SAHM with Au Pair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the life of me I will never understand why an AP would even want to go on vacation with HF versus having a week(s) to travel with friends or have the house to themselves.

In reality they usually don't want to go.

This. I stopped taking my APs on vacation because we just both felt like we were doing the other one a favor. Even when my kids were little, and my AP was about my same age, she still was not a big help with the kids or someone I really considered a friend. And it usually almost doubled the cost of the trip to bring her. From her perspective, she was leaving all of her friends and things in order to be "on" 24/7 with us on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP-those are some pretty offensive stereotypes about "the asian culture". asia is a continent, not a country, and there is no one asian culture. to say that they won't be able to drive is also very small minded of you.
it's also bizarre that you are suggesting that an AP from an abusive situation could be an option.

Not the PP, but she refrences China. If yiu know ANYTHING at all about thr AP program, you would be fully aware the only Asians the program pulls from is China and Thailand. And yes, there are many cultural stereotypes that are very real and being indirect and non confrontational are one of them. Basically the dead opposite of Brazil.

It depends on the agency. I've seen AP candidates from Japan and South Korea too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the life of me I will never understand why an AP would even want to go on vacation with HF versus having a week(s) to travel with friends or have the house to themselves.

In reality they usually don't want to go.

This. I stopped taking my APs on vacation because we just both felt like we were doing the other one a favor. Even when my kids were little, and my AP was about my same age, she still was not a big help with the kids or someone I really considered a friend. And it usually almost doubled the cost of the trip to bring her. From her perspective, she was leaving all of her friends and things in order to be "on" 24/7 with us on vacation.

If I were an AP I think I would want to go on the vacation rather than just stay at the house. I have never been an AP, but I was an exchange student in the past, and I welcomed any opportunity the family I stayed with offered me to see more of the area. Many APs enjoy travel, and want to see as much of the country as possible, right? I don't think they are all here to party or find a local clique and then just hang out with them and then leave. If they go with the family on vacation, they see more of the country, they get to vacation somewhere new and they also get their own 2 weeks of vacation.

[Anonymous]

"If I were an AP I think I would want to go on the vacation rather than just stay at the house. I have never been an AP, but I was an exchange student in the past, and I welcomed any opportunity the family I stayed with offered me to see more of the area. Many APs enjoy travel, and want to see as much of the country as possible, right? I don't think they are all here to party or find a local clique and then just hang out with them and then leave. If they go with the family on vacation, they see more of the country, they get to vacation somewhere new and they also get their own 2 weeks of vacation."

Why not go somewhere with a friend(s) or by yourself and do what you want to do versus HF vacation that will revolve around kid related needs (naps, diaper changes, early bed times) and wants (kid friendly restaurants, kid shows, activities, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the life of me I will never understand why an AP would even want to go on vacation with HF versus having a week(s) to travel with friends or have the house to themselves.

In reality they usually don't want to go.

This. I stopped taking my APs on vacation because we just both felt like we were doing the other one a favor. Even when my kids were little, and my AP was about my same age, she still was not a big help with the kids or someone I really considered a friend. And it usually almost doubled the cost of the trip to bring her. From her perspective, she was leaving all of her friends and things in order to be "on" 24/7 with us on vacation.

If I were an AP I think I would want to go on the vacation rather than just stay at the house. I have never been an AP, but I was an exchange student in the past, and I welcomed any opportunity the family I stayed with offered me to see more of the area. Many APs enjoy travel, and want to see as much of the country as possible, right? I don't think they are all here to party or find a local clique and then just hang out with them and then leave. If they go with the family on vacation, they see more of the country, they get to vacation somewhere new and they also get their own 2 weeks of vacation.

That's why we would offer the option. However, if our AP comes, then they're kind of stuck doing what we're doing, which is completely uninteresting to them such as a local children's museum. AP would not have the option of our car (we'd be using it) or rental car (under 25). So, she would have to self-initiate by finding someplace she wanted to go--probably alone or meet someone sketchy from online--as well as figure out how to get there. Our "vacations" have been completely centered around what our young kids are able to do (under 5 years old). Most AP's idea of a vacation is NOT what our toddlers would enjoy.

