SAHM with Au Pair

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm one of the posters who said I use the hours you proposed at first and don't have a hard time attracting good APs. I also WAH 2 days/week 30 weeks of the year and full time in summers. What you proposed at first is totally fine if your ap is part of a big cluster where other APs are also working split shifts. We live in a suburb of Boston, and there are tons of sahms who have APs here. Their houses are huge, the APs have wings to themselves, everyone drives fancy cars, and the APs work 45 or even 50 hours, including nearly every weekend. This is the norm around here. We are rare for using the few hours we use and for me actually working.

All this said, hosting is very hard and very much a learning curve. I've been doing it 10 years because I desperately need it. We do not have family nearby, and I travel for work 3 days/week so definitely need live in care. If I didn't absolutely need the help, we would be long gone from the program, as much as we like it. I literally can't imagine having the money to afford a housekeeper and opting for an ap instead, but as I said, lots of people in my town do it.

You don't need permission here from people to host if you want to. Just be very honest in matching what you're looking for and don't try to sell your family or your gig as easy. Take your time and find the right fit for you. Who cares if 50 people reject you if the 51st is a great fit? We get rejected all the time for having 3 animals and living in a cold weather area. Who cares? Someone good always comes along and wants us.

[Anonymous]

Thank you thank you to the two nice PPs. My skin is not thick enough for DCUM.

Thanks again for the helpful suggestions.

[Anonymous]

So we do this sort of (I work 20 hours per week) and it works if you get a good au pair. We had 2 - 1 independent type and 1 mother's helper type and it did NOT work with the mother's helper type. You need someone independent who can take initiative - but you also need to give them the freedom to do that. #3 is coming soon and I'm hoping I made the right choice.

[Anonymous]

Im a PP from page 2 with a 35hr a week housekeeper. For the life of me, i cannot understand why you would want the drama and hassle of an AuPair. Get a housekeeper and a part time nanny/babysitter. The ONLY reason we ever had an AuPair (after aging out of our lovely nanny) was for early mornings with unpredictable travel and we needed a driver to drive our kids to and from their private school in DC (we live in MD).

If you are already not going to get the pick of the litter due to you being a SAHM, its not good. The unpublished rematch rate accross the entire program is 40%. Just do more teading on the realities of hosting. Many of us count the days down until the program is over.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the meanest threads I have seen on the au pair discussion page. Honestly -- moms, chill out. She asked a question and a fair one. Answer without snark.

If the OP is still there -- I think it is possible, but be realistic with yourself on what you may get. They don't do your laundry and clean your bathroom. This is light housekeeping, but with 3 kids... someone doing the kids' laundry alone can be a huge help. Or letting you take a nap with the baby while the older two are entertained.

The divide an conquer approach may be helpful and give you a chance to have some solo time with each kid. I had 3 kids in 4 years and 1/2 years and worked full time. Not easy.

The best approach is to maybe do the schedule in two blocks (i.e. 8-10 and 2 to 8 type thing). If the schedule is substantially similar most of the time with added time for a date night or when your husband is out of town, that's doable. Just be clear in your profile and don't over-sell. Like all of us, the au pairs like some level of consistency so they can plan.

My other advice would be to remember this works best when you invite the person into your family. Are you ready for another person at the dinner table, family outings, holidays, etc. We are clear that we want to be part of our children's life, but we need help and need someone part of the team. It sometimes has wobbles, but for the most part has been hugely helpful for our family.

And don't worry about taking someone on a 3 week vacation to Africa. Absurd and totally rare. We do a lot with our au pairs and really try to show them our area, but... I don't feel guilt about not taking them around the world.

And it could be hard to find a housekeeper for less than half time who is here legally and not living in your home for $30g.

The last post is right about the rematch rate, but I think that is often because both sides have unrealistic expectations and don't understand the program (this is not just an employee -- it is meant to be a cultural exchange). The last post also highlights some of the benefits while complaining about the program (split schedules are possible, change of schedules due to busy work schedules, etc -- things housekeepers don't want).

Be very clear up front what the job would be like and welcoming. Talk to families you know about how they handle it. Check out aupairmom.com for some more guidance. And be willing to put in some time for searching, nurturing and training.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the meanest threads I have seen on the au pair discussion page. Honestly -- moms, chill out. She asked a question and a fair one. Answer without snark.

If the OP is still there -- I think it is possible, but be realistic with yourself on what you may get. They don't do your laundry and clean your bathroom. This is light housekeeping, but with 3 kids... someone doing the kids' laundry alone can be a huge help. Or letting you take a nap with the baby while the older two are entertained.

