Father's obligations towards child

[Anonymous]

Wow some really wild assumptions. They got divorced 16 years ago I met him 3 years ago. What do I have to do with the divorce?? Insane . Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

You are married, so all of your money earned during the marriage belongs to both of you. Consequently, you took on the obligation to his first daughter when you married him. Bottom line is that who pays for what is semantics.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand something - kids are cheap other than child care. He is likely paying far more for mortgage than you are spending on an infant. Why does this feel like you are complaining that he doesn’t hold up his “share”?

[Anonymous]

OP, there are 2 totally separate issues here.

1) You need to figure out a financial plan with your DH that is fair to you both. Don't make this about your daughter. It should be about what works financially. If he's paying the entire mortgage, then yeah, it may be fair for you to pay for child care.

2) You are feeling like he's not involved enough with your daughter. Full stop. Don't make this about the money.

Both of these issues need to be completely about your family unit, not about the daughter in Europe. Leave that off the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is federal employee and was stationed in Europe when the ex wife met him and got married and had a baby. She knew he would be returning to the U.S
I guess it's unreasonable for her his daughter to acknowledge the baby exists. That makes sense.

You can't expect his daughter to be happy about a competing child who gets a full-time dad while she has had very little. Even if his ex-wife had cooperated, how good a father can you really be from so far away?

I wonder.if he is telling you the truth about his finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are married, so all of your money earned during the marriage belongs to both of you. Consequently, you took on the obligation to his first daughter when you married him. Bottom line is that who pays for what is semantics.

The obligation is to pay child support. He's paying for things that go way beyond child support.

Anonymous wrote: But over the years has also paid for extravagant shopping trips, holidays etc
A lot of it has been excessive which he admits. His reason is if he doesn't do that the daughter will not talk to him- ongoing issue since she was a child. The teenager has no interest in our daughter and has never asked about her. In all fairness she barely has an interest in her own father unless a birthday or Christmas are nearby then the wish lists pour in. He is too scared to say anything as he knows she will not speak to him.

That's like saying, you married a gambler, and you should have known he was a gambler, so his debts are your debts. Or you married a shopaholic. You should have known she has a problem when you were dating based on how she dressed and primped. She's your problem now. Sorry. Good luck. Really?

OP, do you have a good job? If so, then just start some automatic savings into things that are a priority for you. Stop paying for other things. Don't just sit around and complain. Don't expect a man to solve your problems, it usually doesn't work out that way.

[Anonymous]

How am I expecting a man to solve my problems. My savings bailed out his construction disaster. Really should really the whole thread.
My savings and wages are paying for childcare and my child.
The question is simple is a mortgage payment an excuse for not paying childcare. For those who don't seem to understand or are disgruntled first wives how is ok to ignore obligations to one child and meet those of another.
And yes he hasn't paid for a single thing not even a diaper

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How am I expecting a man to solve my problems. My savings bailed out his construction disaster. Really should really the whole thread.
My savings and wages are paying for childcare and my child.
The question is simple is a mortgage payment an excuse for not paying childcare. For those who don't seem to understand or are disgruntled first wives how is ok to ignore obligations to one child and meet those of another.
And yes he hasn't paid for a single thing not even a diaper

It's hard to know without knowing how big the mortgage is relative to the things you are paying for. Nobody can answer that for you.

Your DH sucks and is a neglectful father, no doubt about that. But the question is why did you marry him with no financial planning. Divorce him or don't, but why did you make these bad decisions and how can you do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How am I expecting a man to solve my problems. My savings bailed out his construction disaster. Really should really the whole thread.
My savings and wages are paying for childcare and my child.
The question is simple is a mortgage payment an excuse for not paying childcare. For those who don't seem to understand or are disgruntled first wives how is ok to ignore obligations to one child and meet those of another.
And yes he hasn't paid for a single thing not even a diaper

And there's the root of it. You're mad that he still cares about the other family that you'd like him to forget.

