Who here is regularly supporting their adult children financially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

This

I can only repeat that I specifically mention health issues would be considered differently. I really don't understand how people can't read.

It's not just health issues, though, it could be that the car breaks down and needs replacement, or daycare costs $2K/month/child and your DD will have to mommy-track or quit her job to care for her children, or the basement floods and the bill is $20K, etc., etc. These are hardly frivolous expenses, but they are expenses that can really burden a young family and set them back.
I've noticed that a lot colleagues who are really able to succeed in their careers and in their family life are people who have family supporting them. They have parents who are happy to take the kids when a parent has to fly out of town for a work conference, or to take the family on vacations for some much-needed down time, or help with that downpayment on a condo so their kids can start building equity.
I'm not saying it's impossible; DH and I have done well for ourselves despite the lack of family help, both monetary and otherwise. But it has been unnecessarily stessful.

Folks, do what you want with your money. However, don't credit your kids' success to really anything they have done on their own when you are paying for everything. I have yet to actually meet any of the "successful" people referenced above that get massive parental welfare. It is weird when you reference the various life events above as somehow so hard for young families...did you receive a ton of $$$s from your parents for all these things?

The few I know live comfortable lives, but don't have high-powered careers, nor are any of them the type willing to start a company or really take any life/career risks. Of course, their comfortable lives are directly related to still getting allowances as adults.

Again, it's fine. I mean, nobody thinks it is weird when scions of the Disney or Johnson&Johnson families transfer hundreds millions or even billions to their kids. I guess if you have so much money that you are struggling with what to do with it, then it seems more acceptable/rational to create elaborate trusts and other tax schemes to preserve it.

You seem a bit sheltered and likely don't know many people who do have much parental financial help. I know many successful adults who had parental "assistance" because the parents have money. I know some in high-powered careers and others in careers they love that typically don't pay as much (Social Work, teaching, etc) but are essential to our society surviving. Also know some who take career risks/start a company. They are able to choose all of these more easily because they know there is a fall back. Much easier to be a Social worker or therapist when you know your income doesn't matter, so you can do what you are great at and love. You can start a small business in an area of interest because you have the seed money, and the ability to live well while/until the business takes off.

So, you basically hang around with lots of parent welfare recipients? That's weird. Sounds like you are a parent welfare recipient yourself.

Give me an example of this "high-powered career"? You do realize that 99% of social workers and teachers don't live on parent welfare, right?

I think you are also inventing the truly successful small business (vs. a lifestyle business) that somehow succeeds because of parent welfare. I mean, that's every great business story, right? Google was only founded because Sergei and Larry received generous parent stipends (oh wait, that didn't happen). I remember those scenes from the Social Network (oops maybe that's the director's cut).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Really, really not. I can offer a much smoother transition for my child and there is nothing wrong with that.

I know someone like you. Not one of their kids is a fully independent adult. Parents pay for almost everything because they are used to their parent's lifestyle, and want it as adults. Because parents didn't want their kids to struggle like they did, the started it in the early years. And here the kids are in their 40s still dependent on mom and dad.

Well I know over 10 kids whose parents help them (we are rich and so are many of our friends). All of those kids, including our 3, are fully functioning adults. All are "living within their means" based on their own income as adults. That means they can afford their rent and daily expenses. The main difference is that these kids are fully saving for retirement and building their non-retirement investments as well and they take fancier vacations (with family and with their friends at times). None of them are struggling to fully adult. If they didn't have the extra funding, they would simply save less. Also all are in great jobs and getting promotions and moving up in their careers. The extra help (if you raise your kids right) just means they know they can take more risks because they have a safety net in place and are not stressed about finances (no student loans, most got a car for college graduation).
These kids are 22-30ish and none are "dependent on mom and dad"

This post has been written hundreds of times. “Our 22 year old is making $500,000 out of college but we still gift and she saves it for retirement.” Such bull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

This

I can only repeat that I specifically mention health issues would be considered differently. I really don't understand how people can't read.

