Husband unemployed and not applying for jobs. How to manage my feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am starting to feel anger/frustration because its been 4 months since my spouse lost his job yet he hasnt sent out a single resume. He says its because he has extreme anxiety around interviewing and doesnt want to apply to just any job. As far as I can tell he spends most of his time surfing or watching TV. We don't talk about it because it quickly becomes a fight with him saying if I think he's a bum I should just leave him.

How would you approach this situation?

What do you do for money, OP?

[Anonymous]

I was like that few years ago. I mean I was like your DH.

My wife let me be. she worked extra hard to maintain a "normal" in family/kid. Nag sometime, but nothing furious.

I was on internet/TV 8+ hours almost for 3+ years. Until one day I felt bad for myself, to a point I started to want to change. It took me some time to go back to work force. Now I am holding a solid job better than the previous position (and have time to DCUM sometime) for over 2 years.

So if you think your DH is not a scumbag deep inside, give him some time and let him come around. Be patience. I love my wife even more. she trusted me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was laid off, at first, I understood how your husband feels. I took about 2 weeks off to relax from the stress of the previous job. I had been working continuously from the time I was 18 until age 44 (4 years part-time and 22 years full time). And the previous 7 years in one job where the last 2 years had become ultra-stressful. After detoxing for about 2 weeks, I had had enough and began actively searching for work, but it took me another 5 months to find a job. I did take over the household management and frankly, we ate a lot better than we had for years because I was home and able to cook better, healthier meals that we we often ate as a 2-income household.

The way that I suggest you handle this is to sit down and explain that you are worried about his job situation and how it is affecting you and your marriage in addition to how it is affecting him. Explain that you understand how difficult it is for him, but you need him to actively start seeking work by X date. And by actively seeking work, that means looking for jobs, sending out resumes and going on interviews. If he isn't getting any leads or jobs in his chosen field, then you expect him to start to broaden his job search to include jobs outside his chosen field. If he can't do this, then he needs to consider moving out and on (rather than you moving out, he, needs to move out). He cannot continue to live off of you. And as long as he is not working, it will be assumed that he will take over the household management as the homemaker. 20:49 has a good start. I would make sure that any list that you give him includes as the last line "Dealing with any other household issues as they arise". Then tell him that you won't mention this again until X (I would give him at least 2 weeks, but you have to decide what your tolerance level is here). And then leave him alone. He'll have to take care of the house and family duties until he finds a job, but he cannot continue to sit around only watching TV and playing games.

Good advice to the OP if you are hoping to bring her marriage to a prompt conclusion. The "empathy" here is limited and perfunctory, and the list of deadlines and demands is overwhelming. It's great that you only needed two weeks to decompress, but not everyone is wired that way. You sound like a control freak who rubs most people you meet the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do for money, OP?

I work fulltime but my income doesnt quite cover our expenses. Why?

[Anonymous]

i am in a sort of (but not really) similar situation as the OP except my husband has been working pretty hard to find a job and take care of our 2 children. he's been out of work for 2 years. he's been to a career counselor and had interviews and been a finalist for several good positions, but he's never been able to seal the deal. the pressure i feel is enormous and i don't make enough for us all.

[Anonymous]

I know this sounds horrible, but the fact that my DH has been unable to earn decent money for many years has made him less "sexy" to me. There it is. Flame away.

[Anonymous]

PP i think sex would be the last thing on my mind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make him a list?

I can only imagine how well it would go over and the names that would be called if a husband handed his wife a list he had made of what he expected her to do during the day. He really needs to address the anxiety as it is preventing him from functioning and that is likely depressing him more. Is he open to talking to a doctor about it?

My husband leaves me lists of things that need to get done. It's not every day or anything, but there's a notebook in the office where he jots down what needs to happen. It's a way of making sure things don't fall through the cracks. I may go in there tomorrow to straighten up and see

Tuesday:
mail birthday card for Gina
cook or freeze chicken before it goes bad
drycleaner
review Italy itinerary

Now he won't beat me or anything if I haven't accomplished it all, and I may even talk with him during the work day and tell him I was too busy with other things so could he pick up the drycleaning on the way home from work.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a ton of anxiety about looking for work. I do it for him. I put together his resume. I do the job search. I make the applications. All he has to do is show up and interview. He has anxiety about that, too, but our deal is that if I do the search, he has to do the interview.

