Father's obligations towards child

[Anonymous]

[quote]You are married, so all of your money earned during the marriage belongs to both of you. Consequently, you took on the obligation to his first daughter when you married him. Bottom line is that who pays for what is semantics.


The obligation is to pay child support. He's paying for things that go way beyond child support.

Child support is to keep the child fed, housed, clothed, insured, and educated. Vacations and shopping trips are nice things that parents do for their children if they can afford it.

Are you telling me that you think you will never pay for any "extras" for your own child? You will say no to the summer choir trip to France? You'll not pay for a day at the spa with her when she's a teen? All because it goes above the basics?

[Anonymous]

Fixing the formatting I jacked up.

You are married, so all of your money earned during the marriage belongs to both of you. Consequently, you took on the obligation to his first daughter when you married him. Bottom line is that who pays for what is semantics.

The obligation is to pay child support. He's paying for things that go way beyond child support.

The obligation is to pay child support. He's paying for things that go way beyond child support.

Child support is to keep the child fed, housed, clothed, insured, and educated. Vacations and shopping trips are nice things that parents do for their children if they can afford it.

Are you telling me that you think you will never pay for any "extras" for your own child? You will say no to the summer choir trip to France? You'll not pay for a day at the spa with her when she's a teen? All because it goes above the basics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How am I expecting a man to solve my problems. My savings bailed out his construction disaster. Really should really the whole thread.
My savings and wages are paying for childcare and my child.
The question is simple is a mortgage payment an excuse for not paying childcare. For those who don't seem to understand or are disgruntled first wives how is ok to ignore obligations to one child and meet those of another.
And yes he hasn't paid for a single thing not even a diaper

OP, there is no way to answer that question without knowing more facts. For example, if my mortgage is $3,000 and my childcare is $3,000 a month and my husband and I decided that I would pay one and he would pay the other, then what's the problem?

But you're talking about a mortgage payment on a condo you don't live in, correct? So who lives there?

NO MA'M. Mortgage is a payment towards a joint ASSET. Dissolution of the marriage requires you split that. Childcare is a COST. You can pay 1500 toward each but not 3000 towards one or the other with separate accounts.

I'm the PP and I'm not sure why you're ma'aming me... OP isn't divorced. There is nothing wrong with spouses paying for things out of their separate accounts. I mean, show me the VA Code section where it says that can't be done. I'll wait.

Because you need paper trail that youve contributed- is she on the mortgage are you on the mortgage/deed? And not every place is VA. There is psychological harm in having one spouse pay for x and the other y. Its even worse in this case where the mortgage is being split by the two people and then she is the only one paying childcare costs.

So...are you a psychiatrist or a lawyer? Because you certainly seem to have a lot to say. Show me the MD or DC Code. Or the Code in any state that says that one spouse can't pay $3,000 towards a mortgage while one pays $3,000 towards childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH didn’t want to put a lot of effort into being a husband and father then and he doesn’t now, either. This isn’t your stepdaughter’s fault and you are blaming her so you don’t have to deal with the real issue: your DH.

Yep, this. Why would you think he would suddenly become an engaged father? He had a clear track record.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your husband is only a support check to his first child should have been a glaring red flag, OP. Most parents will move mountains to have a relationship with their child.

+1

But it seems OP resents her husband's daughter for taking resources for her own child, so she views this behavior as a plus.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really thing he’d be a great partner and dad if not for this greedy little teenager living in another country. Come on…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am not going to read all the responses but I wanted to say I was in a similar situation.
The way it ended is he finally realized what his daughter was like and only pays for her college now (not too expensive in Europe).
Meanwhile we are getting divorced (for other reasons) and he barely spends on our son who he sees every weekend and therefore thinks he fulfills his fatherly obligations. He does pay child support but barely anything beyond that.
In your situation, I would come up with a total of household/shared expenses including the kid expenses and ask for half from him. The rest he can spend on his daughter.
Also you are very lucky she doesn’t visit at least.

I would never marry a man with kids. Seen it firsthand in my own family. Second marriages fail because of kids from the first marriage. Reading some of the responses here confirms my point. I have seen this with colleagues too and how their kids come second (not just financially) because the "first family" manipulates. Heck we saw it in the White House last year!! . They know how to get what they want and treat step moms like dirt. As another post said be happy you do not have to see her.
Don't get a joint account he will probably use it on the elder one. The older she gets the more she will ask for and it will only cause further problems. Step DD will probably see the baby as competition for resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am not going to read all the responses but I wanted to say I was in a similar situation.
The way it ended is he finally realized what his daughter was like and only pays for her college now (not too expensive in Europe).
Meanwhile we are getting divorced (for other reasons) and he barely spends on our son who he sees every weekend and therefore thinks he fulfills his fatherly obligations. He does pay child support but barely anything beyond that.
In your situation, I would come up with a total of household/shared expenses including the kid expenses and ask for half from him. The rest he can spend on his daughter.
Also you are very lucky she doesn’t visit at least.

