Host family leaving for a vacation without the Au Pair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:57, the host family didn't "bring a young girl from another country who is slightly immature and...put her in a new culture.."

The AP sought out the program for whatever reason and the HF didn't bring her...she brought herself.

This AP, if she is real, doesn't want to be with this family and probably shouldn't be in the program. Her priorities are inconsistent and strange (one minute she's willing to pay to go to Mexico, the next she is offended they aren't taking her to Mexico. Not to mention later detailed injustices such as no TV in her room! And suddenly she works until 9:30 pm.)

Jet lag after a month? The change in her grammar and vocabulary after she was called out for her very American use idioms such as handy?

I'm going to call it as it is. This AP is a fake and any energy anyone spends on her fake problems is a waste.

If you believe yourself, you reported?

[Anonymous]

Really, PP, really? Sometimes I wish our LCC was blindly devoted to me, but she is not. I do know, however, that when she recommends an AP, the young woman is probably fabulous. She does not kow tow to me or other HFs, yet she expects APs to evolve over the course of their time and is wary of any AP who places all the blame on the family.

OP, many of your concerns have merit; however, fair warning: you will probably not find a family through rematch. Your valid criticisms are overshadowed by your petty complaints. And unless you have access to the family's bank accounts, you have no clue about their finances. We live in a nice home, have two cars, etc but everything is on a budget and no one, including an au pair is going to dictate how we allocate our funds. You can ask our first nanny, whom we let go after the third time of refusing to follow our direction and insisting on buying premium brands. She later admitted that it was a huge mistake when her next family threw around money on brands but had nothing leftover for her bonus (which was in our budget).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, PP, really? Sometimes I wish our LCC was blindly devoted to me, but she is not. I do know, however, that when she recommends an AP, the young woman is probably fabulous. She does not kow tow to me or other HFs, yet she expects APs to evolve over the course of their time and is wary of any AP who places all the blame on the family.

OP, many of your concerns have merit; however, fair warning: you will probably not find a family through rematch. Your valid criticisms are overshadowed by your petty complaints. And unless you have access to the family's bank accounts, you have no clue about their finances. We live in a nice home, have two cars, etc but everything is on a budget and no one, including an au pair is going to dictate how we allocate our funds. You can ask our first nanny, whom we let go after the third time of refusing to follow our direction and insisting on buying premium brands. She later admitted that it was a huge mistake when her next family threw around money on brands but had nothing leftover for her bonus (which was in our budget).

+1 Host parent here for 4th year. I wouldn't hire her. During my interviews with her and her host family it would quickly become clear to me that she didn't act in a mature manner and try to address the issues with the host family before resigning. Life is stressful enough, I wouldn't want to invite that level of drama into my home.

OP, while you seem to have made up your mind you should be aware that there is a high likelihood that you will be heading home.

[Anonymous]

“After a month, travel from Europe, OP you are not jet-lagged anymore. You are probably depressed and that's why you are so tired and napping”
Yes, this is not jet lag any more but just being depressed and boredom.
I thought I’d find good friends to go out with but we are about 6 Au Pairs in my cluster, 2 of which don’t go out because they live far away and don’t have a car or public transportation.

“Have you signed up for a class?
Have you joined a gym?
Do you have any hobbies?”
I haven’t signed for a class but the father has asked me to think about it soon.
I’m going to have to tell them I don’t plan on staying the whole year, so it doesn’t make sense to enroll in classes.

“Have you talked with your HP about the week they will be in Mexico in a conversation - can you ask if they are open to you taking some time to travel while they are away? “
I didn’t say anything and didn’t thinking about taking some time off this early in my Au Pair year.
And I wasn’t left a choice, they want/need me to be home in the morning to open the door and in the evening to shut it.

“You need to allow your HF some space too . . . going with the HF on vacation is not a right or expectation”
So I guess I didn’t read correctly the line “being treated as a family member”. Do you leave a family member on his own if you go somewhere? I don’t think so.

