How cruel is parents not paying for oldest children's college, yet paying for the youngest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happened to my husband. Parents couldn't afford Boy Scouts for him, but paid for Girl Scouts for his sister. They didn't have time to take him to travel soccer games or practices, but they could take his brother to all his travel music recitals. They paid for 100% of brother and sister's college educations. They even gave sister an allowance through college so she didn't have to work, and they bought her a car.

The dynamic continues now in our 40's and 50's. They buy daughter and her teenager new phones and laptops every couple of years. Bought her a new car a few years ago. Subsidize her rent. (Mind you, she has a professional job.)

DH worked his way up in a government job with only a HS education, but makes more than his sister. I've got a decent government job. We were a 1 car family for years to save money, I cut my own hair, we have a 15 year old car and only replace our phones when they're obsolete or dead. For many reasons, we don't have much in the way of assets but we have pensions. One thing we splurge on is travel because I have family abroad and we live to take our child there.

Despite not getting any family support, my DH is the one who they call to drive them to health appointments c fix his dad's car, do jobs around their apartments (they're divorced now) and we are expected to host the extended family for holidays (we have the only house that's central to both parents). DH does all the heavy lifting of elder care,

So recently DH was told that he and his brother were being taken out of MIL's will because neither he nor his brother really need the money but his sister does. FIL's will all goes to MIL (they're divorced, but they agreed she would inherit his assets if he does first.) so essentially DH is cut out of both wills. His brother is legitimately quite wealthy in a field that they financially supported his whole young adulthood. But we're far from wealthy. Their evidence that we don't need the money is that we travel every year and own a home. SIL still rents and seems to spend everything she has (and I'm being judgmental here anonymously, but she spends it on stuff like daily Starbucks for her and her child...which adds up to as much as I spend in airfare, the evidence they have that we don't need money.)

We're not talking about life changing money. It might be $10,000 or $15,000 for each child at the most. It's a legitimately helpful sun for paying for a semester of tuition for our child, but we can live without it. It's just the IDEA of them purposefully excluding DH and his brother to advantage a sister who has already been advantaged her whole life. And still it's DH who they call on to do all of their errands and literal dirty work like fixing clogged toilets.

And then they wonder why their kids aren't close and don't enjoy spending time together.

He needs to learn how to hang up. For me, getting taken out of the will after all of that would mean blocking phone numbers

So true. One (grown) kid is at their beck and call, while the other (grown) kid is helpless, enabled and given whatever they want. Such a gross dynamic. So telling about what kind of parents the grandparents were, when they can't bring themselves to be nice to the new wife, and don't spend time with the grandchildren, but run for the other (grown) kid and their children. Don't think that the grandchildren don't make their own minds up, and form their own opinions over who did what, based on actions (not words). DP here.

The favored (grown) kid truly has it in their head that they are the only one that matters. They probably continue to siphon money, because they have siphoned other things, as well - yet can barely tie their own shoes. Why do parents enable this unhealthy dynamic? They are only hurting themselves, in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unlikely the “investing” stops with college. They’ll pay for her wedding and try to help her with a down payment on a house too. Parents (and grandparents) with fluid values and belief systems that change depending on the favored children are rotten. And they will never admit they favor one over the other. They always have some backwards ass excuse or perceived slights to rationalize it. It’s not worth your breath calling them out because they’ll refuse to admit how cruel it is.

+1 This is how my parents are. It created a really dysfunctional dynamic.

+2

So unhealthy, for all involved. Makes me wonder if the favored one takes money from the parents on the side. You know, the type that gets "paid" some outrageously high amount of money for "helping" the parents when they are old. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't graduated yet, but some of my friends kids are. Some kids just do better paying for it themselves. One family I know started out paying, then quit and almost instantly the kid started taking life much more seriously. Some just need that responsibility factor. Maybe the parents plan to give the other kids money Some other way. Maybe the youngest is just a better investment.