It's not just health issues, though, it could be that the car breaks down and needs replacement, or daycare costs $2K/month/child and your DD will have to mommy-track or quit her job to care for her children, or the basement floods and the bill is $20K, etc., etc. These are hardly frivolous expenses, but they are expenses that can really burden a young family and set them back.
I've noticed that a lot colleagues who are really able to succeed in their careers and in their family life are people who have family supporting them. They have parents who are happy to take the kids when a parent has to fly out of town for a work conference, or to take the family on vacations for some much-needed down time, or help with that downpayment on a condo so their kids can start building equity.
I'm not saying it's impossible; DH and I have done well for ourselves despite the lack of family help, both monetary and otherwise. But it has been unnecessarily stessful.

Folks, do what you want with your money. However, don't credit your kids' success to really anything they have done on their own when you are paying for everything. I have yet to actually meet any of the "successful" people referenced above that get massive parental welfare. It is weird when you reference the various life events above as somehow so hard for young families...did you receive a ton of $$$s from your parents for all these things?

The few I know live comfortable lives, but don't have high-powered careers, nor are any of them the type willing to start a company or really take any life/career risks. Of course, their comfortable lives are directly related to still getting allowances as adults.

Again, it's fine. I mean, nobody thinks it is weird when scions of the Disney or Johnson&Johnson families transfer hundreds millions or even billions to their kids. I guess if you have so much money that you are struggling with what to do with it, then it seems more acceptable/rational to create elaborate trusts and other tax schemes to preserve it.

You seem a bit sheltered and likely don't know many people who do have much parental financial help. I know many successful adults who had parental "assistance" because the parents have money. I know some in high-powered careers and others in careers they love that typically don't pay as much (Social Work, teaching, etc) but are essential to our society surviving. Also know some who take career risks/start a company. They are able to choose all of these more easily because they know there is a fall back. Much easier to be a Social worker or therapist when you know your income doesn't matter, so you can do what you are great at and love. You can start a small business in an area of interest because you have the seed money, and the ability to live well while/until the business takes off.

So, you basically hang around with lots of parent welfare recipients? That's weird. Sounds like you are a parent welfare recipient yourself.

Give me an example of this "high-powered career"? You do realize that 99% of social workers and teachers don't live on parent welfare, right?

I think you are also inventing the truly successful small business (vs. a lifestyle business) that somehow succeeds because of parent welfare. I mean, that's every great business story, right? Google was only founded because Sergei and Larry received generous parent stipends (oh wait, that didn't happen). I remember those scenes from the Social Network (oops maybe that's the director's cut).

Dp but I don't think pp knows many people with intergenerational wealth. I worked at a top firm for what was oddly low pay. I couldn't figure out how everyone was surviving and paying for private schools, houses, vacations, renovations on those houses until I figured out that they were receiving money from family. It came in different ways: family paid for vacations or foot the bill for the private schools. The family names were definitely old money. No one lived ostentatiously and it was quiet but everyone had parents giving them stipends and paying for extras. There was no shame in it. It was simply expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Really, really not. I can offer a much smoother transition for my child and there is nothing wrong with that.

I know someone like you. Not one of their kids is a fully independent adult. Parents pay for almost everything because they are used to their parent's lifestyle, and want it as adults. Because parents didn't want their kids to struggle like they did, the started it in the early years. And here the kids are in their 40s still dependent on mom and dad.

Well I know over 10 kids whose parents help them (we are rich and so are many of our friends). All of those kids, including our 3, are fully functioning adults. All are "living within their means" based on their own income as adults. That means they can afford their rent and daily expenses. The main difference is that these kids are fully saving for retirement and building their non-retirement investments as well and they take fancier vacations (with family and with their friends at times). None of them are struggling to fully adult. If they didn't have the extra funding, they would simply save less. Also all are in great jobs and getting promotions and moving up in their careers. The extra help (if you raise your kids right) just means they know they can take more risks because they have a safety net in place and are not stressed about finances (no student loans, most got a car for college graduation).
These kids are 22-30ish and none are "dependent on mom and dad"

This post has been written hundreds of times. “Our 22 year old is making $500,000 out of college but we still gift and she saves it for retirement.” Such bull.