“Maybe rematch is right for you . . . but there are probably not a lot of other families with just one school-aged child looking for a rematch AP. Be prepared that your rematch family may be more demanding (more children or younger children).”
I am ready for that and used to work in a daycare back home in the summer to replace employees.
“Buy a cheap tv or iPad mini. Your concern is valid and you should have one in your room for down time. But, with that said, we only have one tv we actively use but I'd never expect someone in your situation to share with us.”
They also said we can share the CD player … hehe We obviously don’t have the same taste in music and at my age music is really something I want to enjoy on my own ? But it was nice from them to say we can share everything ?

“Honestly - I think the OPs reaction to her host family is very common among Au Pairs. You bring a young girl from another country who is slightly immature and you put her in a new culture, where she is expected to work and meet expectations of the host family. That is a large order. I am not saying that it can't work out but I think it is a definite challenge for both parties. Both parties have to have the right mindset to work through it. I don't think OP is. “
Most Au Pairs leave their own family to go and live with another family. There’s a gap between the two and it’s nice to feel welcomed and treated as a member of the family. While they have been nice to me, I took to heart to be left on the side and I can’t get over that feeling.
“Regarding working hours - was your host family not up front about that when you interviewed with them? Did these change after you arrived? “
I knew I would work 45 hours and more when there’s no school. I didn’t know I’d work when they were home (in the evening when I put their kid to bed, on Saturdays during the day when they’re around the house or locking themselves in their bedroom while I’m in the next bedroom with their son, playing with the very few toys he has. Luckily I manage to go to the park/playground quite often and we bring a ball or a bat etc They told me there were many kids on their street and that their son was active playing with them … I find out once here that he has no friends, and I understand why because he throws fits often and I never managed to organize a playdate, the kids don’t want to come to the house ? I’m sad for this kid.

“Bashing your host mom - you may not like her because she goes to the gym or goes out with her husband - try to be open minded. You did come for a cultural exchange. She is likely a women with a family trying to make it work. Your host family must have had some redeeming qualities if you felt welcomed.”
The dad is very warm, talking to me a lot, he works from home and comes to say hi once in a while, we get along great.
The mom not taking care of her son doesn’t have anything to do with cultural exchange. A mom is supposed to be a mom, getting her kid up, putting him to bed, read him a story, spend some time with him on a Saturday. I wouldn’t see anything wrong in her going to the gym, eating out with her husband if she was a good mom the rest of the time. She barely talks to me and when she does she doesn’t look at me straight in the eyes. She’s ill at ease and then I’m ill at ease as well.

“This AP, if she is real, doesn't want to be with this family and probably shouldn't be in the program. Her priorities are inconsistent and strange (one minute she's willing to pay to go to Mexico, the next she is offended they aren't taking her to Mexico. Not to mention later detailed injustices such as no TV in her room! And suddenly she works until 9:30 pm.) “
I don’t see why I would invent a story. I’m living it everyday and it’s hard being here and somewhat trapped because I have nowhere else to go ? So if you don’t believe me, then just don’t read this post and move on ! I’m glad I’m getting some advice and help in choosing the right decision, I don’t have time to waste.
And I’ve always worked until 9.30pm and not having a tv to relax when I’m done is a problem for ME. I understand some people don’t care about tv, maybe they have a car to go out and other friends around. I can take the car IF the family doesn’t use it – which is not often.

“I'm going to call it as it is. This AP is a fake and any energy anyone spends on her fake problems is a waste.”
Then stop wasting your time and find something more useful to do ?
“OP, many of your concerns have merit; however, fair warning: you will probably not find a family through rematch. Your valid criticisms are overshadowed by your petty complaints. And unless you have access to the family's bank accounts, you have no clue about their finances. We live in a nice home, have two cars, etc but everything is on a budget and no one, including an au pair is going to dictate how we allocate our funds. You can ask our first nanny, whom we let go after the third time of refusing to follow our direction and insisting on buying premium brands. She later admitted that it was a huge mistake when her next family threw around money on brands but had nothing leftover for her bonus (which was in our budget).”
Again, I don’t care about their money. I didn’t choose them because of that but because among other applications, they said they were warm and wanted a girl that’d be part of the family and not a party girl. They wanted a girl that would come along when they go out on weekends etc.
“+1 Host parent here for 4th year. I wouldn't hire her. During my interviews with her and her host family it would quickly become clear to me that she didn't act in a mature manner and try to address the issues with the host family before resigning. Life is stressful enough, I wouldn't want to invite that level of drama into my home.”
I am not willing to try to make it work, that’s why I didn’t try to address the issues before resigning.
For me it’s too late, I can’t forgive them and I came here to be happy working with the kids, have fun on my own, meet people, visit etc. I’m getting none of that right now, that’s why I want to move on. And about the drama, I’m sorry but even though I’m not happy, I try my best with the kid and speak nicely to the family, am respectful as much as I can.