[Anonymous]

We always give our au pairs the option of coming with us to our country house (we don't live in DC but NYC and have a ski place where we go most winter weekends and a handful of other weekends throughout the rest of the year). Usually they come about half the time, more if they like to ski (we get them a ski pass and rarely do they work but they are on our schedule up there and will help with things like loading the skis or helping kids get dressed. We also almost always invite them on vacation. We go twice a year to see family in California and they always jump at that opportunity, even though where the family is is a pretty quiet place. We do one family-only trip per year (usually a tropical vacation midwinter), and have taken our au pairs to Disney twice and will probably go again this winter. They all seem happy and excited to join us, but I'd also be fine if they didn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the life of me I will never understand why an AP would even want to go on vacation with HF versus having a week(s) to travel with friends or have the house to themselves.

In reality they usually don't want to go.

This. I stopped taking my APs on vacation because we just both felt like we were doing the other one a favor. Even when my kids were little, and my AP was about my same age, she still was not a big help with the kids or someone I really considered a friend. And it usually almost doubled the cost of the trip to bring her. From her perspective, she was leaving all of her friends and things in order to be "on" 24/7 with us on vacation.

If I were an AP I think I would want to go on the vacation rather than just stay at the house. I have never been an AP, but I was an exchange student in the past, and I welcomed any opportunity the family I stayed with offered me to see more of the area. Many APs enjoy travel, and want to see as much of the country as possible, right? I don't think they are all here to party or find a local clique and then just hang out with them and then leave. If they go with the family on vacation, they see more of the country, they get to vacation somewhere new and they also get their own 2 weeks of vacation.

Many of ours haven't, especially after taking the first and las vacation with us. They end up bored. Doing kids stuff, we do nothing that would appeal to a young 20 something. We went on vacatiin last week up to Maine, our AuPair and her American friends went to Ocean city. She said she had a great time and partied all week.

[Anonymous]

This.

"Many of ours haven't, especially after taking the first and las vacation with us. They end up bored. Doing kids stuff, we do nothing that would appeal to a young 20 something. We went on vacatiin last week up to Maine, our AuPair and her American friends went to Ocean city. She said she had a great time and partied all week."


Much better to be in a cheap hotel with friends your age than on a 5* vacation with kids and parents. Not sure why many APs don't get this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

With the exception of the morning breakfast routine and dinner routine, which I understand other WOH parents I know have their APs work at least a little so they can get dressed / get food on the table, it was not my plan to just be around the house while the AP was working. In fact, my ideal would be that when the AP was not working, she would be out and about doing all sorts of fun things on her own. And when she was working, she could be with one or two kids doing her thing, and I would be with the other one or two doing my thing. I really understand why she has no authority or ability to establish her routine if I'm home. I respect that.

Look, I understand what everyone is saying, but I think that the blanket rule against working for SAHM that I am now slowly (from other sources) understanding APs have is totally misguided. I know several families with APs and moms who WOH and it is a true full-time job: the AP is (duh) tied to the kid nearly all day (I realize this is not true for school age kids, I'm more familiar with the under-5 set), can't go out while kid is napping, can't do anything during the day. This would be SO MUCH LESS than that.

Plus, it's my understanding that APs are frequently seeking things like families that will bring them with to travel to cool places, or sponsor them as students afterwards. Who do they think is more likely to do that? The WOH parents who are getting an AP because it's cheaper than a nanny? It's the SAHMs like me who don't think twice about paying for an AP who will also do those things. (And I'm not saying dual WOH parents can't technically be very high-income... but every very high-income family I know has either an at-home mom or a nanny. Occasionally both a nanny and an au pair. But rarely just an au pair. They don't work enough hours and are too much work themselves, and are too temporary.)

The only reason I started considering an AP was because we hired a neighbor's AP after my second child was born; their kids were gone for the summer and they didn't need her anymore. She was amazing. She did almost exactly what I've described, for 20 hours a week, though she didn't live with us. We didn't get into conflicts. I gave her space. Sometimes I was home (esp. when napping, since I'd just had a baby), sometimes I wasn't. I didn't expect her to be a maid. I don't think she did a single chore. And frankly, I loved her. After 2.5 months my husband and I seriously, seriously considered sponsoring her just because we liked her and knew she wanted to be a student, even though her family (who had her for 2 years) didn't (because they would never be able to have afforded it).

I believe what you all are saying, that I wouldn't get a good AP, but I think that the good APs would be making a mistake. They shouldn't all dismiss SAHMs. And sorry if I come across as offended, but honestly, I am a little offended that the the assumption is I'm living a fantasy / trying to make my future au pair be a maid / will inevitably interfere.

But you can't tell an AP that they aren't allowed to be home and playing with the kids. And you've already said you might get jealous if that happens.