The divide an conquer approach may be helpful and give you a chance to have some solo time with each kid. I had 3 kids in 4 years and 1/2 years and worked full time. Not easy.

The best approach is to maybe do the schedule in two blocks (i.e. 8-10 and 2 to 8 type thing). If the schedule is substantially similar most of the time with added time for a date night or when your husband is out of town, that's doable. Just be clear in your profile and don't over-sell. Like all of us, the au pairs like some level of consistency so they can plan.

My other advice would be to remember this works best when you invite the person into your family. Are you ready for another person at the dinner table, family outings, holidays, etc. We are clear that we want to be part of our children's life, but we need help and need someone part of the team. It sometimes has wobbles, but for the most part has been hugely helpful for our family.

And don't worry about taking someone on a 3 week vacation to Africa. Absurd and totally rare. We do a lot with our au pairs and really try to show them our area, but... I don't feel guilt about not taking them around the world.

And it could be hard to find a housekeeper for less than half time who is here legally and not living in your home for $30g.

The last post is right about the rematch rate, but I think that is often because both sides have unrealistic expectations and don't understand the program (this is not just an employee -- it is meant to be a cultural exchange). The last post also highlights some of the benefits while complaining about the program (split schedules are possible, change of schedules due to busy work schedules, etc -- things housekeepers don't want).

Be very clear up front what the job would be like and welcoming. Talk to families you know about how they handle it. Check out aupairmom.com for some more guidance. And be willing to put in some time for searching, nurturing and training.

Good luck.

The Africa comment I made was in response to this absurd cimment thr OP made:

Plus, it's my understanding that APs are frequently seeking things like families that will bring them with to travel to cool places, or sponsor them as students afterwards. Who do they think is more likely to do that? The WOH parents who are getting an AP because it's cheaper than a nanny? It's the SAHMs like me who don't think twice

The OP doesn't have any clue about what demographic takes their AP where. My decision to take an AP on vacation is if we as a family enjoy their company or if they will be a drag. Thr reason why some families of all demographics might not bring their AuPair along is because often they really just need a break from each other.

I'm once again taking our current AP on travel this summer and my primary reason is because DH will be joining us separate (work obligations) and, frankly, i want the company and flexibility to head out on my own a bit without leaving my (older children) alone in a strange city.

[Anonymous]

RE: Vacations

Another poster here.
And I work.

I often don't take my AP on vacations, not because I can't financially, but because I don't want to.

I am divorced. My kids are older (9 and almost 12) and I STILL don't need her help on a vacation.

Since I don't need her, it would be would I want her to tag along.

Even with my rockstars or best APs...no.

It is our vacation. Not hers.

[Anonymous]

Prior poster as well that recommended a housekeeper early in the discussion. My au pair does not clean because she's doing childcare during her assigned hours. "Light" childcare like picking up toys and putting away the kids' dishes after lunch, yes. But not keeping their room neat/vacuumed/bunk bed sheets changed like I hoped. That's mostly because she's playing with the kids 40-45 hours during the summer, so I let it go. However, I fully expect to have a discussion in September when the kids go back to school that she has time to do these kid-related chores then. Also, adding another person to the household = significantly more cleaning. Yes, this is self imposed because we used to leave dishes out from dinner until the next morning sometimes and now I feel like it looks terrible to do this as well as setting a bad example for the au pair that it's ok to leave messes. However, it's a significant pressure to continually clean up messes and vacuum the living room all the time than living like a slob because you'd rather leave the giant pile of clutter to play another hour with the kids.

Best case: you can afford a housekeeper AND an au pair... but at that point why not keep things simple and hire 1 person who can do both?

Also, you may be able to afford bringing your au pair to Disney World, all expenses paid. However, you may learn that you don't want to because you would rather have family-only time with the kids, not also have to manage a 20-something person who will want to ride the roller coasters that your kids aren't big enough for, then pout about not getting the full experience.

And sure, you might get the grateful person who actually doesn't whine about the above scenario and everything is great. But what most of us are telling you is that 1) it's really hard to match with a good au pair to begin with and 2) it can be really hard to manage the au pair when they arrive/they might not actually be that great/other issues etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am largely a SAHM (I work a part-time flexible schedule about 15 hours a week). We have had a good experience with the AP program so far. Our first AP is nearing the end of her second year with us. When my youngest was 5-12 months, she often worked a split schedule like you describe because I needed help in the morning and with bedtime (my DH works long hours and travels). Now she tends to work more full days and does tons of play dates with other families. She also usually works one day of the weekend and has two half days during the week. We never go on vacation except to visit family and we just give her the week off. We are in the match process right now and don't expect to have trouble finding someone interested. I have found that this board is way more negative than the actual experience. I would take everything on here with a huge grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what the big deal is here. The majority of APs are only qualified enough to be a mother's helper anyway. And most people prefer to AP program because of the split shift benefits.

