Update: Wonderful nanny smokes, am I a bad mom to keep her?

[Anonymous]

I made a post a few days ago about suspecting that my nanny was smoking before coming to work each day. I called the agency to ask if they had screened for smoking, and they said that they'd actually received complaints from two of this nanny's prior families about suspected smoking before work (never on the job), but she fervently denied it and was very offended, so it was he-said-she-said. Kind of frustrated with this agency because I'd told them I wanted a Mary Poppins candidate and was willing to pay top dollar for it and they still did not disclose this to me... but that's not relevant here.

On the pro side, I love this nanny - she is very engaged with my toddler, educated, creative, just everything you'd want. I had a nanny before this who was the opposite - I'd take my kid to the library and they'd say "Oh hi, we recognize your kid because your nanny brings the kid in and texts for 2 hours every afternoon!" So the background is that I'm a FTM who really wants stable, loving care for my baby and has already dealt with replacing one nanny. I can't imagine finding a better nanny than the current nanny, minus the smoking issue.

On the con side, research indicates that thirdhand smoke can cause lung and brain damage in mice. The studies were done to mimic a smoker's home, and I'm not sure if my child is getting the same level of exposure from being around a smoker's clothes/car. But both of my parents died from cancer, so I do take this seriously. My child needs to be driven around in this nanny's car, and I am concerned that the car smells like smoke, for instance. Not sure how to gracefully ask the nanny if I can smell the inside of her car, but I don't want my toddler to be driven around in a smoke box. I really dislike conflict, which is making this all more difficult.

I spoke to the nanny about this and just said "I smell smoke sometimes when you arrive, could you change your clothes when you get here?" She denied being around anyone who smokes (she lives alone), and acted mystified. She didn't agree to change her clothes, though I think she would if I pushed it. The next two days she came to work and did not smell like smoke. Assuming that she is smoking, I think it's 1-2 cigarettes a day - just enough to give a slight/moderate smokey smell in the morning that is gone by the time I get home. I don't care if she's smoking, or if she's around someone who smokes, doesn't make a difference - I just need her to not smell like smoke when she's holding my child.

Parents and nannies, am I crazy to keep this nanny? Is it going to turn into constant drama of "you smell like smoke, you need to change your clothes?" Or should I just suck it up and be grateful that I have such a loving, interactive nanny, and accept that no nanny is going to be perfect? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I don’t know because my mom is exactly how you describe. She tries to hide her smoking , I think she only has 1-2 a day. She smokes when walking the dog or at work, not in the car I don’t think. However I never smell smoke when she comes to our house , only if we come over there. But she doesn’t change her clothes and I’m sure at some point my daughter is exposed to the third hand smoke. This happens a lot less than in ur situation because she doesn’t see my mom every day, maybe once a week or biweekly. Baby is only 10 months so I think once she’s old enough where she starts spending nights or weekends with my parents I will put my foot down and say absolutely no smoking when around dd.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't know what I would do - beyond what you are doing - with a nanny I suspected of smoking. Great, engaging nannies are hard to find but certainly not impossible (we have a great nanny).

Keep her but continue to press the point. Go see if her car smells like smoke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't know what I would do - beyond what you are doing - with a nanny I suspected of smoking. Great, engaging nannies are hard to find but certainly not impossible (we have a great nanny).

Keep her but continue to press the point. Go see if her car smells like smoke.

You mean see if her car doors are unlocked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't know what I would do - beyond what you are doing - with a nanny I suspected of smoking. Great, engaging nannies are hard to find but certainly not impossible (we have a great nanny).

Keep her but continue to press the point. Go see if her car smells like smoke.

You mean see if her car doors are unlocked?

Your child is transported in that car and I assume you pay for the mileage - you have a right to check the safety of the carseat...

[Anonymous]

Tell her to change her clothes and wash her hands when she comes in. Come up with an alternative for transportation for you child.

[Anonymous]

And NO nanny cams wherever you want her to change her clothes!

[Anonymous]

Have nanny use your car to transport your child. You said you think if you pushed the issue, she would change her clothes, so do that. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't know what I would do - beyond what you are doing - with a nanny I suspected of smoking. Great, engaging nannies are hard to find but certainly not impossible (we have a great nanny).

Keep her but continue to press the point. Go see if her car smells like smoke.

You mean see if her car doors are unlocked?

Your child is transported in that car and I assume you pay for the mileage - you have a right to check the safety of the carseat...

Hi, OP here, I wasn't the one who replied about unlocked doors above. I appreciate any and all input, and the idea about checking the carseat is a good idea. She does remove the carseat every weekend, saying that she needs the room in the car to transport friends... which further leads me to believe that she is smoking in the car and trying to avoid getting smoke on the seat.

[Anonymous]

I would be more concerned with the fact that she is possibly lying to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be more concerned with the fact that she is possibly lying to you.

A lot of people lie about smoking because they are ashamed/ want to quit etc but are addicted. I think you first need to decide if you can employ a smoker or not period. If you are willing to employ a smoker who goes through the highest measures to keep the smoking away from
Your child ( changing clothes etc) then you need to tell her that is a condition of employment. However if she’s so defensive that she won’t come clean and try to be part of the solution, then I would def not be comfortable with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be more concerned with the fact that she is possibly lying to you.

This. This is deeply problematic given the context you now have (that two previous employers complained of this--and presumably, to the nanny as well as to the agency).

I would honestly look for a new nanny, however wonderful she may be. And I would be asking the agency for the fee back. I don't disagree with the PP about the shame of addiction and issues with hiding it, but if losing two jobs where this was a factor has not prompted a change in behavior, I don't think it's likely that it will magically get fixed now. Absolutely I wouldn't want my child riding in the car of a smoker given the thirdhand smoke research.

The smoking (however occasional) + lying combination would make this a dealbreaker for me.

[Anonymous]

You don't need incontrovertible proof to fire her. Just keep that in mind. I would also be angry at the agency, and tell them that they don't need incontrovertible proof either, and that you would hope that now that they've gotten a THIRD report, they won't send her out on interviews if she doesn't quit it.

Second, you talked to her and she no longer smells of smoke. That's all the proof I'd need that you were right about the smoking in the first place. If you see her every morning and every evening, then I would keep her on for now, but I might say something along these lines, "Larla, I'm not sure what you've done differently, but I haven't noticed the cigarette odor over the last few days. I really appreciate it! I did want to let you know, though, that second- or third-hand smoke is an absolute deal-breaker for me when it comes to someone holding my baby. I'm sure you can understand that. Hopefully it won't come up again, and we won't have to worry about it!"

[Anonymous]

Either of you is totally allowed to move on.

[Anonymous]

If she smokes in her car and uses it to transport your child, I would be much more concerned than the slight scent on her clothes. A vehicle that is sitting with the windows up will soak up the smell easily, and it's almost impossible to remove. Your child will be breathing that. I have ridden in cars of smokers when they weren't smoking, especially ones who do not roll their windows all the way down (I've seen them driving and smoking), and the scent is overpowering. It always reminds me of the time that someone gave my mother a leather couch, and they failed to tell her that they smoked. They delivered it while I was at school, and mom was busy, so she wasn't home long after that. I laid down to take a nap after school and within a few minutes I had to run to throw up because of the scent of stale cigarette smoke. To this day, I cannot even walk past an ashtray without feeling nauseous, remembering that couch.