SAHM with Au Pair
![[Post New]](/nanny-forum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Honestly, I'd second? third? the rec to get a housekeeper than an au pair.
It's a LOT of work to have an extra person live in your house and maybe other people have lucked out with the cleaning chores thing. However, in my experience, the au pair is great for playing with the kids and maybe a little picking up, but not really for chores (kid-related, of course). It's in our manual to do things like clean the bathroom if our son pees all over the seat or vacuum the kids' room, etc. Somehow the most she does is picking up after them and there's been no bathroom cleaning/vacuuming yet. She sits around playing on her phone or reading a book during the kids' naptime, which I can understand the need for a break especially with longer summer hours (no school). So, no, this isn't really an issue for us. But I think it might be one for you since YOU want to be the one playing with the kids, not vacuuming their room while the au pair gets them out of the house. You will also have to select carefully to avoid too independent/dominant au pairs who will plan activities on their own, such as a water park playdate, while you're wondering how you didn't get "invited" because it's the au pair's hours with the kids versus a too dependent/passive au pair who will be like a third indecisive teenage kid asking permission to take the kids outside. |
Anonymous
| I'm essentially a sahm (I work very flexible to hours) and have 3 kids under 8. We got our first ap right after #3 turned one. I usually only have our au pairs work in the afternoon and evening and maybe 1 morning/week because my husband is usually around to help in the mornings. Our ap does 1-8 or so most days and maybe 2 later nights per week when we have plans. Our current ap is a night owl so she appreciates the later start time but she doesn't complain and goes to bed earlier when I need her early. We have a housekeeper who comes for one and a half days each week to do the deep cleaning and laundry although ap and I do the kids laundry. |
Anonymous
|
SAHM here. I would get a housekeeper who will also babysit sometimes. I thought about the au pair route, but then you have another person to take care of, and if you decide to take your kids on an outing one day, she either comes with you or gets time off. She's not going to spend the time making your life easier (running errands, doing laundry, maybe organizing a closet ...).
Anyway, the split schedule is hard to hire for, and despite people saying no one wants to work 7-8 with a long break in the middle, that's precisely why many people with school-aged children decide to get an au pair. But since what you really want is a housekeeper/babysitter or even a mother's helper for part of the day, you could hire two different people to do that. |
Anonymous
|
Meh.
I was a SAHM for 5 years with a husband who was unsupportive. I managed a household and two kids under 5 with no issue. A mothers helper or a housekeeper sounds like all you need. No au pair is going to want to have such a schedule and be at your "beck and call" like you want...even with a week's notice. I have hosted for 6 years and rematched before. A common reason for rematch on the AP side is a SAHM. If you do go this route be sure to LAY IT ALL ON THE TABLE...and don't cush up the job. |
Anonymous
|
Maybe one out 10 candidates would even consider a SAHM family. Maybe if you had very clearly defined schedule you could find an AP; but you will be getting ones that are not top tier or really desperate for any family. We have had 5 APs and are the "crash pad" for may of their friends due to our location and set up. At least once a year we host APs in rematch after they leave their family for one reason or another and LCC or AP prefers to stay with us until they find new family. The rest of the year we hear all the stories. Never heard any Happy SAHM situations, and the AP who was staying with us up until this weekend left her work from mother due to too many conflicts and lack of independence. She had great set, car, walk to bars and still rematches for more traditional set up.
Long odds for this program to work out for you. |
Anonymous
|
If the AP's duties involve a divide & conquer approach - she watches one kid while you do something else with the others or visa versa - then it might work. The challenge that comes up in the rematch cases with a SAHM is (1) the AP can't establish herself as an authority figure and build her own rapport when mom is just feet away, and (2) the constant scrutiny of being under the mom's watch.
Have you ever tried having a date night with your husband upstairs while a babysitter is with the kids downstairs? It's kind of like that. We're not saying it could never work, we're just saying it's difficult for predictable reasons. |
Anonymous
THis. I'm a 2 income home and a former HM and still read these AuPair boards for amusement (sorry-LOL!). We have a housekeeper 35 hours a week. Things DH and I do not do: laundry, grocery shopping, Costco Runs, Dry cleaning, washing floors, vacuuming, dusting, clean bathrooms...the list goes on and on. Additionally, i post my weekly meal plan and hte housekeeper does much of the prep each afternoon (wash vegetables, chop, make sure meat is defrosted, peel, dice....ect). I come home, assemble dinner and relax all evening and weekend with the kids. I have lots of time for exercise, reading, time to nurture my marriage, and my kids. |
Anonymous
Wow - there isn't a lot I envy nor many people I am jealous of, but someone who has 35 hours a week of housekeeping and time to read AND nurture her marriage? Kudos to you. I'm definitely jealous 
|
Anonymous
|
OP here. Okay, this is all REALLY helpful. I'm definitely interested in considering a housekeeper instead.