[Anonymous]

Get a housekeeper who likes babies!

[Anonymous]

This.



Anonymous wrote:
I actually feel like I have the potential to make the job very appealing, because I don't really need a lot of hours, I just want the consistency. In fact, I would happily trade regular hours and have someone only work a "regular" 20 hours a week in exchange for someone who got to know my family well and could also be more likely to be available on the occasional weekend, weekday morning I have a doctors appointment, whatever. I'm really quite tired of the random revolving door of sitters and I think my family would really benefit from a closer relationship to a single individual. Does that make sense? Does that fit with what an au pair could be?

What if I had a regular 7:00 - 9:00 daily, and two days a week of 3:00 - 8:00, with an understanding that an additional 8-10 hours or so would be flexible, so some weeks we might arrange it on one weekday morning from 9:00 - 12:00 (and she might just have the baby) and one additional afternoon, and other weeks it might be on the weekend. But that we would agree to it a week or two in advance.

Is that appealing?


I'd think that is even less appealing.
At least with a fixed morning/afternoon/evening schedule she could plan her time accordingly - make plans to meet friends, go to college, take a class at the gym, join a choir or a book club or whatever, make arrangements to travel on weekends etc. Everchanging schedules are a. pain. You constantly need to keep track of hours (from both sides), you never know when you are working or not and constantly need to check your schedule, the risk of forgetting that you are supposed to be "on" at a certain time gets higher (if you work 3 pm - 8 pm every day you are much less likely to forget to show up).

And you actually DO want a lot of hours.
6 am - 9 am: 3 hrs per day, 5 days per week = 15 hrs.
3 pm - 8 pm: 5 hrs per day, 5 days per week = 25 hrs.
Even if you cut the mornings down to 2 hrs you are still looking at at least 35 to 40 hrs per week... and seeing you have just mentioned "the occasional weekend, weekday morning I have a doctors appointment, whatever" you will be looking at a full work load. With a SAHM. Two children under 5 and an infant.

Spilt schedules are appealing if you have school-aged children who need help in the mornings (being reminded to brush their teeth rather than having their teeth brushed) and supervision in the afternoons (help doing their homework, making sure they don't kill each other when nobody is looking, a taxi driver to take them to practice), where a regular work week is maybe 25 hrs (6 am - 9 am & 4 pm - 6/7 pm), there are no diapers to change, no bottoms to wipe, no HM to breathe down your neck all day, no nighttime crying, no banging a ball at your bedroom door on Sunday morning.

Realistically, three young children (including an infant) and a SAHM are already not very appealing. Yes, there are APs who will match with you. And I have actually met one (yes, only 1) AP who was extremely happy with having a SAHM but I know at least a dozen, probably more, who were unhappy, felt watched, judged and abused (ie. working 50 hr weeks so HM could go shopping or to the gym, being called in on short notice because HM went out for lunch with a friend etc.). I have met HM who were so jeallous to see that their kids loved their AP and that their AP did fun things with their kids that they sent the AP into rematch for the craziest reasons. If you add "split schedule" you are making it less appealing. If you then add "flexible" - if I was your candidate? I would run.

"Oh, it's a really easy job. Just a few hours in the mornings. Just to help me. Then you'd be off (and please get out of the house, they are my kids, I want to play with them, I will be jealous if you have fun around me). Then in the afternoon you'd clean the kids' rooms while I play with the children. You may have one or two if I do something else with the third. And after you have prepared dinner, we will eat together and you can help get the kids ready for bed. Then you are off (of course it's now to late to go to the movies or have coffee with friends and you will of course already have eaten dinner, sometimes the kids won't be in bed by 8 pm and you might still be reading bed time stories oups and somebody still needs to load the dishwasher...). On some (non-disclosed number of) days you will be working mornings. Oh and we might require some weekends. We will try to give a week notice though, maybe two (so you can never really plan anything without asking and who knows if I might change my mind). We want consistency (for us) but flexibility (from you)"

What you are offering is not a "sweet gig." You might think so but to most APs it's not. From my experience, most rock star APs are outgoing, energetic, independent and can, well, rock it. They are mostly not very eager to have a parent home all day. You will find somebody, for sure. But what you are offering is not a rock star material job. You are attracting the "mothers help" types and that either means those who aren't confident enough to say no (those will do your cooking and cleaning while you play with the kids, they will heavily complain about being used and abused behind your back though) or those who need loads of hand holding with little own initiative (which means you will be micromanaging every detail from what the oldest has for breakfast to when which book is picked up and put where). Yes, you can find a rock star for the job, one who knows how much work three children under 5 and working with a SAHM is. But those are few and far between.

