DH can’t handle being a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Been there done that. This is not as uncommon as you think. I figured you knew this before you had a baby. I am being serious. Men don't do the same as women...maybe a rare man does but it is certainly not the norm.

Sounds like you only know losers. My DH has probably changed more diapers than me. Heck even my Boomer dad started changing diapers once the babies were 6 months+ and he started babysitting solo.

This. I had a c-section with our twins so my husband did all the diapers for the first few weeks. We both took care of them the same amount (they were bottle fed). When I went back to work he was alone with them in the morning and he figured it out. He didn't ask me how to do things because they were my first babies as well - why would I know any more than he would?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

OP.

1. This is a parenting board. Most of us have parented newborns. We have also seen what comes three months from now, three years from now, etc.

2. I remember being very angry the first month of my child’s life. People commented on it, but i thought they were crazy. They weren’t. My hormones were off. I was stressed. I was exhausted. It resolved itself naturally within a few months.

Your post reeks of unresolved anger and resentment. I’m sure that this is coming across in your interactions with DH who is probably also tired. If you truly think that your hormones are fine, then you are choosing to be angry and you can stop. Think about that. Either it’s sleep deprivation/stress/hormones, or it’s a choice.

3. If you can’t control your resentment, you need to talk to your OB. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger will not make the situation better. You cannot control DH. You can only control how you react to him. Manage your anger, THEN schedule some time where he is in charge of the baby.

4. If you can control your anger, then you need to do so. Yes, DH is performing suboptimally in one aspect of your new life. It’s not ideal. Your anger still will not make the situation better. You still can only control how you react to him. As I said in #3, manage your anger, THEN schedule some time when he is in charge of the baby.

Don’t ruin the good thing you have because it’s not perfect. You can both be compassionate and hold him to a higher standard.

I don’t have anger. I’m disappointed.


He’s not tired when he sleeps a full 8 hours a night. He has done nearly zero for our child. It’s great that he cooks us dinner and cleans up but that’s only a couple times a week. I’m still doing all of the parenting with him spending maybe 20 minute holding our son once a day.

You just sound so angry. Can you afford someone to come in and assist with the baby?

You’re missing the point. I shouldn’t have to hire help because my husband refuses to be a parent. It’s his responsibility. For a forum so pro women, you all aren’t acting like it. Why should I bear the full responsibility of caring for a child we both made? I’m learning so that’s no excuse. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a man.

Instead of talking to him about this, you are just posting screeds. It won’t improve your situation or make you feel better about it.

Oh shut it.

OP—I’m on your side. And your anger is valid

DP. So what's your suggestion? Just validate her so she gets angrier at her husband and ends up more miserable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. Having a new baby is so hard. the weight of responsibility when it's just you is so crushing.

We just had a baby ten weeks ago and for the first maybe eight weeks my husband was a bit useless at handling the baby. He was super fussy and cried all the time and husband didn't know how to soothe him. He even referred to him as "Satan baby" lol. As baby grew older and bigger, my husband became more confident at handling him. I hope this will be the same for you. Just show the husband what you do to soothe the baby, how to rock the baby, etc. he will get more confident with time.

Why does she have to show the husband what to do? I’m a mom and I didn’t magically know all that when my baby was born. I learned it thru effort, trial and error, reading books, watching videos, asking friends, etc.

A man has a brain and he can figure out how to take care of a baby if he wants to. I did not have a baby just to get another child for a husband.

OP, pack a bag, pump some milk and leave DC with Dad for 12 hours every other day until he figures it out.

This x 1000

Having a vagina doesn't mean you know more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has only been three weeks! This is a major life adjustment and it has only been three weeks. It sounds like he is really trying to help in how he knows best.

Be nice for goodness sake. He life just got turned upside down and he is nervous about this little tiny human. Neither of you will be perfect parents. It won’t happen. You will both make mistress. Give the guy a break.

And separately many men are bad with newborns. They get better.

I was an awful dad at four weeks. Years later, I'm 100% the primary parent. They really are very different skills.

The school year is ending and my kids are in HS, and I’m getting nostalgic. The newborn phase is so intense but also probably the shortest of phases. As this PP noted, it the skills are different t over time and The required skills keep changing. Yes, OP’s husband should be more involved but it’s completely ridiculous to write him off like this 1 month in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

But he is doing stuff. There is more to parenting than just carrying and feeding a baby. Geez. You are in for a long road. Stop being angry. Ask him if he needs help and then just go for a walk. Things will end and flow for the next 18 years! There will be times he does more and you do less. Calm down.