What’s bull? That they think their kid is making 500k at 22 or that you’re mad high income earning kids still get gifts?

We make 700k combined and still get our $18k/yr gift. It allows us to put half into their college account and use the other half for a wonderful vacation or home improvement splurge.

Our parents love doing this and seeing their money provide a tangible benefit to our lives.

[Anonymous]

Gifting adult kids money is divisive even on this board. Do those of you gifting your adult children money have the full support of your spouse? My spouse and I disagree on this point, and it is a major source of contention. From a strictly financial perspective, I might be better off getting a divorce rather than doing estate (and gift) planning with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

This

I can only repeat that I specifically mention health issues would be considered differently. I really don't understand how people can't read.

It's not just health issues, though, it could be that the car breaks down and needs replacement, or daycare costs $2K/month/child and your DD will have to mommy-track or quit her job to care for her children, or the basement floods and the bill is $20K, etc., etc. These are hardly frivolous expenses, but they are expenses that can really burden a young family and set them back.
I've noticed that a lot colleagues who are really able to succeed in their careers and in their family life are people who have family supporting them. They have parents who are happy to take the kids when a parent has to fly out of town for a work conference, or to take the family on vacations for some much-needed down time, or help with that downpayment on a condo so their kids can start building equity.
I'm not saying it's impossible; DH and I have done well for ourselves despite the lack of family help, both monetary and otherwise. But it has been unnecessarily stessful.

Folks, do what you want with your money. However, don't credit your kids' success to really anything they have done on their own when you are paying for everything. I have yet to actually meet any of the "successful" people referenced above that get massive parental welfare. It is weird when you reference the various life events above as somehow so hard for young families...did you receive a ton of $$$s from your parents for all these things?

The few I know live comfortable lives, but don't have high-powered careers, nor are any of them the type willing to start a company or really take any life/career risks. Of course, their comfortable lives are directly related to still getting allowances as adults.

Again, it's fine. I mean, nobody thinks it is weird when scions of the Disney or Johnson&Johnson families transfer hundreds millions or even billions to their kids. I guess if you have so much money that you are struggling with what to do with it, then it seems more acceptable/rational to create elaborate trusts and other tax schemes to preserve it.

This is so weird. The situations I outlined in my post certainly do not constitute "paying for everything." Helping to pay for a replacement car, helping with childcare, or a downpayment on a condo are not "everything." Kids still need to pay for their housing, food, insurance, etc. But having parental help as a safety net or as a springboard is a huge help and a big part of establishing or maintaining generational wealth. As parents, we are not expecting to pay for all of our kids' living expenses as adults, but we definitely plan to be there to help them out.
The refusal to think of money in this way reminds me of parents on the college forum who are adamant that SLACs are inferior to large universities even when extremely well educated and well-off parents and even professors are advising that SLACs are just as good, if not better, than large universities. You don't need to take anyone's anonymous advice, but it's advice probably worth mulling over rather than digging in your ignorant heels and rejecting outright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

This

I can only repeat that I specifically mention health issues would be considered differently. I really don't understand how people can't read.

It's not just health issues, though, it could be that the car breaks down and needs replacement, or daycare costs $2K/month/child and your DD will have to mommy-track or quit her job to care for her children, or the basement floods and the bill is $20K, etc., etc. These are hardly frivolous expenses, but they are expenses that can really burden a young family and set them back.
I've noticed that a lot colleagues who are really able to succeed in their careers and in their family life are people who have family supporting them. They have parents who are happy to take the kids when a parent has to fly out of town for a work conference, or to take the family on vacations for some much-needed down time, or help with that downpayment on a condo so their kids can start building equity.
I'm not saying it's impossible; DH and I have done well for ourselves despite the lack of family help, both monetary and otherwise. But it has been unnecessarily stessful.

