SAHM with Au Pair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might try splitting the difference: MWF 6-12; TR12-8, plus 2 weekend evenings a month. It's a regular schedule that APs can plan around to socialize and
And take classes.
Really though, I'd look for a college student to help in the mornings, and a housekeeper for the afternoons. You want to free your hands to spend more time with your kids, and APs are limited to that. You can't ask them to cook dinner while you run under the sprinkler with the kids.

This.

If you genuinely want childcare help during those hours for the first year (the divide and conquer approach), then an au pair will work for you, though matching may be difficult. If you want this person to concentrate primarily on housekeeping so you can concentrate on the children, hire a housekeeper.

And it's not that hard to hire for this position. However, expect to pay at least $15/hr even for a college student, and closer to $20/hr for a grown-up. People on the nanny boards will tell you that housekeepers start at $25-$30/hr. That has not been my experience at all, if you are offering 25+ hours/wk. Housekeepers who have many clients, and only clean for them once a week or every two weeks have to charge more to equal the same income once they factor in travel time, self-employment taxes, and all of the administrative work they have to do. If you're hiring one person full time (or close to it) to do basically what you would do without her (not specialized cleaning or taking over the full running of your household), you can find someone for nanny rates.

[Anonymous]

OP here. As far as I understand it, there are two issues:

1. There is the opinion that I shouldn't hire an AP, I should get a housekeeper. I'm considering this.

2. This job is not appealing to an AP.

With regard to the second issue, I want to be clear (if I wasn't in my previous post) that I've modified my idea of what the job should be to make it more appealing - 20-25 hours weekly. Some of them would shift. I would not expect my au pair to be a housekeeper, I would expect her to be with children. Even today with just two kids I have a sitter here this afternoon to stay with my 1 year old so I can take my 4 year old to a suzuki music class (which requires parents to attend and learn too) - and I think with 3 kids (incl. one baby) there will just be more and more activities like that (i.e., I plan to be a lunch parent in my child's classroom next year, and I can't bring other children, etc). So while I will be in and out of the house and we will interact, she would be in charge of one or two kids on her own for discrete stretches of time.

Is that really so unappealing? I'm looking for honesty here, if it is I'm surprised, but I guess I will really have to reevaluate my opinion of au pairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As far as I understand it, there are two issues:

1. There is the opinion that I shouldn't hire an AP, I should get a housekeeper. I'm considering this.

2. This job is not appealing to an AP.

With regard to the second issue, I want to be clear (if I wasn't in my previous post) that I've modified my idea of what the job should be to make it more appealing - 20-25 hours weekly. Some of them would shift. I would not expect my au pair to be a housekeeper, I would expect her to be with children. Even today with just two kids I have a sitter here this afternoon to stay with my 1 year old so I can take my 4 year old to a suzuki music class (which requires parents to attend and learn too) - and I think with 3 kids (incl. one baby) there will just be more and more activities like that (i.e., I plan to be a lunch parent in my child's classroom next year, and I can't bring other children, etc). So while I will be in and out of the house and we will interact, she would be in charge of one or two kids on her own for discrete stretches of time.

Is that really so unappealing? I'm looking for honesty here, if it is I'm surprised, but I guess I will really have to reevaluate my opinion of au pairs.

As a former AuPair a few years ago, i would not have wanted to work for a SAHM. Mainly because is is just too much time together and it's impossible to get the kids into a routine. Plus moms cannot help but interfere. Closed AuPair facebooks are very active and for the most part, they know the deal.

Im sure someone will bite on your offer, but harmony probably won't happen.

[Anonymous]

Think about it as a WAHM.

Who do you think the kids would prefer? Run to when there's an issue? Go to to verify what the AP says? Often there is undermining going on.

When I WAHM remotely, or even try to help with the morning routine (I try to be helpful), it's WORSE than if I wasn't there. It questions her authority with the children, makes them act out more and just go worse overall.

Now imagine that happens EVERYDAY for the au pair.

How do you think she will be feeling?

For the music class and lunch helper times, get a sitter or even mothers helper to help you out. Get a housekeeper.

An ideal setup for an au pair is not a SAHM. It's a WOH-parents and school aged kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As far as I understand it, there are two issues:

1. There is the opinion that I shouldn't hire an AP, I should get a housekeeper. I'm considering this.

2. This job is not appealing to an AP.

With regard to the second issue, I want to be clear (if I wasn't in my previous post) that I've modified my idea of what the job should be to make it more appealing - 20-25 hours weekly. Some of them would shift. I would not expect my au pair to be a housekeeper, I would expect her to be with children. Even today with just two kids I have a sitter here this afternoon to stay with my 1 year old so I can take my 4 year old to a suzuki music class (which requires parents to attend and learn too) - and I think with 3 kids (incl. one baby) there will just be more and more activities like that (i.e., I plan to be a lunch parent in my child's classroom next year, and I can't bring other children, etc). So while I will be in and out of the house and we will interact, she would be in charge of one or two kids on her own for discrete stretches of time.