You can't sponsor an AP as a student later unless you understand that they will not be allowed to work. If the AP doesn't go home, you will be found out; if they go home and then come back on the student visa, but they work... there's a whole host of problems.

[Anonymous]

"In fact, my ideal would be that when the AP was not working, she would be out and about doing all sorts of fun things on her own."

This made me spit out my water! OP...Please read through this board! The harsh reality is that these APs are not out of your house...they are IN your house all the time...making food, watching TV, skyping, talking to you, asking a million questions, doing their laundry, etc. You need to ask yourself how you would feel in this scenario....

It's a Wednesday afternoon at 2pm and AP is "off" on Wednesday afternoons. You are home with a sick baby and other two kids running all over. AP is sitting on the couch watching a movie and eating the lunch she just prepared for herself while you are washing vomit off the floor while your baby is screaming and other two kids are fighting over a crayon. How will you be in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have the money to throw at this. Go through a professional agency and get the exact help that you want. The AP program has a million annoying rules that will drive you crazy. For example, even if 50 weeks out of the year, you only use 20 hours per week, the one weekend you need her to stay overnight with kids, she can't because it will exceed the 10 hour per day rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the life of me I will never understand why an AP would even want to go on vacation with HF versus having a week(s) to travel with friends or have the house to themselves.

In reality they usually don't want to go.

This. I stopped taking my APs on vacation because we just both felt like we were doing the other one a favor. Even when my kids were little, and my AP was about my same age, she still was not a big help with the kids or someone I really considered a friend. And it usually almost doubled the cost of the trip to bring her. From her perspective, she was leaving all of her friends and things in order to be "on" 24/7 with us on vacation.

If I were an AP I think I would want to go on the vacation rather than just stay at the house. I have never been an AP, but I was an exchange student in the past, and I welcomed any opportunity the family I stayed with offered me to see more of the area. Many APs enjoy travel, and want to see as much of the country as possible, right? I don't think they are all here to party or find a local clique and then just hang out with them and then leave. If they go with the family on vacation, they see more of the country, they get to vacation somewhere new and they also get their own 2 weeks of vacation.

Many of ours haven't, especially after taking the first and las vacation with us. They end up bored. Doing kids stuff, we do nothing that would appeal to a young 20 something. We went on vacatiin last week up to Maine, our AuPair and her American friends went to Ocean city. She said she had a great time and partied all week.

Maybe that is just a difference in vacation styles. When on vacation, I
Don't frequent children's museums and do more of the same old stuff from home... we do things I enjoy at 42 and my kids enjoy as well. We hike, we enjoy restaurants, we go to things like aquariums, escape rooms, beach , etc. we have no diapers or naps in my house any more so maybe it is a different experience. Our AP is not a partier- she likes to read, draw, run, workout, cook, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"In fact, my ideal would be that when the AP was not working, she would be out and about doing all sorts of fun things on her own."

This made me spit out my water! OP...Please read through this board! The harsh reality is that these APs are not out of your house...they are IN your house all the time...making food, watching TV, skyping, talking to you, asking a million questions, doing their laundry, etc. You need to ask yourself how you would feel in this scenario....

It's a Wednesday afternoon at 2pm and AP is "off" on Wednesday afternoons. You are home with a sick baby and other two kids running all over. AP is sitting on the couch watching a movie and eating the lunch she just prepared for herself while you are washing vomit off the floor while your baby is screaming and other two kids are fighting over a crayon. How will you be in this situation?

These au pairs exist! But you have to know what you are looking for! You can't be 'I want an au pair to be part of the family attend soccer games and birthday parties BUT always be out on weekends'. Also expect possible party girls. We did have one amazing girl who was not a party girl, great at joining us for family things when we asked her to, but otherwise would basically leave on Friday night and not come back until Sunday evening. Yes, she was a unicorn!

Otherwise, glad to report we did not really have any au pairs 'hanging out' in our home. They all took advantage of their weekends to do a lot of activities with friends. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, I think it's unusual to have an independent au pair waste her personal weekend time in your house.

[Anonymous]

AP, Please don't go anywhere on the weekend. Said no HF ever.

[Anonymous]

I think this OP is bored and thinks an AP will be a playmate/do all the shitty things she does not want to do and honored for the role since HF is rich. There is a family in area with 3 APs (one for each child) and loaded. APs last about 2 months on average in that family. Nice set up, APs have 2 cars to share between the 3 of them; own rooms in a guest house....still do not last. The perks are not everything.