Houseguests…so confused

[Anonymous]

i'M So cONfUSEd.

Op -- at least be honest. You're pissed. Which is fine, but saying that you're "so confused" is juvenile and off-putting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:lol OP I’m sorry your ILs don’t care that you hate them. Better luck next time

OP here. I don’t hate them, but I certainly don’t appreciate their behavior. They were slightly better after DH was a bit sharp with them when they criticized DD for taking a nap when visitors were there after her sleepover. DH was very direct and made them apologize to DD and apologize to me for acting up so much. They were pleasant about dinner, and I set up the coffee for them tomorrow morning, and MIL made a point to say thank you.

Right now we will continue to see them as usual, but DH and I agree that there will be no more “do us a favor visits” during busy times. Their loss.

Their behavior sounds completely normal for two older people. I’m curious what you expect or, for that matter, if you think you’ll be any different at that age! You sound convinced you are all so “busy” that you can’t acknowledge loved ones. I’m sure they notice that and question your priorities. Imagine if it were your own kids telling you one day they are too busy to cook you dinner because of “school and work,” which are everyday occurrences and don’t make you incapable of cooking. Now personally I enjoy leftover lasagna but that’s beside the point

They. Told. The. Grandparents. It. Wasn’t. A. Time. They. Could. Fully. Host.

What about that do you not get?

A clean house, clean sheets and towels, plenty of food, even if it wasn’t “preferred” food. Schedules went exactly as planned and conveyed. ILs agreed to visit on the terms clearly stated by OP and DH. And then ILs complained that it wasn’t different.

If they’re that far gone that they can’t understand information and expectations clearly conveyed, they belong in a nursing home.

I get exactly what they told the grandparents and that’s why I’m pointing out that you can tell someone whatever you want, and they can notice what that says about you.

Right, just like the ILs actions says a lot about them. High maitenance and selfish.

Just remember your kids learn how to treat you, from how you treat your parents and ILs. Not when they are behaving perfectly, but when they are being difficult.

Nobody's poor behavior should be tolerated. That's the point. Behaving entitled and cheap is not exactly something to model for your kids/grandkids.

well there’s “everybody” and then there’s family, which are two different things.

Nope. Enough of this "I can treat my family poorly and they'll have to put up with me". Entitled much?

I treat my family fine and am pretty patient with my parents because I want my kids to do the same one day for me. My parents are cheap like most people in their 70s; I accept that. And frankly I do put up with their quirks. Just as I observed them doing with their own parents and in laws. We had a really close and happy upbringing despite grandparents on both sides being occasionally wacky. I’m grateful everyone kept their senses of humor throughout. I do the same.

I always cringe at this nonsense that you put up with your parents' weird behavior so that your kids would put up with yours. How do you even come up with that? This sounds abusive. Nope. Your kids will treat you based on YOUR BEHAVIOR. If you go all bonkers, nobody's going to put up with you only because you put up with your crazy parents. Luckily younger generation is also way less conditioned to put up with unhealthy behaviors and entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone, professional caterer. If you’ve ever eaten lasagna at a catered event or at a restaurant, congratulations! You’ve had leftover lasagna.

Do you also serve it with a few pieces missing that had been served at the previous day's event?

Considering it is usually served sliced and plated at restaurants, how would you know? Considering it’s easy to move down a pan size, how would you know?

A home cook could easily prepare it one day to cook the next. It's a different choice to reheat it again to serve to guests with them knowing it's yesterday's dinner. But this is why I never order lasagna in a restaurant anyway.

My husband and kids all think my lasagna is better after the first day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i'M So cONfUSEd.

Op -- at least be honest. You're pissed. Which is fine, but saying that you're "so confused" is juvenile and off-putting.

Found the disliked, entitled in-law. I adore how you tried to make a point about someone being juvenile by mocking them.

[Anonymous]

This is common old people behavior.

