Gone every night

[Anonymous]

We are in the middle of our first Au Pair experience and I wanted to see if I can get feedback/advice. The biggest challenge we are facing is that our AuPair is gone every minute she is not working. She is taking classes 4 nights a week and then staying out late after and the moment I walk in on Friday she normally goes upstairs gets ready, goes out, and doesn’t come back until Monday morning some days. She is pretty responsible so am I wrong to be frustrated that she is never here? If my schedule changes, she is accommodating but seems annoyed. She has a boyfriend so she is with him majority of the time and they met shortly after she arrived. I was hoping to gain a member of the family and I mentioned that in the interview process numerous times. I just feel like it isn’t what we signed up for and at this point we could go back to a nanny. But I don’t know if I am just being unrealistic. I have recently mentioned I would like her to be home by 11 on nights she has to help with the kids (our school starts earlier than most so she has to be up by 6 am). She has since not came home one Sunday night and then told me she felt weird about me giving her a curfew. She wants to extend with us next year but honestly I am worried it may not be the best thing for our family.

[Anonymous]

You should have had a curfew before she started, it is kind of weird now, please make sure you fix this for the next AP. Usually my curfew is you have to be there 8h before your shift beginning. I think what you describe is normal when they get a boyfriend but you have the right to be annoyed.

Some families love having their houses for themself on weekend and some don't care if the AP is otherwise responsible. She shouldn't get annoyed if your schedule change because that is the reason most people get AP, for the flexibility.

My BIG advice to you don't extend with her. A lot of APs who meet their boyfriend here extend just to get a status, as soon their bf propose of whatnot they leave the family dry with not much notice. This has happened to 3 families around me in the last few months and it wasn't fun. She is just buying time until she get engaged. But her being out all the time is what I have seen happen when AP gets a bf here and most family don't mind.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Former AP here.

I understand both sides
Your mistake now would be to extend with her unless she's really good with the kids and that they'd be happy she stays.
It sounds like she only wants to extend because of her boyfriend though ...

[Anonymous]

I am the PP, also wanted to add that my great Brazilian AP started getting a bit annoyed with normal stuffs when she got a boyfriend. I just let it go because we only had a few more week to go and she was very good and responsible with the kids. So it all depends on how long you have left and what is important to you.

[Anonymous]

If she is otherwise good with your kids then I would let it go.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the advice and feedback! I did mention in the beginning that on the weekends she could do whatever since she was an adult and I wanted to treat her as such. But I let her know that I expected her to be home by around 11 on nights she had to watch the kids the next morning. Not having it in writing was my mistake though. I just casually mentioned it when we were first talking so you are right moving forward I will clearly express my expectations.

I think most of my frustration just boils down to feeling like there is a lack of flexibility since I know she always has plans. I believe moving forward I will give her the weekly schedule on Sunday so she knows there may be changes.

I have literally had 4 nannies that have not lived with me that I became closer with in this amount of time (6 months) so when she said she absolutely wants to extend with us it made me feel like she was just doing it to stay near her BF. The older kids like her but I do not believe she goes out of her way to connect with them. The toddler loves her but most days she watches him she has an Au Pair friend come over and the kids play together so again I am not sure how engaged she is. I definitely think 6 more months is doable and the kids are attached but I am getting stressed about thinking about 18 more months.

[Anonymous]

Your gut instinct is right - don't extend. The problem is how to handle her disappointment when you tell her. I'd delay a while but tell her soon enough for her to try to find a local extension to stay near BF. Also, keep in mind the high chance of a break up with said BF so be ready to deal with decision to depart early. A local BF was actually GREAT for us with our last AP because she behaved very well and it didnt change our family dynamic or her flexibility, BTW, so know that its not simply the fact of the BF but how she is handling. In our case, the BF worked alot of nights so she wasnt with him on week nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the advice and feedback! I did mention in the beginning that on the weekends she could do whatever since she was an adult and I wanted to treat her as such. But I let her know that I expected her to be home by around 11 on nights she had to watch the kids the next morning. Not having it in writing was my mistake though. I just casually mentioned it when we were first talking so you are right moving forward I will clearly express my expectations.

