Who here is regularly supporting their adult children financially?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Really, really not. I can offer a much smoother transition for my child and there is nothing wrong with that.

I know someone like you. Not one of their kids is a fully independent adult. Parents pay for almost everything because they are used to their parent's lifestyle, and want it as adults. Because parents didn't want their kids to struggle like they did, the started it in the early years. And here the kids are in their 40s still dependent on mom and dad.

Well I know over 10 kids whose parents help them (we are rich and so are many of our friends). All of those kids, including our 3, are fully functioning adults. All are "living within their means" based on their own income as adults. That means they can afford their rent and daily expenses. The main difference is that these kids are fully saving for retirement and building their non-retirement investments as well and they take fancier vacations (with family and with their friends at times). None of them are struggling to fully adult. If they didn't have the extra funding, they would simply save less. Also all are in great jobs and getting promotions and moving up in their careers. The extra help (if you raise your kids right) just means they know they can take more risks because they have a safety net in place and are not stressed about finances (no student loans, most got a car for college graduation).
These kids are 22-30ish and none are "dependent on mom and dad"

This post has been written hundreds of times. “Our 22 year old is making $500,000 out of college but we still gift and she saves it for retirement.” Such bull.

What’s bull? That they think their kid is making 500k at 22 or that you’re mad high income earning kids still get gifts?

We make 700k combined and still get our $18k/yr gift. It allows us to put half into their college account and use the other half for a wonderful vacation or home improvement splurge.

Our parents love doing this and seeing their money provide a tangible benefit to our lives.

It wasn’t about people in your older age group. It’s about all the posters who claims that their children in their 20’s are all too successful to need help.

People are full of shit if they think their 25 year olds are all making salaries in the 99th% and are saving every dime their parents give them. It’s not reality. People in their 20s are spending the money giving to them by parents or grandparents. I know from experience and just common sense.

My oldest is in NYC and has her own apartment after living in a dorm. She’ll never have to pay her own household expenses and it’s not about a yearly gift. It’s about money in a trust and there are plenty of young people living that way. And plenty who receive money from parents have low income jobs.

That's probably the point of the gift. DH and I are discussing helping our parents out in the future so they can have a nice retirement, and we're worried they would just save the money rather than go on a nice trip.

I'm sure these other people are seeing their children use their gifts the way they were intended to be used, or they would stop giving them those gifts.

FWIW, any person would be proud of their child making top 1% of income from a non-family business. Why wouldn't they lavish their successful child with gifts if they could?[/quote]

This is the problem...it is never no strings attached. I mean, shouldn't a gift be used however the recipient wants? It's not really a gift if they can only use it for X and not for Y.

Also, not following your second comment...so if your 22 year old kid makes $500k working for Citadel and could easily be making $5MM within 5 years, you lavish them with money as a result?

[Anonymous]

I don’t mind if my parents invite us on vacation and pay for it. If we go, we’re there as their guests. We didn’t plan it or decide where to go.

If we plan and go on our own vacation, obviously they don’t pay for that.

People underestimate the tuition tax advantage. For anyone with an estate likely to exceed the lifetime exemption, paying tuition for grandkids is a no brainer. I’m not saying it should be that way, but that’s what policy is encouraging.

[Anonymous]

My parents give gifts without strings. Gifts are gifts, they don’t ask what we do with them. But they aren’t sacrificing anything to give them to us.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have many friends whose parents helped in various ways (I’m in my 50’s) and they are all fine. They are all grown up and responsible. My parents couldn’t help me. I’m fine too. I don’t think helping kids is necessarily enabling them.

It is not "enabling them".
We gift our kids $18K each year--for their Roth IRA and 401K. Yes, our kids would still do the Roth and some 401K if we didn't, as they have good jobs and can afford to do this. But they invest more this way. To us, this is a good use of our $$. The kids are getting millions ($8-10M+ for each) when we die, why not give some of it when it will benefit them the most? They get the tax breaks and most importantly by time they are 30 they will be well set for retirement. They won't have to struggle once they have kids---they can choose to invest a bit less then (however we are still likely to gift them yearly as it's the smart tax way for us---avoid the estate tax little by little).

