Custody Schedule - School year vs. Summer

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:One little thing that can help if you have an ex who wants to be around but only for the fun stuff is to maintain control over extracurricular activities. You get to schedule a certain amount of extracurricular activities per year - you pick them and pay for them. Pick up time on his parenting days is after the activities end. This way, kid comes home to your house after school. You get homework done and touch base with your kid. This is especially helpful for kids on an IEP. You get kid on time to extracurricular activities. Pickup time for ex is after the conclusion of the extracurricular activities. This little change solved so many problems for me. Language in parenting agreement is very clear that the extracurricular activities take precedent over both parents' parenting time, meaning if kid has as soccer tournament in another state and your ex can't be bothered to take kid on his parenting time, then you get to take kid and ex loses the time. This one change helped me get my kid in a much better place academically and keep him there over the years and it allowed kid to participate in sports, which are really important to kid, especially now. Ex still feels like he has 50/50 parenting time, but it's not even close to that in reality, although it's enough for kid and for ex.

That is helpful!

I'm curious - is your ex able to keep up with taking care of your child? Mine struggles to do things like get the kid to school on time, pack a lunch, keep them in uniform, bathing and grooming, etc. This has caused a lot of issues already even with my ex only having to send the kid to school 2-3 times per month.

PP here. No, ex can't keep up with taking care of our child. Ex and kid both have ADHD. It has gotten better over the years, primarily because kid comes home everyday after school now, so we have a habit of brushing teeth right after school everyday. I assume kid doesn't bath or shower at ex's house but try not to make a big deal of it and just make sure we keep his haircut short and shower everyday here. Apple watches help (yes, it is plural - I assume we'll lose 2 to 3 a year at ex's house) because he can call or text me from school now if he needs something. I buy at least two uniforms for every sport so I have one as a backup. I have to take the high road all the time, pay for everything, go to ex's house 30 minutes away to pick up things kid leaves there but needs for school or a sport, and be ready at all times to do things on his parenting time for our kid because he'll drop out at the last minute. I no longer even give him a hard time about anymore. The main thing for me was to structure our parenting time in a way that made him feel like he got what he wanted, but gave me control over the things I care most about.

Is your income higher or do you pay for everything out of child support?

Just because he doesn't do it your way doesn't mean it's wrong. Most of this sounds like normal teen issues.

PP. I let him lie about his income (owns his own business, claimed his income took an extreme dive in the years after our divorce, but failed to respond to any discovery - I just let him lie) so that no one pays child support, and I agreed to pay for everything for our child. I still make enough to pay for everything, so I decided early on to prioritize what was best for kid over money. These look like normal teen issues because I structured our parenting agreement in a way to give our kid a normal teen life. It is the best I could have hoped for. Our kid is kind, thoughtful, has a solid group of friends, is getting good grades and plays on a top travel team in his sport in spite of a broken home and ADHD.

This is getting confusing. Is the pp also OP or did someone hijack the thread? Because no 6 year-old plays on a "top travel team."

OP here. My child is 6. There is another poster who shared their situation who has a teenager.

Don't take a father away from ma 5 year old and have him a visitor in the child's life. You will do far more harm than good. Better ways to get back at your ex than through your child.

Parent is both a noun and a verb. A 5 year old child has needs that only an adult can meet. OP has explained many times how her ex is not meeting those needs. If ex wants to spend time with his son, he needs to actively parent. There are other ways to continue that relationship, other than a 50/50 custody schedule that is not in the best interests of the child.

(This is the OP).

Thank you. My attorney agrees that the evidence and patterns support the current custody arrangement. I also have always been the parent to encourage our child to continue having a relationship with the other parent, and when the other parent says they want more time with the child, I take that seriously. I'm just trying to brainstorm a way to do that that would not be a detriment to our child. I am starting to think that a long period of time with the other parent during the summer would not work for the child, so I'm open to other suggestions of how to allow for more visitation that would not be harmful to our child.

So, if you will not let the child be there 50-50 or even more than a day or two during the summer, the questions is what do you propose.

Just be honest. Tell Dad he can casually visit at your whim, which will be maybe 1-2 times a month and be done with it.

You will always have excuses of why child cannot see friends - school, activities, friends, your family, etc.