Folks, do what you want with your money. However, don't credit your kids' success to really anything they have done on their own when you are paying for everything. I have yet to actually meet any of the "successful" people referenced above that get massive parental welfare. It is weird when you reference the various life events above as somehow so hard for young families...did you receive a ton of $$$s from your parents for all these things?

The few I know live comfortable lives, but don't have high-powered careers, nor are any of them the type willing to start a company or really take any life/career risks. Of course, their comfortable lives are directly related to still getting allowances as adults.

Again, it's fine. I mean, nobody thinks it is weird when scions of the Disney or Johnson&Johnson families transfer hundreds millions or even billions to their kids. I guess if you have so much money that you are struggling with what to do with it, then it seems more acceptable/rational to create elaborate trusts and other tax schemes to preserve it.

This is so weird. The situations I outlined in my post certainly do not constitute "paying for everything." Helping to pay for a replacement car, helping with childcare, or a downpayment on a condo are not "everything." Kids still need to pay for their housing, food, insurance, etc. But having parental help as a safety net or as a springboard is a huge help and a big part of establishing or maintaining generational wealth. As parents, we are not expecting to pay for all of our kids' living expenses as adults, but we definitely plan to be there to help them out.
The refusal to think of money in this way reminds me of parents on the college forum who are adamant that SLACs are inferior to large universities even when extremely well educated and well-off parents and even professors are advising that SLACs are just as good, if not better, than large universities. You don't need to take anyone's anonymous advice, but it's advice probably worth mulling over rather than digging in your ignorant heels and rejecting outright.

Not sure how you remotely equate the two. Raising kids and securing shelter certainly seem like most of the core functions of parents and the vast majority don't rely on parent handouts. Again, if your kid can't pay to replace a car, then your kid is seriously struggling.

I fully appreciate the value of Williams vs. Ohio State. I don't understand at all why you would equate the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Really, really not. I can offer a much smoother transition for my child and there is nothing wrong with that.

I know someone like you. Not one of their kids is a fully independent adult. Parents pay for almost everything because they are used to their parent's lifestyle, and want it as adults. Because parents didn't want their kids to struggle like they did, the started it in the early years. And here the kids are in their 40s still dependent on mom and dad.

Well I know over 10 kids whose parents help them (we are rich and so are many of our friends). All of those kids, including our 3, are fully functioning adults. All are "living within their means" based on their own income as adults. That means they can afford their rent and daily expenses. The main difference is that these kids are fully saving for retirement and building their non-retirement investments as well and they take fancier vacations (with family and with their friends at times). None of them are struggling to fully adult. If they didn't have the extra funding, they would simply save less. Also all are in great jobs and getting promotions and moving up in their careers. The extra help (if you raise your kids right) just means they know they can take more risks because they have a safety net in place and are not stressed about finances (no student loans, most got a car for college graduation).
These kids are 22-30ish and none are "dependent on mom and dad"

This post has been written hundreds of times. “Our 22 year old is making $500,000 out of college but we still gift and she saves it for retirement.” Such bull.

What’s bull? That they think their kid is making 500k at 22 or that you’re mad high income earning kids still get gifts?

We make 700k combined and still get our $18k/yr gift. It allows us to put half into their college account and use the other half for a wonderful vacation or home improvement splurge.

Our parents love doing this and seeing their money provide a tangible benefit to our lives.

My God are you burning through $700K/yr (minus taxes) so you need parents to gift you a vacation?

Eat the gd rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

This

I can only repeat that I specifically mention health issues would be considered differently. I really don't understand how people can't read.

