People love saying they’re inclusive of neurodiversity and disability. They’re not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of DC1 with ASD1 and DC2 who’s not on the spectrum, the biggest room for growth I see is how other people treat me as a mom. Autistic DC is good at masking, but occasionally lashes out. People who met me through DC1 treat me with contempt. They assume I’m a bad parent and therefore a bad person. It’s worse than any bullying I experienced in middle school. It’s wild.

DC2 is sweet and charismatic. People who meet me through DC2 are eager to befriend our family. I’m popular among the kindergarten families, but a social pariah among the second grade families. Yes, we hide DC1 until they know us.

Liberal people who claim to be “inclusive” may be advocating for my child to get services, but are openly rude to me in the hall. That needs to change. You can be nice to the mom of a difficult kid and not invite that child to a birthday party.

I’ve had a similar experience. It can be really socially isolating. People absolutely assume I’m a bad mom.
I actually ended up sending my younger children to Catholic school while my ASD child remained in public where he has services. I’m probably overall more involved in the school where my oldest goes because I’m just there a lot with his stuff, but our social life and weekends are with the Catholic school parents who are nice to us.

I don’t think all people think ASD parents are bad parents. I was always very friendly with the ASD parents, as were the other parents in my child’s classes. But friction was always in the air, and I do think the ASD parents felt that. I reached my limit when coming out of school one day, every single child reported that the 10-year-old boy had thrown — not my child who was his age — but my 5-year-old on the ground and held him down. I was livid. Who was to blame? If I was struggling as an adult, he must’ve been really struggling. I didn’t want to blame him. But also, the teacher’s can’t isolate a child, they can’t prevent every incident. The parents were trying their best. No one was to blame for my 5-year-old being thrown down? Disciplinary measures were taken and additional preventative measures put in place. But I was still really upset. The parents stopped talking to me, and I didn’t go out of my way to start.

Probably the parents of ASD2 kids. ASD1 kids are often the kids who appear to be just jerks. People are really kind to a friend of mine who has a nonverbal child who tantrums. They can see the disability. Because people can’t see my child’s disability beyond misbehavior, they assume it’s just misbehavior.

But let’s do a thought experiment. What if my DC really was just a glass bowl? What if I was doing my best and he really was a sociopath? Would I deserve to be cut off from my community? Isolated? If we didn’t have DC2 as proof that we’re good parents, I’m not sure how we would make friends. And that’s discrimination. Even if we were bad parents—which two different providers at two different facilities have confirmed that we’re not—we are humans. We have feelings. People can chit chat with us without subjecting their children to ours. To exclude us shows that people are not inclusive, because we have done nothing wrong. That’s the point of the thread.

Most parents and schools draw the line at aggressive behavior, physical threats or incidents, and violence.

Then no one cares if the kid is an abuse victim, autistic, or a sociopath, they will be avoided until told to leave or zero attacks or accidents occur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting aggressively with a "you need to hear this" message is not going to get you anywhere. It will only create an even larger space between other families and yourself, only this time not because of your child but because of how angry, unhinged, and self-centered his/her parent seems.

You’re right. In your mind everything is equal for everyone regardless of disability status. The NT parents should stop making a big deal just like brown people should stop demanding more inclusion and equality.

If you can’t tell PP, you’re part of the problem. Sure, NT kids get left out too. But at the macro level we have a real problem with the way society treats brown people and people with disabilities.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not on the spectrum, and I wasn’t invited to a ton of parties as a kid probably because I was a shy, chubby kid. I wasn’t mean or demanding, I was just super quiet. I don’t think it was because the other kids hated me, they just didn’t think of me when putting their lists together. Nobody owed me an invite. Going to birthday parties isn’t a human right. It’s just a bonus.

Life isn’t fair. There isn’t equality. My immigrant parents taught me that from a very early age. Don’t expect it and you won’t be disappointed.

Have you tried to make a community with other kids with disabilities? That is very much a community, and you can have the parties be as accessible as you all need—low lights, low music, etc. so your child can enjoy the party on their terms.

I’m not trying to say “you go here, we go there” at ALL. I’m just saying that if it isn’t happening naturally, instead of getting angry and resentful, you figure something else out. That’s what I’ve done when I’ve been left out and what I tell my own kids to do when they’ve been left out in the past.

You can get super resentful or get creative.