“OP, while you seem to have made up your mind you should be aware that there is a high likelihood that you will be heading home”
September is the perfect moment of the year where you can find a rematch easily, my LLC told it to me, she already has contacts with families, all she’s waiting for is that I talk to my family. There’s no way I’m going to go home ! I have waited for years to come as an Au Pair, saved money to travel, planned my studies so I could take a year off.
To end this long post, my LLC agreed with me that it wasn’t nice from my host family to leave me home for one week just 3 weeks after I got here. She’s willing to help me go through a rematch but first I need to talk to my host family. And I know I have to thank them for welcoming me etc but that I am not comfortable staying for a year with them.
I’ll try to talk to them this evening after work. I’ll let you know how it goes ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“A
“You need to allow your HF some space too . . . going with the HF on vacation is not a right or expectation”
So I guess I didn’t read correctly the line “being treated as a family member”. Do you leave a family member on his own if you go somewhere? I don’t think so.

For the record - My parents stopped taking me on vacations with them after I graduated high school. As a child, several times they went on grown-up only vacations (these were always the nice ones!) and left us with the grandparents. But you are an adult and I know from asking that most of my au pairs have been vacationing with friends since they were 16 or 17, not their parents.

So in short, yes this if often, in the US and abroad, how people treat their family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“A
“You need to allow your HF some space too . . . going with the HF on vacation is not a right or expectation”
So I guess I didn’t read correctly the line “being treated as a family member”. Do you leave a family member on his own if you go somewhere? I don’t think so.

For the record - My parents stopped taking me on vacations with them after I graduated high school. As a child, several times they went on grown-up only vacations (these were always the nice ones!) and left us with the grandparents. But you are an adult and I know from asking that most of my au pairs have been vacationing with friends since they were 16 or 17, not their parents.

So in short, yes this if often, in the US and abroad, how people treat their family!

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Just something to think about: when you are interviewed by your next family options they will likely ask what went wrong with your first match and what efforts you took to proactively address them before you decided to rematch. Since you have only been with your family a few weeks you might have a difficult time adequately addressing this point. This is the type of immature drama I was referencing above. Your first conversation with your lcc was not about how to address the childcare issued but about rematching.

You just don't sound like the self starting, mature, communicative, independent type that it takes to be successful in this program.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe the program is all it's cracked up to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I’d find good friends to go out with but we are about 6 Au Pairs in my cluster, 2 of which don’t go out because they live far away and don’t have a car or public transportation.

My au pair has found pretty much all of her friends on Facebook and outside of her cluster. You're not limited to the 6 au pairs in your cluster. Ask your LCC to introduce you to another cluster or get on one of the Facebook Philadelphia au pair groups and say "hey, I'm new here - anyone doing anything this weekend that I can tag along to?" I think I said this before, but you can't just say "oh well, there are only 4 au pairs I can go out with in my cluster, so I guess I'll never have any friends, poor me." You're going to have the same situation in many other clusters. You have got to put yourself out there.

Anonymous wrote:
I’m going to have to tell them I don’t plan on staying the whole year, so it doesn’t make sense to enroll in classes.

Ok, but I'll hope you'll take the advice to sign up for some classes immediately on your next match.

Anonymous wrote:
“Have you talked with your HP about the week they will be in Mexico in a conversation - can you ask if they are open to you taking some time to travel while they are away? “
I didn’t say anything and didn’t thinking about taking some time off this early in my Au Pair year. And I wasn’t left a choice, they want/need me to be home in the morning to open the door and in the evening to shut it.