But our kids are fully functioning adults, they know they invest more than their similar aged friends. They know they are lucky and get fancy vacations if they join us. But they largely live on their own budget and do stuff with friends that is in line with their friends budgets (as cheap as possible).

The cognitive dissonance on this thread and similar are eye-opening. Duh. They invest more because you have funded their lives and retirement in the top 1%.

The best was a couple of months ago on when a woman on the College Forum boasted about her "self-sufficient" son. He was living at home to save the vast majority of his salary and they were going to give him $300K to buy a house.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have many friends whose parents helped in various ways (I’m in my 50’s) and they are all fine. They are all grown up and responsible. My parents couldn’t help me. I’m fine too. I don’t think helping kids is necessarily enabling them.

It is not "enabling them".
We gift our kids $18K each year--for their Roth IRA and 401K. Yes, our kids would still do the Roth and some 401K if we didn't, as they have good jobs and can afford to do this. But they invest more this way. To us, this is a good use of our $$. The kids are getting millions ($8-10M+ for each) when we die, why not give some of it when it will benefit them the most? They get the tax breaks and most importantly by time they are 30 they will be well set for retirement. They won't have to struggle once they have kids---they can choose to invest a bit less then (however we are still likely to gift them yearly as it's the smart tax way for us---avoid the estate tax little by little).

But our kids are fully functioning adults, they know they invest more than their similar aged friends. They know they are lucky and get fancy vacations if they join us. But they largely live on their own budget and do stuff with friends that is in line with their friends budgets (as cheap as possible).

The cognitive dissonance on this thread and similar are eye-opening. Duh. They invest more because you have funded their lives and retirement in the top 1%.

The best was a couple of months ago on when a woman on the College Forum boasted about her "self-sufficient" son. He was living at home to save the vast majority of his salary and they were going to give him $300K to buy a house.

Why does it bother you so so so very much that maybe there are just other people out there who are financially better off?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

This

I can only repeat that I specifically mention health issues would be considered differently. I really don't understand how people can't read.

It's not just health issues, though, it could be that the car breaks down and needs replacement, or daycare costs $2K/month/child and your DD will have to mommy-track or quit her job to care for her children, or the basement floods and the bill is $20K, etc., etc. These are hardly frivolous expenses, but they are expenses that can really burden a young family and set them back.
I've noticed that a lot colleagues who are really able to succeed in their careers and in their family life are people who have family supporting them. They have parents who are happy to take the kids when a parent has to fly out of town for a work conference, or to take the family on vacations for some much-needed down time, or help with that downpayment on a condo so their kids can start building equity.
I'm not saying it's impossible; DH and I have done well for ourselves despite the lack of family help, both monetary and otherwise. But it has been unnecessarily stessful.

Folks, do what you want with your money. However, don't credit your kids' success to really anything they have done on their own when you are paying for everything. I have yet to actually meet any of the "successful" people referenced above that get massive parental welfare. It is weird when you reference the various life events above as somehow so hard for young families...did you receive a ton of $$$s from your parents for all these things?

The few I know live comfortable lives, but don't have high-powered careers, nor are any of them the type willing to start a company or really take any life/career risks. Of course, their comfortable lives are directly related to still getting allowances as adults.

Again, it's fine. I mean, nobody thinks it is weird when scions of the Disney or Johnson&Johnson families transfer hundreds millions or even billions to their kids. I guess if you have so much money that you are struggling with what to do with it, then it seems more acceptable/rational to create elaborate trusts and other tax schemes to preserve it.

You seem a bit sheltered and likely don't know many people who do have much parental financial help. I know many successful adults who had parental "assistance" because the parents have money. I know some in high-powered careers and others in careers they love that typically don't pay as much (Social Work, teaching, etc) but are essential to our society surviving. Also know some who take career risks/start a company. They are able to choose all of these more easily because they know there is a fall back. Much easier to be a Social worker or therapist when you know your income doesn't matter, so you can do what you are great at and love. You can start a small business in an area of interest because you have the seed money, and the ability to live well while/until the business takes off.