[Anonymous]

To answer your specific question I need to know how much you make compared to him. We split our stuff up in a way, but other stuff we do separately. Spouse makes 100k I make 60k. We have a joint account that we both pay into although spouse puts in more than me. Mortgage and house bills come out if that as does Costco trips. Spouse pays all childcare. I pay for all house/family type things at Target because I have a red card so just pay that myself. I also pay our cleaning person $240 per month. To know if it’s fair you pay for everything but he does the mortgage I need to know your income. If you make 50k then no it doesn’t sound fair because you would be struggling. If you also make 6 figures and you have a high mortgage that he pays and you pay the other stuff and it equals out then I think that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Yes he should be sharing cost of your child with you. If he’s paying a mortgage for a second condo, he should consider selling - it’s not fair to not contributing to childcare costs.

If you want to maintain separate accounts, make a list of all joint expenses and split the cost.

He needs to contribute to parenting and raising your child.

I suspect this will not end well and wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

Well, maybe he thinks he's being a good father to your DD because he has stayed married to you for eight whole months of her life, and is also living on the same continent as she is. This is a personal best for him.

If you were a naive second wife and believed him when he blamed everything on his ex, that's on you. Do you understand a little better now why they are divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you want a joint account? My husband and I have separate and joint accounts, and our paychecks go into our separate accounts (out of which we pay for our separate credit cards and any items that relate to us), and then we put most of them into our joint account out of which we pay for the mortgage, food, and anything related to the kids and family (also pets).

This whole scenario sounds super weird. He says he doesn't need to pay for anything for your child?!? Also, what do you mean by triple figures, because it literally means he makes in the hundreds... I assume you mean six figures, like he earns $100K or more?

I wouldn't get a joint account with this man. He'd spend OP's money on his older daughter.

My point was that my husband and I have our paychecks go into our separate accounts. Then we can each pay our separate liabilities out of those and our joint stuff is all paid by the joint account, into which we each deposit an agreed upon amount that covers mortgage, joint credit cards, tuition, nanny, etc. So the husband's money he spends on his daughter would come out of his separate account.

In any event, OP's subsequent posts have shown that this marriage is effed up and this guy couldn't care less about the daughter actually living in his house (nor the one who doesn't live in the US since he decided to leave her and her mom when she was three months old). Hopefully OP has her name on everything and she doesn't quit her job because it sounds like this guys will walk out on her at some point as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes he should be sharing cost of your child with you. If he’s paying a mortgage for a second condo, he should consider selling - it’s not fair to not contributing to childcare costs.

If you want to maintain separate accounts, make a list of all joint expenses and split the cost.

He needs to contribute to parenting and raising your child.

I suspect this will not end well and wish you luck.

Spot on. I like 1 shared account for joint expenses plus 2 separate accounts, one for each of you. The shared account covers the mortgage on the house you live in together, childcare, food, utilities, cars, insurance, phones, vacations you take together, etc. Contribute to the shared account pro rata based on earnings. This works best if you come up with a general understanding, keep a buffer available for emergencies, and don't count pennies. Close enough is good enough.... From his separate account with the amount that is leftover after he funds his pro rata share of the joint account, he pays child support, other money he wants to give his older daughter, the costs associated with his separate condo, and whatever other expenses or investments he has unrelated to your family of 3. Totally understandable that you don't feel a mother-daughter connection to his teenager that lives in Europe and want some separation. How could you be expected to form a bond like that from across an ocean? From your separate account, you take care of yourself and your retirement savings. This approach works for us, but we both make over $200k. I also expect him to contribute 50/50 to household and parenting responsibilities, and you know what … he does! I found that he likes it when I kindly and clearly express my expectations for him, because he likes to meet them.

[Anonymous]

1. Forget totally about what he pays for his other daughter.
2. Create a budget, figure out what you spend together each month between mortgage, childcare, food, cars, etc. Then determine what % you should each pay. If he has a higher salary, he should pay more. If you have a higher salary, you should pay more. Create a joint bank account to cover all joint expenses. Yes, all expenses to do with your daughter are joint expenses. You each should deposit $ into the account - using the determined %s.
3. If he doesn’t agree to do this, it’s time to go see an attorney and find out what child support/alimony you would be entitled to. From there, you can decide your plan of action.

Seriously, don’t bring his older daughter into this at all.