Is that really so unappealing? I'm looking for honesty here, if it is I'm surprised, but I guess I will really have to reevaluate my opinion of au pairs.

Be true to your family, and stick to what you know you need. You will likely get a youngish au pair, right out if high school who's never left home. She will need a lot of coaching, but probably lacks the authority to be a solo au pair, so will be content as a mother's helper. Many of us are not SAH parents, so find these types of au pairs to require too much energy at the end of a work day when we just want to see our kids. You may find someone who enjoys the ebb-and-flow. I was on maternity leave and gave the AP an extra morning off but otherwise kept her on the same schedule with the older 2, and it was fine -- but I planned errand for after school hours so I wasn't around during her work time as much. I also wouldn't advertise only 25 hours. 3 kids that age can easily require 10 hours of kid-related housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about it as a WAHM.

Who do you think the kids would prefer? Run to when there's an issue? Go to to verify what the AP says? Often there is undermining going on.

When I WAHM remotely, or even try to help with the morning routine (I try to be helpful), it's WORSE than if I wasn't there. It questions her authority with the children, makes them act out more and just go worse overall.

Now imagine that happens EVERYDAY for the au pair.

How do you think she will be feeling?

For the music class and lunch helper times, get a sitter or even mothers helper to help you out. Get a housekeeper.

An ideal setup for an au pair is not a SAHM. It's a WOH-parents and school aged kids.

I think most APs prefer parents that work out of the home in general. WOH parents limits their playdates at their home very often, and just to have HPs around too often in general is annoying.
Stay at home anything gets in the way of them being able to be independent, make other AP friends and having frequent playdates/park outings/etc. That is how most of our APs have made their friends, at group "meet at this park at this time" events; they cross agencies and cultures. Granted, we have a few thousand APs in DC/Arlington/Bethesda so not all areas may have the same options. Some of our childrens best friends are still other children they met through our APs. To this day, after 2 new APs they still see the children (and their new APs as well); it works out for everyone.

To the OP you may be able to find an AP but you have very high rematch odds, just be prepared to go through two or three APs in a year.

[Anonymous]

oops WOH = work out of house....my bad! I thought it said WAH. me no read to wel

[Anonymous]

OP here.

With the exception of the morning breakfast routine and dinner routine, which I understand other WOH parents I know have their APs work at least a little so they can get dressed / get food on the table, it was not my plan to just be around the house while the AP was working. In fact, my ideal would be that when the AP was not working, she would be out and about doing all sorts of fun things on her own. And when she was working, she could be with one or two kids doing her thing, and I would be with the other one or two doing my thing. I really understand why she has no authority or ability to establish her routine if I'm home. I respect that.

Look, I understand what everyone is saying, but I think that the blanket rule against working for SAHM that I am now slowly (from other sources) understanding APs have is totally misguided. I know several families with APs and moms who WOH and it is a true full-time job: the AP is (duh) tied to the kid nearly all day (I realize this is not true for school age kids, I'm more familiar with the under-5 set), can't go out while kid is napping, can't do anything during the day. This would be SO MUCH LESS than that.

Plus, it's my understanding that APs are frequently seeking things like families that will bring them with to travel to cool places, or sponsor them as students afterwards. Who do they think is more likely to do that? The WOH parents who are getting an AP because it's cheaper than a nanny? It's the SAHMs like me who don't think twice about paying for an AP who will also do those things. (And I'm not saying dual WOH parents can't technically be very high-income... but every very high-income family I know has either an at-home mom or a nanny. Occasionally both a nanny and an au pair. But rarely just an au pair. They don't work enough hours and are too much work themselves, and are too temporary.)

The only reason I started considering an AP was because we hired a neighbor's AP after my second child was born; their kids were gone for the summer and they didn't need her anymore. She was amazing. She did almost exactly what I've described, for 20 hours a week, though she didn't live with us. We didn't get into conflicts. I gave her space. Sometimes I was home (esp. when napping, since I'd just had a baby), sometimes I wasn't. I didn't expect her to be a maid. I don't think she did a single chore. And frankly, I loved her. After 2.5 months my husband and I seriously, seriously considered sponsoring her just because we liked her and knew she wanted to be a student, even though her family (who had her for 2 years) didn't (because they would never be able to have afforded it).

I believe what you all are saying, that I wouldn't get a good AP, but I think that the good APs would be making a mistake. They shouldn't all dismiss SAHMs. And sorry if I come across as offended, but honestly, I am a little offended that the the assumption is I'm living a fantasy / trying to make my future au pair be a maid / will inevitably interfere.

[Anonymous]

So go for it OP. You dont need our permission. Sounds like youve made up your mind anyway.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Ack. No, I don't need your permission. But clearly I've discovered that the culture is against me, and I don't want a crappy AP, nor do I want to be viewed as a crappy employer before anyone even meets me.

I'm trying to confirm if this really is true, because it seems so crazy to me that APs would reject an entire group of people, and especially (since I've basically suggested it in my last post) the wealthier SAHMs.

And if this is really how APs feel, I'll obviously look into nannies/housekeepers, but I liked the idea of the AP program (familial, bringing someone from another country, young women, etc) a lot, and I was hoping someone would defend it.