Why can't child spend from the last school day to the first school day with Dad and you have every other weekend and maybe one afternoon or evening a week? What you don't want to be away from your child that long? How do you think Dad feels?

Do 3 day/4 day schedule or ever other week.

I'm confused. The other parent sees the kid more than 1-2 times per month. It is every other weekend plus one weekday visit. I am fine with the child being with the other parent all summer and me having every other weekend - that is exactly what I was seeking feedback on in my original post.

Every other weekend is 4 days a month. So, 4 days and 4 four hour visits a month. Why don’t you have child live with dad and you take the every other weekend schedule. It’s not bad according to you.

I would do it if it was what was best for the kid, but it’s not.

No you would not. You want one home. That can be dads home.

[Anonymous]

New poster.

My ex and I split about 60-40, but school year is more like 65/35 and summer is closer to 50-50. The kids (now 8 and 11 but this started when they were 5 and 2) seem to have an easier time with getting to school, getting homework done, getting enough sleep, etc at my house. It works better for everyone for them to be here most weeknights.

During the school year, my ex has every other weekend, but the weekend is Friday night through Tuesday morning. Then he has Monday night of the off week. We used to do a midweek night, and it was too much back and forth. Cutting down on the number of transitions without further reducing time with their Dad helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster.

My ex and I split about 60-40, but school year is more like 65/35 and summer is closer to 50-50. The kids (now 8 and 11 but this started when they were 5 and 2) seem to have an easier time with getting to school, getting homework done, getting enough sleep, etc at my house. It works better for everyone for them to be here most weeknights.

During the school year, my ex has every other weekend, but the weekend is Friday night through Tuesday morning. Then he has Monday night of the off week. We used to do a midweek night, and it was too much back and forth. Cutting down on the number of transitions without further reducing time with their Dad helped.

This sounds like a good schedule! I wish other people realized that some parents are simply better at handling the school routine and that helps the kids out. This isn’t about keeping the kid away from the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Kids don’t like 50/50 custody. Kids need a home base to feel safe and secure. Not shuttling back and forth every week for a full week. This idea is not fair to anyone except the parents. OP I’m with you but unless you can prove he can’t actually care for the child because of work I’m not sure what you can do.

[Anonymous]

One thing I would never want is for a judge to decide a custody schedule. That judge doesn’t love your child. That judge doesn’t have any predisposition to believe you over your ex husband. That judge most likely will hate your case - never knew one that didn’t hate custody cases.

You get one shot at presenting your case. You get a small bit of attention to the facts and that attention is not uninterrupted. If your lawyer has a bad day or the judge takes a disliking to you, you live with the consequences.

Plus your facts aren’t so great. Your child is six. He’s not throwing desks across the room after a visit. Lots of six year olds have issues in school because they haven’t yet learned and adapted to school behavior and they are still reeling from losing a few years of normalcy in preschool. Lots of things besides dad to blame any issues on. And if you’re really that concerned you would have sought assistance through the school through special education services due to his emotional dysregulation rather than the courts for more custody.

OTOH, you aren’t going to look reasonable. Reasonable will be presenting lots of alternate 50/50 custody options that were declined. And reasonable is not suggesting that tearing an elementary school kid away from the parent they exclusively lived with for nine and a half months thinking it won’t be traumatic for the child.

If school is really the big issue, give dad every Friday through Monday morning and make up the rest of the 50/50 with school break and summer. Most little kids have some transition difficulty on Mondays anyway and it’s just one day of potential school issues. And schools provide supports for this sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I would never want is for a judge to decide a custody schedule. That judge doesn’t love your child. That judge doesn’t have any predisposition to believe you over your ex husband. That judge most likely will hate your case - never knew one that didn’t hate custody cases.

You get one shot at presenting your case. You get a small bit of attention to the facts and that attention is not uninterrupted. If your lawyer has a bad day or the judge takes a disliking to you, you live with the consequences.

Plus your facts aren’t so great. Your child is six. He’s not throwing desks across the room after a visit. Lots of six year olds have issues in school because they haven’t yet learned and adapted to school behavior and they are still reeling from losing a few years of normalcy in preschool. Lots of things besides dad to blame any issues on. And if you’re really that concerned you would have sought assistance through the school through special education services due to his emotional dysregulation rather than the courts for more custody.