You do not want to sell the job as "easy and fun."
A) it's not. Come on. Three young children under the age of 5? If it was fun and easy you wouldn't even be thinking about getting an AP.
B) you are misrepresenting what you are looking for. You are not really looking for an AP. You are looking for a housekeeper who helps with the kids (so basically you are looking for a nanny type person but know a split schedule won't be attractive to them and they'll be much, much more expensive, they also might not want to work until 8 pm because they have their own families to care for).
C) I am still not sure that outside child care is what suits you best ("I actually don't want childcare during the main daytime hours because I really treasure that time with my kids" / "the au pair might end up playing with the kids while I cook / clean / do odds and ends around the house, and I'd be super jealous"), you want to care for your kids, you are really looking for somebody to make it easier for you to do just that, that is not what the program is for. That's what a cleaner/cook/partner does, not an AP. You cannot hire from a "childcare" program and then expect the AP not to do childcare.
D) you do not want to make the job (look) appealing. You want to advertise what you are offering. Not what you could offer. Or what you wish you would be offering.
E) even if it was an easy gig, you don't want the applicants to know. You want somebody who comes to do a job, you want them to work. You don't want them to expect fun and easy and being catered to every step of the way.

What you don't seem to understand is that what you are offering will not be appealing to probably 90% (or more) of the AP population. And out of the other 10% most likely 90% are not appealing to you.
You need an AP that is infant qualified. That already restricts your pool.
You need an AP that is willing to match with a family that has three children under the age of 5. Yes, that does limit your choices again.
You need an AP that is willing to match with a SAHM. And down go your numbers.
You need an AP that is willing to live where you are. If that's DC? Well, better than Cottonwook, South Dakota. But still, not NYC, not CA, not FL? Another hand full of those who haven't said no already have just done just that.

Then, and only then, come the job.
You need an AP that is willing to work a split schedule. Okay, you have lost a few but not as many as in steps 1-3.
You need an AP that is willing to work 40 hr weeks on a split schedule, so start early and end late. Some just jumped ship.
You need an AP that is willing to work a split schedule that is flexible (a weekend here and there, a morning because of this or that). Well, yeah, a few have just walked.
You need an AP that is willing to cook and clean and do odds and ends while you read a book with the kids or play or go for a walk or do a project with the kids? Quite a few have just said no to you.

[Anonymous]

I am essentially a sahm with 3 kids under 7 (they were 1, 3 and 5 when we started the au Pair program). We've had 2 successful and happy au pairs and have a constantly changing schedule and Typically use all 45 hours including weekend work 2/3 weeks per month. That said, I also have a housekeeper who comes weekly and twice every other week plus 2-3 additional babysitters I call in to help on occasion (usually one or two mornings or evenings per week). My job requires a lot of evenings out and we are VERY upfront with our au pairs that they will need to work a flexible schedule that changes weekly, and be ok working evenings. It hasn't ever been a problem because we are open and honest about it, and we treat our au pairs very well. So yes, I think it is possible and can be a great solution for a sahm who needs a mother's helper type of person on a regular (or even fluid) schedule.

[Anonymous]

I am essentially a sahm with 3 kids under 7 (they were 1, 3 and 5 when we started the au Pair program). We've had 2 successful and happy au pairs and have a constantly changing schedule and Typically use all 45 hours including weekend work 2/3 weeks per month. That said, I also have a housekeeper who comes weekly and twice every other week plus 2-3 additional babysitters I call in to help on occasion (usually one or two mornings or evenings per week). My job requires a lot of evenings out and we are VERY upfront with our au pairs that they will need to work a flexible schedule that changes weekly, and be ok working evenings. It hasn't ever been a problem because we are open and honest about it, and we treat our au pairs very well. So yes, I think it is possible and can be a great solution for a sahm who needs a mother's helper type of person on a regular (or even fluid) schedule.

[Anonymous]

A lot can change in a year. A HM could easily go from working full time to SAHM or vice versus or anything in between. An AP is always going to be disappointed if she doesn't have a flexible personality.