It’s just so stark because I have one of each. In one grade, I’m a full citizen. In another grade, for reasons that I’ve spent thousands trying to overcome, some people can’t even meet the basic standards of politeness. I’m not asking for a new best friend. I’m asking for a lack of social rejection based on something that is happening *to* me. Remember, I am not autistic. I am *related* to someone who is autistic. People treated me quite well before I had kids. I remember being normal. My life had been forever changed and people make it worse by punishing me for things beyond my control. Then some of them put out yard signs that trumpet “kindness is everything”.

Yes, having handicapped children is tough.
Join. Support group, nami group, special
Olympics, and other things for support when you need it.

Hopefully your spouse is helpful too and can provide respite to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, pushing your kid into environments where they are uncomfortable and act out because you want to feel ‘normal’ is not fair to your kid or other families.

There are so many ND affirming events/clubs/outings now compared to years passed where your kid can actually be accepted and included, I’m worried you are actually ashamed of the diagnosis and attempting to live in denial.

+1000

This. Work with a doctor to come up with ways to avoid the overwhelm, stonewall, stimming, or lashing out stages for your child.

[Anonymous]

My kid is the quiet child. Slightly on the spectrum, and very shy. He doesn't throw tantrums, incredibly polite, and happy to chat if someone would just include him. He doesn't get the invite to anywhere either.

Lots of left-ist parents at our school who speak about acceptance and inclusion, but really, it's not like that.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids, both NT. And I don’t really have any true mom friends.

So they may not be excluding you for the reason you assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m putting this in the relationship forum and not the Kids with Special Needs forum because you need to hear this. Most parents on the other forum already know the following to be the case.

I’m absolutely sick of people in this area, that vote left and love to talk about the benefits of D&I, say that they’re inclusive of neurodivergent individuals. They’re not. They and their children can’t handle literally anything that’s different. There’s invitations for playdates. No reciprocated family invites. Nothing.

You’re free to not invite my child and me on your outings. But really, don’t tow the D&I line and while you’re at it, may as well vote for conservatives and try to save some of your tax dollars. Because everything you think you believe and stand for is just value signaling.

I am from Westchester NY. I am a liberal, but to be honest liberals aren't always who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s DEI.

I think you need to work this out with a therapist.

The E stands for equity and it’s more a function of making sure there’s equal pay in the workplace. Not really the point the post is trying to make which is children being included.

Equity is important in school because some kids get an hour of reading lesson and some people get an hour and a half because that’s what they need. That is equity.

Equity would be giving everyone an hour and a half whether they need it or not.

No that is equality. Equity is giving everyone what they need to be on the same level. Equality is giving everyone the same resources.

So dumb 2/3s of everyone down whilst focusing only on the bottom third. Got it. Equity.

And I suppose your little crotchdumps are in the top third. Oh, woe is you.

Also, you POS, my ASD child is wicked smart and doesn’t need anything dumbed down for her. Nor does she have tantrums or “accidents”. The only thing she doesn’t get is unkind people. She’s better than you in literally every way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not on the spectrum, and I wasn’t invited to a ton of parties as a kid probably because I was a shy, chubby kid. I wasn’t mean or demanding, I was just super quiet. I don’t think it was because the other kids hated me, they just didn’t think of me when putting their lists together. Nobody owed me an invite. Going to birthday parties isn’t a human right. It’s just a bonus.

Life isn’t fair. There isn’t equality. My immigrant parents taught me that from a very early age. Don’t expect it and you won’t be disappointed.

Have you tried to make a community with other kids with disabilities? That is very much a community, and you can have the parties be as accessible as you all need—low lights, low music, etc. so your child can enjoy the party on their terms.

I’m not trying to say “you go here, we go there” at ALL. I’m just saying that if it isn’t happening naturally, instead of getting angry and resentful, you figure something else out. That’s what I’ve done when I’ve been left out and what I tell my own kids to do when they’ve been left out in the past.

You can get super resentful or get creative.

It’s just so stark because I have one of each. In one grade, I’m a full citizen. In another grade, for reasons that I’ve spent thousands trying to overcome, some people can’t even meet the basic standards of politeness. I’m not asking for a new best friend. I’m asking for a lack of social rejection based on something that is happening *to* me. Remember, I am not autistic. I am *related* to someone who is autistic. People treated me quite well before I had kids. I remember being normal. My life had been forever changed and people make it worse by punishing me for things beyond my control. Then some of them put out yard signs that trumpet “kindness is everything”.

No one is punishing you and no one owes you anything. The victim complex (you're not a victim, BTW) is off-putting.

+1 This victimese nonsense is really offputting. "my kid is disabled so you owe meeee!!!" No, we don't. Nobody does. And you acting entitled and calling people out on their politics reveals exactly why you have no friends.