But I guess one thing that brings me back to the au pair is this: might an au pair still be better for just that first year when I have my third? And then maybe really set up a divide and conquer approach, as someone suggested, so that I get more alone time with my newborn, time to sleep when needed, etc? Or another question: why does it seem impossible to find someone who will do the job I'm interested in without getting an au pair? Let's say I want 20-25 hours a week as described, which seems compatible with a student's schedule, and I'm willing to pay 25K a year (or 30K if they're not living with us?) - isn't that pretty good? You'd think that there would be SOMEONE nice and young and energetic who would be interested in this sort of work. Someone legal, that is. Maybe I should just up my game and try REALLY hard to find someone local who will do that part-time nanny/light housekeeping? |
Anonymous
|
An AuPair is a ton of work. I think you are having a fantasy. You can get a nanny/light housekeeper for $20/hr in the further suburbs, $25/hr inner suburbs/city.
Whenever you are throeing in HK duties it's much more. However you womt gwt the split schedule you want, but make no mistake an AuPair is a ton of work. |
Anonymous
Sorry, I just want to make sure I understand you right, you're saying having an au pair is a ton of work? Why exactly is it a ton of work to have an au pair? |
Anonymous
You are way off. Who do you know in any urban area can live off 25 or 30k a year? When you are looking at a split schedule they have no other income options. An AP with a car and travel for vacations is about 30-35k a year. Sorry for the reality check; but you are delusional; no student's schedule will match your exact requirements; and if they do it will be for three or four months then on to the next option. |
Anonymous
I'd think that is even less appealing. At least with a fixed morning/afternoon/evening schedule she could plan her time accordingly - make plans to meet friends, go to college, take a class at the gym, join a choir or a book club or whatever, make arrangements to travel on weekends etc. Everchanging schedules are a. pain. You constantly need to keep track of hours (from both sides), you never know when you are working or not and constantly need to check your schedule, the risk of forgetting that you are supposed to be "on" at a certain time gets higher (if you work 3 pm - 8 pm every day you are much less likely to forget to show up). And you actually DO want a lot of hours. 6 am - 9 am: 3 hrs per day, 5 days per week = 15 hrs. 3 pm - 8 pm: 5 hrs per day, 5 days per week = 25 hrs. Even if you cut the mornings down to 2 hrs you are still looking at at least 35 to 40 hrs per week... and seeing you have just mentioned "the occasional weekend, weekday morning I have a doctors appointment, whatever" you will be looking at a full work load. With a SAHM. Two children under 5 and an infant. Spilt schedules are appealing if you have school-aged children who need help in the mornings (being reminded to brush their teeth rather than having their teeth brushed) and supervision in the afternoons (help doing their homework, making sure they don't kill each other when nobody is looking, a taxi driver to take them to practice), where a regular work week is maybe 25 hrs (6 am - 9 am & 4 pm - 6/7 pm), there are no diapers to change, no bottoms to wipe, no HM to breathe down your neck all day, no nighttime crying, no banging a ball at your bedroom door on Sunday morning. Realistically, three young children (including an infant) and a SAHM are already not very appealing. Yes, there are APs who will match with you. And I have actually met one (yes, only 1) AP who was extremely happy with having a SAHM but I know at least a dozen, probably more, who were unhappy, felt watched, judged and abused (ie. working 50 hr weeks so HM could go shopping or to the gym, being called in on short notice because HM went out for lunch with a friend etc.). I have met HM who were so jeallous to see that their kids loved their AP and that their AP did fun things with their kids that they sent the AP into rematch for the craziest reasons. If you add "split schedule" you are making it less appealing. If you then add "flexible" - if I was your candidate? I would run. "Oh, it's a really easy job. Just a few hours in the mornings. Just to help me. Then you'd be off (and please get out of the house, they are my kids, I want to play with them, I will be jealous if you have fun around me). Then in the afternoon you'd clean the kids' rooms while I play with the children. You may have one or two if I do something else with the third. And after you have prepared dinner, we will eat together and you can help get the kids ready for bed. Then you are off (of course it's now to late to go to the movies or have coffee with friends and you will of course already have eaten dinner, sometimes the kids won't be in bed by 8 pm and you might still be reading bed time stories oups and somebody still needs to load the dishwasher...). On some (non-disclosed number of) days you will be working mornings. Oh and we might require some weekends. We will try to give a week notice though, maybe two (so you can never really plan anything without asking and who knows if I might change my mind). We want consistency (for us) but flexibility (from you)" What you are offering is not a "sweet gig." You might think so but to most APs it's not. From my experience, most rock star APs are outgoing, energetic, independent and can, well, rock it. They are mostly not very eager to have a parent home all day. You will find somebody, for sure. But what you are offering is not a rock star material job. You are attracting the "mothers help" types and that either means those who aren't confident enough to say no (those will do your cooking and cleaning while you play with the kids, they will heavily complain about being used and abused behind your back though) or those who need loads of hand holding with little own initiative (which means you will be micromanaging every detail from what the oldest has for breakfast to when which book is picked up and put where). Yes, you can find a rock star for the job, one who knows how much work three children under 5 and working with a SAHM is. But those are few and far between. You do not want to sell the job as "easy and fun." A) it's not. Come on. Three young children under the age of 5? If it was fun and easy you wouldn't even be thinking about getting an AP. B) you are misrepresenting what you are looking for. You are not really looking for an AP. You are looking for a housekeeper who helps with the kids (so basically you are looking for a nanny type person but know a split schedule won't be attractive to them and they'll be much, much more expensive, they also might not want to work until 8 pm because they have their own families to care for). C) I am still not sure that outside child care is what suits you best ("I actually don't want childcare during the main daytime hours because I really treasure that time with my kids" / "the au pair might end up playing with the kids while I cook / clean / do odds and ends around the house, and I'd be super jealous"), you want to care for your kids, you are really looking for somebody to make it easier for you to do just that, that is not what the program is for. That's what a cleaner/cook/partner does, not an AP. You cannot hire from a "childcare" program and then expect the AP not to do childcare. D) you do not want to make the job (look) appealing. You want to advertise what you are offering. Not what you could offer. Or what you wish you would be offering. E) even if it was an easy gig, you don't want the applicants to know. You want somebody who comes to do a job, you want them to work. You don't want them to expect fun and easy and being catered to every step of the way. What you don't seem to understand is that what you are offering will not be appealing to probably 90% (or more) of the AP population. And out of the other 10% most likely 90% are not appealing to you. You need an AP that is infant qualified. That already restricts your pool. You need an AP that is willing to match with a family that has three children under the age of 5. Yes, that does limit your choices again. You need an AP that is willing to match with a SAHM. And down go your numbers. You need an AP that is willing to live where you are. If that's DC? Well, better than Cottonwook, South Dakota. But still, not NYC, not CA, not FL? Another hand full of those who haven't said no already have just done just that. Then, and only then, come the job. You need an AP that is willing to work a split schedule. Okay, you have lost a few but not as many as in steps 1-3. You need an AP that is willing to work 40 hr weeks on a split schedule, so start early and end late. Some just jumped ship. You need an AP that is willing to work a split schedule that is flexible (a weekend here and there, a morning because of this or that). Well, yeah, a few have just walked. You need an AP that is willing to cook and clean and do odds and ends while you read a book with the kids or play or go for a walk or do a project with the kids? Quite a few have just said no to you. So there is your hand full that is left. Now... what do YOU want in an AP? You need an AP that is not only IQ but also has hands on experience with babies, best if she has worked with multiple young children outside of a professional environment. You have lost a few already. You need an AP who is fairly fluent in English because she will be home with you all day. From those you had still left? You are now down to maybe half. You need an AP you click with personality wise because you will no only be living together but also working togehter. Aaaah, you have one or two left. And now those two have to want to match with you and not with another family they are talking to... You are not picking the prettiest cherry on the tree. You are making do with what is left. |
Anonymous
Have you read through these boards? Parents are rejoicing when they are done with the program. Too many issues to list. The drama is endless. |
Anonymous
|
You might try splitting the difference: MWF 6-12; TR12-8, plus 2 weekend evenings a month. It's a regular schedule that APs can plan around to socialize and
And take classes. Really though, I'd look for a college student to help in the mornings, and a housekeeper for the afternoons. You want to free your hands to spend more time with your kids, and APs are limited to that. You can't ask them to cook dinner while you run under the sprinkler with the kids. |