My MIL is even worse. She will not give any advance notice when she “visits”. She will not listen when we gave her our schedule of when we wouldn’t be available. Nope, we would simply get a text the day or two before hand that she is arriving on Tuesday. She would never answer what time, what do you expect or when are you leaving. Nope, too up in the air for her. She would arrive maybe on Tuesday or maybe on Wednesday and then fully expect either DH or I be available to drive her around, let her just take a car ( which would be returned with dents, trash inside, days later as she’d use to visit or travel elsewhere on her whim without paying for a rental) and she’d expect the kids to cancel their plans. We contorted ourselves, took last minute leave, kids missed practice or canceled planned activities..all to participate in the Granny Show.

We tried the don’t do this as we may not available. She ignored us. We then just had enough. The next time she pulled this, we made no changes. We didn’t take off work, the kids were not around, she had to take an uber to our house. The uber was expensive too as despite our previous pleading to fly into the airport 15 minutes from us, she could save $30 flying into the one 90 minutes, over 2 hours with rush hour. She pouted that DH went into the office. She sneered when I couldn’t cancel WFH conference calls to drive her around and when I went into the office. She acted aghast that the kids went to their EC meetings and practices. DH didn’t give her a car as he had told her the last time he wouldn’t do it again.

[Anonymous]

OP, the other place you can push back / draw a firmer boundary in the future is around the LENGTH of their visit.

For a Saturday wedding at a time when your family is busy and not in a position to host, it is INSANE for them to come Thursday and stay through Monday. Them arriving on Friday and leaving Sunday wouldn't solve all of the problems here, but cutting two nights off the visit might make you a lot less frustrated.

I'm glad you and your husband are on the same page - don't underestimate how valuable that is!

[Anonymous]

I thought this might be real until you said your husband laid down the ground rules. That didn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the other place you can push back / draw a firmer boundary in the future is around the LENGTH of their visit.

For a Saturday wedding at a time when your family is busy and not in a position to host, it is INSANE for them to come Thursday and stay through Monday. Them arriving on Friday and leaving Sunday wouldn't solve all of the problems here, but cutting two nights off the visit might make you a lot less frustrated.

I'm glad you and your husband are on the same page - don't underestimate how valuable that is!

+1 that length may make sense for a planned visit when the time worked for everyone. Random extra days does not make sense here when they are a short drive away, not like flying etc.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:lol OP I’m sorry your ILs don’t care that you hate them. Better luck next time

OP here. I don’t hate them, but I certainly don’t appreciate their behavior. They were slightly better after DH was a bit sharp with them when they criticized DD for taking a nap when visitors were there after her sleepover. DH was very direct and made them apologize to DD and apologize to me for acting up so much. They were pleasant about dinner, and I set up the coffee for them tomorrow morning, and MIL made a point to say thank you.

Right now we will continue to see them as usual, but DH and I agree that there will be no more “do us a favor visits” during busy times. Their loss.

Their behavior sounds completely normal for two older people. I’m curious what you expect or, for that matter, if you think you’ll be any different at that age! You sound convinced you are all so “busy” that you can’t acknowledge loved ones. I’m sure they notice that and question your priorities. Imagine if it were your own kids telling you one day they are too busy to cook you dinner because of “school and work,” which are everyday occurrences and don’t make you incapable of cooking. Now personally I enjoy leftover lasagna but that’s beside the point

They. Told. The. Grandparents. It. Wasn’t. A. Time. They. Could. Fully. Host.

What about that do you not get?

A clean house, clean sheets and towels, plenty of food, even if it wasn’t “preferred” food. Schedules went exactly as planned and conveyed. ILs agreed to visit on the terms clearly stated by OP and DH. And then ILs complained that it wasn’t different.

If they’re that far gone that they can’t understand information and expectations clearly conveyed, they belong in a nursing home.

I get exactly what they told the grandparents and that’s why I’m pointing out that you can tell someone whatever you want, and they can notice what that says about you.

Right, just like the ILs actions says a lot about them. High maitenance and selfish.

Just remember your kids learn how to treat you, from how you treat your parents and ILs. Not when they are behaving perfectly, but when they are being difficult.

Nobody's poor behavior should be tolerated. That's the point. Behaving entitled and cheap is not exactly something to model for your kids/grandkids.

well there’s “everybody” and then there’s family, which are two different things.