Why does no one owe OP anything while she is caring for a SN child? Is she supposed to have some kind of special knowledge on how to do this? Does she get paid for it somehow?
Why are she and her spouse supposed to do this alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of DC1 with ASD1 and DC2 who’s not on the spectrum, the biggest room for growth I see is how other people treat me as a mom. Autistic DC is good at masking, but occasionally lashes out. People who met me through DC1 treat me with contempt. They assume I’m a bad parent and therefore a bad person. It’s worse than any bullying I experienced in middle school. It’s wild.

DC2 is sweet and charismatic. People who meet me through DC2 are eager to befriend our family. I’m popular among the kindergarten families, but a social pariah among the second grade families. Yes, we hide DC1 until they know us.

Liberal people who claim to be “inclusive” may be advocating for my child to get services, but are openly rude to me in the hall. That needs to change. You can be nice to the mom of a difficult kid and not invite that child to a birthday party.

I’ve had a similar experience. It can be really socially isolating. People absolutely assume I’m a bad mom.
I actually ended up sending my younger children to Catholic school while my ASD child remained in public where he has services. I’m probably overall more involved in the school where my oldest goes because I’m just there a lot with his stuff, but our social life and weekends are with the Catholic school parents who are nice to us.

I don’t think all people think ASD parents are bad parents. I was always very friendly with the ASD parents, as were the other parents in my child’s classes. But friction was always in the air, and I do think the ASD parents felt that. I reached my limit when coming out of school one day, every single child reported that the 10-year-old boy had thrown — not my child who was his age — but my 5-year-old on the ground and held him down. I was livid. Who was to blame? If I was struggling as an adult, he must’ve been really struggling. I didn’t want to blame him. But also, the teacher’s can’t isolate a child, they can’t prevent every incident. The parents were trying their best. No one was to blame for my 5-year-old being thrown down? Disciplinary measures were taken and additional preventative measures put in place. But I was still really upset. The parents stopped talking to me, and I didn’t go out of my way to start.

Probably the parents of ASD2 kids. ASD1 kids are often the kids who appear to be just jerks. People are really kind to a friend of mine who has a nonverbal child who tantrums. They can see the disability. Because people can’t see my child’s disability beyond misbehavior, they assume it’s just misbehavior.

But let’s do a thought experiment. What if my DC really was just a glass bowl? What if I was doing my best and he really was a sociopath? Would I deserve to be cut off from my community? Isolated? If we didn’t have DC2 as proof that we’re good parents, I’m not sure how we would make friends. And that’s discrimination. Even if we were bad parents—which two different providers at two different facilities have confirmed that we’re not—we are humans. We have feelings. People can chit chat with us without subjecting their children to ours. To exclude us shows that people are not inclusive, because we have done nothing wrong. That’s the point of the thread.

Most parents and schools draw the line at aggressive behavior, physical threats or incidents, and violence.

Then no one cares if the kid is an abuse victim, autistic, or a sociopath, they will be avoided until told to leave or zero attacks or accidents occur.

I get that, I truly do. I even support it. Violence merits social consequences. But parents and siblings are often unfairly ostracized as well.

What did my preschooler do to deserve having a play date cancelled? His older brother whined at a party in an age-inappropriate way. That’s it. We got out of there as soon as we could, but the damage was done. The family was miraculously never available again. That’s just wrong. My preschooler couldn’t help who his brother is. My older dc wasn’t even going to be in the house during the playdate as it was scheduled during the school day. They are so many similar stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s DEI.

I think you need to work this out with a therapist.

The E stands for equity and it’s more a function of making sure there’s equal pay in the workplace. Not really the point the post is trying to make which is children being included.

Equity is important in school because some kids get an hour of reading lesson and some people get an hour and a half because that’s what they need. That is equity.

Equity would be giving everyone an hour and a half whether they need it or not.

No that is equality. Equity is giving everyone what they need to be on the same level. Equality is giving everyone the same resources.

So dumb 2/3s of everyone down whilst focusing only on the bottom third. Got it. Equity.

And I suppose your little crotchdumps are in the top third. Oh, woe is you.

Also, you POS, my ASD child is wicked smart and doesn’t need anything dumbed down for her. Nor does she have tantrums or “accidents”. The only thing she doesn’t get is unkind people. She’s better than you in literally every way.

If she’s rude like you then she has a ton of work to do.

[Anonymous]

I guess I just don't really get OPs point. One of DS' best friends has behavioral problems. I don't know the full extent of his dx. Are get togethers with him more stressful? Yes. But I've figured out what works and what doesn't and we've adapted to what makes things run smooth. There is another kid in DS' class with behavioral problems who we tried to do get togethers with but he was too aggressive with DS. I can try to be as accommodating and understanding, but at the end of the day, I'm going to protect my kid.

