contribution.

[Anonymous]

Ok, if you so disagree with his parenting, why did you have a child with him? I am baffled that people do this. And why did you have a child without a plan for how to pay for the child's needs? Seriously, your DH sounds awful but you need to look at your own choices here or you will keep making the same mistakes.

[Anonymous]

You need a budget. I get that you are not interested in combined accounts. People on this forum talk about each spouse having their own account, as well as a joint account for joint expenses.

[Anonymous]

To the last post- his ex wife and him divorced when the kid was 3 months. The mother didn't want to move to the US. She didn't let him see the kid for 3 years. The relationship has mostly centered around cash so he had said to me he felt robbed of being a father. And all he wanted was to be a good dad. I guess I stupidly believed him definitely my mistake. But I don't regret my daughter. She is just amazing!!
For the last 8 months I have struggled with a full time job and looking after her myself. I work from home for now.
Did i make a mistake in choosing a partner yes - that is my fault

[Anonymous]

This is a very odd arrangement. It's fine you don't want a joint account - and I can sort of see why it makes sense here because of his other daughter. But your DH's reasoning about why he pays for one DD but not the other doesn't make sense.

The bottom line is that your DH has a financial obligation to the child you share together which includes food, clothing, incidentals, medical care, etc. It's not just about the mortgage, although that is part of it. But the mortgage has nothing to do with you child. It's for his condo and your child doesn't even live there. It's not like he's paying a mortgage on a separate house for you and the child to live in. So the mortgage is not a childcare-related expense.

If he sold the condo, would the proceeds be shared with you and the child? Because he can't have it both ways.

The mortgage seems like a red herring, though. It's not really about the mortgage. He's using it as an excuse to avoid his obligations to your child - financially and emotionally (you said he doesn't spend a lot of time with your child and will do so later. Nope, sorry). If you divorced or separated, he would legally be obligated to pay child support.

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like you are in a precarious situation. You are putting all of your savings into the construction, he refuses to pay anything for his second child but still pays the mortgage on a condo he owned before marriage, and spends large sums of money on his first child? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you read I wrote he hasn't paid for anything for my daughter and no I'm not saying don't buy the other daughter things I'm saying it has to be in reason. Not unlimited because you are scared she will not speak to you so you do everything she says. He always complains she only speaks to him when she wants something.
In terms of paying for the house- I pay towards our joint house not the house that's only in his name. I have paid the mortgage for a period of time and then shared the construction costs.

My deepest sympathy to your husband. You sound like the proverbial wicked stepmother and jealous 2nd wife. Why should the the other daughter have any interest in your child. Maybe you're the reason he and first wife got divorced. I give this marriage no chance of success all because of you and your insane jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Not having joint bank accounts is a recipe for arguments and eventual divorce. It makes you both bean counters instead of a team. Fix that. If he doesn't want joint accounts, that's a warning sign.

Also, stop expecting your step daughter to take an interest in her sister who is 15 years younger. That is unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the last post- his ex wife and him divorced when the kid was 3 months. The mother didn't want to move to the US. She didn't let him see the kid for 3 years. The relationship has mostly centered around cash so he had said to me he felt robbed of being a father. And all he wanted was to be a good dad. I guess I stupidly believed him definitely my mistake. But I don't regret my daughter. She is just amazing!!
For the last 8 months I have struggled with a full time job and looking after her myself. I work from home for now.
Did i make a mistake in choosing a partner yes - that is my fault

Okay, so when she was a baby he moved across the ocean from her. Right? And now you are wondering why he and his daughter have a bad relationship? And this is his ex's fault because she didn't want to uproot her life to follow him? Sorry but he robbed himself of being a father, and now he's ignoring your DD too.

[Anonymous]

He is federal employee and was stationed in Europe when the ex wife met him and got married and had a baby. She knew he would be returning to the U.S
I guess it's unreasonable for her his daughter to acknowledge the baby exists. That makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you want a joint account? My husband and I have separate and joint accounts, and our paychecks go into our separate accounts (out of which we pay for our separate credit cards and any items that relate to us), and then we put most of them into our joint account out of which we pay for the mortgage, food, and anything related to the kids and family (also pets).

This whole scenario sounds super weird. He says he doesn't need to pay for anything for your child?!? Also, what do you mean by triple figures, because it literally means he makes in the hundreds... I assume you mean six figures, like he earns $100K or more?

I wouldn't get a joint account with this man. He'd spend OP's money on his older daughter.