It is imperative that you communicate with your host family and that you recognize that they have no idea what you're feeling, especially this early in the process. It's funny to me that you don't see this as a bonus extra week to get out there and make friends. They basically gave you an extra week off. What an opportunity! So you have to open the door in the morning and "shut it" at night? That gives you a whole day to get into the city. Or to plan a couple-day trip into NYC or something - ask your host parents if they could find someone else for those days. Go on a Facebook group and post "hey, I have off on X and Y days - anyone want to do a NYC run with me?" The fact that you're not seeing this is an awesome opportunity is really strange to me.

Anonymous wrote:“You need to allow your HF some space too . . . going with the HF on vacation is not a right or expectation” So I guess I didn’t read correctly the line “being treated as a family member”. Do you leave a family member on his own if you go somewhere? I don’t think so.

"Being treated as a family member" doesn't mean the same thing to everyone and certainly doesn't mean that you are literally exactly like their daughter or something. It also doesn't mean that any family is going to completely know what you want and treat you perfectly after only a month. They have no idea how you're feeling. Even with an adult daughter, if they were going away for a week to a family wedding to which she wasn't invited, I can completely see the adult daughter being psyched not to have to go and to have a week completely to herself in the house. OP, you really need to get over thinking that you're going to be immediately welcomed as a complete and equal "family member."

Anonymous wrote:Most Au Pairs leave their own family to go and live with another family. There’s a gap between the two and it’s nice to feel welcomed and treated as a member of the family. While they have been nice to me, I took to heart to be left on the side and I can’t get over that feeling.

Absolutely it's nice to feel welcomed and treated like a member of the family. It sounds like they're at least kind of trying to do that. I really can't believe you can't understand that it could have been completely reasonable to not take you to Mexico and that you really have no business being so hurt over that especially when you said absolutely nothing about how you were feeling. That frightens me for your future chances at success in this program.

Anonymous wrote:“Regarding working hours - was your host family not up front about that when you interviewed with them? Did these change after you arrived? “
I knew I would work 45 hours and more when there’s no school. I didn’t know I’d work when they were home (in the evening when I put their kid to bed, on Saturdays during the day when they’re around the house or locking themselves in their bedroom while I’m in the next bedroom with their son, playing with the very few toys he has. Luckily I manage to go to the park/playground quite often and we bring a ball or a bat etc They told me there were many kids on their street and that their son was active playing with them … I find out once here that he has no friends, and I understand why because he throws fits often and I never managed to organize a playdate, the kids don’t want to come to the house ? I’m sad for this kid.

This is legit and they definitely should have been upfront with you about exactly what your schedule would be. Definitely you would be within your rights to ask for help from them on your concerns.

Anonymous wrote:The dad is very warm, talking to me a lot, he works from home and comes to say hi once in a while, we get along great.
The mom not taking care of her son doesn’t have anything to do with cultural exchange. A mom is supposed to be a mom, getting her kid up, putting him to bed, read him a story, spend some time with him on a Saturday. I wouldn’t see anything wrong in her going to the gym, eating out with her husband if she was a good mom the rest of the time. She barely talks to me and when she does she doesn’t look at me straight in the eyes. She’s ill at ease and then I’m ill at ease as well.

There is no way a mom is "supposed" to be. If you don't like the way she is, then you need to do her a favor and rematch.

Anonymous wrote:September is the perfect moment of the year where you can find a rematch easily, my LLC told it to me, she already has contacts with families, all she’s waiting for is that I talk to my family. There’s no way I’m going to go home ! I have waited for years to come as an Au Pair, saved money to travel, planned my studies so I could take a year off. To end this long post, my LLC agreed with me that it wasn’t nice from my host family to leave me home for one week just 3 weeks after I got here. She’s willing to help me go through a rematch but first I need to talk to my host family. And I know I have to thank them for welcoming me etc but that I am not comfortable staying for a year with them.I’ll try to talk to them this evening after work. I’ll let you know how it goes ?

Your LCC was not saying that they definitely should have taken you to Mexico - she was commiserating with you that it stinks to be left alone when you're depressed already. I'm shocked that she didn't give you some suggestions for getting out there for the week and using it as an extra bonus. And why is it 3 weeks now and not 5 weeks after you've arrived? OP, I agree that you should rematch because it does not sound like a good fit.

