Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?

[Anonymous]

My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to clarify. I childhood it was sometimes a friend of mine, or a neighbor's kid or the kid of a friend of hers and she would see the person as one dimensional perfection and go on and on and about all the reasons the person was such a great kid. Then by the time I was in college she formed actual friendships with people my age and by the time I was a young adult she was socializing with them. Sometimes it was the wife of someone who worked with my dad or a neighbor or whatever. The unifying theme was not just that the person was within a few years of my age, but she felt the need to tell me all the reasons this person was amazing. She usually badmouthed her same age friends now and then (which was also uncomfortable) or presented them as more multidimensional with flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

OP here. thank you for posting this. "SO SMART" was something I heard a lot about other girls my age from mom. Mom never took it as far as inviting someone to live with her (wow!) what she was definitely far more maternal to these girls than she was to me. Did people back then or now say "I just loooooove your mom!"

[Anonymous]

No. My mom never did this. At all.

[Anonymous]

My mom has a surrogate daughter that she calls her other daughter. She was a childhood friend of mine. My mom would also accuse me of being jealous of this person and her relationship with my mom. Later in life I figured out that my mom was greatly exaggerating the relationship with this other person. She’s currently laying in a hospital bed and neither her real nor surrogate daughter are there. (Before DCUM freaks out on me, I offered to go but my mom said I could only come visit if I leave my nursing baby at home in another state. She likes to test people’s love and affection for her. I stopped playing when I had kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

OP here. thank you for posting this. "SO SMART" was something I heard a lot about other girls my age from mom. Mom never took it as far as inviting someone to live with her (wow!) what she was definitely far more maternal to these girls than she was to me. Did people back then or now say "I just loooooove your mom!"

Yes! All the time! Especially my high school friends.

And that French class thing was just one example--the easiest one to explain because some of the others have long back stories...but ALL THE TIME, I asked to do something and was told no--and then my mom would hear about one of my classmates doing it and go on and on about how wonderful they were!

[Anonymous]

Yup with my cousins until there is some drama and she moves to the next one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

OP here. thank you for posting this. "SO SMART" was something I heard a lot about other girls my age from mom. Mom never took it as far as inviting someone to live with her (wow!) what she was definitely far more maternal to these girls than she was to me. Did people back then or now say "I just loooooove your mom!"

Yes! All the time! Especially my high school friends.

And that French class thing was just one example--the easiest one to explain because some of the others have long back stories...but ALL THE TIME, I asked to do something and was told no--and then my mom would hear about one of my classmates doing it and go on and on about how wonderful they were!

Yes, same here. Continued into adulthood with close friends. The often believe my stories about her but are shocked because she loves to play the role of the doting mother, but is really mean/hateful behind the scenes. It starts to feel like an odd offshoot of gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup with my cousins until there is some drama and she moves to the next one.

OP here. mine does it with cousins too until something rubs her the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

OP here. thank you for posting this. "SO SMART" was something I heard a lot about other girls my age from mom. Mom never took it as far as inviting someone to live with her (wow!) what she was definitely far more maternal to these girls than she was to me. Did people back then or now say "I just loooooove your mom!"

My mom is like this. I completely ignore her now and say isn't that lovely. I remind her when she needs help to call all the people she has helped and gushes about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

OP here. thank you for posting this. "SO SMART" was something I heard a lot about other girls my age from mom. Mom never took it as far as inviting someone to live with her (wow!) what she was definitely far more maternal to these girls than she was to me. Did people back then or now say "I just loooooove your mom!"

Yes! All the time! Especially my high school friends.

And that French class thing was just one example--the easiest one to explain because some of the others have long back stories...but ALL THE TIME, I asked to do something and was told no--and then my mom would hear about one of my classmates doing it and go on and on about how wonderful they were!

Yes, same here. Continued into adulthood with close friends. The often believe my stories about her but are shocked because she loves to play the role of the doting mother, but is really mean/hateful behind the scenes. It starts to feel like an odd offshoot of gaslighting.

OP here. Yes, well put. In the past I questioned my own reality when people adored her so much. I also wondered what was so flawed about me that I didn't deserve her attention. Now, as a mom myself, I mostly see her as just really flawed and pathetic. I could never do that to my own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

OP here. thank you for posting this. "SO SMART" was something I heard a lot about other girls my age from mom. Mom never took it as far as inviting someone to live with her (wow!) what she was definitely far more maternal to these girls than she was to me. Did people back then or now say "I just loooooove your mom!"

Yes! All the time! Especially my high school friends.

And that French class thing was just one example--the easiest one to explain because some of the others have long back stories...but ALL THE TIME, I asked to do something and was told no--and then my mom would hear about one of my classmates doing it and go on and on about how wonderful they were!

Yes, same here. Continued into adulthood with close friends. The often believe my stories about her but are shocked because she loves to play the role of the doting mother, but is really mean/hateful behind the scenes. It starts to feel like an odd offshoot of gaslighting.

Just call her on it. We accidentally saw my mom, her boyfriend and his grandchild when going out to dinner and my kind invited them... was really annoyed as we got stuck with the bill and my mom would do these thing and I'd just say I think you have the wrong person as you never did that for us (i.e saying how lovely my gradation was when she choose not to attend as it was a hassle and going to one of his grandkids). I dont even invite her to my kids events as she refuses to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has a surrogate daughter that she calls her other daughter. She was a childhood friend of mine. My mom would also accuse me of being jealous of this person and her relationship with my mom. Later in life I figured out that my mom was greatly exaggerating the relationship with this other person. She’s currently laying in a hospital bed and neither her real nor surrogate daughter are there. (Before DCUM freaks out on me, I offered to go but my mom said I could only come visit if I leave my nursing baby at home in another state. She likes to test people’s love and affection for her. I stopped playing when I had kids).

You hit on something interesting. The nature of the relationship is very superficial (therefore the surrogate daughter doesn't visit her in the hospital.) I totally understand why you don't and it's justified-your nursing baby must come first. My mom was so infatuated with one surrogate daughter I was creeped out. She gushed way too much about this young woman's exquisite looks (along with her extraordinary charm and personality). Anyway, my mom pretty much ghosted her during a very, very hard time because it was no longer fun and glamorous to have a much younger fancy friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom has a surrogate daughter that she calls her other daughter. She was a childhood friend of mine. My mom would also accuse me of being jealous of this person and her relationship with my mom. Later in life I figured out that my mom was greatly exaggerating the relationship with this other person. She’s currently laying in a hospital bed and neither her real nor surrogate daughter are there. (Before DCUM freaks out on me, I offered to go but my mom said I could only come visit if I leave my nursing baby at home in another state. She likes to test people’s love and affection for her. I stopped playing when I had kids).

You hit on something interesting. The nature of the relationship is very superficial (therefore the surrogate daughter doesn't visit her in the hospital.) I totally understand why you don't and it's justified-your nursing baby must come first. My mom was so infatuated with one surrogate daughter I was creeped out. She gushed way too much about this young woman's exquisite looks (along with her extraordinary charm and personality). Anyway, my mom pretty much ghosted her during a very, very hard time because it was no longer fun and glamorous to have a much younger fancy friend.

My mom says that her mom was absent when she was growing up. And her dad wasn’t in the picture. So I do wonder if she just doesn’t know how to mother or form real relationships with people. I think she has to keep things very shallow, and that’s why she prefers friends to her family. Your family knows too much about you and goes through real things and I think that makes my mom uncomfortable. She is estranged from almost every living relative we have. Which I remind myself of every time I feel guilty for maintaining hard-core boundaries with her. It’s a terrible situation for all of us.