OTOH, you aren’t going to look reasonable. Reasonable will be presenting lots of alternate 50/50 custody options that were declined. And reasonable is not suggesting that tearing an elementary school kid away from the parent they exclusively lived with for nine and a half months thinking it won’t be traumatic for the child.

If school is really the big issue, give dad every Friday through Monday morning and make up the rest of the 50/50 with school break and summer. Most little kids have some transition difficulty on Mondays anyway and it’s just one day of potential school issues. And schools provide supports for this sort of thing.

It's a long thread, so you likely missed some of the facts. Our child does have an IEP and receives services and support at school. The current every other weekend schedule is actually Friday - Monday morning. I am going to see how offering perhaps one more night and/or more summer time works. The current issue is the other parent doesn't seem to want to discuss any alternative schedules other than week on week off.

[Anonymous]

OP, since it's not a money issue, I'd just roll with the 50-50 I'd that's what the judge orders despite it obviously being too much for him being a full time parent.

Your DH will almost certainly lose interest in having this much parenting time once he has it.

Few fathers actually want to do the work of 50-50

[Anonymous]

NP. My kids are teens, but just something to think about cause time passes quickly. We do 2 weeks with me and 1 week with dad (and this highly deviates for our original schedule—we’ve tried to work together to figure out what was best for the kids). There is little structure at dads house—they are up all hours of the night, eat sporadically, and barely make it to school (but almost do). They come to my house exhausted, behind on schoolwork, etc. On the plus side, they have a good relationship with dad, have gained a ton of independence, and have figured out how to adapt in two very different styles of households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, since it's not a money issue, I'd just roll with the 50-50 I'd that's what the judge orders despite it obviously being too much for him being a full time parent.

Your DH will almost certainly lose interest in having this much parenting time once he has it.

Few fathers actually want to do the work of 50-50

OP here. I believe it may be a money issue for my ex based on recent negotiations. It seems as if my ex is banking on getting money from me somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids don’t like 50/50 custody. Kids need a home base to feel safe and secure. Not shuttling back and forth every week for a full week. This idea is not fair to anyone except the parents. OP I’m with you but unless you can prove he can’t actually care for the child because of work I’m not sure what you can do.

It depends on the parent and kids. Often the issue is more about the parents, than the kids and you need both parents working together. If you strongly feel this way, you should be the parent who gives up the kids and lets them live with the other parent. It's not fair to the parent who loses being a parent or the kids to lose their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, since it's not a money issue, I'd just roll with the 50-50 I'd that's what the judge orders despite it obviously being too much for him being a full time parent.

Your DH will almost certainly lose interest in having this much parenting time once he has it.

Few fathers actually want to do the work of 50-50

OP here. I believe it may be a money issue for my ex based on recent negotiations. It seems as if my ex is banking on getting money from me somehow.

If you are the higher earner, you should be paying child support. If he's the higher earner, he should be paying child support.

Most fathers want 50-50 and to be parents. It's sad someone would say this to justify taking away the kids from their father.

The real issue is OP is the higher earner and doesn't want to pay child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I would never want is for a judge to decide a custody schedule. That judge doesn’t love your child. That judge doesn’t have any predisposition to believe you over your ex husband. That judge most likely will hate your case - never knew one that didn’t hate custody cases.

You get one shot at presenting your case. You get a small bit of attention to the facts and that attention is not uninterrupted. If your lawyer has a bad day or the judge takes a disliking to you, you live with the consequences.

Plus your facts aren’t so great. Your child is six. He’s not throwing desks across the room after a visit. Lots of six year olds have issues in school because they haven’t yet learned and adapted to school behavior and they are still reeling from losing a few years of normalcy in preschool. Lots of things besides dad to blame any issues on. And if you’re really that concerned you would have sought assistance through the school through special education services due to his emotional dysregulation rather than the courts for more custody.

OTOH, you aren’t going to look reasonable. Reasonable will be presenting lots of alternate 50/50 custody options that were declined. And reasonable is not suggesting that tearing an elementary school kid away from the parent they exclusively lived with for nine and a half months thinking it won’t be traumatic for the child.

If school is really the big issue, give dad every Friday through Monday morning and make up the rest of the 50/50 with school break and summer. Most little kids have some transition difficulty on Mondays anyway and it’s just one day of potential school issues. And schools provide supports for this sort of thing.

