SAHM with Au Pair

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM considering getting an au pair in the near future, and looking for others who have experience with this or thoughts on what this might look like.

We have 2 kids under 5 and hoping to have another on the way soon. DH works long hours and travels at least monthly. I actually don't want childcare during the main daytime hours because I really treasure that time with my kids (and am looking forward to that time when we have another baby) but am hoping for someone who will help the morning run more smoothly and stay with the baby while I take the oldest to school and the middle to preschool on preschool days (so maybe 6-9 am), then perhaps be around in the afternoons to stay with one or two kids or take one to swim, gymnastics, etc while I get more focused time with the others (3-5), and finally be around to help early evenings run more smoothly (5-8).

Any thoughts? I know people do this but I'm not sure what it would like, how the hours work, etc. It seems even more important that the au pair work well with our family since every day would be a different schedule (not necessarily her hours but what she would be doing).

[Anonymous]

I think an au pair is an excellent idea for a SAHM with multiple kids. That said, there are a few things you should know.

Many au pairs don't want to work with SAHMs. Not to say that you won't be able to find someone, but many candidates want to be independent in their work and don't want to be under the scrutiny of their host parents. You may want to steer towards younger candidates who are leaving their home for the first time. Just be prepared for some rejection.

Au pairs won't mind having different tasks to do each day. But they will mind a schedule with a lot of holes that does not allow for much social time. Personally I would not suggest giving more than one break during the day. You could do something like 6-9 and then 3-8 Monday to Friday (though some would have issues with that early of a start...). That could leave you a couple of extra hours every once in a while if you need a little more help. One way to sweeten the early mornings is to guarantee free weekends.

My experience has been that I think it's a great idea to schedule your au pair to work during dinner. It's great help whether with the kids or meal prep and it's a great way to spend more time learning to know one another over dinner. In your case, it's important to find someone who wants to be part of the family since you would be spending so much time together. Meals are a great way to develop that relationship.

[Anonymous]

You should both develop a weekly routine. It'll be good for the children, as well.

[Anonymous]

I personally felt that an an pair was more work than help as a SAHM with young kids. What I found very helpful was a housekeeper who came 20 hours a week and did all laundry, shopping, cleaning, and cooking. Taking younger kids to gymnastics didn't stress me out as much as an untidy home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally felt that an an pair was more work than help as a SAHM with young kids. What I found very helpful was a housekeeper who came 20 hours a week and did all laundry, shopping, cleaning, and cooking. Taking younger kids to gymnastics didn't stress me out as much as an untidy home.

OP here, can you tell me more about this?

It is a concern of mine that the au pair might end up playing with the kids while I cook / clean / do odds and ends around the house, and I'd be super jealous. We currently have someone come for around 10 hours a week to help out and sometimes I find she ends up doing something fun with my kids while I am doing something miserable. At times I'm bold enough to say, "hey let's trade, you do the dishes" but at other times it's just easier to keep doing what I'm doing.

On the other hand I think I truly might just need someone here mornings and evenings especially when DH is out of town if I don't want things to be a total disaster.

Anyway, was it hard to teach her to do things the way you want them done? What hours did she work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally felt that an an pair was more work than help as a SAHM with young kids. What I found very helpful was a housekeeper who came 20 hours a week and did all laundry, shopping, cleaning, and cooking. Taking younger kids to gymnastics didn't stress me out as much as an untidy home.

OP here, can you tell me more about this?

It is a concern of mine that the au pair might end up playing with the kids while I cook / clean / do odds and ends around the house, and I'd be super jealous. We currently have someone come for around 10 hours a week to help out and sometimes I find she ends up doing something fun with my kids while I am doing something miserable. At times I'm bold enough to say, "hey let's trade, you do the dishes" but at other times it's just easier to keep doing what I'm doing.

On the other hand I think I truly might just need someone here mornings and evenings especially when DH is out of town if I don't want things to be a total disaster.

Anyway, was it hard to teach her to do things the way you want them done? What hours did she work?

What you are describing is exactly what happened. She wasn't great about jumping in to help with kids when we were both there, and I wasn't great at directing her on how to do that, so I would schedule her to work while I was doing housework. So, I would be inside folding laundry watching her play soccer with my kids outside and feel jealous.
I can't remember my exact hours with her, but I remember there being some issues. She was also supposed to wake up early two days a week to help me, but sometimes she didn't wake up, and if I had things under control I would let her sleep, and if I didn't have things under control, the last thing I wanted to do was wake up a sleeping teenager (she was actually only three years younger than I am, but it felt like parenting a teenager). She also was supposed to work two Saturday evenings a month, but she never liked it. This resulted in a lot of sit down conversations, talking with our LCC, etc.

