Aupair wants to buy own car after totaling my car (car wreck was off duty)

[Anonymous]

I have an aupair who is great with my 2 girls, but she got into a car wreck with my car while she was driving back from her boyfriend's house, and the car was completely destroyed. We didn't replace our second car after the wreck because we only need 1 car. Now she wants to buy her own car since we won't let her drive anymore, even though i gave her access to Uber family profile and have been paying fir all her ubers to friends houses and the gym for past 3 months (wreck happened 3 months ago). I have no limits on her uber use. We don't need her to drive for work.

We never asked her to drive on duty, she was using the car on her off time only. She has never driven the kids. Even though the wreck wasn't her fault, I felt she took an unnecessary risk because her boyfriend lives an hour away and had offered to drive her back. We have no curfew. Additionally, she was driving the car every day before the wreck, and she is not a good driver, I was shocked when she got her US drivers license.

She is insisting that she wants to buy her own car to drive for personal use now, but I worry she will get into another wreck because she makes poor driving decisions. Like she would decide to drive an hour away late at night when she used to have car privileges and she drove that car everyday after work and wouldn't tell us where.

As a compromise, if she wants her privacy, I'm thinking of offering her an Uber stipend for her to be able to go wherever she wants without me knowing where it is, but I don't think she will accept this. I think she really wants to drive, but she just doesn't have the driving skill level to do it safely and im not comfortable for feeling responsible for another wreck, since I already feel like the previous accident was my fault since I let such a terrible driver drive when she had other options. If she insists on driving too much, I'm considering a rematch because it is putting a real strain on our relationship.

Am I being overly harsh here? Any recommendations on how I can get her to stay without driving? I thought offering unlimited uber rides would have been generous enough, but she is still insisting on buying her own car. She is not deterred by cost and offering more money doesn't seem to have helped (i pay far more than minimum stipend).

Hoping others here have more insight...

[Anonymous]

Also want to add: we allow her boyfriend to sleep over, and he usually sleeps over 1 to 3 times a week, so she already sees him a lot.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should just let her buy her own car. Don't blame yourself for the wreck. The more she drives, the better she will get.

[Anonymous]

Does she understand that she will need to pay for insurance on the vehicle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she understand that she will need to pay for insurance on the vehicle?

she does and the cost does not seem to deter her at all. I think she saved a lot from generous stipend i gave her.

[Anonymous]

Can you reach out to a local driving school and get her lessons, for your peace of mind? Let her know that you’re paying for it, Bhutto you really want her to do it before getting a car, because you don’t want to have to call and tell her parents she died in an accident, nor do you want her to feel awful if she kills someone. If you lay out the extreme possibilities, maybe that will get through to her?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this suggestion! Another problem is she thinks she is a great driver because she has never gotten any speeding tickets. I think she would take offense to the driving lessons suggestion. I have told her before I don't want her to be killed in a wreck but she sneers and says its her life decisions to make, and that I have no business interfering in her personal decisions. I will try to think of a more tactful way to approach the driving lessons suggestion, thank you...

Anonymous wrote:Can you reach out to a local driving school and get her lessons, for your peace of mind? Let her know that you’re paying for it, Bhutto you really want her to do it before getting a car, because you don’t want to have to call and tell her parents she died in an accident, nor do you want her to feel awful if she kills someone. If you lay out the extreme possibilities, maybe that will get through to her?

[Anonymous]

I think you’ve been super generous and understanding. I totally think buying a car is silly under the circumstances, but she’s young. She’ll learn. So I say you let her buy the car (with the understanding that it’s hers - she pays for insurance, gas, registration fees, etc). Best case she loves her car and it gives her much satisfaction. Worse case she crashes it and / or realizes that cars are a money drain and she loses some money in it. Not bad lessons for a young person to learn. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Oh I just posted and suggested you let her buy the car. Then I read some other responses. I may not have appreciated how bad a driver she is. If you really don’t think she should be driving (is her driving is a danger to herself or others) then of course I’d either get her driving lessons or put my foot down.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a US license?? Sounds like she’s a horrible driver and makes bad decisions. I wouldn’t want her behind a wheel.

You sound overly generous and nice with allowing her boyfriend to sleep over (?!?) and high stipend, etc. Stand up for safety and tell her honestly that buying a car isn’t a good idea. She could get in a lot of trouble if she injures someone while driving and she already totaled a car, which is really bad.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she can’t keep the car at your house and can’t use your address for a personal car purchase. That will basically mean she can’t have a car.

[Anonymous]

She does have a US driver's license, but she got it through a "cover rules" driving test which was way simplified, and test administratorwatched her drive from a distanc. I don't think she would have passed a normal driver's license test. Thank you for validating how I feel about this, I worry I'm being too harsh but seeing responses backing me up makes me feel betterabout my decision.

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a US license?? Sounds like she’s a horrible driver and makes bad decisions. I wouldn’t want her behind a wheel.
You sound overly generous and nice with allowing her boyfriend to sleep over (?!?) and high stipend, etc. Stand up for safety and tell her honestly that buying a car isn’t a good idea. She could get in a lot of trouble if she injures someone while driving and she already totaled a car, which is really bad.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your insight! Will try lessons suggestion and just put my foot down if she refuses those.

Anonymous wrote:Oh I just posted and suggested you let her buy the car. Then I read some other responses. I may not have appreciated how bad a driver she is. If you really don’t think she should be driving (is her driving is a danger to herself or others) then of course I’d either get her driving lessons or put my foot down.

[Anonymous]

She's the loophole master and would just park at the train station a 10 minute walk from me and use her boyfriend's house for her address haha.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her she can’t keep the car at your house and can’t use your address for a personal car purchase. That will basically mean she can’t have a car.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a moron, and I don't understand how she could have enough money to buy a car unless it's a POS used car that will fall apart instantly. But whatever, if she's not driving your kids, it's her choice to make.

It also seems like this might be a step towards getting out of your house one way or another (either rematch or just go AWOL).