Unless the family qualifies for a lot of financial aid, that just isn't possible for most people now. Best case scenario would be a commuter school and a job willing to work around school hours. More likely is a job that shifts schedules and forces you to start choosing between missing class and getting fired or a night job that leaves you too exhausted for class. It's the delusional boomers who think you can waitress your way through UVA who end up screwing their kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin has two age sets of kids (separated by a decade). She couldn’t afford to pay for the older three but can do so for the younger two. It makes zero sense for her to not pay for the caboose kids simply because she couldn’t for the elder three. That’s a way to build resentment.

So the caboose kids get launched into the middle class and the older kids get?

[Anonymous]

My half brothers had a completely different life experience than I did. I was sexually and physically abused by two stepfathers, witnessed substance and ohysical abuse in the house by their father. I raised those boys until they were about 5, when I left home and my mom found their stepfather, a man who was good and whose family raised those little boys. Despite starting with trauma, They had opportunities I would have given anything for.

I was solidly white trash, they were only born into it, and my mom gave them things I wished I had, and still do. But that’s life, isn’t it? They’re doing well now, and I am too from the outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't graduated yet, but some of my friends kids are. Some kids just do better paying for it themselves. One family I know started out paying, then quit and almost instantly the kid started taking life much more seriously. Some just need that responsibility factor. Maybe the parents plan to give the other kids money Some other way. Maybe the youngest is just a better investment.

Hahaha! This is how a-hole parents rationalize this toxic garbage. We didn't pay because you needed to bootstrap your way through life. These same toxic parents will then show up for milestones and boast that their ace parenting is why the kid is successful, when really, any success is in spite of their toxic parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is more to the story

I'm witness to similar happening right now and there is not more to it. The eldest siblings got shafted and were forced to stay local or go to junior college, while the baby of the family got to go wherever she wanted. The parents even bragged for months on end about touring colleges across the East Coast for her. They never toured a single college for the older kids.

[Anonymous]

MIL tried to do this with my husband and his brother. They graduated from high school two years apart. My husband called her on it and she did finish paying his college bills but then gifted over 100k to his brother to buy a house. Favoritism is a family tradition in his family. Parents tend to pick the favored adult child and put all of their effort, time and financial, into that adult child only.

Husband stays in touch with them bimonthly by phone. That’s it. We visit them every other year and expect nothing, not even a shared meal, from them. They don’t have an interest in our children either. They sent a small monetary gift to our son who just graduated from high school. He said thanks but that’s the most they have ever done for him. MIL barely even speaks to our kids when we have visited. She prefers BIL’s kids.

[Anonymous]

This happened in my family fairly recently.

My parent made a grand proclamation that “all grandchildren’s college tuitions will be paid for so don’t worry I’m paying!”

There are 9 grandchildren! Amazing! My DC happens to be the oldest and chose community college for 2 years, then transferred, achieved degree. My parent paid for it all. Awesome.

Next grandchild went out of state to a very expensive private university. Grandparent paid for travel, books and campus meal plan. Ok, nice. That’s generous but maybe not equivalent to my DC. The next 3 years, grandparent dialed back to just “helping with books and if you need some extra money, just ask” and some very modest cash presents -
$100 here and there.

My youngest started college and grandparent pulled the plug; sorry, moving into a continuing care community and need all extra savings.

My parent died suddenly a few years later and we ended up inheriting money to put the rest through college.

[Anonymous]

My husband comes from a family of 5. Oldest 4 had to take out student loans (a couple of them are still paying these enormous loans), then youngest, who is significantlly younger, didn't have to take out loans because family had more $$. Nobody seems weird or bitter about this. It just is the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL tried to do this with my husband and his brother. They graduated from high school two years apart. My husband called her on it and she did finish paying his college bills but then gifted over 100k to his brother to buy a house. Favoritism is a family tradition in his family. Parents tend to pick the favored adult child and put all of their effort, time and financial, into that adult child only.

Husband stays in touch with them bimonthly by phone. That’s it. We visit them every other year and expect nothing, not even a shared meal, from them. They don’t have an interest in our children either. They sent a small monetary gift to our son who just graduated from high school. He said thanks but that’s the most they have ever done for him. MIL barely even speaks to our kids when we have visited. She prefers BIL’s kids.