It's a long thread, so you likely missed some of the facts. Our child does have an IEP and receives services and support at school. The current every other weekend schedule is actually Friday - Monday morning. I am going to see how offering perhaps one more night and/or more summer time works. The current issue is the other parent doesn't seem to want to discuss any alternative schedules other than week on week off.

If the child doesn't have outside therapies, then the child having an IEP makes no difference as it doesn't impact the child when they are with dad as all services are at school. If the child had outside services and he refused to take them it would be a problem.

Do every other week with for each parent with one weekday dinner for the other parent. Problem solved.

It sounds like the issue is you don't want to pay child support.

He should have the entire summer, not just a few weeks if he has every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I would never want is for a judge to decide a custody schedule. That judge doesn’t love your child. That judge doesn’t have any predisposition to believe you over your ex husband. That judge most likely will hate your case - never knew one that didn’t hate custody cases.

You get one shot at presenting your case. You get a small bit of attention to the facts and that attention is not uninterrupted. If your lawyer has a bad day or the judge takes a disliking to you, you live with the consequences.

Plus your facts aren’t so great. Your child is six. He’s not throwing desks across the room after a visit. Lots of six year olds have issues in school because they haven’t yet learned and adapted to school behavior and they are still reeling from losing a few years of normalcy in preschool. Lots of things besides dad to blame any issues on. And if you’re really that concerned you would have sought assistance through the school through special education services due to his emotional dysregulation rather than the courts for more custody.

OTOH, you aren’t going to look reasonable. Reasonable will be presenting lots of alternate 50/50 custody options that were declined. And reasonable is not suggesting that tearing an elementary school kid away from the parent they exclusively lived with for nine and a half months thinking it won’t be traumatic for the child.

If school is really the big issue, give dad every Friday through Monday morning and make up the rest of the 50/50 with school break and summer. Most little kids have some transition difficulty on Mondays anyway and it’s just one day of potential school issues. And schools provide supports for this sort of thing.

It's a long thread, so you likely missed some of the facts. Our child does have an IEP and receives services and support at school. The current every other weekend schedule is actually Friday - Monday morning. I am going to see how offering perhaps one more night and/or more summer time works. The current issue is the other parent doesn't seem to want to discuss any alternative schedules other than week on week off.

If the child doesn't have outside therapies, then the child having an IEP makes no difference as it doesn't impact the child when they are with dad as all services are at school. If the child had outside services and he refused to take them it would be a problem.

Do every other week with for each parent with one weekday dinner for the other parent. Problem solved.

It sounds like the issue is you don't want to pay child support.

He should have the entire summer, not just a few weeks if he has every other weekend.

My main concern is our child, and I know based on what’s happened the past couple years that the other parent simply doesn’t take care of them appropriately. I have been the primary custodial parent this entire time and have received no child support, so I think the actual issue is the other parent doesn’t want to pay child support, otherwise they would currently be taking a more active role in the child’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, since it's not a money issue, I'd just roll with the 50-50 I'd that's what the judge orders despite it obviously being too much for him being a full time parent.

Your DH will almost certainly lose interest in having this much parenting time once he has it.

Few fathers actually want to do the work of 50-50

OP here. I believe it may be a money issue for my ex based on recent negotiations. It seems as if my ex is banking on getting money from me somehow.

If you are the higher earner, you should be paying child support. If he's the higher earner, he should be paying child support.

Most fathers want 50-50 and to be parents. It's sad someone would say this to justify taking away the kids from their father.

The real issue is OP is the higher earner and doesn't want to pay child support.

If the other parent wanted to be a parent, they should’ve been doing that this entire time. They are the one who didn’t want to.

[Anonymous]

I would hope that a court would not trust one parent documenting that “behavior issues” were more frequent when a child was with the other parent. This is incredibly easy to manipulate, even unintentionally, and would be very difficult for even a truly unbiased third party to document. Behavior issues don’t tend to show up on a highly predictable schedule. Unless one parent is significantly depriving the child of sleep, or getting into a screaming fight with the kid every day before sending them to school, I wouldn’t expect behavioral issues to show up like clockwork on one parents days even if that parent was actually the worse parent