In the end, she was a nice enough girl, and it was a good experience, but it wasn't the right kind of help at that point in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally felt that an an pair was more work than help as a SAHM with young kids. What I found very helpful was a housekeeper who came 20 hours a week and did all laundry, shopping, cleaning, and cooking. Taking younger kids to gymnastics didn't stress me out as much as an untidy home.

OP here, can you tell me more about this?

It is a concern of mine that the au pair might end up playing with the kids while I cook / clean / do odds and ends around the house, and I'd be super jealous. We currently have someone come for around 10 hours a week to help out and sometimes I find she ends up doing something fun with my kids while I am doing something miserable. At times I'm bold enough to say, "hey let's trade, you do the dishes" but at other times it's just easier to keep doing what I'm doing.

On the other hand I think I truly might just need someone here mornings and evenings especially when DH is out of town if I don't want things to be a total disaster.

Anyway, was it hard to teach her to do things the way you want them done? What hours did she work?

What you are describing is exactly what happened. She wasn't great about jumping in to help with kids when we were both there, and I wasn't great at directing her on how to do that, so I would schedule her to work while I was doing housework. So, I would be inside folding laundry watching her play soccer with my kids outside and feel jealous.
I can't remember my exact hours with her, but I remember there being some issues. She was also supposed to wake up early two days a week to help me, but sometimes she didn't wake up, and if I had things under control I would let her sleep, and if I didn't have things under control, the last thing I wanted to do was wake up a sleeping teenager (she was actually only three years younger than I am, but it felt like parenting a teenager). She also was supposed to work two Saturday evenings a month, but she never liked it. This resulted in a lot of sit down conversations, talking with our LCC, etc.

In the end, she was a nice enough girl, and it was a good experience, but it wasn't the right kind of help at that point in my life.

Yikes. So how long did you have her? Did you try someone else first, or did you just abandon the idea?

I'm not sure what the rules are - how much house work can au pairs do? I assume related to the kids, right? We have weekly cleaners and I feel like most of the housework I do relates to the kids! So could she do most of those daily things?

[Anonymous]

A 6 am wake up time and an 8 pm end time (regardless of a break) would probably be a deal breaker for many. That really doesn't allow for any kind of social life during the week.

[Anonymous]

I could probably start at 7 am, if that would help.

What kind of end time would be more acceptable?

I would want to make it more appealing, and also to have hours leftover in case we needed her on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 6 am wake up time and an 8 pm end time (regardless of a break) would probably be a deal breaker for many. That really doesn't allow for any kind of social life during the week.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 6 am wake up time and an 8 pm end time (regardless of a break) would probably be a deal breaker for many. That really doesn't allow for any kind of social life during the week.

Agree with this.

Our APs work 6-7:30am and 3-8pm and that's actually considered a great schedule. Nearly all their friends work similar - though longer- hours. Some work til 9 (ours does 1 day a week). Our ap never works on weekends so she is happy with the schedule. Days off for outings, the gym, coffees, etc and nights off for DVD nights, parties, karaoke, pub nights, etc. Our APs have worked this schedule for years (granted, not with a sahm), and we have not had any issue with matching or with our APs not liking the schedule.

Also, Op, I am very clear in matching about our start time and ask clearly about whether a candidate has a hard time waking up early. If an ap overslept once, I'd have a talk about this and reset expectations. The second time would be a talk with the lcc. Perhaps this is the difference between an ap supporting a sahm who "can" do it herself, but I would never do what the PP said she did and let it slide if an ap didn't wake up to work as scheduled. I have an AP to make my life easier, not to make it more complicated, so I would not be up for having to wake somebody up in the mornings when I am rushing around trying to get myself ready for work and the kids ready for school.

[Anonymous]

Our APs work 6-7:30am and 3-8pm and that's actually considered a great schedule. Nearly all their friends work similar - though longer- hours.

And that is why it works for her/them.
My old cluster used to be mostly families with infants/toddlers and APs on a daily 7 am - 4/5 pm schedule. The two APs who were not (6-9 & 3-8) lived on opposite sides of the area/cluster. We were a small cluster (<10 APs) and that made it quite difficult for them to spend time with the other APs. They usually arrived late to activities and didn't have anyone to spend time with during the day (unless they enjoyed tagging along to kids activities with their friends, which they often did).