I'm also not going to force my kid to hang out with someone they have no shared interests with, and that goes for NT kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of DC1 with ASD1 and DC2 who’s not on the spectrum, the biggest room for growth I see is how other people treat me as a mom. Autistic DC is good at masking, but occasionally lashes out. People who met me through DC1 treat me with contempt. They assume I’m a bad parent and therefore a bad person. It’s worse than any bullying I experienced in middle school. It’s wild.

DC2 is sweet and charismatic. People who meet me through DC2 are eager to befriend our family. I’m popular among the kindergarten families, but a social pariah among the second grade families. Yes, we hide DC1 until they know us.

Liberal people who claim to be “inclusive” may be advocating for my child to get services, but are openly rude to me in the hall. That needs to change. You can be nice to the mom of a difficult kid and not invite that child to a birthday party.

I’ve had a similar experience. It can be really socially isolating. People absolutely assume I’m a bad mom.
I actually ended up sending my younger children to Catholic school while my ASD child remained in public where he has services. I’m probably overall more involved in the school where my oldest goes because I’m just there a lot with his stuff, but our social life and weekends are with the Catholic school parents who are nice to us.

I don’t think all people think ASD parents are bad parents. I was always very friendly with the ASD parents, as were the other parents in my child’s classes. But friction was always in the air, and I do think the ASD parents felt that. I reached my limit when coming out of school one day, every single child reported that the 10-year-old boy had thrown — not my child who was his age — but my 5-year-old on the ground and held him down. I was livid. Who was to blame? If I was struggling as an adult, he must’ve been really struggling. I didn’t want to blame him. But also, the teacher’s can’t isolate a child, they can’t prevent every incident. The parents were trying their best. No one was to blame for my 5-year-old being thrown down? Disciplinary measures were taken and additional preventative measures put in place. But I was still really upset. The parents stopped talking to me, and I didn’t go out of my way to start.

Isn’t autism highly genetic?

Most autistic parents were not diagnosed and thus don’t think their autistic child has any symptoms or issues whatsoever.

Trying being the kid’s homeroom teacher and pussyfooting around that at the parent/teacher conferences.

Why do teachers do this? Do they teach you how to pussyfoot when you get your teaching certification?
It wasn’t until my child was in a homeschool co-op with a non-certified teacher that I actually heard what was going on with him at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not on the spectrum, and I wasn’t invited to a ton of parties as a kid probably because I was a shy, chubby kid. I wasn’t mean or demanding, I was just super quiet. I don’t think it was because the other kids hated me, they just didn’t think of me when putting their lists together. Nobody owed me an invite. Going to birthday parties isn’t a human right. It’s just a bonus.

Life isn’t fair. There isn’t equality. My immigrant parents taught me that from a very early age. Don’t expect it and you won’t be disappointed.

Have you tried to make a community with other kids with disabilities? That is very much a community, and you can have the parties be as accessible as you all need—low lights, low music, etc. so your child can enjoy the party on their terms.

I’m not trying to say “you go here, we go there” at ALL. I’m just saying that if it isn’t happening naturally, instead of getting angry and resentful, you figure something else out. That’s what I’ve done when I’ve been left out and what I tell my own kids to do when they’ve been left out in the past.

You can get super resentful or get creative.

It’s just so stark because I have one of each. In one grade, I’m a full citizen. In another grade, for reasons that I’ve spent thousands trying to overcome, some people can’t even meet the basic standards of politeness. I’m not asking for a new best friend. I’m asking for a lack of social rejection based on something that is happening *to* me. Remember, I am not autistic. I am *related* to someone who is autistic. People treated me quite well before I had kids. I remember being normal. My life had been forever changed and people make it worse by punishing me for things beyond my control. Then some of them put out yard signs that trumpet “kindness is everything”.

No one is punishing you and no one owes you anything. The victim complex (you're not a victim, BTW) is off-putting.

+1 This victimese nonsense is really offputting. "my kid is disabled so you owe meeee!!!" No, we don't. Nobody does. And you acting entitled and calling people out on their politics reveals exactly why you have no friends.

Why does no one owe OP anything while she is caring for a SN child? Is she supposed to have some kind of special knowledge on how to do this? Does she get paid for it somehow?
Why are she and her spouse supposed to do this alone?

No one owes anyone anything. But you'll definitely push people away by having this attitude that pp described.

[Anonymous]

No one is obligated to be your friend.