Daughter double-pierced her own ears without my permission

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was her age, I triple pierced my own ears and bleached my hair. Both done in my bedroom. My very involved mother never batted an eye. She said it looked great. I’m now 50, have single piercings (let them grown in before college). And, my mom is my best friend. Op, it could be so much worse. Don’t over react.

Did you have issues as a teen?

OP was a teen in the 80s! She was probably into the punk scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was her age, I triple pierced my own ears and bleached my hair. Both done in my bedroom. My very involved mother never batted an eye. She said it looked great. I’m now 50, have single piercings (let them grown in before college). And, my mom is my best friend. Op, it could be so much worse. Don’t over react.

Did you have issues as a teen?

OP was a teen in the 80s! She was probably into the punk scene.

I would never have done something like this, especially if my parents told me not to.

[Anonymous]

I pierced my ears multiple times on my own with ice and a needle. I also had some professional facial piercings, my mother was. Dry overwrought about all of it, which just served to put space between us—space that remained between us when I let all the holes close a few years later so I could get a good job.

I think choosing your battles is a good thing, and talking with DD about why she felt she could not speak to you is even better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You are the parent. It is quite simple, if you do not want her to have them, tell her that she has to remove them immediately. If she does not, ground her, take her phone or something else that will get the point across. Ear piercing is not a big deal, but respect is.

Ok. So the lesson is don’t ask permission then just do what you want. Very respectful that way.

May I ask what you mean exactly? OP said that she had asked prior, but the answer was 'No'.

Next time she won't bother asking. Duh. If mom says no to everything and is unreasonable then why bother asking permission? Just do what you want. Then "oops sorry!" when it turns out she doesn't like it or, God forbid, finds it "trashy". She will smile at you and say she had no idea you would mind. You really can't see how this would play out?

OP here. You are making incorrect assumptions. I don’t say “no to everything”. In fact, the opposite. We have a wonderful relationship and I rarely have to say no. Hence, this act was a bit surprising. I was simply asking for help in talking about it with my daughter.

NP. What's to talk about? It's something harmless she did, and it makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.

If this is her biggest act of rebellion, consider yourself lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You are the parent. It is quite simple, if you do not want her to have them, tell her that she has to remove them immediately. If she does not, ground her, take her phone or something else that will get the point across. Ear piercing is not a big deal, but respect is.

Ok. So the lesson is don’t ask permission then just do what you want. Very respectful that way.

May I ask what you mean exactly? OP said that she had asked prior, but the answer was 'No'.

Next time she won't bother asking. Duh. If mom says no to everything and is unreasonable then why bother asking permission? Just do what you want. Then "oops sorry!" when it turns out she doesn't like it or, God forbid, finds it "trashy". She will smile at you and say she had no idea you would mind. You really can't see how this would play out?

OP here. You are making incorrect assumptions. I don’t say “no to everything”. In fact, the opposite. We have a wonderful relationship and I rarely have to say no. Hence, this act was a bit surprising. I was simply asking for help in talking about it with my daughter.

NP. What's to talk about? It's something harmless she did, and it makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.

If this is her biggest act of rebellion, consider yourself lucky.

Here's the thing: If her goal (conscious or not) is rebellion, and the response she gets is "looks great!", then she has to move on to nose or lips or whatever for more successful rebellion. It's a tricky dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You are the parent. It is quite simple, if you do not want her to have them, tell her that she has to remove them immediately. If she does not, ground her, take her phone or something else that will get the point across. Ear piercing is not a big deal, but respect is.

Ok. So the lesson is don’t ask permission then just do what you want. Very respectful that way.

May I ask what you mean exactly? OP said that she had asked prior, but the answer was 'No'.

Next time she won't bother asking. Duh. If mom says no to everything and is unreasonable then why bother asking permission? Just do what you want. Then "oops sorry!" when it turns out she doesn't like it or, God forbid, finds it "trashy". She will smile at you and say she had no idea you would mind. You really can't see how this would play out?

OP here. You are making incorrect assumptions. I don’t say “no to everything”. In fact, the opposite. We have a wonderful relationship and I rarely have to say no. Hence, this act was a bit surprising. I was simply asking for help in talking about it with my daughter.

NP. What's to talk about? It's something harmless she did, and it makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.

If this is her biggest act of rebellion, consider yourself lucky.

Here's the thing: If her goal (conscious or not) is rebellion, and the response she gets is "looks great!", then she has to move on to nose or lips or whatever for more successful rebellion. It's a tricky dynamic.

The response can be to just ignore, not "looks great!" Don't even mention it as if it was never even noticed. She probably just wanted a double piercing and thought her mom was being an unreasonable uptight loon for forbidding it years ago. This isn't necessarily some cry for help where now she has to up the ante. Maybe she simply just wanted the earrings and figured it was her body and her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teenage daughter double pierced her own ears recently. She asked me several years ago if she could but I said no. She doesn’t realize I noticed. I’d like to talk with her about why she went behind my back and did it but am interested in how to approach her or any talking points that have worked with getting through to your teenager.

She is not going to stop at 2.

[Anonymous]

Wow! People are very chilled and relaxed parents.

How did your DD do it? At home DIY? Or at a piercing place?

If at a piercing place, how did the logistics work out? Also, does your kid go to school?

[Anonymous]

One thing I learned teaching teenagers is that if your rules are unreasonable, then they will break them. So when all the rules are being broken all the time, then probably it's time to rethink the rules. Ask yourself why you said no in the first place, and if maybe you should have at least given her a reason for the refusal and a chance to present an argument.

Personally, I think it didn't make sense to refuse that, as she wasn't hurting anyone and it's her body. Plus, ear piercings aren't even permanent - they'll go away if you don't use them. So I don't get the refusal, and I guess she didn't find it reasonable either.

[Anonymous]

So she disobeyed you and gets to "keep" the reward?

[Anonymous]

Team daughter. Go girl.

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned about infection: did she do it herself? at a friend's? at Claire's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

15.5

I double-pierced one ear (edgy!) at about this age. I don't recall my mother ever saying anything and my mother was very concerned with appearances and would have never agreed to it. Did it with a needle. It was stupid and tacky, as were my perms, my higher the hair/closer to heaven bangs, and the sun-in I used one summer. I am now 51 and rarely clutch my pearls. I do draw the line at any piercing that's not in the ear and tattoos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she disobeyed you and gets to "keep" the reward?

She really should not be allowed to keep it. That sends the wrong message.

[Anonymous]

My DD has had triple ear piercings since she was 13

so what?