Girlfriend Says My Kids Are Mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here. I have two daughters, 17 and 18, who are good kids but not exactly warm toward my girlfriend. There’s been eye-rolling, mocking, and some rude comments, and my girlfriend of 1.5 yos feels like they’re being mean to her. She’s said she needs a break from the situation because it’s been really hurtful for her.

My view has been that they’re teenagers dealing with a complicated situation, and I’ve been inclined to let things slide rather than turn it into a bigger conflict. I don’t think they’re bad kids, but I also don’t want to force anything or escalate things with them.

I’m looking for some perspective on how to balance giving my daughters grace while also being fair to my girlfriend and her feelings.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

You need to teach your daughters that it's not OK to mock people or make fun of people, regardless of who they are. You should have been teaching them this their entire life. No time like the present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These kids aren’t adults or near adults. Surprised by people saying that. They’re still kids and will be for a few more years, especially in today’s time.

Of course an 18yo is an adult and a 17yo is near an adult. And in today’s time? What world are you living in that a 18yo is a kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't assume these girls "love their father and will understand." I know 2 adult women who are over the age of 50 who still can't be polite to their stepmoms of 20+ years.

Yup!

I have two stepsons.

I would NEVER date a man with daughters. Too complicated. And I'm a total girls girl. I just think that dynamic is inherently complicated. You're never going to win as the stepmom to daughters.

Well, I do have one friend who is nice to her stepmom. But that's rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to teach your daughters that it's not OK to mock people or make fun of people, regardless of who they are. You should have been teaching them this their entire life. No time like the present.

But it is okay to coerce people to spend time with your partner when they really don't want to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These kids aren’t adults or near adults. Surprised by people saying that. They’re still kids and will be for a few more years, especially in today’s time.

Of course an 18yo is an adult and a 17yo is near an adult. And in today’s time? What world are you living in that a 18yo is a kid?

Do they act like adults? Do they live like adults? Are they treated like adults by their parents, teachers, and moms on the college forum, nooo

[Anonymous]

I am a super functional 48 year old who still has a pretty perfect marriage of 25 years, super healthy relationship, happy relationship with my parents, exceptionally successful and fruitful career....

and yes, i gave astounding amounts of attitude to my parents as an 18 year old, just for regular parent stuff. And we had a pretty healthy stable home. So yeah, if i was mad at my parents for blowing up our entire stable home, and on top of that they started bringing home SOs and expected me to deal with it..... you can bet I would have been horrific. Kids who just

Point being that the behavior described by OP is both objectively terrible and rude, and also completely developmentally normal. I dont understand why adults can't just not date for 8 years. It just seems like the natural consequences of the divorce. Sometimes grownups don't get to do everything they want to do.

[Anonymous]

Say you were an adult with an adult roommate, and your roommate really disliked your girlfriend. But your girlfriend really really wanted to come into your home and spend time with your roommate. Not just you, your roommate. Would you continue to facilitate this despite your roommate's obvious resistance? Think about it before you play the adult age card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend is not asking to be crowned queen of the castle. She’s just asking not to feel like the villain every time she walks in the room. That’s reasonable. Nobody signs up to feel unwelcome in the home of the person they love.

At the same time, teens will be teens so they may not even realize what they're doing (except I'm sure they do, at least on some level). So here's the move...

You don’t punish.
You don’t lecture.
You don’t make it a courtroom.
You just get real clear.

Something like:
“Hey, I get that this situation’s weird and you don’t have to love it. You don’t have to love her. But you do have to be respectful. That’s the price of entry in this house.”

Your daughters love you and they want you to be happy and they'll understand why this is important to you.

I would absolutely not say that being respectful is the price of entry to this house? Do you want them to leave your house?

I’d say- this is how civilized people behave and I know you are more than just civilized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a super functional 48 year old who still has a pretty perfect marriage of 25 years, super healthy relationship, happy relationship with my parents, exceptionally successful and fruitful career....

and yes, i gave astounding amounts of attitude to my parents as an 18 year old, just for regular parent stuff. And we had a pretty healthy stable home. So yeah, if i was mad at my parents for blowing up our entire stable home, and on top of that they started bringing home SOs and expected me to deal with it..... you can bet I would have been horrific. Kids who just

Point being that the behavior described by OP is both objectively terrible and rude, and also completely developmentally normal. I dont understand why adults can't just not date for 8 years. It just seems like the natural consequences of the divorce. Sometimes grownups don't get to do everything they want to do.