They better hope BIL's family is interested in elder care because life comes at you fast when you BIL doesn't care and the black sheep gets to decide what home to put you in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband comes from a family of 5. Oldest 4 had to take out student loans (a couple of them are still paying these enormous loans), then youngest, who is significantlly younger, didn't have to take out loans because family had more $$. Nobody seems weird or bitter about this. It just is the situation.

Really? If you can afford to pay for the youngest, then you can afford to help the older kids with loans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't graduated yet, but some of my friends kids are. Some kids just do better paying for it themselves. One family I know started out paying, then quit and almost instantly the kid started taking life much more seriously. Some just need that responsibility factor. Maybe the parents plan to give the other kids money Some other way. Maybe the youngest is just a better investment.

Hahaha! This is how a-hole parents rationalize this toxic garbage. We didn't pay because you needed to bootstrap your way through life. These same toxic parents will then show up for milestones and boast that their ace parenting is why the kid is successful, when really, any success is in spite of their toxic parenting.

It’s like you’re at my family thanksgiving table!

The truth is - I am proud at how I made my own way independently and gained a lot of self sufficiency from it. But yeah, zero relationship with my parents now. I feel zero guilt about letting the younger sibs carry the entire load of elder care. And some of the younger sibs haven’t done all that well in life either so I don’t resent them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happened to my husband. Parents couldn't afford Boy Scouts for him, but paid for Girl Scouts for his sister. They didn't have time to take him to travel soccer games or practices, but they could take his brother to all his travel music recitals. They paid for 100% of brother and sister's college educations. They even gave sister an allowance through college so she didn't have to work, and they bought her a car.

The dynamic continues now in our 40's and 50's. They buy daughter and her teenager new phones and laptops every couple of years. Bought her a new car a few years ago. Subsidize her rent. (Mind you, she has a professional job.)

DH worked his way up in a government job with only a HS education, but makes more than his sister. I've got a decent government job. We were a 1 car family for years to save money, I cut my own hair, we have a 15 year old car and only replace our phones when they're obsolete or dead. For many reasons, we don't have much in the way of assets but we have pensions. One thing we splurge on is travel because I have family abroad and we live to take our child there.

Despite not getting any family support, my DH is the one who they call to drive them to health appointments c fix his dad's car, do jobs around their apartments (they're divorced now) and we are expected to host the extended family for holidays (we have the only house that's central to both parents). DH does all the heavy lifting of elder care,

So recently DH was told that he and his brother were being taken out of MIL's will because neither he nor his brother really need the money but his sister does. FIL's will all goes to MIL (they're divorced, but they agreed she would inherit his assets if he does first.) so essentially DH is cut out of both wills. His brother is legitimately quite wealthy in a field that they financially supported his whole young adulthood. But we're far from wealthy. Their evidence that we don't need the money is that we travel every year and own a home. SIL still rents and seems to spend everything she has (and I'm being judgmental here anonymously, but she spends it on stuff like daily Starbucks for her and her child...which adds up to as much as I spend in airfare, the evidence they have that we don't need money.)

We're not talking about life changing money. It might be $10,000 or $15,000 for each child at the most. It's a legitimately helpful sun for paying for a semester of tuition for our child, but we can live without it. It's just the IDEA of them purposefully excluding DH and his brother to advantage a sister who has already been advantaged her whole life. And still it's DH who they call on to do all of their errands and literal dirty work like fixing clogged toilets.

And then they wonder why their kids aren't close and don't enjoy spending time together.

He needs to learn how to hang up. For me, getting taken out of the will after all of that would mean blocking phone numbers

I know this is a zombie thread, but +100. My parents will likely leave debts not assets to their estate but when I learned my father had taken me out of the will (for no discernible recent conflict) I was DONE.

[Anonymous]

My parents paid for my two siblings to go to the colleges of their choice, one an Ivy. I had to attend the one I got a full scholarship to and never visited until I started there. I had a good experience but I still hold some resentment that I’ve only shared with my husband.