My husband does all the sports stuff. Thanks goodness.

“Sports stuff” is optional. Feeding your child is not. I’m embarrassed for you that you made such a terrible argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, caring for an infant is not "being a parent". If he is picking up all the other slack right now and letting you be the primary infant carer, it doesn't mean he sucks as a parent. Newborns are newborns for a matter of months. Not every great parent is great at every stage, and this one is REALLY short.

I strongly disagree with your statement. Parenting is caring for your child. The rest is being a capable adult.

Keeping a baby alive isn't parenting. But keep arguing with everyone, OP.

+1. By all accounts my mom could not deal with having a newborn. The anxiety took over and she was paralyzed. She refused to do night feedings and seldom held me.

She was also a great mom. It's just that one short stage that overwhelmed her.

She was actually a pretty shitty mom during that period. As is OP’s husband right now. What if both parents took this attitude? The baby would die.

What if the moon was made of cheese? If thing were different they’d be different.

Some of the people on this board are terrible at giving grace and I hope never need any.

To the infant, as long as someone feeds and cares for them, the rest is immaterial - it can be mom, dad, great aunt Gretchen or whoever. It will be fine.

Stop with the giving grace bullshit. Where’s the grace for a woman who just pushed a human being out of her body and wants some effing support from her husband?

Also, please give OP Gretchen’s number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - what is your goal? To get DH to participate? You can either try to gently encourage which you are not interested in or have a fight which may help or not but is going to lead to more resentment for both of you.

Your only other options are either accept what’s going on or decide this is not worth it and divorce.

It looks like you want someone to wave a magic wand and have DH become a wonderful father. That’s not going to happen. The options you have are only about what you can do and feel, not what you can make him do or feel.

Actually I would peace out and take the baby to my mother’s. Ask him if he prefers life on his own. If he does, you have your answer and should divorce. If he wants you back, ask him what he will do specifically to help with HIS CHILD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. Having a new baby is so hard. the weight of responsibility when it's just you is so crushing.

We just had a baby ten weeks ago and for the first maybe eight weeks my husband was a bit useless at handling the baby. He was super fussy and cried all the time and husband didn't know how to soothe him. He even referred to him as "Satan baby" lol. As baby grew older and bigger, my husband became more confident at handling him. I hope this will be the same for you. Just show the husband what you do to soothe the baby, how to rock the baby, etc. he will get more confident with time.

Why does she have to show the husband what to do? I’m a mom and I didn’t magically know all that when my baby was born. I learned it thru effort, trial and error, reading books, watching videos, asking friends, etc.

A man has a brain and he can figure out how to take care of a baby if he wants to. I did not have a baby just to get another child for a husband.

OP, pack a bag, pump some milk and leave DC with Dad for 12 hours every other day until he figures it out.

This x 1000

Having a vagina doesn't mean you know more.

Off topic but I hate when people reduce people to their genitalia. Being a woman and, a mother, and having God-given female instincts and strengths is so much more than having a vagina/not having a penis. As if a penis and vagina are the only things that make men and women different. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO early. He has anxiety—not everyone knows how to take care of an infant. The fact that he’s doing so much else IS a help to you. When the baby is a little sturdier I bet he will be fine. We aren’t all good at everything. What is one thing he is comfortable doing with the baby? Is it burping? Is it shushing back to sleep when wakes up briefly. One step at a time then add more. I know you’re exhausted and hormonal—trust me I know! Just send him to get you all the things you need so YOU can keep hydrated and well fed! I promise it will get better.

Nothing. He won’t change a diaper, get him dressed, give a bath, put him to sleep, burp, or anything else. He will only hold him if he is seated and immediately calls me to get him when he cries. He won’t walk around or hold him without being seated.

Your husand absolutely should be able to do what you shared above.

Being new or the babys size isn’t a fair excuse to opt out of those tasks.

I've already shared.

This is what I’m saying but posters are acting like I’m the problem because I want my husband to be an involved dad and share parenting responsibilities.

I’m team you OP 🖤
How you’re feeling is accurate
You alone shouldn’t be made to learn or do those tasks solo… especially as first time parents.



You’re both learning as you go.

So what's your solution for OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He seems afraid to hold him unless he is seated.

What changed from when he held newborns prior to having his own?