Nope. Enough of this "I can treat my family poorly and they'll have to put up with me". Entitled much?

I treat my family fine and am pretty patient with my parents because I want my kids to do the same one day for me. My parents are cheap like most people in their 70s; I accept that. And frankly I do put up with their quirks. Just as I observed them doing with their own parents and in laws. We had a really close and happy upbringing despite grandparents on both sides being occasionally wacky. I’m grateful everyone kept their senses of humor throughout. I do the same.

I always cringe at this nonsense that you put up with your parents' weird behavior so that your kids would put up with yours. How do you even come up with that? This sounds abusive. Nope. Your kids will treat you based on YOUR BEHAVIOR. If you go all bonkers, nobody's going to put up with you only because you put up with your crazy parents. Luckily younger generation is also way less conditioned to put up with unhealthy behaviors and entitlement.

Let us know how that works out for you. Seems like a lot of people expect to be perfect humans in their golden years, never cranky, lonely, hungry or bored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol OP I’m sorry your ILs don’t care that you hate them. Better luck next time

OP here. I don’t hate them, but I certainly don’t appreciate their behavior. They were slightly better after DH was a bit sharp with them when they criticized DD for taking a nap when visitors were there after her sleepover. DH was very direct and made them apologize to DD and apologize to me for acting up so much. They were pleasant about dinner, and I set up the coffee for them tomorrow morning, and MIL made a point to say thank you.

Right now we will continue to see them as usual, but DH and I agree that there will be no more “do us a favor visits” during busy times. Their loss.

Their behavior sounds completely normal for two older people. I’m curious what you expect or, for that matter, if you think you’ll be any different at that age! You sound convinced you are all so “busy” that you can’t acknowledge loved ones. I’m sure they notice that and question your priorities. Imagine if it were your own kids telling you one day they are too busy to cook you dinner because of “school and work,” which are everyday occurrences and don’t make you incapable of cooking. Now personally I enjoy leftover lasagna but that’s beside the point

They. Told. The. Grandparents. It. Wasn’t. A. Time. They. Could. Fully. Host.

What about that do you not get?

A clean house, clean sheets and towels, plenty of food, even if it wasn’t “preferred” food. Schedules went exactly as planned and conveyed. ILs agreed to visit on the terms clearly stated by OP and DH. And then ILs complained that it wasn’t different.

If they’re that far gone that they can’t understand information and expectations clearly conveyed, they belong in a nursing home.

I get exactly what they told the grandparents and that’s why I’m pointing out that you can tell someone whatever you want, and they can notice what that says about you.

Right, just like the ILs actions says a lot about them. High maitenance and selfish.

Just remember your kids learn how to treat you, from how you treat your parents and ILs. Not when they are behaving perfectly, but when they are being difficult.

Nobody's poor behavior should be tolerated. That's the point. Behaving entitled and cheap is not exactly something to model for your kids/grandkids.

well there’s “everybody” and then there’s family, which are two different things.

Nope. Enough of this "I can treat my family poorly and they'll have to put up with me". Entitled much?

I treat my family fine and am pretty patient with my parents because I want my kids to do the same one day for me. My parents are cheap like most people in their 70s; I accept that. And frankly I do put up with their quirks. Just as I observed them doing with their own parents and in laws. We had a really close and happy upbringing despite grandparents on both sides being occasionally wacky. I’m grateful everyone kept their senses of humor throughout. I do the same.

I always cringe at this nonsense that you put up with your parents' weird behavior so that your kids would put up with yours. How do you even come up with that? This sounds abusive. Nope. Your kids will treat you based on YOUR BEHAVIOR. If you go all bonkers, nobody's going to put up with you only because you put up with your crazy parents. Luckily younger generation is also way less conditioned to put up with unhealthy behaviors and entitlement.

Let us know how that works out for you. Seems like a lot of people expect to be perfect humans in their golden years, never cranky, lonely, hungry or bored.