I would never marry a man with kids. Seen it firsthand in my own family. Second marriages fail because of kids from the first marriage. Reading some of the responses here confirms my point. I have seen this with colleagues too and how their kids come second (not just financially) because the "first family" manipulates. Heck we saw it in the White House last year!! . They know how to get what they want and treat step moms like dirt. As another post said be happy you do not have to see her.
Don't get a joint account he will probably use it on the elder one. The older she gets the more she will ask for and it will only cause further problems. Step DD will probably see the baby as competition for resources.

What are you rambling about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would really appreciate some insight.
My husband and I share a baby girl together and he also has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage who lives in Europe with her mom
I'll keep it short - he pays child support to his previous wife (obligation) but over the years has also paid for extravagant shopping trips, holidays etc
A lot of it has been excessive which he admits. His reason is if he doesn't do that the daughter will not talk to him- ongoing issue since she was a child. The teenager has no interest in our daughter and has never asked about her. In all fairness she barely has an interest in her own father unless a birthday or Christmas are nearby then the wish lists pour in. He is too scared to say anything as he knows she will not speak to him.
Anyhow the issue we have is he hasn't paid for a single thing for our 8 month old daughter. I have purchased everything she owns as well as paid for the nanny etc. I also pay for groceries and household foods and no we don't have a joint account and nor do I want one.
Despite him earning triple figures he says he pay the mortgages ( we have a renovation that I have contributed too as well) and therefore doenst need to pay for anything else.
The mortgage has never stopped him paying for his other daughter.
What is the best way to approach this? If he doesn't want to buy our daughter things that's fine but atleast help with the childcare costs? Or is that on me too as its more around my job?

Divorce. He is a lousy father to both kids. He needs to be a real father to both kids. Move out, file for divorce and file for child support. Done. He isn't going to change. Stop buying anything for him, including food. Just buy for yourself and the child/nanny.

He is paying child support which includes everything. He's a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH didn’t want to put a lot of effort into being a husband and father then and he doesn’t now, either. This isn’t your stepdaughter’s fault and you are blaming her so you don’t have to deal with the real issue: your DH.

Yep, this. Why would you think he would suddenly become an engaged father? He had a clear track record.

+2

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your husband is only a support check to his first child should have been a glaring red flag, OP. Most parents will move mountains to have a relationship with their child.

+1

But it seems OP resents her husband's daughter for taking resources for her own child, so she views this behavior as a plus.

+1000 to these posts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your husband is only a support check to his first child should have been a glaring red flag, OP. Most parents will move mountains to have a relationship with their child.

+1

But it seems OP resents her husband's daughter for taking resources for her own child, so she views this behavior as a plus.

No, OP resets he loves and cares for one child and will only provide shelter for another.

[Anonymous]

I call troll on the whole scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How am I expecting a man to solve my problems. My savings bailed out his construction disaster. Really should really the whole thread.
My savings and wages are paying for childcare and my child.
The question is simple is a mortgage payment an excuse for not paying childcare. For those who don't seem to understand or are disgruntled first wives how is ok to ignore obligations to one child and meet those of another.
And yes he hasn't paid for a single thing not even a diaper

OP, A mortgage payment is not an excuse to not provide for your child. ‘I’ll bond with her when she is older’ is not the correct, appropriate reason for not taking care and interest in your child now. OP, sounds like you are a married single parent/woman. This all sounds outrageous to me and I do not know how you live with it. He would open the fridge and only find breast milk if it were me.

I am a single person and stories like yours make me rejoice in my space. The resentment from looking across at what you described would eat me alive. Good luck to you, seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am not going to read all the responses but I wanted to say I was in a similar situation.
The way it ended is he finally realized what his daughter was like and only pays for her college now (not too expensive in Europe).
Meanwhile we are getting divorced (for other reasons) and he barely spends on our son who he sees every weekend and therefore thinks he fulfills his fatherly obligations. He does pay child support but barely anything beyond that.
In your situation, I would come up with a total of household/shared expenses including the kid expenses and ask for half from him. The rest he can spend on his daughter.
Also you are very lucky she doesn’t visit at least.

I would never marry a man with kids. Seen it firsthand in my own family. Second marriages fail because of kids from the first marriage. Reading some of the responses here confirms my point. I have seen this with colleagues too and how their kids come second (not just financially) because the "first family" manipulates. Heck we saw it in the White House last year!! . They know how to get what they want and treat step moms like dirt. As another post said be happy you do not have to see her.
Don't get a joint account he will probably use it on the elder one. The older she gets the more she will ask for and it will only cause further problems. Step DD will probably see the baby as competition for resources.

Well to be fair my marriage failed for other reasons, not because of my ex’s daughter, as I mentioned above.
But of course it’s better to marry someone with no kids.
The interesting thing is that we are on good terms with her now. She harbors a lot of resentment toward her dad. So buying nice things doesn’t make one a good dad... not always at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why people dont have joint accounts

When you married him, you took on his obligation to his other daughter as well.

My husband and I have been happily married for almost 20 years and have never had a joint bank account. We got married in our 30s and each had our own careers and money. He pays for certain things, I pay for certain things. It has never been a problem. We consider all the money "our" money and have never seen a need to put it together in one account.