SAHM with Au Pair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:RE: Vacations

Another poster here.
And I work.

I often don't take my AP on vacations, not because I can't financially, but because I don't want to.

I am divorced. My kids are older (9 and almost 12) and I STILL don't need her help on a vacation.

Since I don't need her, it would be would I want her to tag along.

Even with my rockstars or best APs...no.

It is our vacation. Not hers.

And this right here is what's wrong with the au pair program.

For so many American families, it is primarily child care, and only cultural exchange by "accident" because they're living in an American home.

Do the au pairs also expect it to be purely employment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: Vacations

Another poster here.
And I work.

I often don't take my AP on vacations, not because I can't financially, but because I don't want to.

I am divorced. My kids are older (9 and almost 12) and I STILL don't need her help on a vacation.

Since I don't need her, it would be would I want her to tag along.

Even with my rockstars or best APs...no.

It is our vacation. Not hers.

And this right here is what's wrong with the au pair program.

For so many American families, it is primarily child care, and only cultural exchange by "accident" because they're living in an American home.

Do the au pairs also expect it to be purely employment?

Let's be real here. The AP program is about childcare first for the HF. Most families are interested in cultural exchange but cultural exchange comes second or third but not first. It is not by "accident" that I chose the AP program. If I did not need the cultural exchange at all, I would have looked into domestic childcare options and save the drama of having a stranger live in my home. If I can find someone in the US who can work my schedule, give me the language and culture, and does not need to live with me - I take it but, I could not find such a person. I wanted the language and culture in the home but it will never take priority over childcare. Just like I might find the AP to be a fabulous person but if she does a poor childcare job, I will still treat her like my own niece and stay in touch with her and invite her to visit, but she will not be my AP anymore. If it was a cultural exchange first, then an exchange student program or some other program may be more fitting for that family.

As parents, we don't get to spend much quality time with our kids especially if we have long hours and demanding jobs. We treasure alone time with our kids and that may mean vacation time is a sacred non-AP opportunity for parents to have quality time with the kids without the daily distractions of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: Vacations

Another poster here.
And I work.

I often don't take my AP on vacations, not because I can't financially, but because I don't want to.

I am divorced. My kids are older (9 and almost 12) and I STILL don't need her help on a vacation.

Since I don't need her, it would be would I want her to tag along.

Even with my rockstars or best APs...no.

It is our vacation. Not hers.

And this right here is what's wrong with the au pair program.

For so many American families, it is primarily child care, and only cultural exchange by "accident" because they're living in an American home.

Do the au pairs also expect it to be purely employment?

Please let's stop judging one another.

My au pairs come from a country where people get 8 weeks vacation + another 10 paid holidays.

Here, we have 2 weeks together as a family during the year. I get enough blame as it is being a WOHM to be judged for wanting some a little alone time with my family. Please let's stop this.

[Anonymous]

My au pairs come from a country where people get 8 weeks vacation + another 10 paid holidays.

Here, we have 2 weeks together as a family during the year. I get enough blame as it is being a WOHM to be judged for wanting some a little alone time with my family. Please let's stop this.

Yet for a SAHM taking an au pair on vacation to facilitate her having some downtime on vacation might be just a great. You yourself are judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My au pairs come from a country where people get 8 weeks vacation + another 10 paid holidays.

Here, we have 2 weeks together as a family during the year. I get enough blame as it is being a WOHM to be judged for wanting some a little alone time with my family. Please let's stop this.

Yet for a SAHM taking an au pair on vacation to facilitate her having some downtime on vacation might be just a great. You yourself are judging.

I am so not judging anyone, merely responding to being judged. Take your au pair on vacation if you want. I have done it before myself. Just don't want to hear that if I don't then I am not in the spirit of the program. To each their own.

[Anonymous]

For the life of me I will never understand why an AP would even want to go on vacation with HF versus having a week(s) to travel with friends or have the house to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the life of me I will never understand why an AP would even want to go on vacation with HF versus having a week(s) to travel with friends or have the house to themselves.

Because a lot of HFs go to laces the au pair wouldn't plan to go or can't afford to go. To see more of the country. To have more experiences. To feel like part of a family while they're away from their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: Vacations

Another poster here.
And I work.

I often don't take my AP on vacations, not because I can't financially, but because I don't want to.

I am divorced. My kids are older (9 and almost 12) and I STILL don't need her help on a vacation.

Since I don't need her, it would be would I want her to tag along.

Even with my rockstars or best APs...no.

It is our vacation. Not hers.

And this right here is what's wrong with the au pair program.

For so many American families, it is primarily child care, and only cultural exchange by "accident" because they're living in an American home.

Do the au pairs also expect it to be purely employment?

Let's be real here. The AP program is about childcare first for the HF. Most families are interested in cultural exchange but cultural exchange comes second or third but not first. It is not by "accident" that I chose the AP program. If I did not need the cultural exchange at all, I would have looked into domestic childcare options and save the drama of having a stranger live in my home. If I can find someone in the US who can work my schedule, give me the language and culture, and does not need to live with me - I take it but, I could not find such a person. I wanted the language and culture in the home but it will never take priority over childcare. Just like I might find the AP to be a fabulous person but if she does a poor childcare job, I will still treat her like my own niece and stay in touch with her and invite her to visit, but she will not be my AP anymore. If it was a cultural exchange first, then an exchange student program or some other program may be more fitting for that family.

As parents, we don't get to spend much quality time with our kids especially if we have long hours and demanding jobs. We treasure alone time with our kids and that may mean vacation time is a sacred non-AP opportunity for parents to have quality time with the kids without the daily distractions of work.

The cultural exchange part is supposed to go both ways ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: Vacations

Another poster here.
And I work.