When my teen acts out because she’s lonely, cranky, hungry or bored, I remind her to treat me and the rest of our family with courtesy and respect. I don’t accept disrespect from anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol OP I’m sorry your ILs don’t care that you hate them. Better luck next time

OP here. I don’t hate them, but I certainly don’t appreciate their behavior. They were slightly better after DH was a bit sharp with them when they criticized DD for taking a nap when visitors were there after her sleepover. DH was very direct and made them apologize to DD and apologize to me for acting up so much. They were pleasant about dinner, and I set up the coffee for them tomorrow morning, and MIL made a point to say thank you.

Right now we will continue to see them as usual, but DH and I agree that there will be no more “do us a favor visits” during busy times. Their loss.

Their behavior sounds completely normal for two older people. I’m curious what you expect or, for that matter, if you think you’ll be any different at that age! You sound convinced you are all so “busy” that you can’t acknowledge loved ones. I’m sure they notice that and question your priorities. Imagine if it were your own kids telling you one day they are too busy to cook you dinner because of “school and work,” which are everyday occurrences and don’t make you incapable of cooking. Now personally I enjoy leftover lasagna but that’s beside the point

They. Told. The. Grandparents. It. Wasn’t. A. Time. They. Could. Fully. Host.

What about that do you not get?

A clean house, clean sheets and towels, plenty of food, even if it wasn’t “preferred” food. Schedules went exactly as planned and conveyed. ILs agreed to visit on the terms clearly stated by OP and DH. And then ILs complained that it wasn’t different.

If they’re that far gone that they can’t understand information and expectations clearly conveyed, they belong in a nursing home.

I get exactly what they told the grandparents and that’s why I’m pointing out that you can tell someone whatever you want, and they can notice what that says about you.

Right, just like the ILs actions says a lot about them. High maitenance and selfish.

Just remember your kids learn how to treat you, from how you treat your parents and ILs. Not when they are behaving perfectly, but when they are being difficult.

Nobody's poor behavior should be tolerated. That's the point. Behaving entitled and cheap is not exactly something to model for your kids/grandkids.

well there’s “everybody” and then there’s family, which are two different things.

Nope. Enough of this "I can treat my family poorly and they'll have to put up with me". Entitled much?

I treat my family fine and am pretty patient with my parents because I want my kids to do the same one day for me. My parents are cheap like most people in their 70s; I accept that. And frankly I do put up with their quirks. Just as I observed them doing with their own parents and in laws. We had a really close and happy upbringing despite grandparents on both sides being occasionally wacky. I’m grateful everyone kept their senses of humor throughout. I do the same.

I always cringe at this nonsense that you put up with your parents' weird behavior so that your kids would put up with yours. How do you even come up with that? This sounds abusive. Nope. Your kids will treat you based on YOUR BEHAVIOR. If you go all bonkers, nobody's going to put up with you only because you put up with your crazy parents. Luckily younger generation is also way less conditioned to put up with unhealthy behaviors and entitlement.

Let us know how that works out for you. Seems like a lot of people expect to be perfect humans in their golden years, never cranky, lonely, hungry or bored.

When my teen acts out because she’s lonely, cranky, hungry or bored, I remind her to treat me and the rest of our family with courtesy and respect. I don’t accept disrespect from anyone.

Good for you, neither do I. I also do not feel disrespected whatsoever when someone teases my teen for being tired or asks why we are having lasagna again. It’s just a different way to handle daily interactions and not be bothered by everything

[Anonymous]

I completely sympathize, OP. My father is always asking to stay until Monday morning when he comes to visit even though I have made it extremely clear that it is very much dispreferred and inconvenient for us. We have 3 kids in elementary school and need Sunday evening post-kid bedtime to plan for the next week. Monday mornings are always insane and adding my father to the mix (where is breakfast? how do I use your coffee maker? can someone help me with my bags? why isn't oldest up yet?) pushes us over the edge. Still. He makes it a big deal every time. Claims it will be different this time. He'll be no trouble on Monday morning. Ha! After falling for it repeatedly, we have now put down a firm boundary. No. You must leave Sunday evening.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why you're confused. They're inconsiderate and unable to understand the pressures on your time. They thought they could change your plans. It is not surprising though it's inconsiderate. I'd say it probably comes from a good place. Keep your boundaries; let go of the grudges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely sympathize, OP. My father is always asking to stay until Monday morning when he comes to visit even though I have made it extremely clear that it is very much dispreferred and inconvenient for us. We have 3 kids in elementary school and need Sunday evening post-kid bedtime to plan for the next week. Monday mornings are always insane and adding my father to the mix (where is breakfast? how do I use your coffee maker? can someone help me with my bags? why isn't oldest up yet?) pushes us over the edge. Still. He makes it a big deal every time. Claims it will be different this time. He'll be no trouble on Monday morning. Ha! After falling for it repeatedly, we have now put down a firm boundary. No. You must leave Sunday evening.