Our AP is now on a similar schedule during the school year (from September it will be 7am - 9am and 3pm to 7pm) but that schedule is what's most common where we are and she always has somebody to hang out with or go to classes with during the day. I don't think she'd be overly happy if that was not the case.

OP, any breaks you schedule should be long enough for her to actually do things (take classes, meet friends, go to the gym).
Your schedule would be mornings (6-9), afternoons (3-5) and evenings (5-8)? So basically one long break (9 am - 3 pm)? That sounds okay. A six hour break during the day should leave her with the possibility to take classes or go to the gym so that's definitely reasonable IF she has car access or public transportation where you are.

Anonymous wrote:It is a concern of mine that the au pair might end up playing with the kids while I cook / clean / do odds and ends around the house, and I'd be super jealous.

OP... that is what you are getting an AP for. To watch your children. An AP is not a housekeeper, she is a babysitter.
Of course she can help with child related chores (making their beds, doing their dishes, cleaning play area etc.) and you can expect her to do odds and ends as a "good roommate" (load the dishwasher, get the mail) but it's child care you are hiring, not a cleaner. You can ask her to pitch in and help prepare meals (as long as it's for the kids or she eats with you) but you cannot expect her to do chores while you sit and play with the kids. If that's what you are looking for, the AP program is not for you.

If you are already worried that you might get jealous if you AP does fun things with the kids... you might not be ready for the program though. That is something you should really consider. A HM that is upset if her AP does fun things with the kids while she does the boring mom stuff is not the best foundation for a successfull year. Think about getting a housekeeper for now or an AP (as an extra set of hands... or a high school / college student for afternoons as a mother's helper) and a cleaner. I don't know if the AP program is really what is best for your family from what your expectations seem to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could probably start at 7 am, if that would help.

What kind of end time would be more acceptable?

I would want to make it more appealing, and also to have hours leftover in case we needed her on the weekend.

Former Au Pair here- I worked from 7-9:30 helping with the morning routine and taking kids to school, then handled pickups and dinner prep from 2pm to 6pm. I loved that schedule. It gave me a huge chunk of time in the middle of the day to make plans, and plenty of time in the evening to go out to dinner, work out, etc. I feel 8pm is too late of an end time, as in the weekdays, no one wants to hang out that late, a lot of places are closed, and at the end of that long day, I'd probably just want to get in bed for the night.

[Anonymous]

Former AP. I agree that if you ask your AP to start at 7am, you can't make her work until 8pm, even if she has free time during the day.

She'll be resentful at some point because it's too late for her to get out with her friends and she will be tired if she does because she has to get up really early the next morning.

What could help is to have an early release every two days.
Let's say 6pm and the one after 8pm so she can help with baths and bedtime on these days. Kids being fine with a bath or shower every two days.
And make sure Fridays are off at 6pm ...

You also mentioned weekend hours, same thing here, you have to be careful that she has time to explore.

Again, I understand you need an AP to help you but you're a SAHM and most of the girls don't want that. You gotta make the job appealing to 1) find someone 2) Someone that'll stay and won't ask for a rematch.

Nice schedule and perks are your changes to keep the right girl.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

This is all very helpful, thank you.

I actually feel like I have the potential to make the job very appealing, because I don't really need a lot of hours, I just want the consistency. In fact, I would happily trade regular hours and have someone only work a "regular" 20 hours a week in exchange for someone who got to know my family well and could also be more likely to be available on the occasional weekend, weekday morning I have a doctors appointment, whatever. I'm really quite tired of the random revolving door of sitters and I think my family would really benefit from a closer relationship to a single individual. Does that make sense? Does that fit with what an au pair could be?

What if I had a regular 7:00 - 9:00 daily, and two days a week of 3:00 - 8:00, with an understanding that an additional 8-10 hours or so would be flexible, so some weeks we might arrange it on one weekday morning from 9:00 - 12:00 (and she might just have the baby) and one additional afternoon, and other weeks it might be on the weekend. But that we would agree to it a week or two in advance.

Is that appealing?

We'd definitely offer her own car of course and we have a good au pair suite in our house. We're not walking distance to the metro but only a little under 2 miles away, or a short bus ride to the metro, the bus stop is just a block away.