But think long and hard about what you're going to look like to a new family and what you say about why you're leaving. If I interviewed an au pair and she told me that she left because after a month she couldn't make friends, thought the host mom wasn't a good mom, was upset that the family didn't take her to a family wedding in Mexico, she couldn't handle the one single older child, she never got the car, she didn't have a TV in her room and was bored - it would be an easy pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe the program is all it's cracked up to be.

Says who based on what? That's not what I've heard from au pairs. So many of them sign up because their friend or sister did it and raved about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe the program is all it's cracked up to be.

Says who based on what? That's not what I've heard from au pairs. So many of them sign up because their friend or sister did it and raved about it.

When was the last time you thought it was a super idea for your young single daughter to cross the ocean to work behind the closed doors of a family who never even got a basic background check? And has no State Department hotline to call in case of emergency.

This is outrageous, imo, and symptomatic of the booming slave trade. No one seems to have any data on the outcome of these arrangements. Why isn't every one of these young people being asked if they felt safe in the houses where they were sent?

If I were you, I'd be demanding basic due dilegence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe the program is all it's cracked up to be.

Says who based on what? That's not what I've heard from au pairs. So many of them sign up because their friend or sister did it and raved about it.

When was the last time you thought it was a super idea for your young single daughter to cross the ocean to work behind the closed doors of a family who never even got a basic background check? And has no State Department hotline to call in case of emergency.

This is outrageous, imo, and symptomatic of the booming slave trade. No one seems to have any data on the outcome of these arrangements. Why isn't every one of these young people being asked if they felt safe in the houses where they were sent?

If I were you, I'd be demanding basic due dilegence.

Oh lord, you're that poster. Au pairs are not "sent" anywhere and the use of the word "slave" in regard to this voluntary, regulated, paid program is absurd and offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe the program is all it's cracked up to be.

Says who based on what? That's not what I've heard from au pairs. So many of them sign up because their friend or sister did it and raved about it.

When was the last time you thought it was a super idea for your young single daughter to cross the ocean to work behind the closed doors of a family who never even got a basic background check? And has no State Department hotline to call in case of emergency.

This is outrageous, imo, and symptomatic of the booming slave trade. No one seems to have any data on the outcome of these arrangements. Why isn't every one of these young people being asked if they felt safe in the houses where they were sent?

If I were you, I'd be demanding basic due dilegence.

Oh lord, you're that poster. Au pairs are not "sent" anywhere and the use of the word "slave" in regard to this voluntary, regulated, paid program is absurd and offensive.

The absence of due dilegence is absurd and offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just something to think about: when you are interviewed by your next family options they will likely ask what went wrong with your first match and what efforts you took to proactively address them before you decided to rematch. Since you have only been with your family a few weeks you might have a difficult time adequately addressing this point. This is the type of immature drama I was referencing above. Your first conversation with your lcc was not about how to address the childcare issued but about rematching.

You just don't sound like the self starting, mature, communicative, independent type that it takes to be successful in this program.

Try living abroad in someone's house where you don't feel comfortable, have a kid kick you whenever he can and calling you names, with nowhere else to go but Borders late at night and we'll see how you manage!
I'm only 21 ! It's easy to react the way you do if you are a mom and are used to the au pair world.
I'm trying hard but at some point I loose my motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe the program is all it's cracked up to be.

Says who based on what? That's not what I've heard from au pairs. So many of them sign up because their friend or sister did it and raved about it.

When was the last time you thought it was a super idea for your young single daughter to cross the ocean to work behind the closed doors of a family who never even got a basic background check? And has no State Department hotline to call in case of emergency.

This is outrageous, imo, and symptomatic of the booming slave trade. No one seems to have any data on the outcome of these arrangements. Why isn't every one of these young people being asked if they felt safe in the houses where they were sent?

If I were you, I'd be demanding basic due dilegence.

Oh lord, you're that poster. Au pairs are not "sent" anywhere and the use of the word "slave" in regard to this voluntary, regulated, paid program is absurd and offensive.

The absence of due dilegence is absurd and offensive.

There is not an "absence" of due diligence, and I'm not sure what great protections you think a "basic background check" would add.