It has worked for us.

If my husband refused to do this, I'd make him an appointment at a psychiatrist's office to talk about anxiety medication. If he can't work because of anxiety, then he as a serious problem.

[Anonymous]

Hi All,
I am 36 and my boyfriend is 31. We have been together since 5 years. We met when we were working in the same company.

The situation was difficult at work for both of us. I did everything to find an another job. I found one. When i left he pushed them to get fired. He is now 5 months unemployed. We tried to have a baby with the FIV last year. It was a long jorney, it is now 3 years we are trying. The problems come from him. He smokes marjuana and he has never stopped, just 3 months before the FIV, even if every doctor told him to stop, because it does not help to have babies naturally and it increases his bad conditions. This year we should do the transfer of the blastocite, last year we could not do it because of with my new job. i could not be pregnant, at least for the first 3 months.

I am writing you because I am tired. i want to dump him even if i loves him. He spends his days smoking watching movies, playing with the playstation, not looking for a job at all. There are two months and more the government does not pay him the unemployment. I paid the rent, he uses our cards as he does not have money, he will give me them back. It is not question of money, if i would see that he is looking for a job, that he is thinking to our future family...nothing...he smokes ...movies, playstation..I don't want to talk with somebody knowing that he smoked...to look at his red ayes...

On top I still would like to try to have a baby naturally, his answer: the analysis results when i was not smoking were the same than when i was smoking...

what a stupid answer!!!!!!!!!and so??? at least try, if all the doctors are telling you something...try t do it!!!

I don't want to go back home, i feel so sad..I am so sad. I tried to talk with him. His stupid answers: i do what i want, i don' t care...bla bla...an adolescent..

what to do? am i exaggerating? I paid for the FIV, for him we could wait as we did not have money... I saved alone all the money for it. I am 36 i cannot wait...

sometimes i feel to do all wrong..pleae help me. If you talk with him, i am the one exagerating..

thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was like that few years ago. I mean I was like your DH.

My wife let me be. she worked extra hard to maintain a "normal" in family/kid. Nag sometime, but nothing furious.

I was on internet/TV 8+ hours almost for 3+ years. Until one day I felt bad for myself, to a point I started to want to change. It took me some time to go back to work force. Now I am holding a solid job better than the previous position (and have time to DCUM sometime) for over 2 years.

So if you think your DH is not a scumbag deep inside, give him some time and let him come around. Be patience. I love my wife even more. she trusted me.

See! Chin up, OP!! Just let your husband sit on his ass watching tv for 3 years and you will be rewarded with him getting... um.. a slightly better job than before!!! So worth the three years of missed income!

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a lazy ass. Make it clear you are no sugar mama and if you were you would be supporting a hot and ripped 23 year old, not him. Maybe that will motivate him to start sending that resume out

[Anonymous]

My question is what career are these men in where they have been unemployed for 2-3 years? So there is no consulting work available? What about bettering their skills on Coursera to help make them more marketable?

[Anonymous]

OP I was there. My husband was laid off six weeks before I had our DS. It was during the bubble, and it was absolutely horrible. DH has never been good with job searching and interviewing, but he really ended up falling apart. It took almost a year before he found employment through an agency and another year before he landed a full time job. Even now his career has been impacted by this.

The two big issues are whether you can manage financially and your feelings about the situation. We could not manage and DH left me in a very bad situation. We have been married almost ten years and this has been the largest issue for us to get by. I would be lying if I said that I do not have lingering resentment that I struggle with. I honestly also do not know if I did the right thing staying.

The other issue is how you feel about DH and his larger contributions to the house. Mine did step up a bit with childcare, but I did not want him to be a SAHD and neither did he.

It is a fine line to walk between being encouraging and forcing DH to face facts. I do not have any great advice, except let DH know exactly where you are emotionally and financially. Also try to concentrate on yourself and build up your skills. Whatever ends up happening in your marriage you want to have as many career options as possible.

Good luck. I know with this area being so focused on success you would think there are not many families struggling with this, but believe me there are plenty of people dealing with unmotivated spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My question is what career are these men in where they have been unemployed for 2-3 years? So there is no consulting work available? What about bettering their skills on Coursera to help make them more marketable?

The PP said he literally watched TV for 8 hours a day. So no on the Coursera course, it's just them being lazies and then rely on the women in their lives to pick up the pieces- what else is new?