I think most of my frustration just boils down to feeling like there is a lack of flexibility since I know she always has plans. I believe moving forward I will give her the weekly schedule on Sunday so she knows there may be changes.

I have literally had 4 nannies that have not lived with me that I became closer with in this amount of time (6 months) so when she said she absolutely wants to extend with us it made me feel like she was just doing it to stay near her BF. The older kids like her but I do not believe she goes out of her way to connect with them. The toddler loves her but most days she watches him she has an Au Pair friend come over and the kids play together so again I am not sure how engaged she is. I definitely think 6 more months is doable and the kids are attached but I am getting stressed about thinking about 18 more months.

YES Do give her the schedule for the week BY Sunday. That is what I do and there is no problem. I use a google doc and update as soon as I have more info and she can see it, it is good if she can plan in advance. AGAIN DO NOT EXTEND!! Beside the problem I mentioned earlier about extending so she can get status, most people who extends complain about the AP motivation. I had a 6 months extension AP and she couldn't wait for it to be over and she told me most the one who extends for a year burn out and don't finish the program.

[Anonymous]

As long as she is reliable and the kids like her, honestly, that sounds like a fantastic situation to me. I'll take her if you don't want her.

That being said, we do always say our au pairs must be home 8hrs prior to their next shift. Its a safety issue to make sure your au pair is well rested and alert to watch your kids. But we definitely point that out in the matching process. And that really is pretty standard from what I've heard from our LCC.

If you like everything else about her, I would extend if I were you. There is not a good au pair candidate pool out there right now.

[Anonymous]

This is your first au pair. Just say we would rather have one really good year than extend with someone so we plan to keep au pairs for one year at a time.

If you decide to change that later, that's your prerogative, but at least it you can have a fresh start at the end of her first year.

[Anonymous]

Nope. If she can't be bothered to have anything other than a working relationship with you, then why keep her? Let the families who don't want a relationship get her.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everything above. But, there's no rule that you can't change your requirements as the situation changes (e.g,. you didn't realize when you set no curfew that she'd be out all night... you just assumed that she'd come home at a reasonable time and didn't think you needed to specify).

By the way, we are on AP #4, and honestly, this is the first ap where I feel we've bonded as a family, and the experience is SO MUCH BETTER. AP doesn't hang with us on weekends, but she will have dinner with us Sunday nights sometimes, or stop and play with the kids for a few minutes here and there when she's coming or going and the kids are in the living room. Because we've bonded with her, I am much more invested in her having a great overall experience, and am also much more sympathetic and understanding when she makes genuine mistakes or if she needs flexibility on her end.

[Anonymous]

The best thing to do here is change the information in your profile for next year. If you have a curfew, put it in there. If you're looking for someone to have dinner with your family most nights put that in there. We don't usually do family dinners and I had APs who rejected us because that's what they are looking for. (Though, a curfew will be a dealbreaker for many).

[Anonymous]

Curfew will cut your responses by 60-75%.
We have a car curfew of 1am.

Do not extend - she is on ring patrol now and not AP interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everything above. But, there's no rule that you can't change your requirements as the situation changes (e.g,. you didn't realize when you set no curfew that she'd be out all night... you just assumed that she'd come home at a reasonable time and didn't think you needed to specify).

By the way, we are on AP #4, and honestly, this is the first ap where I feel we've bonded as a family, and the experience is SO MUCH BETTER. AP doesn't hang with us on weekends, but she will have dinner with us Sunday nights sometimes, or stop and play with the kids for a few minutes here and there when she's coming or going and the kids are in the living room. Because we've bonded with her, I am much more invested in her having a great overall experience, and am also much more sympathetic and understanding when she makes genuine mistakes or if she needs flexibility on her end.

Thank you for sharing your experience!

I expected that our Au Pair would be gone more than she is home for sure and there are days that I actually kind of like having the house to ourselves but the idea of a shared family dinner once or twice a week was exactly what we were hoping for. We are normally home by 5:30 on weekdays and then I cook most nights. I was really hoping we would all bond and have this amazing cultural exchange experience... ? now I am thinking that isn't the norm from what I have read. Do you think it is mainly the family not being willing to bond normally or the Au Pair. I am just wondering if we find another Au Pair next year, will it always be this difficult?