The people who say they will be no trouble (I'm easy!) are always the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol OP I’m sorry your ILs don’t care that you hate them. Better luck next time

OP here. I don’t hate them, but I certainly don’t appreciate their behavior. They were slightly better after DH was a bit sharp with them when they criticized DD for taking a nap when visitors were there after her sleepover. DH was very direct and made them apologize to DD and apologize to me for acting up so much. They were pleasant about dinner, and I set up the coffee for them tomorrow morning, and MIL made a point to say thank you.

Right now we will continue to see them as usual, but DH and I agree that there will be no more “do us a favor visits” during busy times. Their loss.

Their behavior sounds completely normal for two older people. I’m curious what you expect or, for that matter, if you think you’ll be any different at that age! You sound convinced you are all so “busy” that you can’t acknowledge loved ones. I’m sure they notice that and question your priorities. Imagine if it were your own kids telling you one day they are too busy to cook you dinner because of “school and work,” which are everyday occurrences and don’t make you incapable of cooking. Now personally I enjoy leftover lasagna but that’s beside the point

They. Told. The. Grandparents. It. Wasn’t. A. Time. They. Could. Fully. Host.

What about that do you not get?

A clean house, clean sheets and towels, plenty of food, even if it wasn’t “preferred” food. Schedules went exactly as planned and conveyed. ILs agreed to visit on the terms clearly stated by OP and DH. And then ILs complained that it wasn’t different.

If they’re that far gone that they can’t understand information and expectations clearly conveyed, they belong in a nursing home.

I get exactly what they told the grandparents and that’s why I’m pointing out that you can tell someone whatever you want, and they can notice what that says about you.

Right, just like the ILs actions says a lot about them. High maitenance and selfish.

Just remember your kids learn how to treat you, from how you treat your parents and ILs. Not when they are behaving perfectly, but when they are being difficult.

Nobody's poor behavior should be tolerated. That's the point. Behaving entitled and cheap is not exactly something to model for your kids/grandkids.

well there’s “everybody” and then there’s family, which are two different things.

Nope. Enough of this "I can treat my family poorly and they'll have to put up with me". Entitled much?

I treat my family fine and am pretty patient with my parents because I want my kids to do the same one day for me. My parents are cheap like most people in their 70s; I accept that. And frankly I do put up with their quirks. Just as I observed them doing with their own parents and in laws. We had a really close and happy upbringing despite grandparents on both sides being occasionally wacky. I’m grateful everyone kept their senses of humor throughout. I do the same.

I always cringe at this nonsense that you put up with your parents' weird behavior so that your kids would put up with yours. How do you even come up with that? This sounds abusive. Nope. Your kids will treat you based on YOUR BEHAVIOR. If you go all bonkers, nobody's going to put up with you only because you put up with your crazy parents. Luckily younger generation is also way less conditioned to put up with unhealthy behaviors and entitlement.

Let us know how that works out for you. Seems like a lot of people expect to be perfect humans in their golden years, never cranky, lonely, hungry or bored.

When my teen acts out because she’s lonely, cranky, hungry or bored, I remind her to treat me and the rest of our family with courtesy and respect. I don’t accept disrespect from anyone.

Good for you, neither do I. I also do not feel disrespected whatsoever when someone teases my teen for being tired or asks why we are having lasagna again. It’s just a different way to handle daily interactions and not be bothered by everything

If this were one or two comments, you’d have a leg to stand on. But you don’t, because it was a litany of complaints.

Let me guess, you find yourself saying, “Geesh, it was just a JOKE” a lot…