I often don't take my AP on vacations, not because I can't financially, but because I don't want to.

I am divorced. My kids are older (9 and almost 12) and I STILL don't need her help on a vacation.

Since I don't need her, it would be would I want her to tag along.

Even with my rockstars or best APs...no.

It is our vacation. Not hers.

And this right here is what's wrong with the au pair program.

For so many American families, it is primarily child care, and only cultural exchange by "accident" because they're living in an American home.

Do the au pairs also expect it to be purely employment?

Let's be real here. The AP program is about childcare first for the HF. Most families are interested in cultural exchange but cultural exchange comes second or third but not first. It is not by "accident" that I chose the AP program. If I did not need the cultural exchange at all, I would have looked into domestic childcare options and save the drama of having a stranger live in my home. If I can find someone in the US who can work my schedule, give me the language and culture, and does not need to live with me - I take it but, I could not find such a person. I wanted the language and culture in the home but it will never take priority over childcare. Just like I might find the AP to be a fabulous person but if she does a poor childcare job, I will still treat her like my own niece and stay in touch with her and invite her to visit, but she will not be my AP anymore. If it was a cultural exchange first, then an exchange student program or some other program may be more fitting for that family.

As parents, we don't get to spend much quality time with our kids especially if we have long hours and demanding jobs. We treasure alone time with our kids and that may mean vacation time is a sacred non-AP opportunity for parents to have quality time with the kids without the daily distractions of work.

The cultural exchange part is supposed to go both ways ...

Absolutely, it should go both ways. But there are priorities. Both sides need to be on the same page about priorities in order to be a good fit for each other.

Some AP don't want any interaction or cultural exchange with the HF and is out the door the second childcare is over. Some HF loves this type of AP while other HF would go into rematch over it because the AP doesn't like to hang around the house and participate in family stuff. As long as both parties are ranking their priorities in a compatible way, then the situation will work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: Vacations

Another poster here.
And I work.

I often don't take my AP on vacations, not because I can't financially, but because I don't want to.

I am divorced. My kids are older (9 and almost 12) and I STILL don't need her help on a vacation.

Since I don't need her, it would be would I want her to tag along.

Even with my rockstars or best APs...no.

It is our vacation. Not hers.

And this right here is what's wrong with the au pair program.

For so many American families, it is primarily child care, and only cultural exchange by "accident" because they're living in an American home.

Do the au pairs also expect it to be purely employment?

I am the PP you are quoting.

I have been in this program for over 6 yrs and in those 6 yrs, there have been plenty of times we include our au pairs. My example was just that...an example. There are weeks and vacations I choose to only have my immediate family, aka me and my two boys. I like my au pairs and I treat them as family,...but we both deserve a break to refresh and renew.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP- If you are still around, I think you should at least sign up with an agency like CC with a lot of APs, and send out a feeler to some of your favorites. If you are open to a Chinese AP that may be a really good route for you. The typical Chinese AP is someone who majored in English, wants to be a teacher and is looking for immersion into the country to become fluent. They don't have partying as major goal and are often very eager to please, very agreeable, and non confrontational (though not obviously a guarantee but there are articles out there about what motivates people from each country, and that type of situation may fit your family well). They often have less experience with driving- but since you have the financial means you can provide her with professional lessons if you need her up to speed, though it sounds like you may be able to do the driving and could even be a possibility for someone who does not drive (which there are a lot of non driving APs who would jump at this) and she may be very appreciative of the extra niceties you have to offer. Not all APs are here with the same goals. Even if you aren't interested in the Asian culture, you could at least put your family description and basic schedule plan up on a site and then reach out to a few from other locations that you find appealing. Unfortunately, just as many HFs will write off an AP who lists that she has a boyfriend, is from a certain country, or has only recently started driving, the APs may write you off as well. It is their loss- but in the end there are some that won't. There very well could be a very nice fit for you, and you might as well put out feelers and Skype with a few. I personally, as an AP, would love the financial security of a wealthy family and the possible trips, and added luxuries that it would offer. Also, maybe look at rematches where you can really have a thorough discussion with LCC about circumstances.... there are APs living in basically laundry rooms watching 5 kids for 55 hours a week who would find your situation a dream come true. It isn't always the APs fault and someone could be very appreciative that they don't have to move home. Also, you may be able to to meet the AP in person if they are already local and looking for rematch. People here often immediately act contrary for the drama. Don't let them turn you off to at least exploring the option of an AP.

[Anonymous]

PP-those are some pretty offensive stereotypes about "the asian culture". asia is a continent, not a country, and there is no one asian culture. to say that they won't be able to drive is also very small minded of you.
it's also bizarre that you are suggesting that an AP from an abusive situation could be an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the life of me I will never understand why an AP would even want to go on vacation with HF versus having a week(s) to travel with friends or have the house to themselves.

In reality they usually don't want to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP-those are some pretty offensive stereotypes about "the asian culture". asia is a continent, not a country, and there is no one asian culture. to say that they won't be able to drive is also very small minded of you.
it's also bizarre that you are suggesting that an AP from an abusive situation could be an option.

Not the PP, but she refrences China. If yiu know ANYTHING at all about thr AP program, you would be fully aware the only Asians the program pulls from is China and Thailand. And yes, there are many cultural stereotypes that are very real and being indirect and non confrontational are one of them. Basically the dead opposite of Brazil.

[Anonymous]

"Because a lot of HFs go to laces the au pair wouldn't plan to go or can't afford to go. To see more of the country. To have more experiences. To feel like part of a family while they're away from their own."



And I want the young adult who finds it much more fun and age appropriate to back pack it in these places with their FRIENDS!!! Some of my best memories are the trips I took with no money and good friends. I would rather be six 20 year olds crammed in a room than eating a $20 burger with kids and forty year olds!