[Anonymous]

Ahhh another entitled SAHM. Will you use her to watch your kids whule you pop into the spa and play tennis with your other SAHM friends too?

We'll see you when you return crying rematch.

Im glad we wasted two pages of posts trying to convince you of what would be betrer for your situation...and you fighting the advice.

I would suggest to stop helping this poster. She doesnt want our help and only wants to flaunt her situation and wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

With the exception of the morning breakfast routine and dinner routine, which I understand other WOH parents I know have their APs work at least a little so they can get dressed / get food on the table, it was not my plan to just be around the house while the AP was working. In fact, my ideal would be that when the AP was not working, she would be out and about doing all sorts of fun things on her own. And when she was working, she could be with one or two kids doing her thing, and I would be with the other one or two doing my thing. I really understand why she has no authority or ability to establish her routine if I'm home. I respect that.

Look, I understand what everyone is saying, but I think that the blanket rule against working for SAHM that I am now slowly (from other sources) understanding APs have is totally misguided. I know several families with APs and moms who WOH and it is a true full-time job: the AP is (duh) tied to the kid nearly all day (I realize this is not true for school age kids, I'm more familiar with the under-5 set), can't go out while kid is napping, can't do anything during the day. This would be SO MUCH LESS than that.

Plus, it's my understanding that APs are frequently seeking things like families that will bring them with to travel to cool places, or sponsor them as students afterwards. Who do they think is more likely to do that? The WOH parents who are getting an AP because it's cheaper than a nanny? It's the SAHMs like me who don't think twice about paying for an AP who will also do those things. (And I'm not saying dual WOH parents can't technically be very high-income... but every very high-income family I know has either an at-home mom or a nanny. Occasionally both a nanny and an au pair. But rarely just an au pair. They don't work enough hours and are too much work themselves, and are too temporary.)

The only reason I started considering an AP was because we hired a neighbor's AP after my second child was born; their kids were gone for the summer and they didn't need her anymore. She was amazing. She did almost exactly what I've described, for 20 hours a week, though she didn't live with us. We didn't get into conflicts. I gave her space. Sometimes I was home (esp. when napping, since I'd just had a baby), sometimes I wasn't. I didn't expect her to be a maid. I don't think she did a single chore. And frankly, I loved her. After 2.5 months my husband and I seriously, seriously considered sponsoring her just because we liked her and knew she wanted to be a student, even though her family (who had her for 2 years) didn't (because they would never be able to have afforded it).

I believe what you all are saying, that I wouldn't get a good AP, but I think that the good APs would be making a mistake. They shouldn't all dismiss SAHMs. And sorry if I come across as offended, but honestly, I am a little offended that the the assumption is I'm living a fantasy / trying to make my future au pair be a maid / will inevitably interfere.

Uh, a lot of working families bring their AuPairs on vacation. We took our last one to Africa for 3.5 weeks to see the great migration in the Masi Mara, Amboseli, Ol Pajeta, and then a few days at the Indian Ocean.

Oh and BTW, an AuPair is a MUCH more expensive proposition since my kids are school aged. I could save a fortune on the dedicated AuPair car I supply, fees, and trips if i just did aftercare. Aftercare would cost about 75% less.

You have weird ideas about what is involved in hosting and what is ideal or desired. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Look, I sincerely apologize I came across as a douche bag, which I did. I own it.

Maybe it's silly and little of me, but I just don't like feeling rejected at face value, and I don't think APs should reject all SAHMs at face value.

I said in my first post I treasure my time with my kids at this age, and that's the sole reason I'm a SAHM right now. But I feel judged and dismissed enough as it is for being a SAHM, I didn't expect to be judged and dismissed by potential au pairs, too.

All I was trying to say is that SAHMs with au pairs might be able to offer cushy benefits. There might be something to balance out the fact that another person is around once in a while. There were some helpful people on this thread - and thank you to those people - but there were others who were acting like it would be crazy to want to work with my family, and I took offense at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahhh another entitled SAHM. Will you use her to watch your kids whule you pop into the spa and play tennis with your other SAHM friends too?

We'll see you when you return crying rematch.

Im glad we wasted two pages of posts trying to convince you of what would be betrer for your situation...and you fighting the advice.

I would suggest to stop helping this poster. She doesnt want our help and only wants to flaunt her situation and wealth.

I would like to add that this is just genuinely mean, and reminds me why I should never look at DCUM. I said before I simply want a freaking nap when I have a newborn (how many working parents keep their older children in daycare when that are on maternity leave?) and to have focused time with one child at music lessons or volunteer at the school.

[Anonymous]

If you're still here OP, please don't tell the avalanche of ridiculousness that came upon this thread determine any of your decisions. Clearly some of these posters are not affiliated with the program and some have outlier experiences ($35K to host?!)

I'm in year three of hosting and was the poster who suggest divide and conquer as a workable strategy to get around the two main issues that come up. Best of luck to you! Hop on over to Au Pair Mom for a less crazy perspective if you have more Qs.