It's not just health issues, though, it could be that the car breaks down and needs replacement, or daycare costs $2K/month/child and your DD will have to mommy-track or quit her job to care for her children, or the basement floods and the bill is $20K, etc., etc. These are hardly frivolous expenses, but they are expenses that can really burden a young family and set them back.
I've noticed that a lot colleagues who are really able to succeed in their careers and in their family life are people who have family supporting them. They have parents who are happy to take the kids when a parent has to fly out of town for a work conference, or to take the family on vacations for some much-needed down time, or help with that downpayment on a condo so their kids can start building equity.
I'm not saying it's impossible; DH and I have done well for ourselves despite the lack of family help, both monetary and otherwise. But it has been unnecessarily stessful.

Folks, do what you want with your money. However, don't credit your kids' success to really anything they have done on their own when you are paying for everything. I have yet to actually meet any of the "successful" people referenced above that get massive parental welfare. It is weird when you reference the various life events above as somehow so hard for young families...did you receive a ton of $$$s from your parents for all these things?

The few I know live comfortable lives, but don't have high-powered careers, nor are any of them the type willing to start a company or really take any life/career risks. Of course, their comfortable lives are directly related to still getting allowances as adults.

Again, it's fine. I mean, nobody thinks it is weird when scions of the Disney or Johnson&Johnson families transfer hundreds millions or even billions to their kids. I guess if you have so much money that you are struggling with what to do with it, then it seems more acceptable/rational to create elaborate trusts and other tax schemes to preserve it.

This is so weird. The situations I outlined in my post certainly do not constitute "paying for everything." Helping to pay for a replacement car, helping with childcare, or a downpayment on a condo are not "everything." Kids still need to pay for their housing, food, insurance, etc. But having parental help as a safety net or as a springboard is a huge help and a big part of establishing or maintaining generational wealth. As parents, we are not expecting to pay for all of our kids' living expenses as adults, but we definitely plan to be there to help them out.
The refusal to think of money in this way reminds me of parents on the college forum who are adamant that SLACs are inferior to large universities even when extremely well educated and well-off parents and even professors are advising that SLACs are just as good, if not better, than large universities. You don't need to take anyone's anonymous advice, but it's advice probably worth mulling over rather than digging in your ignorant heels and rejecting outright.

Not sure how you remotely equate the two. Raising kids and securing shelter certainly seem like most of the core functions of parents and the vast majority don't rely on parent handouts. Again, if your kid can't pay to replace a car, then your kid is seriously struggling.

I fully appreciate the value of Williams vs. Ohio State. I don't understand at all why you would equate the two.

In most worlds, paying $2K/month for childcare is a lot of money for a young family. And helping with a downpayment is not the same as paying a mortgage. I don't see why as a parent you prefer to see your kids and grandkids struggle unnecessarily. I'd rather see my kids spend time with their children than have to take on overtime, moonlight, or take on a part-time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Really, really not. I can offer a much smoother transition for my child and there is nothing wrong with that.

I know someone like you. Not one of their kids is a fully independent adult. Parents pay for almost everything because they are used to their parent's lifestyle, and want it as adults. Because parents didn't want their kids to struggle like they did, the started it in the early years. And here the kids are in their 40s still dependent on mom and dad.

Well I know over 10 kids whose parents help them (we are rich and so are many of our friends). All of those kids, including our 3, are fully functioning adults. All are "living within their means" based on their own income as adults. That means they can afford their rent and daily expenses. The main difference is that these kids are fully saving for retirement and building their non-retirement investments as well and they take fancier vacations (with family and with their friends at times). None of them are struggling to fully adult. If they didn't have the extra funding, they would simply save less. Also all are in great jobs and getting promotions and moving up in their careers. The extra help (if you raise your kids right) just means they know they can take more risks because they have a safety net in place and are not stressed about finances (no student loans, most got a car for college graduation).
These kids are 22-30ish and none are "dependent on mom and dad"

This post has been written hundreds of times. “Our 22 year old is making $500,000 out of college but we still gift and she saves it for retirement.” Such bull.

What’s bull? That they think their kid is making 500k at 22 or that you’re mad high income earning kids still get gifts?