It’s normal for children to give their parents sh*t. It’s very poor and abnormal behavior when kids give other adults shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your girlfriend, I would not tolerate this situation.

And if I were your kids, I'd make dad pay for breaking up my home for the rest of his life.

You don't need a "girlfriend" now OP. You have daughters who will be out of your house in about a year. Surely you can put your lovelife on hold until then, and give them the father they need before they go out on their own, believing that all men will eventually dump them and come up with a shiny new toy.

He’s been divorced for 8 years. Come on. Very few people are going to live like monks or nuns for that long.

Where does he say that? I don't think anyone's expecting celibacy. The question is why he needs his girlfriend to be spending time with his kids, at all. And also, what is the difficult situation mentioned in the original post?

The girlfriend is likely naive about teen behavior. Teens roll their eyes at everyone. It's not uncommon and you shouldn't be dating a divorced man if you can't handle it.

OP, you need to take seriously any legitimate complaint your kids may have. If the girlfriend is your AP they will never accept her. And if she's much younger than you, they will never accept her. And if she has unrealistic behavior expectations it will not go well.

You can get a new relationship but they can never have a re-do on an intact family. She will always be an interloper. They may stop being rude, but it will never be a normal family. Accept it.

My tween and teen girls do not roll their eyes at anyone.

Oh they do. There's a lot of stuff you don't see them do but they still do it.

That’s the point - normal teens don’t openly sass people who are not their parents. These kids do.

[Anonymous]

If you were serious about your girlfriend, you would address the behavior with your girls. My take is you know this is not a serious long term relationship that will lead to marriage, so you’re not doing anything to address it and letting your girlfriend take the lead on leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your girlfriend, I would not tolerate this situation.

And if I were your kids, I'd make dad pay for breaking up my home for the rest of his life.

You don't need a "girlfriend" now OP. You have daughters who will be out of your house in about a year. Surely you can put your lovelife on hold until then, and give them the father they need before they go out on their own, believing that all men will eventually dump them and come up with a shiny new toy.

He’s been divorced for 8 years. Come on. Very few people are going to live like monks or nuns for that long.

Where does he say that? I don't think anyone's expecting celibacy. The question is why he needs his girlfriend to be spending time with his kids, at all. And also, what is the difficult situation mentioned in the original post?

The girlfriend is likely naive about teen behavior. Teens roll their eyes at everyone. It's not uncommon and you shouldn't be dating a divorced man if you can't handle it.

OP, you need to take seriously any legitimate complaint your kids may have. If the girlfriend is your AP they will never accept her. And if she's much younger than you, they will never accept her. And if she has unrealistic behavior expectations it will not go well.

You can get a new relationship but they can never have a re-do on an intact family. She will always be an interloper. They may stop being rude, but it will never be a normal family. Accept it.

My tween and teen girls do not roll their eyes at anyone.

Oh they do. There's a lot of stuff you don't see them do but they still do it.

That’s the point - normal teens don’t openly sass people who are not their parents. These kids do.

But they normally do get sassy about new partners after divorce. This is not just any random non-parent person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend is not asking to be crowned queen of the castle. She’s just asking not to feel like the villain every time she walks in the room. That’s reasonable. Nobody signs up to feel unwelcome in the home of the person they love.

At the same time, teens will be teens so they may not even realize what they're doing (except I'm sure they do, at least on some level). So here's the move...

You don’t punish.
You don’t lecture.
You don’t make it a courtroom.
You just get real clear.

Something like:
“Hey, I get that this situation’s weird and you don’t have to love it. You don’t have to love her. But you do have to be respectful. That’s the price of entry in this house.”

Your daughters love you and they want you to be happy and they'll understand why this is important to you.

Totally agree with this.

I assume you’re divorced op? How long has it been?

Its been 8 years

And how many girl friends have your 17 and 18yo met?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These kids aren’t adults or near adults. Surprised by people saying that. They’re still kids and will be for a few more years, especially in today’s time.

Of course an 18yo is an adult and a 17yo is near an adult. And in today’s time? What world are you living in that a 18yo is a kid?

Do they act like adults? Do they live like adults? Are they treated like adults by their parents, teachers, and moms on the college forum, nooo

You are truly what is wrong with this area. An 18yo is an adult. Period.