So, you basically hang around with lots of parent welfare recipients? That's weird. Sounds like you are a parent welfare recipient yourself.

Give me an example of this "high-powered career"? You do realize that 99% of social workers and teachers don't live on parent welfare, right?

I think you are also inventing the truly successful small business (vs. a lifestyle business) that somehow succeeds because of parent welfare. I mean, that's every great business story, right? Google was only founded because Sergei and Larry received generous parent stipends (oh wait, that didn't happen). I remember those scenes from the Social Network (oops maybe that's the director's cut).

“Parent welfare“?? Someone is very jealous and resentful that there are people out there who have families with money. yes, some people have to work hard to get where they are and other people have a little help. It doesn’t make them bad people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have many friends whose parents helped in various ways (I’m in my 50’s) and they are all fine. They are all grown up and responsible. My parents couldn’t help me. I’m fine too. I don’t think helping kids is necessarily enabling them.

It is not "enabling them".
We gift our kids $18K each year--for their Roth IRA and 401K. Yes, our kids would still do the Roth and some 401K if we didn't, as they have good jobs and can afford to do this. But they invest more this way. To us, this is a good use of our $$. The kids are getting millions ($8-10M+ for each) when we die, why not give some of it when it will benefit them the most? They get the tax breaks and most importantly by time they are 30 they will be well set for retirement. They won't have to struggle once they have kids---they can choose to invest a bit less then (however we are still likely to gift them yearly as it's the smart tax way for us---avoid the estate tax little by little).

But our kids are fully functioning adults, they know they invest more than their similar aged friends. They know they are lucky and get fancy vacations if they join us. But they largely live on their own budget and do stuff with friends that is in line with their friends budgets (as cheap as possible).

The cognitive dissonance on this thread and similar are eye-opening. Duh. They invest more because you have funded their lives and retirement in the top 1%.

The best was a couple of months ago on when a woman on the College Forum boasted about her "self-sufficient" son. He was living at home to save the vast majority of his salary and they were going to give him $300K to buy a house.

Why does it bother you so so so very much that maybe there are just other people out there who are financially better off?

You misread, my friend. I didn't say it bothered me. I said the cognitive dissonance was fascinating.

I also find it curious that you assume we don't have a high NW, as if any group is a monolith. But you are correct that people "out there" are financially better off than us, which is true for everyone on this board. So, there's that.

[Anonymous]

Our parents still help us with childcare/school expenses because they wanted the grandkids to receive a religious education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our parents still help us with childcare/school expenses because they wanted the grandkids to receive a religious education.

My MIL is always going on about how great a certain religious day school is but has never offered to pay a cent towards tuition if our kids went there. At least your parents put their money where their mouth is!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Really, really not. I can offer a much smoother transition for my child and there is nothing wrong with that.

I know someone like you. Not one of their kids is a fully independent adult. Parents pay for almost everything because they are used to their parent's lifestyle, and want it as adults. Because parents didn't want their kids to struggle like they did, the started it in the early years. And here the kids are in their 40s still dependent on mom and dad.

Well I know over 10 kids whose parents help them (we are rich and so are many of our friends). All of those kids, including our 3, are fully functioning adults. All are "living within their means" based on their own income as adults. That means they can afford their rent and daily expenses. The main difference is that these kids are fully saving for retirement and building their non-retirement investments as well and they take fancier vacations (with family and with their friends at times). None of them are struggling to fully adult. If they didn't have the extra funding, they would simply save less. Also all are in great jobs and getting promotions and moving up in their careers. The extra help (if you raise your kids right) just means they know they can take more risks because they have a safety net in place and are not stressed about finances (no student loans, most got a car for college graduation).
These kids are 22-30ish and none are "dependent on mom and dad"

This post has been written hundreds of times. “Our 22 year old is making $500,000 out of college but we still gift and she saves it for retirement.” Such bull.