We make 700k combined and still get our $18k/yr gift. It allows us to put half into their college account and use the other half for a wonderful vacation or home improvement splurge.

Our parents love doing this and seeing their money provide a tangible benefit to our lives.

It wasn’t about people in your older age group. It’s about all the posters who claims that their children in their 20’s are all too successful to need help.

People are full of shit if they think their 25 year olds are all making salaries in the 99th% and are saving every dime their parents give them. It’s not reality. People in their 20s are spending the money giving to them by parents or grandparents. I know from experience and just common sense.

My oldest is in NYC and has her own apartment after living in a dorm. She’ll never have to pay her own household expenses and it’s not about a yearly gift. It’s about money in a trust and there are plenty of young people living that way. And plenty who receive money from parents have low income jobs.

[Anonymous]

I grew up quite poor, single mom who worked very very hard. She paid my college (low cost local), which was likely a stretch. I moved out on my own for 9 months and hated it and moved back in, and paid $200/mon rent. I ended up saving up like crazy and bought a house at 25. I've been on my own phone plan since 14 (she wouldn't buy me a phone LOL). I received her old car when she bought a new one for no cost. I'm very grateful for what she was able to provide! Buying my house really set me up for success.

My DH is still on his parents phone plan too lol. His brother, who has 2 kids, also is.

[Anonymous]

Someone on this forum is very bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Really, really not. I can offer a much smoother transition for my child and there is nothing wrong with that.

I know someone like you. Not one of their kids is a fully independent adult. Parents pay for almost everything because they are used to their parent's lifestyle, and want it as adults. Because parents didn't want their kids to struggle like they did, the started it in the early years. And here the kids are in their 40s still dependent on mom and dad.

Well I know over 10 kids whose parents help them (we are rich and so are many of our friends). All of those kids, including our 3, are fully functioning adults. All are "living within their means" based on their own income as adults. That means they can afford their rent and daily expenses. The main difference is that these kids are fully saving for retirement and building their non-retirement investments as well and they take fancier vacations (with family and with their friends at times). None of them are struggling to fully adult. If they didn't have the extra funding, they would simply save less. Also all are in great jobs and getting promotions and moving up in their careers. The extra help (if you raise your kids right) just means they know they can take more risks because they have a safety net in place and are not stressed about finances (no student loans, most got a car for college graduation).
These kids are 22-30ish and none are "dependent on mom and dad"

This post has been written hundreds of times. “Our 22 year old is making $500,000 out of college but we still gift and she saves it for retirement.” Such bull.

What’s bull? That they think their kid is making 500k at 22 or that you’re mad high income earning kids still get gifts?

We make 700k combined and still get our $18k/yr gift. It allows us to put half into their college account and use the other half for a wonderful vacation or home improvement splurge.

Our parents love doing this and seeing their money provide a tangible benefit to our lives.

It wasn’t about people in your older age group. It’s about all the posters who claims that their children in their 20’s are all too successful to need help.

People are full of shit if they think their 25 year olds are all making salaries in the 99th% and are saving every dime their parents give them. It’s not reality. People in their 20s are spending the money giving to them by parents or grandparents. I know from experience and just common sense.

My oldest is in NYC and has her own apartment after living in a dorm. She’ll never have to pay her own household expenses and it’s not about a yearly gift. It’s about money in a trust and there are plenty of young people living that way. And plenty who receive money from parents have low income jobs.

That's probably the point of the gift. DH and I are discussing helping our parents out in the future so they can have a nice retirement, and we're worried they would just save the money rather than go on a nice trip.

I'm sure these other people are seeing their children use their gifts the way they were intended to be used, or they would stop giving them those gifts.

FWIW, any person would be proud of their child making top 1% of income from a non-family business. Why wouldn't they lavish their successful child with gifts if they could?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

What will you do when they have another baby next year?

[Anonymous]

I'm 57 and my mom and dad are still supporting me....