What’s bull? That they think their kid is making 500k at 22 or that you’re mad high income earning kids still get gifts?

We make 700k combined and still get our $18k/yr gift. It allows us to put half into their college account and use the other half for a wonderful vacation or home improvement splurge.

Our parents love doing this and seeing their money provide a tangible benefit to our lives.

It wasn’t about people in your older age group. It’s about all the posters who claims that their children in their 20’s are all too successful to need help.

People are full of shit if they think their 25 year olds are all making salaries in the 99th% and are saving every dime their parents give them. It’s not reality. People in their 20s are spending the money giving to them by parents or grandparents. I know from experience and just common sense.

My oldest is in NYC and has her own apartment after living in a dorm. She’ll never have to pay her own household expenses and it’s not about a yearly gift. It’s about money in a trust and there are plenty of young people living that way. And plenty who receive money from parents have low income jobs.

That's probably the point of the gift. DH and I are discussing helping our parents out in the future so they can have a nice retirement, and we're worried they would just save the money rather than go on a nice trip.

I'm sure these other people are seeing their children use their gifts the way they were intended to be used, or they would stop giving them those gifts.

FWIW, any person would be proud of their child making top 1% of income from a non-family business. Why wouldn't they lavish their successful child with gifts if they could?

It’s people who make stuff up that makes the OP so insecure. One poster claimed that all the kids in their 20s that she knew were making salaries in the 1% range and are saving the money their parents give them for retirement. If people were honest it would make for a better conversation.

Plenty of us are proud of our kids who are doing better than expected and are proud no matter what their salary is. But when everyone claims they don’t need the money their parents give them that’s not true.

[Anonymous]

I won't be 'supporting' them but I will definitely be helping when I can with school tuition or a house down payment or 15k gifting, etc. It is just how it has been done in my family for generations. Nobody is a deadbeat either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s probably an important distinction between “supporting” in the sense of someone being unable to live on their own vs transferring money because you can and want to.

Fwiw having grown up very privileged around lots of other privileged kids, my approach as a parent will to provide be a conditional safety net or no strings attached gifts. If my kid has a job and is living in NYC I’d rather give her $15k in January if I want to than pay half her rent or whatever. She can figure out what to do with it. I’d probably commit to those gifts for X years for planning purposes. But if she loses her job, she can always come home to live with us subject to certain conditions like reasonable sobriety, seeking employment etc. What I want to avoid is a kind of long term, controlling financial entanglement.

This is a fairly enlightened approach. I too would seek to avoid controlling financial entanglement. That's very well said. Planned gifts and transparency in addition to an expectation of hard work and financial self sufficiency are crucial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are still supporting them, then you have failed.

We help support our kid who is going to school and working FT in a HCOL area. He did not finish college because he was in rehab, so his FT service job is stable, healthy for him, but not lucrative. He is alive, healthy, and working his way to becoming self-sufficient. I am so proud of him and feel like our ability to ensure he stays in school, goes to therapy, and has a supportive place to live is a great investment. I do not think I am failing in supporting him. I’m glad you didn’t have to make those choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are still supporting them, then you have failed.

We help support our kid who is going to school and working FT in a HCOL area. He did not finish college because he was in rehab, so his FT service job is stable, healthy for him, but not lucrative. He is alive, healthy, and working his way to becoming self-sufficient. I am so proud of him and feel like our ability to ensure he stays in school, goes to therapy, and has a supportive place to live is a great investment. I do not think I am failing in supporting him. I’m glad you didn’t have to make those choices.

Don’t even pay attention to posts that make dumb blanket statements like “you failed”.

I’m glad he’s doing well and he might not be if you hadn’t been there for him. There are so many families who have a child who was diagnosed with mental illness in their late teens or got into drugs, or just need help with support because they will only be able to work a low paying job.

Family support is everything in these situations. I would be proud too, you have not failed.

[Anonymous]

I don't care what anyone thinks. We help not only our kids but siblings and grandchildren too.
It's rough right now and if they need and we can help we will.
Some of you people are so selfish. Is it a DC thing to be like that ?